Tag: blog

Another Cold, Rainy, Crappy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Cold, Rainy, Crappy Day

When I left my house, it wasn’t raining, but it was still cold and crappy out. I got to my father’s and quickly did his meds because I wanted to go home before the rain started. The weatherman said it would start in the afternoon and it was quickly approaching that time. I left after some discussion with my father about why his T-Pass wasn’t working. Turns out, he never bought the monthly pass and he didn’t have enough money on his card. That was why his card didn’t work when he tried to go on the train. During this run around, it started raining and I was cursing my father for keeping me in his presence. Before this, he called me back to his apartment because his TV wouldn’t shut off. HOLY FUCK, are you kidding me? Turned out the batteries in his remote needed to be changed. UGH. I just wanted to go home, be under the covers and write.

I had my Brazil Sertraozinho coffee today. I was going to have Pike’s but the Brazil coffee was first and it was a long time since I had it. It came out perfect. If my back wasn’t hurting, I probably would have done a happy dance. I knew it was going to rain today by the way I was hurting. After having my coffee, but before I left for my father’s, I worked on my story. I changed the font to Comic Sans because I wanted that font for my book this time. I wrote and it brought the word count to almost 1200 and the page count to 3. I was happy. I could tell I haven’t looked at it since I wrote it because there were some grammatical errors and some words didn’t fit. Like I had along instead of alone. Don’t know how that happened, but I changed it none the less. Once I get up to at least 5 pages, I will print it out to edit it. I have decided that I am going to edit each story as it comes out so that when it’s all together, I am not overwhelmed with it like I was with my book. I am hoping I don’t need an editor this time around. I just can’t afford it. I have to find a new one too because my editor quit the business for whatever reason. There is a chance I might be able to get one through the writing class place I have been going to. They help writers so I am hoping they can help me when the time comes. I just need to have someone look over the piece when I am done with the collection to really make sure I am not obscure. I am hoping to get these pieces of work up to 200 pages. That is my goal. If it’s close to it, like 175 or so, I will be happy with that, too. I used my first semi-colon today because I had to. I never thought I would use it but it fit where I was writing. I know I am geeking right now, but I am just excited to finally get back to writing something. This book that I am working on will be a collection of short stories relating to mental illness.

I wanted to write last night but I was too tired and knew that if I did, I would be up till god knows when. As it is, I had crappy sleep, waking up every 2-3 hours. It was terrible and I took benedryl too. So much for that helping me sleep. I really wanted to take some Gabapentin but I will tonight. My pain was off the charts last night, which is why it took forever to settle down. I was also hungry, which didn’t help matters. I finally caved in and had some bread with sauce. It’s an Italian thing. I didn’t feel like making something because that would mean having to wash dishes and I am anti-dishwashing. I only do it if I absolutely have to or feel up to it.

I sold a book today in Europe. It’s my first European sale. I hope I get the royalties next month. Lately, if it isn’t in USD, I don’t get the money because my bank only accepts USD. It is a problem that I have with Amazon. I don’t know why they can’t exchange it when they deposit it in my account like they do for Kindle. Just doesn’t make any sense. I have called other banks to see if they would accept deposits other than USD and they don’t so I am stuck having my money sit in Amazon.

My mother went shopping today and my cousin just called me to tell me they are on their way home. I didn’t pick up because I am hurting too much to go up and down the stairs. He is healthy so let him do the stair climbing. There is no reason why he can’t, other than being a lazy fuck, which he is. I have already done too much today as I was walking around and standing waiting for the bus. I can’t do anymore today because I am already in pain. I am the one that is disabled, not him. If I wasn’t disabled, I would be working. They just don’t get how much the stairs kill my ankle. If I felt better, I would help bring the groceries in but I just can’t. Tomorrow I have to go out to my sister’s party. If I exceed my limit today, I won’t be able to go tomorrow. That’s not fair to her. I’ll just stay in my room until they leave. It’s my pain levels I have to worry about, not some groceries.

Really Irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Really irritable

It’s a rainy, cold, crappy day. I waited in a light rain for the bus to get my Starbucks fix. Today is Veteran’s Day in the US and to my surprise, things were running on normal weekday schedule. If there are any veterans reading this blog, thank you for your service!! Bus was a little late but not by much. It sucked because I had to stand the whole time as the bench was soaked. I can only imagine the pain I am going to be feeling tonight. It’s throbbing now because on the way home, I had to stand as there were no seats. Place was packed.

I didn’t get any writing done at Starbucks. That’s when I started getting irritated. There was a guy that kept on talking, low at first then louder as he got animated in conversation. Then he would stop talking, write something down on his pad, then start the damn conversation again. I was so damn annoyed. Even with my damn headphones on I could hear him. I really just wanted to go home. My first pen that I used really stopped working. No ink even though the supply was full. I decided to chuck it. I had another pen, in a different ink color, so used that. I was so aggravated I didn’t care that I started in one ink color and changed to a different one. I am very particular when I write with a specific pen. When I was in school, if I started writing with a pen and couldn’t find it because it rolled off some where, I couldn’t continue with my schoolwork until I found that particular pen, didn’t matter that I had another pen or pencil I could use. I had to use *that* pen. And it wasn’t a special pen like my pens are now. It was just your run of the mill Papermate.

