Tag: CES

Mr. Hyde and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I have been thinking the past few days. Yes that has been the smoke that has been circulating in the air in Boston. Apparently on Tuesday in the throws of another pain episode I was barely aware of, I sent my therapist a text. It said that I cannot go on living like this, with this level of pain. I have no recollection of sending it. I knew I sent it because it is my phone but it sounded more of Mr. Hyde. I have been trying to wrap my head around Hyde. He likes to come around at various times and sometimes I can “catch him” and other time he alludes me. But I am cracking down on when he is likely to occur. When I am deeply hopeless, suicidal, and in severe physical pain. All three must be present for Hyde to emerge. The sucky part about this is my safety because Hyde want to die. I wasn’t in danger of dying, as far as I know, Tuesday but I could have. I just wanted to sleep, and fairly succeeded on doing that. I also have to be in a sleep state to bring Hyde out. He is more likely to show himself while I am overtired. Like I am now.

I just had zaps go through my foot. Just imagine the shock you get when you place your tongue on a 9 volt battery, minus the metallic taste and you have the zaps I get in my feet. Sometimes they are stronger than a 9 volt. And they jolt me awake, like tonight. I was ready to turn in but my PTSD symptoms (hypervigilance and anxiety) have taken over. It is going to take another Ativan to calm down. Hyde doesn’t like Ativan too much. It makes me really sleepy so I do sleep. It doesn’t cause me to do other weird stuff like Neurontin does. I know that I am not having another attack of CES and that things will be ok but in my head, I am “excited” and fearful of when the next zap is going to come. Usually if I stretch out my legs, it makes it worse. So I have to sit with my legs up so they don’t get zapped. And there is nothing I can take for it. The zaps come and go as they please. They don’t last long enough for me to take anything, but boy do they cause havoc!!

I am listening to Luke Bryan. He has some really good songs that I love listening to over and over again. He has that southern voice that I just love. It can be a fast song or a slow one and I just swoon over his voice. It’s not relaxing like Mary Chapin, but it will do.

I really need to go to bed soon. It’s after midnight and I need to be up at six. I need to take a shower and get ready to take my sister’s car. I will need a large coffee to help my mood. The good thing is that I don’t need to rush because I don’t have to pick up my father till 830. I then have to take him for a blood draw for his Coumadin test. He doesn’t know it yet but he will.

Well, I think the zaps have settled down some. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or tomorrow is going to suck…

beyond Exasperated

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Had an early morning today because my father had a doc appointment. It went ok, though my father had no clue what was going on and didn’t understand what the doc was saying. I had to explain it to him in smaller words.

While I was at the doc’s office, I had to use the bathroom. I found out, much to my dismay, that I sharted. Now I am in a very dark mood. I came home, washed up, and while making my way to my room, my ankle exploded. So in addition to losing my dignity, I am now in wicked bad physical pain. I took some pain medication and am calling it a day.

I wrote my therapist a letter that I had hoped to mail today but forget it now. I wrote her an excerpt of the blog I wrote last night. I felt she had the right to know what I wrote. I also added some things to it. I also texted her to try and have her call me. I really need to talk to her because I don’t think I can be ok till our next appointed time. I don’t know if she will call me or not. Some times she is able to and others she is not. I really am hoping someone cancels one of her appointments and I am able to get their time. A session would help me today. I could call my psych but I know she will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to go. Besides, I don’t have a car and with my ankle the way it is, I can’t walk there. I just feel stuck.

Since the shart episode, I feel like I can’t trust myself. I am afraid to do anything that will cause my bowels to move. I hate feeling like an asshole. I know it isn’t my fault but the hardest part of dealing with CES is losing the ability to trust your own body. It’s gone and there is nothing I can do to get it back. The sensitive nerves are damaged and there is no getting these nerves back. I can’t feel myself and haven’t for the past eight years now. It’s the little things like this that bother me the most. And what is worse, is that I have no control over it when it happens. There are no warning signs. Just soiled underwear and skid marks. Luckily today I was wearing a feminine product because of my menses so my underwear didn’t get soiled. And that is the other thing that is frustrating me. That I am having to use feminine products because of my menses. I am beyond exasperated. I should not have to wear them but what choice do I have? It’s either that or really soil my underwear. I am just so frustrated by this. And no one understands, except another CES sufferer.

