Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Anniversaries of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been up early and just took a shower after debating it all morning. I feel fresh and clean. I also don’t feel like a scrub. I have been going to the bathroom all morning so I needed to shower to feel like a human again. I don’t know why I went so much. I haven’t had any stimulants like coffee to make me go. I hope I don’t go anymore. The pain is unreal.

I’m listening to Linkin Park. I love their music. It really helps when I am in a sucky mood. I emailed my psychiatrist late last night to tell her how I am doing. I told her about the voices telling me to do stuff. I was expecting a response but haven’t gotten one yet. I know it’s the stress of the MRI that is making the voices act up. Once I pass this stress and find out that I am okay or not, the voices should simmer down. Least I hope they will.

I have a party to go to at 1400. I really just want to go back to sleep. I am not up to seeing family members and socializing. I don’t really have to get dressed as I just have to go to my sister’s apartment on the first floor. Maybe I will empty my recycle bin and make an appearance and then leave. I am glad my father is not going to be there. One less stress to deal with. I came from my sister’s, who asked me to throw something in the recycle bin. I just had my slippers on and it was very wet on the porch as it’s a stormy, rainy day. I guess I will wait to empty my bin for another day. My slippers were almost soaked and are now drying on a radiator.

Today is my therapist and I’s anniversary. We have been together 15 years. I will definitely bring it up when we have our session Tuesday. I can’t believe that we have been together so long. We have been through some very difficult times, numerous suicidal episodes, and a few joyous moments. She always believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She still does. I trust her more than anyone in the world, aside from my psychiatrist.

Course, with this anniversary means that next month will mark the 15th anniversary of me getting CES for the first time. I hope I don’t have it for the third time in my life. I really won’t be able to deal with it. It’s just traumatizing to go through the surgery, stay in the hospital, and then go through rehab. I just won’t be able to take it another time. The 2nd time I got it, I was numb to it. I was so distanced from it that I had a delusional/dissociative episode while in the hospital. I wasn’t emptying my bladder so while they were catheterizing me, I was completely out of it before passing out. I really don’t want to go through this a third time, especially if this means a fusion. I will be cooped up in the house if we get bad snow storms. That will just hinder my progress.

I am so scared of the results of my MRI that I will be having tomorrow. I have been drinking a lot of fluid today and will continue to drink until I have my scan. I think the drinking has helped my cold as I don’t feel as congested.

My thigh is hurting me. I really don’t want to do anything today. I am glad I don’t have to go out as it’s just gross out. But I rather have rain than snow any day.

Feeling Weird

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling Weird

I just finished a chapter in “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. This book just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along. But I am feeling weird. I am dizzy and lightheaded, even though I am sitting down. I feel like the voices are getting stronger and louder. I am becoming unnerved, like everything is bothering me and I don’t know what that everything is.

I am really tired and I know I should get some sleep. Maybe I am entering a dissociative state. I really want to die. The voices want me to die. They keep telling me to take this or that bottle of pills. I am in a lot of pain. And now my pinky toe on my good foot is hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t bang it recently or anything. I am so pissed off that I have another ache to deal with. I nearly choked on one of my pills tonight. It wouldn’t go down and I couldn’t cough it up. I was scared. But then I drank some more powerade and it went down, thankfully. I seriously need to cut this pill in half or something. I will ask the pharmacist if I can do this.

I am starting to feel dangerous. But not out of the control dangerous. This cold that I have is making me crazy because I can’t breathe through my nose. One side of my nostrils get clogged up and then it will clear and then the other side will get clogged up. It’s a repeating pattern that has been going on for several days now. I keep blowing out clear stuff so I know I don’t have an infection. My sister thinks it’s dust bunnies that are making me sick. If that were the case, I would be dead as I still haven’t cleaned my ceiling fan. Voices are after me to clean it, too. I just am lazy to clean it. It won’t take that long. But I feel that I can’t stand too long to do it and will have pain afterwards.

I want to text my therapist that I am not doing ok. I might send this blog to my psychiatrist so she knows I am not doing okay. I just don’t want to go into the hospital. They will just drug me up there and I don’t want to be drugged up. I rather be drugged up at home. Plus they will fuck up my medication and I will be taking twice the number of pills that I am currently taking. NO way, Jose. I am not going to sit at the nurses station/med counter with 30 pills to take because they don’t have the doses I currently take. Fuck that. And it won’t do no good anyway. They don’t understand about psychosis and stress, the hospital not my treatment team. I just want to be left alone, maybe have a few check ins with my pdoc and then be ok. I know this will settle down once I get the MRI report. That is what is stressing me out big time. It is no fun having surgery or the possibility of surgery hanging over your head.

I had spasms again today in my bad foot. It is driving me crazy because I am getting them 304 times a week now. I don’t know what to do about it other than to take an Ativan for it. It’s the only think that settles it down. And then I am toast for the day. It hurts to walk afterwards as I am so sore from the contractions. I really don’t want to live anymore. I am so done with this crap. I thought I was going to be fine this New year and not have suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. I want to be dead more now than ever. Maybe I should take a swim in the Charles River. I can go after my appointment for the MRI. I am right there.