Talked with my therapist today. As agreed upon, we were “therapeutic” today. She wanted to know more about the definitions of the needs I gave her last week and which needs I felt were important right now. For the first time in weeks, I felt like we had our normal conversation back. We talked about my accomplishment for the year was the New York Times article. We also talked about my first love, Wil Wheaton, and how he turned down the Huffington Post because they were not going to pay him for using his story. His bottom line is that writers/bloggers should be paid for their work. I didn’t read his blog post about it nor a story that Mike Okuda sent out the other day but I never thought about getting paid when the NYT took my article. They are giving me a little something, so technically, this is my first paid gig. It is a big deal but at times, I downplay it because I feel so crappy. So my therapist was trying to get me to understand that I am exceptional and something else. She used a word but I don’t remember what it was. She also wants me to feel validated in that so many people appreciated the article. I got a lot of discussion on Twitter and traffic on my blog that day. It has been two months and I still feel some pride every now and then. I keep checking the article on my phone every now and then to know that it wasn’t a dream. I bet Wil never wrote for the New York Times. My therapist, who likes to collect my things, wants a copy of the article. I asked her if she had it in my voluminous file and she said she doesn’t think she does. I can’t believe that in January we will be working together for 15 years. I know we had a few shaky weeks and I must have thought of ending things with her a million times, but she has been my biggest supporter.

We also talked about someone who left me a comment on my blog I wrote when I was feeling like scum. It was the first contact I have had from her in months so I was shocked that she read my blog. I appreciated what she wrote but I don’t think she gets the severity of my suicidality or is just blind to it. She never really acknowledges my suicidal thoughts and that sometimes gets under my skin. I find it invalidating.

I still haven’t asked her about narcissistic injury. We still were talking about my father’s presence gives me such trouble. I have to deal with him tomorrow and a little bit on Friday. That is three times this week that I have to deal with him. Today is my aunt’s birthday. I have been meaning to call her but haven’t struck up the nerve. Every time I call, it’s always the same conversation, why don’t you visit me more often. I wish I could but I don’t have a car. She turns 91 today. I mailed her a card on Monday. She probably will get it tomorrow as today is a holiday.

I really need to shower today but it’s cold in the house. I have been good with the every other day thing so today I need to as I really don’t want to tomorrow. I never know if it will exhaust me or not. I am already exhausted so I know that if I take a shower, it will further exhaust my resources. I just don’t have energy as I am sleep deprived. That is probably why I am so cold or hot all the time. I try not to dress to warmly because I do get hot quickly but lately, like my mood, I have been running cold. My psych wants my thyroid checked. I don’t know why she didn’t order it. I don’t see my PCP until next month. If it’s a virus that is causing this hot and cold business, I hope it’s gone by then. I can do without the sniffling, too.

http://www.houstonpress.com/arts/wil-wheaton-and-why-i-won-t-write-for-huffington-post-anymore-7896530

the link above is the article from Mike Okuda

it’s 0600

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0600

I woke up about a half hour ago from a weird dream. I was supposed to be making a tuna fish sandwich but instead there were bugs in the container. This didn’t phase me and I resolved to eat them, but as I fix the “fish” the way I like it, one of the bugs started talking to me. It was like we had to have a chat before I ate it. In the dream was Richard Dean Anderson. We were talking about his military service (from Stargate). It was a really strange dream that has me unsettled. The bugs were not usual bugs. They had unusual characteristics, like the bugs you saw on Disney’s Lion King where Timone says “tastes like chicken” while he is preparing Simba’s plate of bugs. I don’t know why I have been having strange dreams lately. I haven’t been eating anything weird or doing anything different. But at least I am reaching REM sleep. I feel rested and alert but I did wake up in pain. I took my pain meds and hoping I get back to sleep in about a half hour.

Dell called me yesterday to see if my system is working properly. I missed the call because as usual, the one time I leave my phone in my room, I get a phone call. They then sent me an email. I plan on responding later today.

I was reading a book on bipolar disorder last night. The chapter I was reading was on sleep and internal clocks. It said that sleep deprivation isn’t good for bipolar because it can set off hypomania or mania. If that were true, I would be super manic by now. They did suggest that sleeping from 1800 to 0200 might help mood. I am going to try and see if that works. Maybe it will reset my clock and I won’t have these weird sleeping hours, or sleep for longer periods than 3 hours here and 4 hours there. I can’t remember a night where I slept 6 or more hours.