Why am I dealing with this? I should just be dead. To me that is the answer that I am looking for. I am tired of constantly dealing with a body that isn’t working anymore. I am tired of dealing with depression that makes my soul dark, that sucks the energy out of me. And that also goes for my body excretions as well. You have no idea how tiring it is to have a bowel movement sometimes. I feel like I am in labor. I sometimes am so weak afterwards that I need to rest. All because I can no move my movements because of the nerve damage. I literally have to push and push to get it all out. It is a very tiring process. And if this grosses you out, well, I am sorry. Every time this happens I want to kill myself. I just don’t think I can go on living this way. It’s just too much for me to bear. I am past my breaking point, well past it! I am so far from the edge that I still haven’t realized I am on standing on nothing. Yet gravity hasn’t knocked me down yet to kill me. Or maybe I am just falling in slow motion. I refuse to grab on to anything that might save me. I just am not good enough to go living anymore.

how I manage being suicidal

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

It’s well past 2 in the morning. This may well be a Mr. Hyde blog as I am very tired but feel the need to write. Mr. Hyde likes to write things, very bad things and depressing things at this hour so this is a warning that this might be a suicidal blog.

I have been up the last few hours battling pain. My foot exploded around 11 pm (2300) and has now settled down some after putting on some gel and taking my pain meds. But then I got sick, I felt like I had to go throw up. So I laid down only it made it worse with reflux.

I wrote my psychiatrist a letter that I am hopelessly depressed and why bother with treatment of any kind as it is not helping me. I tried to get out of therapy with my therapist for today’s session and failed. I just don’t see the point. I am deeply depressed and if I could I would do something to end my life but I have no idea what I would do. Sure I have pills, but that might just make me sick and I hate to clean up vomit, if I survived. My luck, I probably will. I hate being in pain and can’t sleep. It drives me absolutely nuts.

A fellow blogger is battling her demons too. Her psych team wants to hospitalize her because she is suicidal. I suggested an alternative, the SSF to help deal with suicidal thoughts and to come up with a treatment plan. I told her to get the Managing suicidal risk book. It is a good book, if you are trying to manage suicidality. I don’t know what I did with my copy of the book. I know it is somewhere in my room or in my office. I can never find it when I need it. I have the SSF (suicide status forms) all over the place but not the actual book. And, no, because of copyright rules, I cannot post the forms as much as I would absolutely love to. There is one online, used, but helpful just to give you an idea of what they look like. I think I might ask my therapist to use it tomorrow. Or use Holden’s psychache scale. And again, as much as I would love to post it, I cannot because of copyright rules. I just am so hopeless. Everything is dark and gray, and I don’t mean the weather. I feel like I have no future, no purpose in life. Sure I published a book and that is a huge accomplishment. But why am I being “punished” with this depression?? What have I done that is so wrong? I hate my life.

My ex blocked me on Facebook today. I am actually glad because I was getting uncomfortable with the questions she was asking. She wanted to get back together. That is not going to happen. I guess me telling her I just wanted an online relationship pissed her off. Oh well. First time I have been blocked by someone. But this is kind of good because I don’t need her drama in my life. Yes, it bothers me but only because I thought this time we could just be friends and I have no idea what set her off and I will never know. Oh well.

