Tag: blog

Random 504

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

My psychiatrist cancelled our appointment for this afternoon. I get to see her early Monday morning instead. This turned out ok except I didn’t go to Starbucks like I planned to. I woke up early enough but the dang tireds got me and I couldn’t leave my bed. I kept waking up every hour saying “ok, just a few more minutes”, but those minutes turned into hours. I had an errand to do with my mother and finally was able to get up around 1245 to go with her.

I figured I would take the later bus but the clothes I was wearing were making me really hot (sweatpants) on this very warm day. I still have time to go catch the bus but I think I will go tomorrow or try to. My luck for going to the Square on a Saturday haven’t been too good. But I now know a way around it should I get stranded.

One of my twitter buddies was talking about suicide and how people blame the patient for not getting well in therapy. It triggered me big time as well as pissed me off. So I did a little ranting about it as it really provoked my thoughts on the matter. I normally turn these rants into a blog because there were quite a few good thoughts on the matter. But I am too lazy to collect them. No one responded to my tweets, not even my friend. Oh well. I guess I don’t write very well. But then I don’t have many followers.

This morning when my psych emailed me to change our appointment, I was very surprised she used my birth name. I have always signed my name as the one I plan on changing it to for the past year now. It was kind of shocking. I thought she was ok with my transgender status. Now I am going to have to confront her on it. I am really nervous because it will be like confronting my mother. We never really discussed names. I always call her doc. I never call her by her first name. I don’t know if, because we have known each other for so long, she is having trouble calling me the name that I chose or that because I never brought it up before, she just doesn’t know. Calling me by my birth name really bothers me because I hate the name with a passion. I have been meaning to bring it up to her because this isn’t the first time she has used my birth name since coming out as TG. I know there have been a few name changes since I first came out. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to change my name to. But now I have firmly decided on GC or G. The thing that sucks is that I can’t discuss this with my therapist until Tuesday and my appointment with my pdoc is on Monday. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like writing her an email because I am better at writing than face to face confrontation. If it goes wrong, I know I am going to feel suicidal.

In Pain and Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In pain and can’t sleep

I have been fighting pain since I came home. Soon after I finished my previous blog today, my middle finger knuckle started hurting. I took some aspirin hoping it would settle it down some. It did but then it wore off and is now hurting more than my damn ankle. If I move my finger, I am in more pain so I am trying to not move it too much. Good thing I don’t give people the finger too often, hehehe.

I have been listening to Pandora for the past couple of hours. It’s Terri Clark radio and it is a good mix of songs, older country to new. I love it. AND it plays Terri Clark songs, unlike the Jake Owen radio station I created. I created it to listen to Jake, and I got about 30 songs before I got to Jake. I also got people that weren’t country like Rhianna and someone else. I don’t remember the name. I think I will have to delete the station and start over.

I am very tired, more tired than I was when I wrote my other blog. But soon as I lie down, I wake up. I get restless and can’t lie down anymore. Yet when I am sitting up I can rest. It doesn’t make sense. I think I need to take an Ativan to get some sleep. I think I am nervous about tomorrow because I have to be up early to catch the 0949 bus. I should be awake by then but with this nervousness, I don’t know if I will be. I always get nervous that I will oversleep when I need to get up early. I set my alarm, just in case. If I get up before 7 but after 5, I will just stay up. If I wake up at 4 I am going to try and go back to sleep. I just don’t know how many hours I will be sleeping.

I keep plowing through my book “Dead Wake”. I find it so sad that there were warnings but no one headed them. It’s like the left hand didn’t know what the right was doing. And they thought for sure that no submarine was going to attack a civilian passenger liner. More people were killed on this boat than the Titanic. I don’t think there were any survivors, though I haven’t read the entire story, yet. I do know there were close to 2,000 dead. Just a sad story. And I am reading it for the history part and because I am a history person. I also like sunken ships and such. It is what drew me to the Titanic when they found her in 1984/5. To me, it was unimaginable that such a tragedy could happen but because it did, marine travel changed. Boats were fitted with lifeboats for ALL passengers and crew and radio communications were open 24/7. In the book, the captain of the ship ordered practice drills for lifeboats several times.

