Tag: chronic pain

A Tired Ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

A tired ramble

I should be sleeping but I am fighting sleep right now. All the bad thoughts are coming out. I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit. I need a haircut badly as my head itches. I don’t think cutting my hair is going to solve the problem (it’s dry scalp) but least I will feel human again.

Snow has hit the city where I live pretty hard. We have a travel ban in effect and the governor has stopped public transportation from running. Essentially, I am trapped in my house. I hope that it is all cleaned up by Thursday so I can have lunch with my high school friend. I know we are going to talk about my book. He is taking me to a Thai restaurant in the Back Bay. It must be a new place as it wasn’t there when I went to school. Or maybe it was and I just never went there because I didn’t like Thai back then.

My pain levels are excruciating, too. Which is why I cannot just shut the light off and go to sleep. Pain that was in my leg but now is in my foot. It is dancing around, all over the place, with the same intensity like a hot poker stick. I just took some pain meds so I hope that calms it down. I also took some Ativan to calm the fuck down. I don’t know why I am so damn anxious but I am. I know part of it is because I haven’t talked to my therapist in a week. She had to cancel today’s session because, well, like I said, everything was shut down. I don’t know how she is going to get into her office but whatever. She canceled for tomorrow’s session because school is closed but is going to try and have some evening time. I guess it all depends on if she can get child care for her daughter.

I emailed my pdoc again because I need refills for my meds. I got no answer from the one I sent the other day. I am getting frustrated with her!! This is sucks that she is out of the office and I can’t see her and then when I email her, I get no response. What the fuck kind of patient care is that?? I am so bullshit!!

Then tonight I decide to read Uncle Tom’s cabin and this little girl I fell in with dies. I have been in tears for the past hour. It was so sad that she died. I think she had some kind of heart condition. But then, the author didn’t elaborate on the illness nor was the medicine back in the early 1800s very good at diagnosing difficult ailments. Her father is heartbroken and her mother, who was a basket case to begin with, is playing the part of grieving mother. I just want to slap the mother silly as she just wants sympathy from all her servants and no one else can show sympathy. Beecher-Stowe really is a good writer, better than I could ever be.

I have been up since 0430. It’s now almost 0100. I am dog tired. I should be passed out by now. I spent some time reading today. I read a hundred pages in my civil war book and then I read a “dictionary” called the definition of suicide by Shneidman. Holy hell this man uses big words. I am glad I know the language so I can follow along (I have read his stuff before so I know his terminology), but some of it I am like really?? The word is archaic now and he is using it?? He was a funny person. I wish I got to know him better before he died.

Today is my best friend’s birthday. I wish I was in Chicago to celebrate with him.

I haven’t heard from my problem blogger in a few weeks. I hope that means she is gone. And if she comments to say she is around, I will just delete it. I don’t need her negativity in my life. I hate when people try to push their beliefs on to you and think their way of thinking is right and the ONLY way to get “better”. I don’t need that in my life. Never have and never will.

My Twitter followers is strange. The numbers will go up and then the numbers will go down. I had 343 followers. Now I have 349. I think I will have 345 by the time I look back on it tomorrow. I think it is probably bots that follow, not real people. If they are real people, and I don’t follow back (I won’t follow unless I know them or they meet my criteria for following them, which is basically working in the mental health community, a baseball lover, or something else that attracts me). If they are just authors looking for endorsements or life coaches looking to save my soul, I won’t follow back and if they become problems, I block them. Like there is this one guy that is “cured” of fibromyalgia. I don’t know how anyone can be cured of that ailment as they only just recently been able to treat the condition and give it a name! But whatever works for him, might not work for everyone. HA, speaking of Twitter, I just got a book app that is now following me! I had a book promotion thing following me for a while. But it costs like 9 bucks for just 3 days of pushing my book. I wasn’t going to waste my money on something that might not work. If I get extra money, I might do it to see if it pans out but my writing partner says it is extremely hard to promote a book and sell it. I am lucky that I sold 5 books this month. Next month I probably won’t sell any.

Meds are finally kicking in. Here is hoping I don’t wake up again around 0430.

Away from the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Away from the sun

This is one of my favorite songs that perfectly describes what I feel when I am in the black cloud of depression. The song is by 3 doors down.

