Tag: blog

Another tiring day of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another tiring day of pain

I woke up late today because I went to bed after 0100. I am glad I didn’t stay up till 0200 because that usually means I am up all night. But I slept good and till 0830. I think it was the first time I slept so soundly. I did wake up wanting coffee. I was hoping it would keep me awake but soon after I finished it, I was so damn tired. My ankle was also hurting me so I decided to take some pain meds. I stayed up only long enough to watch the first half of the OSU game. Then it was beddy bye time. I put my phone on vibrate and fell asleep. It was a good nap but now I feel like I can go back to sleep. I might just do that. Being in pain just wears you out.

I had a dream that I went back to the hospital where I worked. I had to go to the bathroom really bad but the first bathroom that I entered was out of order. There were leaks everywhere. I called maintenance before I tried to find another bathroom on the floor. I did and then I went to have supper with my mother. There was a ton of barbequed food on the table, ribs, chicken, pork. Some in one kind of barbeque sauce or another. As I started filling my plate, I woke up. No food for me. I did have to go to the bathroom really bad when I woke up so I went. As I went downstairs my mother told me she made pasta with sauce. I didn’t feel like having that. My stomach is feeling full. I wish I had the BBQ’d stuff, but that was just a dream.

I read this morning, “American Gods”. There is a lot of sex in this book. It should have come with a warning that it was very adult material. I am moving along in the book. Out of 500 pages, I just passed 200. It’s an interesting story but you still don’t know where you are going to end up. There is some kind of god war going on and so these people that have lived for hundreds of years are getting killed. The part I just read was about a mortuary brothers. One of the brothers did a form of autopsy. As he was doing so, he would cut slices of the liver, heart and other organs and then eat them. I shuddered. Gaiman is a very compelling writer. You don’t know what to expect when you are reading this book. They will be making this book a movie. I just hope they don’t show the part I just described. It will be too weird.

I told my psych that my PCP is leaving. She is sorry about it. She asked who was taking over and I gave her the name I was given. Maybe she can email her and break the ice for me so I don’t have to. We’ll see. Monday I have to call my repro endo doc to get more of the hormone pill as I ran out of refills. It’s been more than a year since I saw her and I hope I don’t have to see her again. She makes me nervous because she is nervous. I hate having to see her but I can’t get the pill from my PCP because the pill is to stop my periods and he isn’t familiar with that. I realized the pill isn’t even on my list of medications. I don’t know if it ever was on my list. Seems like every time I see a doc the list gets shorter or longer without my knowledge.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. She will be celebrating it at the casinos. She asked if I wanted to come and I told her no. Can’t play if you have no money. I haven’t been to the casinos in a very long time. I think the last time I went was when my therapist told me she was pregnant and that was more than ten years ago. I don’t stay long. I drive down the two hours it takes to get here and then have my fun. When the money runs out, I leave. One time I went there and I won a significant amount on my first try. I wasn’t there for more than twenty minutes. I turned around and went home. I didn’t want to lose what I had won.

I have lots to tell my therapist. I just hope I have enough time to tell her. I texted her the majority of what I want to talk about. The big thing is going to be losing my PCP. That was so unexpected. The only good news is that I don’t have to transfer my medical records as it is the same practice I am seeing the new doctor. I hope the new doctor has a schedule I can fit into. It will suck if every month I have to be squeezed in because I am being accommodated. These are just some of the worries that I have. And I won’t know more until I see my PCP next month to get more information on how my pain management is going to go. That is my biggest worry right now.

Quote of the Day 14 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

The most evident fact about suicidology and suicidal events is that they are multidimensional, multifaceted, multidisciplinary–containing as they do, concomitant biological, sociological, psychological (interpersonal and intrapsychic), epidemiological, and philosophic elements. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

it’s 0500

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0500

I woke up at 0500 today and it pissed me off. I have a hangover from the gabapentin and I will be making coffee shortly. I won’t be going to my “happy” place for coffee because I am making it at home. Starbucks still has the Sertraozinho coffee. They have plenty of bags. I might pick up another one when I get paid. I love this coffee because it’s like drinking a milk chocolate bar more than coffee. I could get it now but then my Starbucks funds will be depleted and I will be without funds until my next pay period in two weeks.

