Tag: chronic pain

Ramblings 41

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I have not been feeling well the past few days. I have been in pain that has been unbearable and it has been unbearably hot. I still don’t have my A/C in as the temps are supposed to drop over the next few days. I cannot wait till it does because I hate to sweat.

I sent my chapter on my psychiatrist yesterday and got a response today. She loved it. I feel humbled by that as I thought there would be something she would want to change or take out and she just liked it as is. This is the book that I am writing. I wanted to show her what I was writing in case I had some things wrong or something and she liked it. She has been a major support of mine. I can’t tell you how much she has supported my writing. I remember when I my poster got accepted for my first poster session for the American Association of Suicidology. She wanted to be there but was there in spirit. She liked my writing then and really likes my blogs. I think I have learned a lot from her more than she realizes. But then we are going on twenty years of knowing one another.

I still don’t understand why my foot is bothering me today. I didn’t do anything except watch tv. I had my foot up most of the time. I just don’t get it.

Today was to start the pill but I am still bleeding so I am debating on it. I might hold off another week. I kind of am afraid of using the patch because I am afraid with the heat I will sweat it off and then what am I going to do? I know this sounds brilliant just having to use a patch for week than take a pill every day but with the heat wave on, I am a little cautious. I just hope I don’t have an allergic reaction with it or something. That the other thing that I am worried about. I got sensitive skin. I just don’t want the adhesive to hurt me. I hope that it also comes off easily.

Don’t know if I mentioned this, but my therapist pissed me off about psychache scales and such. I tried taking one yesterday but I am in so much physical pain, it was next to impossible to sort out my emotional pain from my physical. I couldn’t believe I was caught in the conundrum. I thought it would be an easy assessment as I was not feeling any psychache but the questions were specific and I just couldn’t separate how I was feeling physically with how I was doing emotionally. I found it very frustrating. I had to leave it half undone. So then this got me thinking that maybe I should read Managing Suicide Risk to get some insight into how to separate my thoughts from how my physically I am feeling but I couldn’t get into it. It’s not like it was technical or anything, I just didn’t have the brain power with this heat. Even now all I want to do is sleep. My Sox game is being delayed due to the weather.

I haven’t been eating much the past few days. I have had no appetite since this heat wave started. I haven’t lost any weight though, which is weird. I guess I am eating enough for my daily requirements. Today all I had was a bowl of mac and cheese and an ice cream sandwich. I didn’t feel like eating anything else. I have been drinking a lot of fluids though. I had at least 3 big glasses of lemonade/ice tea. I figure I have to keep hydrated even if it means going to the bathroom more.

Hot and muggy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Hot and muggy

It’s a very warm day in Boston today. I am sweating and not liking this heat very much. I have not done anything except edit my book and talk to my therapist. She wants me to do a SSF, suicide status form as “the situation calls for it.” I could care less at this point. I am just so pissed off. I didn’t want to talk to her today. I should have canceled but I know she would have called me anyways.

Since finding out my date, she has been acting like a total psycho. I guess the date has some significance for her and it’s not like I knew that. I didn’t. I know her birthday is in Aug but it is NOT the day I picked to end my life. So I don’t know what her problem is. People die every day. We have put the date off for now but I don’t think I can. I want to end my life because I am tired of being in pain all the time. I can’t stand living like this anymore. I feel like a useless piece of shit. I told her I wrote to my psychiatrist a letter that I will probably send the day of the deed. I just can’t send it to her now because she probably will hospitalize me against my will again. I don’t want to be in the hospital and it will do no good being in the hospital because they just want to change your meds and if they can’t do that than within three days you are released. What are you going to accomplish in three days? NOTHING.

Why am I against the SSF? I don’t know, maybe because I am the one that introduced it to her and I feel like it is a slap in the face. I don’t think this will work because she never follows through with the whole thing anyways. We never resolve my suicidality. Soon as I don’t feel like doing one, it gets dropped and the whole thing fails. I guess I feel like why should I fill out a piece of paper that is going to tell me how I already feel? It’s not like I don’t hate myself, have psychache, am stressed to the maxed, am hopeless beyond belief, and am going to kill myself in a few months. I have no reason for living, and plenty of reasons for dying. Having my menses still is one of them.

I have had my menses for more than a month now. I am tired of it and my skin is irritated by the feminine products I have to wear and by my underwear. I am not used to wearing elastic fitting underwear that women wear. I rather wear boxer shorts but you can’t hold a feminine product in them. It makes me so uncomfortable and angry. More angry than I know what to do with and I have no one to take it out on. It’s not anybody’s fault really. I have the xx chromosome and not the xy so I guess I can blame my father as he is the one responsible for the Y chromosome! Another reason to hate him!