I have been feeling down all day because I have been in pain since 0400. I some how managed to sleep for about an hour or so but I have been pretty much been up since around 0800. I have been occupying my time by playing my game and reading stuff on the web. I found an interesting article that Lenaars wrote about Shneidman. My previous blog today had to do with Zero suicide, which is next to impossible to accomplish in reality. I equated what I wrote about Shneidman to my thoughts about having no suicides.

Because I have been in pain all day, I have been taking pain meds around the clock. I have been really sleepy, at times, for most of the day. I also got a migraine early this morning and it seems the world was against me as my mother’s phone kept ringing and someone was using a chainsaw outside. It was either a chainsaw or they were flying a small plane. It was so fricken loud. I really thought my head was going to explode. I took my meds and then I got really tired when my head calmed down. I thought I would have to go to the ER as the left side of my face was starting to get numb. Luckily, when the meds started working, my face went back to normal. It has been a really long time since I got a bad migraine like today. I am just glad my vision wasn’t affected.

So between my foot/ankle hurting like a SOB and my head wanting to explode, I have been in a bad mood. Thoughts of suicide has been floating in and out. Mostly, I have been wanting to do something to my ankle to make it stop hurting. Pain has been between a 7&9 on a scale of 1-10. I have been trying to keep off it but I can’t stay in my room all day. I needed to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. I made coffee to try and keep me awake but lately, coffee has had the opposite affect on me. It’s like taking a sedative. After my migraine attack, I got anxious. Like almost full blown panic attack. My chest hurt and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. So I took an Ativan to calm down. I still am fighting serious sleep. But I will be going to bed early tonight. I counted out my pills tonight so I don’t have to play a guessing game on what pill to take and what not to take. Last night, I just took my hormone pill, my mood stabilizer, and baclofen. I couldn’t bare to take anything else. I was hurting and I couldn’t stand too long to take the 10 or so pills I needed to take. When I was counting my pills, I added vitamin D and Omega 3. I usually take them every other week. I take D because I am deficient, like most of the US. I also believe it helps ward off the cold and other viruses that you can get.

I hope I can make it till 2000. I am so tired and right now I have about an hour to go till I can get to bed. I just hope I don’t wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I fucking hate when I sleep for a few hours and the I am up. I would try and stay up late but I don’t think that is going to happen. I have been taking too many meds to try and stay up longer than 2000.

Because my ankle has been a fuck all day, I didn’t do my PT exercises. There was no way I could do them as just moving it to go up and down the stairs caused me great pain. I hope it will be okay for tomorrow because I really want to get a latte. I also hope that my appt with my therapist goes well. I am kind of nervous because I have told her how suicidal I have been feeling. I let my pdoc know via email, but I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to have to email her soon because I need a refill on my meds, again.

Email Problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Email problems

So apparently I am no longer getting notifications of my MSN account to my phone and Google Chrome doesn’t notify me either of new messages. I sometimes get a message when I sign in my laptop, but that doesn’t happen all the time. My psych emailed me back and I think she was pissed that I was frustrated with her. Now I am miffed. Prior to me sending her my last email, I sent her 2 and had no response. So yes, I am frustrated with her and feel like she isn’t answering my emails. I told her I miss her and something to the effect like email contact just sucks. It has been almost three months since I last saw her. We used to have biweekly contact so not hearing from her kind of stinks. (For those that are new reading my blog, she broke her hip before Halloween.)

I haven’t done anything today except play my annoying game, which just sent out a new timed mission. I haven’t clicked on it to see what it is about. I might forgo it.

I just got a migraine from hell. I think I used too much pepper in my eggs that I had for lunch. My head is killing me. I really want to nap but I already slept till 2 today, after being up at 545 am. I fear that if I sleep, I will wake up around 2100 and then I won’t sleep till who knows what hour. Maybe I should have some coffee. I haven’t had any caffeine today so maybe that is why I got the migraine from hell.

