Tag: blog

Feeling heartbroken

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling heartbroken

I know this is probably all the sleep deprivation as I have been up since 0500. Psychache is running high. I just feel like my world is falling apart and I don’t know why that is. I read a blog a little while ago. I like this person’s blog. She has a similar condition like mine. We have been talking for more than a year now. She wrote in her latest blog that she is planning on ending her life and that makes me sad to lose her or think of losing her. I know it is her right. I wrote that in my latest Quote for the Day. I am just feeling really emotional right now. I really want to cry.

I think spending time with my father has really warped my head. He was such an ass today. I was helping him do something, and he said thank you, but I don’t believe his sincerity. I have known him too long. Then I read something about Narcissists. Described my father to a T and I just read the first line of the article. My therapist says that I have a narcissistic injury because of him. I have no idea what that means. I will ask her about it tomorrow when I talk with her.

Since the turmoil with my therapist, I haven’t been able to write anything for my book. Doesn’t look like it will get done this year. I am stuck at page 30 and there I will stay. I just can’t think of anything to write. I want to finish the roots story but I am having trouble because my damn pen keeps running out of ink when I start working on it. I keep forgetting to replace the pen in my pocket in my jeans. I am such a loser.

Since my friend has been talking about how she wants to end her life because of pain, it stirred up my feelings on the matter. Before I read her story, I wanted to put a plastic bag over my head. It was laying on my bed, innocent as can be and I just had this rush of wanting to end my life like that. The feelings didn’t last long but it was there. I can’t deny it. I think of these things often, of ending my life, not putting a bag over my head. Yet I am for suicide prevention. I am such a hypocrite. I would stay up all night with someone if it meant saving their life but I wouldn’t reach out when I am suicidal. Sure I write on my blog. I vent about how sucky my life is. How I am in pain nearly every single day. That I am probably dependent on the pain medication I am on. I am not addicted. There is a difference between addiction and dependence. I don’t take more than I should of my medication. Sometimes I don’t even take it because the pain is just not that great. I am not saying I like being in pain, but why take a pill when my pain is minimal? It’s when it’s unbearable I take my pills. It might be too late by then but least I have something. My friend doesn’t have anything except MJ. Because of all the stupid damn bullshit around opioid use, doctors are scared to prescribe it to real chronic pain patients. I am always afraid my doc will stop prescribing my meds. That will be the day he signs my death certificate.

I read today that one of my Twitter buddies was looking for purpose. I often wonder if I have a purpose in this world. My therapist and psychiatrist always says that I do. But I don’t feel it. I don’t have a life worth living as Marsha Linehan would say. Actually, I don’t know what she would say. I know I just want to belong, to feel connected. I wrote something on Twitter and no one responded. I have my tweets also go to Facebook and got more responses. I have 500 Twitter followers and not one of them responded to my tweet. It’s like unless I include them in the tweet, it just gets ignored. I honestly don’t get the Twitter world sometimes. Yet I will say something profound and get many retweets and favorites. Go figure that out. I don’t think anyone cares what I say anymore.

psych appointment and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I will be so damn happy when my baby is back in my possession. Stupid Excel is having problems loading on my old laptop. I wanted to update a few files and I can’t because it won’t open.

I went to my psychiatrist’s appointment. It went well, though I didn’t bring up the TG stuff. It slipped my mind as we were talking about therapy and my horrible sleeping. She suggested I take melantonin. I have been afraid to take this because I am afraid it will have the opposite affects. And most of the time you cannot take it if you are on antidepressants. But I am not on antidepressants so there shouldn’t be any interactions that I know of. She doesn’t think the meds I take are causing me to be hyper. So it must just be the Bipolar in me. I have never had regular sleep in so long. I used to be able to sleep 12 hour days but that hasn’t happened in a very long time. She also warned me that the hospital is updating their electronic records system so it might be difficult to get refills, least from her because I guess there is a lot of clicking involved. She doesn’t like this system but it integrates a lot of departments that will be useful to clinicians. I have heard it is a pain in the ass from other departments. She told me that one hospital it crashed for several hours. Nice system. But as I know from experience, there are always going to be bugs when a new system rolls in. We had that problem in the lab when we had our new system. It took a long time to log in one specimen. The system crashed due to memory problems. It could only hold so much data before it crashed so it had to be purged every eight hours or so and took a half hour to do so. It was ridiculous. But the system got better as years went on. Hopefully when this system is online, my psych will get used to it.

I have been up since 0500 and I am so very tired. I had breakfast before 0700 and haven’t eaten anything since, except for candy. I am too tired to make a sandwich. My mother told me we are having lentil soup for supper, so maybe I will also make a grilled cheese sandwich so I get full. I need a nap because I have been going since 0800. I went to my appointment and then had to go over my father’s to do an errand. When I get there he tells me his liver doctor called. I thought this was weird because all his doctors know to call me, not him as he gets confused and doesn’t understand what they are saying. He told them to call back at 1300 when I would be there. Well, 1300 came and went and I was tired of being around him. He annoys me so much. I have no idea who called him as I called the doctor’s office and spoke to the secretary. No one that she knew called him. I told him if they callback, to give them my number and left. Then I waited for the bus and this young kid was asking for change. He ran into his buddy and I guess he gave him money because he bought a drink and then left.