Meds are kicking in as well as the Nyquil for this cold. Still can’t breathe but maybe if I lie down, it will clear up…

Just in a Bitchy Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just in a Bitchy Mood

I woke up early in the morning, like 0230 early. I was not happy. I only slept a few hours at that point. Then I go back to sleep about an hour later after I took some more Nyquil and Neurontin. I woke up around 1045 and I was hungover, most likely because of the Neurontin. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had my therapy appointment and I couldn’t blow it off. I got a call from my psychiatrist’s office. She had to reschedule my appointment for Friday. I don’t know why she didn’t call or email me. Now I am worried. I hope she didn’t have a setback. My only other explanation is the red tape the hospital has on coming back to work after being out for a while.

Because my sleep has been all fucked up, my tolerance has been extremely low. I was at Starbucks and the damn sun, which was reflecting off the building across the street, annoyed the crap out of me. It was just too damn bright. I wish the sun came with a dimmer switch sometimes. Then there was a girl that was talking silly to a boy in front of her. It just annoyed me. I just wanted her to shut up so I could listen to my music on my headphones. I really need to get noise cancelling headphones. I had a pair but they broke. I know Bose makes a pair of headsets that are noise cancelling but they are wicked expensive for my budget.

I had therapy today and we talked about things. I found out that she loves me sincerely but it’s not the kind of love like in a sexual relationship, which relieved my anxiety. I still don’t know why she loves me as I think I am unlovable. I asked her if she thought I was special and she goes into a tirade about stuff and I am like does that mean yes or no? She finally answered yes and then went on to explain that she doesn’t know where these questions come from. She still blames it on the trauma that I have been through. She brought up again the reason I don’t accept good feelings or reject good intentions is because of the complex PTSD that I have. I asked her if I have borderline traits and she said that I didn’t. I didn’t think that I did because I don’t have emotional dysregulation that borderline traits or borderline personality disorder have. I used to, but not anymore.

We also talked about my father and how narcissistic he is. I asked about narcissistic injury and she just didn’t explain it well. She basically told me to google it. I wanted to google it before writing this blog but I am not in the mood to google. I might do a separate blog about it. I also told her that I was nervous about the SSD review. I haven’t heard anything for a month now. And she hasn’t gotten any paperwork from them. Makes me think that my case is in limbo.

We talked briefly about my suicide thoughts. I told her I wanted to get some really lethal means and she was shocked about this. It was because of my crapping my pants last night that I have had enough of dealing with this. I haven’t told her about the voices telling me to do things. I’m hoping they will go away on their own. I just have a week until my MRI and then my stress level should level off. I haven’t been feeling paranoid or delusional. Just having voices talk to me all the time telling me to do things. And they are not my “normal voices”. If they were, then I wouldn’t be so worried. I hate hearing foreign voices. I know it’s because I am stressed. I have a lot on my mind. Having a fucked up sleep schedule is not helping either. Most of it has to do with having this stupid cold that I have. I wake up congested and not being able to breathe. It’s getting better but I am not quite well yet.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks. I used my cane because my leg has been bothering me. I am glad I did because on the way home, my thigh really started to hurt me. I haven’t done anything but walk, not too far though. I got my prescription from the pharmacy on the way home. One of them was stuck in limbo because of some computer glitch. My mother called to see where I was and when I told her, she said she wanted the paper. When I came home she said supper is what ever I want to make. I knew I should have ordered pizza and fries. Now I’ll probably have just a bowl of cereal.

Random 167

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up early today around 0530. I didn’t stay up too long as I only got 5.5 hours of sleep. I had to use the bathroom and then I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I checked messages on my phone before finally passing out again. I couldn’t believe that I only slept 5.5 hours with all the medication that I took, including Nyquil.

My therapist is back and we talked. Mostly we got caught up in things. She got my letters that I sent her so she has something to read. I told her the 26th might be a day that I see her. She starred it on her calendar. She is too funny. I didn’t ask her a question that I wanted to. It slipped my mind as we were talking about so many things. I will try and ask her tomorrow.

My father called today and wanted me to come over the house to do his meds because he was going to spend a few days with his girlfriend. I get there and the plans have changed. He wasn’t going. I filled the boxes just the same. I hope that by doing so I don’t make Tuesday a regular day to go over there. Tues and Wed are my days to go to Starbucks and have “me” time. I don’t want to give that up. It will just mess up my routine.

Because of the detour of my father’s impatience, I again didn’t shower today. I was planning on doing it in the afternoon, after therapy, as I wasn’t planning on going out. I thought it would be too cold out as the temp was in the teens. I was fooled or maybe because I had a heavy winter jacket. There was no wind so that helped. I had coffee at home, which was good. I am glad I made it because it made reading my book easier. I really wanted to finish the book today but now I am tired and I don’t think I will be able to get back to it. My father always stresses me out when I go over there. I should have brought my cane but he would just laugh at me so I didn’t. I am regretting that decision as my thigh is burning. I can’t wait till I get the MRI next week.

I’m back to paying for my medications. I had a feeling with the start of the new year copays would come back. Only thing that sucks is that the generic medications went up to $20 for a 30-day supply. I am going to see if my doc can give me a 90 day supply as the cost is the same. My doc isn’t going to be happy with this because she hates the new system. I just refuse to pay extra money when I can get more. Why pay $60 for 90 days retail when I can pay $20 for mail order. I am going to drive my doc nuts.

I just had a bowel accident so was forced to shower. I feel like a dumdum because I trusted a fart. I was doing so well too with going to the bathroom even though what I thought to be a fart turned out to be crap. My streak of no accidents has ended. I just feel awful and want to crawl into a hole. I am just glad my mother isn’t home. She went downstairs to my sister’s. Great new year I am having. Just hate this bullshit.