Tag: chronic illness

another day of pain and sleepiness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of pain and sleepiness

I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I woke up and felt terrible. I didn’t want to do anything so I sent an email. I never heard back from her. I just sent another email as the therapist that I called on Monday called me back a little while ago. He can’t see me as he doesn’t have time in his schedule. He said he would call around and get back to me. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out.

I am feeling really tired and want to sleep. I might take my meds early again tonight. I just don’t feel like staying up. I wanted to shower but never did. I was going to order food but my mother made fish and I ate that instead. It’s the only thing that I have eaten all day. My appetite has been low. I haven’t felt much like eating the past few days.

In the email that I sent my psych, I asked her when I will be able to see her next as I don’t have an appointment right now. I hope she writes me back soon.

flipping tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Flipping tired

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 5 and decided to make pancakes. They came out really good. I then fell back to sleep. When I woke up, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it caused intense pain. I had to take a strong pain pill, which made me dopey. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours and then I was up. I wasn’t feeling good but I wanted to venture out. I caught the next bus to the Square to have my espresso.

As I was full of pancakes, I just had a snack at Starbucks with my espresso. I wrote in my journal and then I started to get dizzy. I couldn’t remember if I had taken my regular pain meds and I took them at Starbucks as I think I was going through withdrawal. Within a half hour I was feeling better but really tired. I got my coffee for home and then went to CVS to get some overpriced cereal. I then waited for the bus and came home.

It took me a little while to settle down but I finally was able to nap before dinner. My mother wanted me to make spinach but I never did. I rested and did sleep a little before my mother called me to say dinner was ready. I’m still feeling tired and feel like I can nap again but it’s getting late and if I do, I might not sleep tonight, which would be bad. Last night I took my meds early so I could sleep and tonight I think I am going to do the same. I have found that if I take my meds early, I am usually asleep before midnight.

The therapist that I called yesterday has not called me back. I don’t think he is going to. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow morning, I will move to the next name on my list. I mostly picked males from the website for therapists because I want to try something different. Most of the therapist that I have seen have been female. I only had one male. We’ll see how this goes. I might have to see a female, if I can’t find a male. Right now I am just getting frustrated because no one is calling me back.

Ankle is really hurting so I might have to take the strong pain pill again, which means my sleep will be fucked up again. I don’t know why it messes with my sleep. Pain meds usually make you sleepy so I don’t understand why this med causes you to have sleep interruptions. It is so frustrating. I seriously just want to die rather than deal with this bullshit. I am so sick of being in pain every single day, at all hours, whenever it feels like flaring up. I can be active or non active and I will still hurt. It makes no sense whatsoever. And the type of pain I feel varies. It’s never the same in the different parts of my ankle, foot, and toes. I was trying to describe it to my psychiatrist as she was interested and I had to tell her it was sometimes physical pain, sometimes nerve pain, sometimes I just hurt and can’t describe it beyond that. Depending on the type of pain determines what kind of medication I take to relieve it. Unfortunately, it takes time for the medication to work, which further frustrates me because I want relief now. That is why sometimes I become so suicidal in those moments because I have to wait for the pills to work and I just don’t want to wait.

disappointing but good day overall

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disappointing but good day overall

I had my appointment with my PCP this morning. It did not go well. He is reluctant to change my meds to longer acting ones and basically told me to keep doing what I am doing. I emailed my psychiatrist soon after the appointment to let her know what went on. She is going to try and talk to him.

That put me into a funk for most of the day until I had coffee with my cousin. It was good talking to her. I am older than she is but it didn’t matter. We talked about anything and everything. She is really amazed that I have two books out and got published in the New York Times. She is going to read my new book as her mother gave it to her. I hope we can have more coffee times. She is starting a new job tomorrow and I am happy for her.

I am so “high” off coffee right now. I had four shots of espresso, which makes eight total for the day as I had four in the morning before I saw my PCP. I just feel really wired but tired as I have been up so early. I tried to take a nap before I went out to see my cousin but it didn’t work out. I just rested for about 45 minutes.