My ankle is not liking me right now. It’s really not going to like me as I have been going up and down the stairs looking for the FedEx and mail trucks. Neither have shown up yet. I am still waiting for a check to come to me. It’s been weeks that I have been waiting. I know it will come when I give up hope it will come that day. I really hope the FedEx truck comes soon. I really want to take some pain meds and nap.

I didn’t ask my psychiatrist if she still wanted me around. I guess sleep deprivation really makes you forget stuff. I am going to ask my therapist this question. I just don’t feel like I am worthy to be seen by them. I am so tired of living. It’s just too painful.

Hot Cold, Cold Hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Hot cold, cold hot

For the past two days, I have been either freezing cold or burning hot. I am not running a fever. I will wear layers and then get too hot and have to remove them only to be cold a few minutes later. I only got a few hours sleep so I know I am going to be cold today. I always am when I run on no sleep. I don’t know how I have been surviving on so little sleep lately. This is the second Saturday that I have been up most of the night. Last week, I didn’t go to sleep till 0600. Last night, I didn’t go to sleep till around 0500. I read, I wrote, I listened to music but nothing was making the meds work. I was very tired but I was too restless to go to sleep. I even put on my whisperer to drown out the quietness of my room because the fan wasn’t on. I haven’t turned the fan on today because I haven’t been burning up. I just have been really cold. The temp has dropped ten degrees so that is good. And it gets colder at night, too. My mother has been stingy with the heat, not that I mind in my current state. I thought it had to do with menopause but I emailed my psych and she told me to take my temperature. I got so aggravated. She said she will keep an eye on it. So in the mean time, I am oscillating between being really warm to freezing cold.

I have been trying to stay up and not take a nap, hoping that I fucking sleep through the night. I have to get up early tomorrow to see my psych. I have to be out of the house by the latest 0815. Football game was early this afternoon so nothing should keep me up. Last night there were two football games I was keeping track of, the Nebraska and OSU games. Both had awesome finishes, though I really wish I watched the end of the Nebraska game. They came back to win it all. It was awesome. I did watch OSU get their last touchdown to clinch the win. Cardale Jones was very good last night.

I have been texting my therapist stupid shit just because I can. I don’t get a response so it’s like tweeting. I wrote her a letter last night that I need to print out and send her. I was going to blog it but it’s too personal. I don’t remember what I wrote. I know I included the quotes from the last two nights. It was easier than sending her the link to the blog.

Went to BPD chat tonight, even though the topic I wasn’t comfortable with. It was talking about shame. There are lots of things I feel ashamed about. It struck a nerve for me. I didn’t give specific details because I really didn’t want to get into my disability but I could definitely relate to most of what they were talking about. One of the things is body image. I don’t know if I have the body image disorder or if the TG stuff is making it difficult for me to “like” my body. I really hate myself, all of me. There is not one thing I like, except for maybe my hair because I have control over it. I can cut it short, grow it long, style it the way I want, etc. I can’t do that with the things on my chest. I hate them with a passion. But I feel so self-conscious about them because they are there. There is nothing I can do about them, least not yet. But it still makes me hate my body because I can’t stand it. And then being overweight and always being called fat by my father nearly every day of my life doesn’t help.

I woke up from a nap and will be hopefully go back to sleep soon as I just took my night meds. It felt good to have like a 4 hour nap but now I am awake, cold but awake. I woke up hotter than hell but now I am cold again. Something is wrong with me. But I have no fever so that is good. I don’t see my doc this month. I see him next. I think something is going on with my thyroid. It would explain so much. But knowing me, nothing is ever that easy. And I can’t believe my stupid doc didn’t order thyroid testing for my annual. When I see my psych tomorrow, I am going to ask her to order it. Three days of this is enough!

Saturday Blog 36

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Saturday Blog 36

I went to the Square and didn’t get stranded. I was so happy the bus came on time to take me home. I did a little bit of writing on my new story that I wrote almost a month and a half ago. It was the first time writing on it since I drafted it. The pen I was using ran out of ink, but I came prepared this time. I had two pens in my pocket, each a different colored ink. I didn’t care as long as I wrote something to this story. When not working on the whole of the story, I have a notepad by my bed that I write my ideas on. I will inject these ideas when I am typing up the whole.