I need to get a card for my Godmother tomorrow as Wednesday is coming soon. I will try and get one while I am out and about in the morning. If I remember, maybe I will hit CVS before I hit Starbucks. I can’t believe how much my finger is throbbing. I hate arthritic pain. I hate pain in general, but arthritic pain has to be the worse because it just hurts whenever you move that joint. I am trying to keep my hand as stable as possible but I do have to flex my finger to type. It’s not really my finger that is aching, it’s the knuckle behind it. I had to take my ring off my ring finger to ease the pressure. It just sucks. And I can’t sleep because between my ankle and my hand/knuckle, I can’t fall asleep. I want to attack the donuts I bought. I know that is not going to help my pain but it will help something. But I don’t want to start eating when I am stressed because that isn’t a good thing.

Soon as my quote is published tonight, I am going to send it to my therapist. It fits with the theme of frustrated needs and suicide. Thing is, I don’t know why Shneidman uses succorance rather than love. The word is so old that Word doesn’t recognize it. I don’t know where the word has its origins. I like the history of words. I think it’s neat to know where a word came from, whether it be Latin or Greek or whatever. According to Merriam-Webster (aka Google) the word means dependence, especially a dependence on or an active seeking for nurturant care. It’s from the British, which probably explains why Word doesn’t recognize the word. So people who are looking for someone to care for them and don’t find it get frustrated and want to kill themselves. Makes sense, to me anyway. I am sure there are other mitigating factors other than this one need being thwarted that leads to thinking about suicide, however. Suicide is never just one thing. It’s usually a cascade of things that just comes to a head and you just can’t take anymore. Like being in excruciating pain every day and one day it just becomes too much to bear. That is when the planning starts and the time becomes shorter. You might act impulsively or it can be a planned event. I always have a planned event but my dates always get thwarted by my damn treaters. They still want me to stick around for to avoid THEIR pain, not mine. Maybe I will take that up with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Why she wants me to live when I am not sleeping and I am in so much pain it keeps me up and give me fucking anxiety. That to me is worse than being in pain in the first place. Thing I don’t understand is that when my pain is elevated, my BP and pulse rate aren’t. It’s strange. But I still want to die because I rather die than live this way anymore. I am only here to prevent other people’s pain and that is no way to live.

No Social Media Tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

No Social Media Tonight

I am recording the Country Music Awards, which I will watch tomorrow, I hope. So until then, I have to avoid twitter and facebook because everyone is talking about who won. I get text messages from twitter for my favorite DJ and had to put a stop to that. She was also tweeting all the winners.

After I had dinner, I had to take a nap for some reason. I was really tired and I am not sure why. I usually help my mother cook dinner when her back is acting up. I didn’t do much as things were almost done anyway. The most I did was put pasta in a pan to cook. I helped to clear some of the stuff away after we ate. I didn’t wash anything as I don’t do it “right”. I don’t know why my energy levels went to zero after doing this light activity. I was feeling tired anyways so maybe that is why. I never went to the store. I’ll probably go tomorrow while I am out.

I am having weird sensations in my arms. They feel like string beans. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. It’s uncomfortable but bearable, least for now. I need more sleep. Usually, I get these sensations if I am sleep deprived. I just took my night meds so I am waiting for them to kick in. Since taking double dose of my mood stabilizer, I have been feeling better. The depression is still rearing its ugly head but I am not feeling manicky.

I got a call from Dell today, giving me an update on my laptop. They are working on repairing it now and it should take a couple days to do so. I was hoping it was going to take less time, but as long as it is done right, I don’t care how long it takes. I think it should be shipped out to me sometime next week. I hope there are no problems with it after they fix it. The last time they fixed it, I had to return it to them because the fan was making a high pitched noise. It was driving me insane. Luckily, that was still under warranty at the time so I didn’t have to pay for it.

