Tag: cauda equina syndrome

A Reunion Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Reunion Sunday

I went to a reunion today. It was of my former coworkers from a company that went bankrupt due to bad management in KC, MO. The company was owned by Payless Cashways, no longer in existence and neither is the company it bought out. But the people is what made going to work nice and pleasant, even if you dealt with cranky customers. Not all customers were cranky but it taught me how to deal with customer service. Unfortunately, it would be the last time I would ever work retail. And just as a reminder if I ever go back, I just have to listen to a customer complain about how their 3rd latte isn’t just right.

It was good seeing my old friends that I haven’t seen in years. It was good to catch up with people and sad to learn that people are no longer with us. It has been more than 15 years since the company closed, yet we all still like to get together. Even though we were once close, I felt out of place. There was only one friend that talked with me for more than 10 minutes. I am not that social so did not initiate conversations. I did a lot of standing and walking around the room. I would say hi to someone but it was nothing more than that. I guess I am an introvert.

I just had my dinner, a black bean burger. Now I can just sit up with my leg elevated and maybe try and take a nap. I really am tired as I didn’t sleep that well. My idiot father called me at 0230 saying his “liver hurts”. I told him to take some pain medicine and I will call him in the morning. He called me shortly after I got to the reunion. Probably because he couldn’t reach my sister. I called him back and he was doing better. I was thankful because I didn’t want to leave the place and spend the day in the ER. I bet he was probably just hungry as he hasn’t been eating lately.

A weird thing was on my wrist. A pimple had formed on one of my scars in the center of it. I was able to pop it but in the process, it triggered me. I so want to cut now. I am trying to distract myself but it is so hard. I am also trying not to look at my wrist as that only makes the urges more powerful. I might put a bandage on it if the urges become stronger. Sometimes if I cover the scars up, it makes me less likely to cut.

I just have one, well two, prescriptions to pick up for the rest of the month and then I think I am done with it. I think I am going to call the state health agency and see if I can get a better drug plan because dishing out $10 per medication is adding up to money I don’t have. I managed this month but next month, I might not be so lucky.

Better, but not great

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Better, but not great

I slept fairly well last night, despite being in horrible pain. I woke up a few times before 9, but I was able to get back to sleep. It wasn’t until my phone’s app started beeping for me to take my blood pressure meds did I get up. Then I realized that I had to go to the post office to drop off the book for my neurologist. I sent her an email saying it is on its way. I should have put the review books in the mail. I think it would be nice to get reviewed by the American Association of Suicidology. But I am too scared of rejection that I hold back.

Today is a warm day. I was sweating by the time I came home from my errands. I picked up my meds too while I was out. My ankle is kindly thanking me now. I really want to go out and get coffee but I just missed the bus and the next one isn’t for another hour. So no coffee today. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it. Making coffee at home just doesn’t have the same appeal as going out for coffee.

Last night I was in a rough spot. I hope that I don’t ever be in that spot again. The suicidal thoughts were great and it would have been easy to take 14 pills. That was all that I needed to help my pain or make me sicker than a dog. I am glad I didn’t find out. But it scares me that I feel like that in the moment but this morning, I don’t feel like I did last night. Granted I am in less pain than I was in but still, I could have injured myself and no one would have known about it, least not until it was too late. My therapist wouldn’t get the texts until Monday. That wouldn’t have been any good.

I seriously thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already spoke to her that day. Granted it was an urgent situation and not a “hi, how are you” one. I just think that I can get through the episodes on my own, that I don’t need any help. I feel funny asking for help. It is like it goes against the grain of what I am feeling.

I have been in this situation plenty of times. I feel like if I do reach out for help, I am a bother. And I know that if I call my psychiatrist, she most likely will tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want that. The ER is not going to help me with my pain. They won’t find anything wrong with me and then ship me off to psych ER for further evaluation. Maybe they will put me in the hospital, maybe they won’t. I just know that I don’t want to go to the ER at all because it is a waste of time for me. And being in the hospital is a bigger waste of time, as I found that out in August.

Thing is, I was in a lot of pain, more than my normal amount that I am in. And it wears you out, both mentally and physically. Now that I am not in so much pain, I can look back on what was going on and be insightful.

Ankle Chronicles 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

area of pain

Ankle Chronicles 7

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her that the pain that I have been feeling is causing the suicidal thoughts to come back, though in passing, nothing concrete. She wants me to call her if they stick around. I told her I would.

This pain has been going on since Labor Day. No matter what I do, or don’t do, I am in pain. Going up and down stairs is the worst. I finally had enough. I called uncle. So I will be seeing an ankle fellow in a couple of weeks because the head honcho doesn’t have any openings until December. This will be doctor number 14 that I will see for the same problem. Luckily, all my records are in the same system so I don’t have to carry around different records with me from different places. I might have to collect records from the podiatrist I saw, but we’ll see on that. I just know that I am in pain, nearly 24/7. And it is draining me. The past week I have been so miserable I don’t want to go out. And if I do go out, I want to go back home and soon. I need to keep my foot elevated to make it happy. But even that isn’t making it happy anymore. I just don’t know what to do except to keep on taking pain medication. And even that is losing its effectiveness.

I am seriously losing my mind over this pain in my ankle. It’s right below the bone on the outside. I forget the name of the bone and I am too lazy to google it. My PCP says it is a tendon. I know it’s a tendon. I have been dealing with this pain for a LONG time now. I know it’s the peroneous tendon and possibly, muscles, too. I don’t care what the names are. I just want the pain to stop. And I don’t want an injection of cortisone because I believe that it damages tendons more than it helps them shrink. I will NOT have another nerve block in that ankle because when it wore off, I was in agony for three whole days. I won’t go through that again.

I told my psychiatrist I was seeing a fellow rather than the chief and also a smartass remark. She came back with a “calm down”. How can I calm down when the very act of walking is being taken away from me?? Really?? I can’t go anywhere unless I walk. Down the stairs, up the stairs, go to the store, the bathroom, kitchen, etc. Each of these activities causes me huge amounts of pain, the stairs being the worst pain. I have to make conscious effort to hold my foot upright while going down the stairs and the same effort going back up. It’s DRAINING!!!! I have no more mental spoons or physical spoons to do anything else, like brush my teeth or shower. I got a haircut today and needed to shower but couldn’t so I just washed my hair. That hurt more than the shower would have. I don’t think my psychiatrist knows where I am coming from. Maybe she is tired of hearing me complain about my pain. It has been going on for three years now. I bet that is it. People are just so damn tired of me complaining about my ankle.

And I have a reunion to go to on Sunday. HOLY FUCK, I AM FUCKED. I will most likely be standing most of the time. SHIT! I didn’t think about this until now. I will have to wear my dreaded brace. It won’t help 100% but it will help some. I will be sore as hell after and possibly the rest of the week. Good thing I have nothing planned. I really want to see my old coworkers. They are the best bunch of people to know. I will carry with me my little book so that I can get their addresses to send them Christmas cards.

I am suicidal because mentally I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. It has gone on too long. I really need to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. Otherwise, I am going to go another night of no pain meds. I just wish I had the fucking energy to get them. I would have someone else go, but you need an ID to get the meds. Just great. I have to go. I guess I will stop complaining about my ankle for another day.

but you don’t have…

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/well-at-least-its-not.html

This blog tells it as it is. it is an enjoyable read for those of us that get the stigma of well at least you don’t have…