Tonight was the first time all week that I took all my meds that I was supposed to take. I think that is why my stomach is bothering me. I usually have something to eat when I take them but tonight, I didn’t eat anything. I just am not hungry. And feeling sick to your stomach doesn’t make you want to eat anything. And oh joy, I think I may have a UTI. I have been leaking the past few days, more so than usual. Oh the joys of CES. That has me down too, because who likes to piss their pants? I am so tired of dealing with wet underwear. And having to take a shower every time I leak. It sucks because I hate showering. I had a good shower tonight. The water was nice and hot and it relaxed me. It was the first time in a while I felt that way. But I couldn’t stay too long because I knew my foot would act up and it did. Damn foot! Always ruins things. But I did a lot of stairs today and walking so it is my fault it flared up. I wish I could chop it off. Least with the ghost pain, it will be a real reason why it hurts. I don’t have a clear reason why my ankle/foot hurts. They think it is tendonitis. I think it is just nerve damage and over usage from fatigue. My foot gets tired and then it needs to rest but I don’t know it so I keep using it and then it flares up on me late at night. I then write blogs like this because I have nothing better to do and I can’t sleep anyways. I wish I was dead than deal with this pain every night. My heart is so heavy with heartache. I really don’t know why I keep going on. But tomorrow I will call my PCP and hopefully not talk to the stupid nurse about my UTI symptoms because other than leaking, I have no burning or pain. I don’t feel it because of nerve damage down there. I just have had bladder spasms. But those have subsided. But now my urine reeks so I know something is going on. Fucking CES always has to throw a wrench in the works. Can’t always be a simple case. I still will need to give a urine sample and I hope I will be able to. That is always the tricky part. I have to make sure I drink a lot before the appointment. Otherwise, I might not go when they give me the cup to pee. Oh the joys of retention! I no longer get the signal to my brain when I am full. Usually, I have to start leaking and then the signal goes to my brain that I am full. Fucking CES. Wrecks your life forever. And people don’t get it when you tell them. I was telling my cousin tonight the story about how I got CEs and the surgeries I went through. He still didn’t get it. But oh well. Not his life to live.

Chronic Pain is No Joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Chronic pain is no joke

It has been a while since my left foot has been acting up. The last two days have been really bad. I think it is because of the weather changes, temps going from 30 to 60 always wreck havoc on me.

Though I have had a rough day, my thoughts right now are focused on my foot and its throbbing. I seriously want it to stop but there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I already took my pain meds two hours ago and can’t take another dose for another two to four hours. I am in such agony that I want to cut my foot off. I don’t have any power tools in my room so that is a good thing. And I can’t bear weight on my foot so I can’t get to the basement where there are the tools that I need. I hate being in so much pain.

I didn’t do much today, in the way of walking or standing. I did stand a lot yesterday, which is probably why my foot is killing me. There were a bunch of kids at the bus stop yesterday and I couldn’t sit down like I normally could. And it wasn’t like the kids were going to let me sit down. They were running and jumping all over the place. One little kid was actually looking at me like I had ten heads when I decided to move to another spot while waiting for the bus. It was like I wasn’t supposed to move. Now I am paying the price in increased nerve pain and physical pain. Plus my foot is swollen so that is NOT helping my case at all.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep because of the pain. My foot needs to settle down to at least a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Right now it’s a 9. I am glad I already took my night time meds because to get up again will be torture. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom any time soon. Going down the stairs will kill me.

Why does my foot hurt? Because it is an asshole. But seriously, no one knows why. I have nerve damage in my foot and a little of what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I got the nerve damage from a ruptured disc thirteen years ago. Then I got another ruptured disc five years later but at a different level. I have had many problems with my left leg, mostly stemming from my back. I have herniated discs throughout my lumbar spine. I just hope that me lifting and carrying three cases of sprite didn’t hurt me in anyway. I will find out tomorrow. I know my arms are going to be sore.

THROB THROB THROB. That is all my foot does to aggravate me and put me in a bad mood. And there is nothing I can take for the throbbing. I just have to wait for it to settle on its own. Sometimes, if I feel like it, an NSAID gel will calm it down. But right now, I can’t touch my foot. Just the sheets on my bed are bothering it. It is that sensitive. I also love how all the veins in my foot are popping out like no tomorrow. Another sign that it is CRPS. And my foot is so hot, like it is on fire. I wish I had a fire extinguisher for it but none exists. That is what kills me all the time, the burning sensation in my foot. So I have the throbbing, burning, stabbing, bone-crushing pain going on. I really want to lob off my foot. I could cry but I am not a crying guy.