I just looked up when was the first time I started the “Quote of the Day”. It’s been almost a month. I am going to have to keep a notebook so there are no repeats. Shneidman likes to repeat himself. I have found the quote “there are many pointless deaths but no needless suicides” at least three times in the book, so far. I am re-reading it because it is an interesting book. The next session talks about how he was able to predict who would kill themselves and who wouldn’t in a study he was researching. I find that fascinating. If only we could apply it to the real world. I must have read this at least four times so I know what to expect. I think he writes a little bit of all this stuff in every book he wrote. Most of these books he wrote toward the end of his life so it’s not surprising there are repeated things. There are still some books that I want just so that I have his collection of works. But they are hard to find because they are no longer in print. I used to have a website that had out of print books but I don’t remember the name. I think it was in Canada. I found Murray’s classic “Explorations in Personality” in it. It was printed in 1938. I have not read it. I have this thing where I buy books and they collect dust. I say I am going to read it, and never do. I have three books so far that I bought three years ago that I still haven’t read. It was tough because the “Battle Cry for Freedom” took me so long to read that it kind of left me not want to ever read again. But I am making headway with “Dead Wake” and I am happy with that. I think because the chapters are short, I am able to get through the book.

I really want to go on Twitter. But I don’t want to see who won awards. And it’s a pain to mute everyone because then I have to unmute them tomorrow.

I really don’t want to see my father tomorrow. But I have no choice. Think I will reward myself with a roast beef sandwich and onion rings afterwards. I also need to try and get a haircut. This Friday I have to see my pdoc. I don’t want to see her either. I am kind of mad at her because she didn’t respond to any of my emails that I sent to her. Not one acknowledgement that she even received them. It pisses me off when I don’t hear back from her. It’s like I am sending the messages to cyberspace when I don’t hear back.

hindsight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I decided not to go out to day. By the time I thought about it, I would have to rush to catch the bus and I didn’t feel like rushing. I might go to Walgreens later to get a card for my Godmother, whose birthday is next week. I also want to get the fricken snacks I have been craving. The last time I went to Walgreens, they were out of them.

I had therapy today and I shared my thoughts about this paper that I want to write. It’s something I started before we had our little disagreement. But now that I know that she isn’t going anywhere, I think I can go back to it. I might work on it today, while I figure out what to do with myself now that I am not going to the Square. Tomorrow I need to go out to my father’s. I saw him last night and he was his typical self, watching what everyone was doing. I didn’t have too much interaction with him. He really aggravates the fuck out of me, just seeing him fills me with disgust. I talked about it in therapy today. She was telling me that it’s because of his narcissism that I feel this way. He is just an asshole in my book.

I’m feel really down today. I had a cup of tea to warm me up as well as a comfort. I really love a good cup of tea. I didn’t feel like making coffee because I thought I would be going out today. But I think my bowels have other plans for me today. I feel like I got the runs brewing. I might have to cut back on the senna. It’s always a balancing act. Drives me nuts. I didn’t talk about the depression with my therapist. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about it. We were talking more about my frustrated needs and how to apply them that I really didn’t want to bring it up.

We talked some more about an adjunctive therapist. But I think it’s just talk. I really don’t see it going anywhere. It would be a dream to see my twitter doc as I really like him and I think we would be a perfect fit. But he has a dog and I am not a dog person, though the dog mostly sleeps. Least that is the impression I get from all the pics he posts of her.

I checked the status of my baby (laptop). It is being repaired so I should get it sometime next week, if they don’t have to order parts. I am getting used to the laptop I am using but I like my lighter laptop better.

I just realized I am wearing scrubs for PJs. Score, I don’t have to change to go out! I will just go to Walgreens. It’s warm today so I will just wear a T-shirt. I hope they have my snacks in stock or I will be disappointed.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal the past few days. I think the increase in trileptal (mood stabilizer) at night has some protective factors. I wish it would help with my damn sleep though. I woke up at fucking 0500. I was able to get back to sleep but come on. I hate waking up early because the day just drags. Even when I read my book, it takes me a few minutes to go through a chapter because they are not really long. They are about ten pages or less. And it is easy reading, so that helps. What bothers me about this book is that the tragedy could have been avoided had the British Navy interceded the damn Lusitania and escorted her to her port. There were warnings before the ship set sailed the Germans wanted to sink the ship. HELLO?? But I guess hindsight is 20/20, after the fact. Just like the Titanic being in full steam during iceberg season.