It is fricken cold today, despite being close to 60 degrees. I just wore a T-shirt and it turned out to be a mistake. I should have worn a sweater. I had time to grab it but that would mean walking down the street I hate, going up two flights of stairs and then going down same flights of stairs, up the same street that I hate and wait for the bus. Wasn’t happening so I froze. I don’t know why Starbucks had the damn AC on. Maybe the place has to be kept a cooler temperature for the machines. We had to be kept cold in the lab because the analyzers ran so hot. So even on a cold winter day, the temperature in the lab was cold as well. I don’t ever remember the lab being kept warm, except by the machines. I didn’t care as I was always hot. It was very rare that I was cold due to the temperature of the lab. I wouldn’t wear shorts, but I always wore a T-shirt or short sleeved button down. I miss working in the lab. I wish I could work just a few hours but I know my ankle would act up even before I got to work and then by the end of the shift, I would be in more pain. I no longer have a car so going home by T would suck really bad. But it depends on what shift I would work. Preferably, I would love swing shift, this way I am not there early and I can get out early. But with my LTD, I can’t work at all and I can’t risk losing it in case working doesn’t work out.

It was stressful in the lab because of the high demand of patient samples on any given shift. During the week was the worse because of outpatient samples. They would come in by the truck load. And there was no keeping up until they stopped coming in. It had its moments though. I was a senior person, even though I never got the actual title for it. Even supervisors would come to me with questions on how to handle a difficult specimen. I seen it all, all types of body fluids, tissues, you name it, I probably saw it, except for body parts. That was another department.

My twitter buddy posted some stuff today that really got me angry. Apparently, there is a petition going around the internet wanted to remove the “T” from LGBT. As if being transgendered isn’t hard enough. They got like 1000 signatures. What fucking morons. What is next, removing the “B”? I don’t get it. I didn’t want to even look at the stupid petition because I knew it would upset me. I am already feeling like an outcast in my own skin, let alone to the LGBT community. I had a weird dream last night that I was thrown out of the house and I had to call this 800 number to get to Houston. My cousin lives in Houston and the number links to him. I would go there to live. It was the strangest dream I ever had. I guess yesterday’s blog really sunk into my subconsciousness. I have been meaning to call a transgender hotline, just to talk about being transgender but the hotlines are mostly for crisis and I am not in crisis. I would hate to take time up while someone who is in crisis needs to talk to someone. I wish they had email or something that I could use. It would be helpful to talk to another FTM. My brother in law’s nephew is FTM but he doesn’t like to talk about the specifics about his condition. He has been through so much discrimination and I hate to bring it up because he always seems to stand offish. One of my brother in law’s brother used to be gay, but gave “it” up when he became a Jehovah’s witness. I don’t know how you can give up your sexuality, but then I don’t understand that faith at all. He says he is depressed at times and I wonder if it is because he isn’t who he truly is meant to be. You can have a relationship with God or a higher power and still be gay. I just don’t understand. People do it all the time. I don’t have a relationship with God or a higher power. I guess it’s because of the way I grew up that I don’t believe in it anymore. I had one person tell me when I was at my lowest point that maybe I should seek out “his guidance” all because he prayed for me all the time. I got really mad because I felt like who are you to tell me this or tell me what I should or shouldn’t believe in. It was very upsetting to me.

But getting back to the transgender piece, I often feel so alone. I don’t have many gay or lesbian friends that I am close to. I never belonged in the community even when I went to the Boston Alliance of Gay and Lesbian Youth (BAGLY). I still felt like I was an outsider even among my peers. We had MTF leader but I never was able to get close enough to her to talk to her about how I felt. I just was a tomboy lesbian to the group. I didn’t know what being TG was until I was in my 30s. It was then that I realized part of the root of my suicidality was that I was the wrong gender. It was killing me and I had no idea. Every time I would get my menses, I would get seriously suicidal until I started bleeding. Then I would be “fine”. It got worse as time went on. I dreaded getting the menses every month and the suicidality just got worse. I split myself in two, the part that had to go on living and working to sustain myself and the other part to end my life because it had become so unbearable. All of this was before I found Shneidman and Jobes. I think if I didn’t find their work, I might not be here today. Ten years ago this month I made a plan to end my life. I went on business as usual until my therapist as what was really going on. I remember laughing at the question because I was so split. I was bored in therapy. I mean what was the point as I was going to kill myself. But she got to me and I made the decision to tell her my plans before I acted on them. I somewhat regret that decision at times. I know I regretted it a year later when I got hit with CES again. I think it was around this time that I was putting two and two together around being transgender and how much it was killing me not being who I was. It was killing me being a female, literally. The only thing that I wanted to do more than anything was to either have a hysterectomy or stop my menses. It took a couple years of trial and error with pills to get to where I am today. Even when I have to have break through bleeding every 4-5 months it doesn’t bother me as much as it did. It does bother me, but I am not suicidal over it.

I know there are FTMs out there. I just got to find them and hopefully they will accept me into their community. Being alone sucks and is so isolating. Even if I just had one person to talk to, that would be good. I hope I find that one person that doesn’t think I am a freak.