I was going through “Suicide as Psychache” and found that Shneidman wrote the same line at least four times so far. I was able to find a quote for tomorrow as I got finished with his aphorisms. I was thinking of quoting the commonalities of suicide but I already have a blog about that. And there are ten of them that must be taken together or it just doesn’t make sense. I have to read the next chapter sometime today. I am not sure if I will be going out. It’s supposed to rain and I don’t like traveling in the rain unless I absolutely have to. I am craving a latte or a mocha, however so maybe I will brave the weather and go to Starbucks. I should really rest my ankle as the walking to pick up my niece last night really hurt. But I am starting to feel cooped up as I haven’t left the house since Monday.

There are some baseball movies that I want to buy from Amazon. They are relatively cheap, no more than five bucks each. I think it will be nice to watch them. A friend of mine also wants me to watch “Princess Bride”. I have never watched this movie from beginning to end. I have seen parts of it. It’s an okay movie and really funny. I am not a movie person at all. I rather read a book so there are a ton of movies that I have not seen. It’s hard when someone makes a reference to a movie and I am clueless. One movie that I really would love to see again and own is Stand By Me. I haven’t seen that movie in years. It is a great movie and has my favorite actor in it, Wil Wheaton. I was following their tweets via text but they (he and his wife) tweet a lot during the day. It wasn’t even funny stuff like it was before. I guess they get a lot of stupid people’s tweet that insult them. I find that it’s harsh. I feel bad about it but then they keep posting it and I just had to stop the texts. There were more texts from them in a span of an hour than anything. Now my phone is silent and I like that, least for now. I like following his wife because she posts pictures of their animals and they are really cute.

I have therapy today. I hope it goes well.

Therapy and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had my appointment with my therapist. I don’t really remember how it went. I wasn’t feeling good when she called. I had taken some pain meds earlier and still haven’t slept them off. I am really tired of being in pain. While I was waiting for her to call, I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. She was a little late in calling me and thought I would just pass out on her during our session.

We talked about my writing and how I am having difficulty continuing with my story. She suggested writing an outline or my thoughts, but I have already done that. I shouldn’t have stopped writing but it was like 3 in the morning and I needed to get some sleep. I hate when my ideas come at such late hours. No wonder my sleep is always so fragmented. The thing that I am terrified in writing is that what if I write it and it doesn’t end up being the way I want to write it. I know that might be a silly thing to write, but it’s real. Something is holding me back and I don’t know what it is. And I can’t quite figure out if I want to finish this by hand or not. If I type it, it will be easier so I don’t have to struggle with trying to read my handwriting.

We talked about my father. I will be seeing him a lot this week. I saw him yesterday and I need to see him Thursday and Friday. Thursday is to do his pills and Friday is my sister’s birthday party. It’s always so stressful to see him. I am always in a hyper-vigilant mode because I never know what antics he is going to pull. She asked me how I deal with this. I honestly don’t know. As soon as I leave his presence, I sort of calm down but sometimes the feelings linger because as I am walking toward the elevator, he sometimes calls me back. It’s hard on me, physically, because his apartment is at the end of the hall in relation to the elevator. And God forbid he should meet me halfway or something. Why he doesn’t think of it while I am there with him, I will never know. Usually he wants me to check his mail for him. Drives me crazy. Then I am a nervous wreck until I can bitch to someone about his stupidity.

My therapist and I also checked in to see how this new system of talking is working for us. I think it’s working as I am being heard rather than being ignored or being talked to all session. I still have the fear that she is going to leave me. I think that is part of the reason I can’t continue with the story because if she leaves and I got to cut her out, it just is not going to end well. She read my blog that I wrote last night. She asked if there was more to it that we should talk about and I said that I just wanted to let her know how I was feeling. She talked more about how my needs are not being met and how we can accomplish that. Frankly, I don’t think needs are ever met all the time. They fluctuate in necessity and vary by day. But right now, I am feeling disconnected from people and I am not sure how that is going to change. I need peers/friends to talk to and I just don’t have any, other than those on Facebook and the blog world. I can’t really say Twitter because no one really responds to my tweets. Since being disabled, I haven’t seen one friend on a regular basis nor has my phone received a text or phone call from a former co-worker that I thought was my friend. It’s been three years. I email a friend that lives south of me and maybe once a month I will see another friend that lives also south of me. But there is no guarantee I will be able to see them due to my pain levels. I live a solitary life, even though I live with family.

My therapist and I did talk a little about the TG issue I had with my psychiatrist. I told her she has not addressed how I like to be addressed in any of our appointments. I am still thinking of a way to let her know via email. But I am not a tactful person. I think I am just going to ask her if she could do me a favor and call me G when addressing me and see where that goes. I won’t know until I try. But my fear of rejection is what is keeping me from going through with it. I know the worse she can do is say no, but that thought keeps me from trying. I have a good relationship with my psych. I have been seeing her for more than twenty years. I think it will be favorable but, like I said, my fear of rejection is greater than my willingness to bring it up.