I didn’t dream. Usually when I take the Gabapentin, I don’t reach REM sleep, which is probably why I get a hangover. I feel really fuzzy. And I just took a small dose. I am glad I didn’t take two pills. The pain in my ankle is decreased but still there. I could take another dose and be a zombie all day but it’s my sister’s party tonight and I want to be somewhat conscious.

Last night before falling asleep, I was trying to read American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I must have gone through a few pages before I conked out. I hate when I leave in the middle of a chapter without a separation, but I had no choice. I just hope I remember where I left off. It was getting weird, not to say the book itself isn’t weird. I kind of wish I had the book rather than the kindle version. But the Kindle version is the one where he made adjustments and added a few words to it. So this version is longer than the book. It’s the tenth anniversary of the book.

Today is my Godfather’s birthday. He would have been 88 today. He died a few years ago. I can never remember the year. He died suddenly and in February. That is all that I remember. It really shocked his wife as he died in her arms. She was a wreck. Hell I would be too if that happened to me. I think I am going to call her sometime today to see how things are going. I haven’t talked to her since last year, I think. He was an important person in my life, always giving advice and telling stories. He suffered from Alzheimer’s so every time I talked with him, I had to tell him who I was and what I was doing as he never remembered. It was tough talking with him when he got to this stage.

Think I am going to make breakfast when I make the coffee. I am getting hungry. I haven’t had my egg sandwich in a while. I think I will make that. I really want pancakes but that is too much trouble. I make them from scratch, same with my oatmeal pancakes. The funny thing is the original pancakes and the oatmeal ones are similar. Only difference is that I use ½ cup of oatmeal instead of a cup of flour.

My mother was talking about my birthday plans. I told her I just want my immediate family with me. When I told my sisters this, they didn’t like the idea. My youngest sister is doing renovations in her kitchen and we usually have a party at her house because it is bigger than my other sister’s house. I really would like my father’s side cousins to be there but I understand that there will be no space. It’s all up in the air right now. Preferably, I rather not have a big party at all. I rather not celebrate. I am so depressed about my birthday it’s not funny. I hate it. And the fact that I am turning 40 just kills me. I never thought I would live this long. I have decided two things though. My sisters and I will be going out to eat to John Brewers and I want my cake to be a brownie with cool whip and cherries on top. I bought the mix so my mother doesn’t have to buy it. She just has to get the cool whip. It’s in a month so I don’t know how long cool whip stays for so I’ll have her buy it when it’s closer to my birthday. I wish I could see my therapist that day. But her schedule is kind of messed up because her kid gets out of school early so she is not going to be in the office the time of our appointment. It will be the first birthday that we aren’t celebrating together. If I get the Zipcar, I will see her but that is if I get accepted. I will know in a couple of weeks.

I am going to try and work on my story today. I played around with the new font that I want and got my book up to 50 pages. I just hope when I copy and paste it in the format thingy the font stays. I don’t know if you have to pay extra for it or not. When I had my first book it did copy over the Courier New font so I am hoping it will do that same with the Comic Sans. Formatting is going to be a bitch, it always is. I just hope I don’t have to revert to text and then doc to get this in the template that Amazon uses. It will suck so much. Like it did with my first book.

Other than that, I plan on doing nothing else. I am hoping to have an easy day and I hope my sister’s party goes well tonight. I made her a homemade card and I hope that she likes it.

Quote of the Day 13 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychology, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

The explanation of suicide in humankind is the same as the explanation of the suicide of any particular human. Suicidology, the study of human suicide, and a psychological autopsy of a particular case are identical in their goals: to nibble at the puzzle of human self-destruction. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache