Tag: chronic pain

why should I live again?

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Bus saga continues

Today I get on the bus and of course it’s the same lady with the 3 wheeled stoller that was talking shit about disability. This time she was the rude was one as she was blocking the damn isle with the fucking stroller. People couldn’t get by without doing cartwheels. How fucking rude. Then a man who is slightly mentally disabled comes on and spills his coffee on the passenger next to him who was helping him trying to open it. I see this guy on the same bus. I am just going to wait for the next bus. I can’t stand this idiot. He is rude and belligerent. Always calls the bus driver an asshole. But he is never the problem. Everyone else is.

Talked with my therapist today. She got my letters and my CAMS paper. She gets it so I guess I have not lost my knack of telling things in simple terms. But I still feel like I have. We also talked about my upcoming plan to kill myself. She was trying to get me to see that I have something to live for but I told her, I just don’t care anymore. If I don’t try this time I will feel like the biggest loser in world. I have to do this. I am determined to do this. Nothing can really change my mind. She wants me to see her. She feels that maybe if we have a session face to face it will bring some connection back. Now I got to plan this out as I just can’t take my sister’s car whenever I want it. I mean I could if she is working and not using it but sometimes she takes her husband’s new truck and I just don’t feel comfortable driving it. I have yet to drive this vehicle. I don’t know why. I want to drive an F150 and if I can’t drive a Jeep, why bother with the F150 truck?

I feel that I am getting in the blinders and constriction of my suicidal thinking mode. It’s starting to become everything I thinking of. But I can’t kill myself now. I have to wait. I don’t know what I am truly waiting for but I know that I just can’t do it now. I don’t have true will power to do it. But it is starting to be on my mind more frequently than I like. I often wonder what the questions would be if I called the suicide hotline. I know they would assess my risk and then tell me to call back later if I felt I was in greater danger. I can’t stand that.

I just read some thing by my twitter friend @unsuicide. She just posted something about hopekits and such. I have been thinking about making one but I think why bother. It might help in the interim but I don’t think it will help in the long term. My suicidality is just too great.

I have been thinking about writing the paper about April and suicide risk but I would have to dig into the statistics and such. I actually forgot what the numbers were. I knew them at one point. My brain has just turned to mush. All it can think about is other stuff about suicide prevention but yet I can’t take it. I feel like such a hypocrite. Here I am saying what to do when someone is suicidal yet here I am suicidal and I don’t do any of that stuff. It’s not that I don’t do it because it is bullshit. I just don’t think it applies to me. I have been there many times. I have had too many hospitalizations that were worthless and made me more frustrated than before I entered. The whole system is backwards. I can’t stand it. And because I don’t have a degree I can’t change it or try to. And it’s my fault I don’t have a degree. I can’t blame anyone else. If I was smarter and less prone to mental breakdowns I would have had my degree by now, or at least closer to it. But no. I get the fuck its and my life is now over. There is no stopping me unless I win the lottery or something major shifts in my life, like they find a cure for CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I just tell my doc that the vicoden works for me but in reality it doesn’t really do much anymore. It takes some of the pain away but it comes back when it wears off. I had evidence of that last night. I took two vicoden with my night time meds and then got my second wind around midnight. By then, the pain meds wore off and I needed to take some more around two in the morning because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I can tolerate pain but when it becomes more than a 7 on a scale of 1-10, I have to take something before it gets out of control. Right now I am ok. But it’s day time. Pain won’t start until around 7 O’clock pm. And it is like this EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. So why should I live again?

exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

I took the day off writing yesterday because I just felt really tired. I slept most of the day. I would have slept today but today was mother’s day and I couldn’t. I feel like I could just drop.

Pain in my foot started early yesterday morning and still continued. I have had no relief, except when I am sleeping. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I plan on sleeping tomorrow.

I don’t know why I am so exhausted. I tried making a cake today and it floundered. I was kind of upset by it. It was still good just didn’t come out the way that I was hoping it to.

not all disabilities are visible

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

I was coming home from Davis, riding on the bus and these two women were saying how young people (aka me) doesn’t have respect for disability or older people anymore. UM, hello. I was sitting in the disabled seat because I AM disable you fucking idiots. Just because you might not see it doesn’t mean I don’t have it. It got me really upset and if I had my cane I would have bopped them off the head. It kills me when I can’t give up my seat on the bus like I used to because it hurts me to stand and plus, the current bus driver was speeding and stopping short at every stop. I would have hurt myself if I had to stand. So excuse me if I chose to sit.

I already was in a bad mood. I only got six hours of sleep and had to get out to get my coffee because Isla Flores was calling my name. I just had to get out of the house today, even though it ended up down pouring rain at times. I had to get out anyways because I had to pick up my prescription.

I wrote another nasty letter to my therapist in the wee hours of the morning, basically telling her that I am going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. I thought of writing out the letter as a blog so people can see where my mind goes at night but it is too frightening to go back there. I wrote a lot of morbid thoughts trying to defend my decision to kill myself because of my pain. I came close to revealing my plan or at least my date but I refrained.

I don’t know why I am in a rotten mood. It is spring. No more snow and winter storms. I should be semi-happy but I am not. I know part of it is because of the pain I deal with every day. But mostly it is because I am just an unhappy person. I have never felt contentment for more than a few weeks in my life and I have never felt no suicidal feelings at any point in my adult life. I have always felt like I should be dead or that I need to die. After almost thirty-eight years of this, I think that being in the ground six feet under is a welcome.

a little bit about psych hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Had a frustrating session with my therapist today. She was all in my business on the transgender issues today for some reason. I don’t know why she brings it up and I just get really mad when she does because I feel like she is really getting into my personal business. I just feel like if I want to talk about it, I WILL bring it up, not her. She feels that I should be in a TG group, which I don’t want to be in. Right now I got so many different things going on in my head, the last thing on my mind is my TG. I am really struggling dealing with chronic pain all the time and wanting to escape from it but knowing there is no escape unless I am sleeping 24/7. Today I had a quick shower, less than fifteen minutes, and I still was in pain from standing that length of time. It sucks. I am supposed to have coffee with a friend of mine today. I am still waiting for his phone call to meet up.

The we talked a little about how yesterday fizzled me. I don’t know but I feel like I am going to explode soon with anger toward her. I know that part of the reason is that I brought up the roots of why I am suicidal, though it still isn’t quite clear. All I remember is that I wanted to die when I was eight years old. By the age of ten I was planning my death on my birthday because I didn’t want to make it to eleven. Greed spoiled that plan because I wanted to see what kind of gifts I got and I wasn’t going to kill myself on Christmas. That would be wrong as God would never have forgiven me (this was what I was thinking at the age of ten). I was depressed from then on but always kept it hidden from everyone. I tried to keep it hidden though some days I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I started moving away from my best friend in middle school. We were at different schools and different grade school levels. I didn’t want to burden him with my thoughts of death. He wanted me to see someone but I knew I wasn’t crazy so why talk to a counselor. I just thought that I would get in huge trouble if I spoke to some one outside of the family. Things that went on in the family, stayed in the family. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone what was going on. And it hurt because I was hurting. I don’t know why. My father was an asshole and still is. He cares more about himself than another person. He is part of the reason I turned out the way I did. My mother didn’t really do anything to stop my father from being abusive. She just let him have the run of the household like wives do. And my sisters dealt with it by turning to their friends. I didn’t have too many friends outside of school until high school. Then there was just this one friend but still I don’t think she knew just how great my suicidality was. We didn’t talk about it. We avoided feelings and just hung out and listened to music or do homework. We were the nerds in school. I didn’t mind it. Schoolwork kept my mind off things. Until everything fell apart during my freshman year. I can’t talk about the details because it will just trigger my PTSD. Even now I am getting anxious about it.

So with all this stuff that my therapist knows, why would my TG (transgender) stuff be at the highlight of my life right now? I know that she thinks that the reason why I planned a date is because if I don’t do something to change me, then I will die. But things have changed now. Yes I could move forward to my transition and be all good with that, but that still isn’t going to change the fact that I have chronic pain every day that isn’t helped with medication. Sometimes the medication does help. Sometimes the cream that my doctor prescribed helps. I didn’t plan or maybe I already knew that things are always going to be the same. I am always going to be in pain in some shape or another. And that is why I feel like I can’t go on anymore. It is my decision. No one has the right to stop me. They can try and prevent it by putting me in the hospital but that is no guarantee that when I get out, I won’t kill myself. More patient die on discharge than anything. And even the hospital knows this. They know that if you are chronically suicidal, they still let you out after a few days in. It’s like they are saying “well, we stopped the immediate threat of you killing yourself but we hope that by keeping you here we took that away. No, you are still suicidal? Well you can go home now”. I have had this happen to me time and time again. No I have not attempted while discharged but it left me feeling like no one cared or maybe they just didn’t believe that suicidality can lasts more than 3-14 days. And you know part of it is dictated by the insurance company that you have. It’s like the insurance company says when you are well and when you are not. Soon as you show some interest in groups and start participating in the hospital program, boom, ready for discharge, even if your life still sucks and you want to die. They don’t have time to deal with you wanting to die. Just want to know if today you are going to kill yourself. Because if you want to kill yourself next week or the day after that is fine. You can do that. And I love when they ask you will you come back if the suicidal feelings return. UM, hello, they never left!!

So in essence, you are better off not going in the hospital. The best course is to stay in outpatient treatment as long as possible. Because either way, you are still going to have the same therapist to deal with when you get out of the hospital unless you quit therapy. Then you truly are on your own.