Once the migraine goes away, I think I will type up my notes for the blog post that I am working on. Funny, I had a dream that there was a CAMS chat on Twitter in a few days time and I was like I have to do this blog before then, in like two days time. I was with a high school friend and she got annoyed that I was ignoring her when I got the tweet about the chat. We were in my house that I grew up in. I don’t know why I keep dreaming about this house. Seems like every dream lately has this house in it. I am either in the kitchen or living room in these dreams. So strange. Got to ask my therapist what it means when I talk with her tomorrow. I hope we have time for everything I need to talk with her about. We also have a session on Wednesday in case we do run out of time. Seems like every time she goes away, things build. I try writing her letters and mailing them when she is back in the office. It really stinks not seeing her, too. But I got to see her on my birthday so that was good. For those new reading my blog, my therapist is 30 miles away from me and I don’t have a car. She used to have an office in the town next to mine, which is where we first started seeing each other. But then she had a child and it was difficult commuting back and forth, especially during the harsh winters we have been having. She doesn’t have email so I snail mail her letters. I just got her to start texting me back, so that is some progress, technologically at least. I know she has an iPhone but doesn’t know how to use it. I think it is a 3 and as long as it works, she is not going to upgrade. I really wish she would someday get email but she barely has time to read my blog post some days.

Fuck it, I think I am going to take a nap.

Ohio State Wins Sugar Bowl!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Ohio State Wins Sugar Bowl!!

I didn’t write yesterday because I was so sleepy. I was only to up enough to watch part of the 3rd and 4th quarter of the OSU game. I saw the INT Bama threw that lead to a touchdown. I knew they were going to win then. This team is unbelievable. They beat the #1 seed in college football. I love them! I will be getting an OSU hat next month when my check comes in. I need it.

I don’t know if I will be going out today. I woke up with pain, not horrendous but enough to wake me up. And now my stomach is playing rolly polly. I feel so sick. I hardly ate anything yesterday, just a ham sandwich. Then I ate around midnight when I was watching the game. I had a bowl of cereal and then a bagel. I also had some chocolate. I think the chocolate is what is upsetting my stomach. I had some the other morning and for some reason, I got really sick after I ate it. It’s German chocolate, from Germany, that my friend gave me for Christmas when I saw her the other night. Chocolate has never caused me to feel sick, ever! I hope I am not getting a stomach bug. That would be terrible.

Four days till I talk to my therapist. I can’t wait. We have much to discuss and catch up on. I feel like it has been ages since we last talked but it has only been a week. I have been writing her letters which I hope to send out today. I just hope my stomach settles down. I also want to work on the blog thingy about the SSF and CAMS. I wrote to my therapist about the difficulties I have been having with this blog. I think I am putting too much pressure on myself because I want it to be liked by the mental health professionals that follow me on Twitter. I value their opinion very seriously. I think that is why I have been having a hard time writing. It’s because I don’t know what they are going to think that is bothering me. But I haven’t written anything so what is there to judge!? I think I am just stressing myself out for no reason. Once I have the paper written, then I can freak out. I just wish I could have the first sentence written so I can start the damn thing.

I need to take a shower today. I don’t know when it will be but I do need one. I can’t remember the last time I showered, which is a good reason to take one! I brushed my teeth yesterday. I changed my toothbrushes but even though they say “soft”, they feel hard. I might have to buy new ones.

It’s cold out, like 33 degrees but it feels like 28. I hate the cold, only because it can cause cramps in my back. I will be waiting for the bus for at least twenty minutes. That is a long time in the cold. I guess I will wear my Georgetown hoodie with my jacket. If I knew where I put my OSU hoodie, I would wear that, especially since they won last night. I don’t remember when I last wore it so it could be anywhere, in my office or in my room. Those are the only two places it could be. I haven’t seen it in my room so most likely it is in a pile of clothes in my office. One of these days, I will organize my clothes and hang them up and put it in the closet.

Today is a regular business day so the buses should be running on weekday schedule. I really don’t feel like having a latte though. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea before I leave the house. It is still early to be going to Starbucks. I have been up for two hours, playing my game and writing this blog.

I think I am depressed because I slept all day yesterday. I was just so damn sleepy. But then, I really didn’t sleep well the night before. I kept having to go to the bathroom every couple of hours, either to do #1 or #2. I didn’t even take anything so I don’t know why I was going at the wee hours of the morning. But when you got to go, you got to go!

I am so happy OSU won. I think there is one more championship game next week they will play. I don’t know if it is a bowl game or not. But I will find out soon enough.