I know a shower might do me some good, washing off the stink of things and maybe cool me down some from this heat but I just can’t be bothered right now. I will later today. I have to as I really reek. I can no longer use deodorants because I have a rash under my armpit. It is going to be an interesting summer. I also have not shaved in a while because I have an open scratch where the rash is. I can’t help it. It is itchy!! So far the only thing helping is hydrocortisone cream. I hope it goes away soon.

Another thing about the SSF, it is not that I don’t like it. I actually praise it because it is a good tool to use. But the draw back like I said before is that I don’t think it can help me because I know how to “cheat” on it, per se. I know what the answers should be and that does not help me in the long run.

Another thing she asked me today was what was my psychache. I have not filled out a Holden psychache scale in so long. I don’t know what it would be. And again, it doesn’t matter. All it will prove is that I have psychological pain. I just feel very hopeless about this. I can’t help it. I am trying to get her to see that she will be losing me and to get away from me as far as she can and she just won’t do it. I just don’t care.

410

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

410

410. what does this number mean? It could be a time, a place setting, or just a number. To me, that number was my tech code during the fourteen years I worked at a major medical center. I held that number and it was the lowest among my peers because I was the one with seniority.

Recently, this number came up as the number of comments my blog had. It was held at that number until today. With this number I thought over the years the funny times, the serious times, and the not so great times. I remember during my first year there was a kid that had a transplant and didn’t make it. We had worked on this kid for days trying to pull him through. It was the most critical case so s/he had priority over other samples. When it was found out we lost him during the night, I felt so bad. It was the first time that I lost a patient, and it was a child no more than three years old. It was tough. I could only imagine what the parents were going through. I had a toddler nephew at home and thank god he was healthy even though he could be a handful at times. I couldn’t imagine losing him to some disease.

I also have seen some good times where co-workers got married, had kids, and also seen co-workers pass away. They say that things happen in threes. In one year, we lost three co-workers, two of whom I worked closely with. It was a very tough year. To Tessie and Donnie, I still think of you.

Toward the end of my work days, my number was seen as the most proficient in the lab. I typed the most because I had the most experience. I knew my job inside and out. I knew how to help those that needed it and guided the newer employees through the work day. I miss that. But in the end, I truly was just a number and my loyalty meant nothing. My seniority meant nothing. I was treated like an old mule and basically shot dead and told to move on due to my medical restrictions. I couldn’t just sit and type. I had to be mobile and because I couldn’t be, my job left me and I was out.

It still hurts that I was not held on to. But without them I would not have this blog. I wouldn’t be publishing my stories and papers. I guess with that I gained another opportunity that I would not have had.

this is a bitch blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, medical

This is a bitch blog. I have been up since nine this morning in pain. And here it is ten in the evening and I am still in the same amount of pain I was this morning. I have not had a day like today in a very long time. I find it distressing though. The pain is a 7 out of 10. I can stand it but it is annoying the crap out of me. It is a constant throb that just bugs the crap out of you.

I have tried taking my pain meds and it brings it down to a three so I do get some relief but I shouldn’t be having this much pain for doing nothing. Granted I was on my feet the whole while my mother was being attended to by the paramedics. I couldn’t bring myself to sit nor did I think to sit. So I know I am going to pay the price sometime tomorrow, if this pain settles down.

I am so tired of being in pain every day. It sucks. I can’t stand when my foot gets cold all of a sudden and I have to go around the house with one sock on because I have to warm it up. Then when it gets warmed up, it REALLY gets warmed up. My foot then is on fire that I can’t extinguish.

I really hated that I had to miss a therapy session today because of my mother. I really wanted a check in later, just to vent a little of the scariness but my therapist wasn’t available. I talk to her tomorrow so it is not a huge deal. I just hope that she allows me a free pass because it was a medical emergency. I couldn’t just sneak away while my house was full of emergency personnel. One of the policemen that came to my house was a former co-worker of mine from Somerville Lumber. It was good seeing him, though I wish it was under different circumstances.

I still can’t believe my mother had a hypoglycemic attack right under my nose. I should have known that her falling was trouble. I just hope that she isn’t too sore tomorrow. I know her arms are going to be sore because she was trying to pull herself up pretty hard but no luck. Her legs hurt more than mine do. But I couldn’t pull her up because I have a bad back and weakness in my legs. I had no choice but to call for help.

I think today was the first day that suicide wasn’t on my mind. But I have been writing about it so I guess it has been. I just feel like now I can’t go through with my plans because someone has to be with my mother all the time. If I wasn’t home or here, my mother would probably have died by the time my sister came home from work because no one would be able to call her and reach her. I just don’t know anymore. I hate being the responsible one all the time.

I am getting sleepy from my meds but pain is still keeping me up. My foot is just throbbing so bad. It feels like someone is trying to take a bite out of my foot with a vise. I hate this feeling. It is awful. I wish that the cream my doctor prescribed for this type of pain actually worked but it does not. It causes more burning sensation on my foot than the nerve pain ever caused. I have stopped using it for this reason. It is such a waste of money.