I am sure my ankle is going to flare up later tonight. It’s quiet now, which is not always a good sign. I still haven’t emailed my psychiatrist about how I am doing. Not being able to get pain relief was a real downer for me. I understand why and it wasn’t like I wanted him to increase what I was on. I just wanted a longer acting medication so my nights weren’t so damn horrible. I see him in three months. It just fucking sucks that I have to keep doing things that aren’t working as well as it should be. I am so sick of the same old same old. But more than that, I am sick of being in pain, which I don’t think my doc got. I told him that it was affecting my mood but it really didn’t register for him and he just asked if I was seeing my psychiatrist. Like that was supposed to make my mood better. I am just so frustrated. The ability of passing the buck is really something. Oh, and he wanted me to see a new doc in the same specialty as the other new doc I saw. I turned him down because I am tired of seeing new docs and not getting any answers, leaving with the same concerns, same meds, and no real change. He also wants me to learn to live with this pain. Yea, okay. I am so tired of the run around.

I hope my psychiatrist is able to talk some sense to my PCP. Or my pain is really going to be the death of me.

got a lot done today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got a lot done today

I woke up in the early morning hours. My foot started hurting soon as I was awake so I took some pain meds. I didn’t feel drowsy right away so I did some shopping online. I bought my groceries and a new pair of glasses as my current prescription is getting hard to see. I hope I didn’t over spend as I took a withdrawal from the ATM to get my haircut.

I went back to sleep and wanted to make pancakes when I got up but the bus was coming and I didn’t want to wait an hour for the next bus. I got dressed quickly, thinking it was 30 or so degrees. It was 55 degrees and I was sweating by the time I got to the bus stop. I usually check the temp before leaving the house but today I didn’t. I took off my jacket and stuffed it in my bag. I had breakfast at Starbucks with my coffee. I then went to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. I am glad they had both meds available. Saved me a trip.

I went back to the square to get my haircut. There was like an hour wait but I didn’t mind. I really like this barber. I always get a good cut. We chatted while he cut and we always enjoy each other’s company. It’s a good relationship. I then waited for the bus to go to the pharmacy to get my meds filled. There wasn’t a wait so they filled it fast. I was grateful because my ankle had started to flare up on me and it was more than 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds so I was starting to feel the effects of no meds. I didn’t think I would be out that long. I came home and drank some water and took my meds. I then waited to stop feeling dizzy before I made some oatmeal for supper.

I risked taking a shower and just about when I was done rinsing off, my foot cramped up on me. I still had to dry myself off. I was hurting really bad. It fucking sucked. But I had to wash my hair to get the excess hair off or I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I quickly dried off as fast as I could. I then got the oatmeal and ate it while putting my foot up. That helped ease the pain a little bit. Until the pain got worse, I was in a good mood. Now I feel lousy. I am trying not to let it ruin the day because I did a lot in a short period of time. And the weather was good, even though I didn’t dress correctly. I hate that but it happens. Tomorrow it’s going to be 61 degrees out. I will try and go to the Post Office early in the morning and then maybe get to Starbucks if I time the bus schedule right. My grocery delivery isn’t until the afternoon so as long as I am home by then, I should be good.

I had to order more oatmeal as I only have one package left. I wanted to get cocoa puffs but they never really fill me up and then I am hungry an hour later. I think I am going to order meatballs, too. I can make a marinara sauce on Sunday and have spaghetti with meatballs. That will be good. I haven’t made a plain marinara sauce in a long time. I love making sauce. It’s one of my favorite foods.

My mother has an infection on her foot. Her foot is very swollen and one area she squeezed and pus came out. She is on antibiotics. I asked if she needed anything before I went upstairs because my foot was hurting and she gave me an attitude. I told her it was a nerve injury and that what I am doing is all that can be done. She didn’t want to hear it. I don’t know why I bothered. What killed me was that she compared me to her crazy assed sister that I can’t stand. That really pissed me off as I took it as an insult. I am nothing like her sister. Just aggravates me and I went upstairs. My mother can be so mean sometimes.