Tag: chronic physical pain

Hosp vs no Hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hosp vs no Hosp

I have been thinking about this for the past hour, talking it over with the voices. They are loud tonight. I haven’t taken my night meds yet. But I am thinking this, what if I go in the hospital and they smack the “complicated grief” bullshit on me because my father died two weeks ago? I have been struggling with the hospital for more than a month now as the depression was and has been steadily getting worse. I only avoided getting in the hospital a week before my father died because I didn’t want him to die while I was inpatient.

My depression started the last week in January and then got complicated when my father had to go for radiation treatment, then two weeks later was in the hospital because of chest pain. That started his decline. We spent most of March in the hospital with him for pleural effusions, lung collapses, and ascites build up. In April, his ammonia levels were up, causing confusion and more lethargy. His appetite then became non existent and we were told he had a few weeks to a few months to live. Turned out he had just a few weeks. We put him in the nursing home on April 8th and he was gone by April 25th. Not even twenty days later.

In the middle of March, I got started on an antidepressant. Thoughts of wanting to kill myself were rampant. I should have been in the hospital but I became my father’s health care proxy during one of his admissions in March. I couldn’t go in because if they needed my signature while he was confused or needed treatment he couldn’t consent for, I had to be there. It was a delicate situation.

I think starting on antidepressant therapy helped me cope. I still wasn’t eating as I have lost a considerable amount of weight during this time. My last physical in August, I was 218. I am now 203/205. I am struggling to keep this weight because I don’t want to balloon up again. I still don’t have a full appetite like I used to have. Food doesn’t interest me much. I lost a lot of interest in things I used to enjoy. I should be watching the Sox game right now but I am blogging because I really don’t care about the game anymore. It’s lost its appeal with me, and that is not because of the team and all the drama it has this year. I have also lost interest in coffee. I don’t drink it every day like I used to. I can’t remember the last time I made it at home. I don’t go to Starbucks as often as I used to either. I just lost the taste for their coffee, which I used to love. I go there out of habit now but only if I have an appointment in Boston. Otherwise, I just stay at home.

I don’t know if I need to be in the hospital. Sure I am at risk of suicide, that is a given. But will I be helped while being in, is the question. I don’t know if it will annoy me or help me. I don’t know what hospital I will go to. If it isn’t the hospital I was in before, I will hate being somewhere else. The past three years I have been going to this unit when I need to be inpatient. It will be difficult being somewhere else that I haven’t been to before. And I don’t want to be in the ER all day and night waiting for a bed, though I will if that means going to the hospital of my choice. Last admission, I made it to the hospital and was admitted through their admission office rather than through the ER. I just cut the middle man out.

I just really don’t want to be admitted and then have the admission focused on my grief for a father I really didn’t care for or love whole heartedly. He wasn’t a dad by any means. He wasn’t loving towards us, though he probably would have said so. The only time I seen him show affection was when he won at the track and wanted to share his prize winnings. I could go on about the cruelty of the man but I won’t. That will be another blog. I will be damned if some social worker or attending psychiatrist pegs me as a complicated grief stage when it’s only been two weeks and I have been depressed since around the 19th of January. I only remember that date because I know that is when my feelings changed and my appetite became less. The physical symptoms of depression reared it’s ugly head and I was in pain. I was walking in mud. My thoughts were slow and painful. It took me hours to write a 300 word blog. All the while, I would have urges to take a bottle of pills. It didn’t matter which one I took. I just knew to not reach for my pain medication because I was not going to die of liver failure due to acetaminophen. That bottle was not to be touched. All the others were up for grabs. I had a choice or I could take all of them. Mix and match. I didn’t care as long as I didn’t see tomorrow. My hanging myself went out the window because I don’t have a beam. And partly because I don’t like things around my neck except for a tie.

My father died before I could have killed myself. I find this ironic. I know that between my therapist and my psychiatrist, both will make it so I get in the hospital. The only question is what kind of care I will have there. I know I will have a mountain of meds to sort through and I hope they don’t deny me my pain meds. I will not be happy about that one bit. I guess that it’s the care that keeps me from going in the hospital as well as the list of medication that I take. I take around 12 pills every night. I know if I go to the hospital of my choosing, it will be more like 20 pills because they will break up one of my medication. Instead of taking 1 pill, I will be taking 4. I go through this every admission. They don’t have the formulary in the hospital so they make do with another formulary, which means more pills. Guess I will find out tomorrow if I will go in or not. I am scared though. Giving up my rights and my cell phone is hard, even if it is for a little while.

Random 455

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 455

I got the Zipcar today because I had to run an errand outside of Boston. I was getting antsy an hour before I was to go so I requested the car earlier as it was available. I thought there would be traffic as the route I took was having construction. It turned out to be a breeze so I lost no time in getting where I had to go. I had a bunch of time left as the errand only took me twenty minutes. I thought of visiting my Godmother but I didn’t want to upset her as we haven’t seen each other since my father passed away. I didn’t want to run the risk of upsetting her and then leaving her all upset. She is kind of fragile and I would feel really guilty if something happened after I left.

I had like 3 hours to kill. I went to the Square to deposit some cash. Then went to Wendy’s for dinner. I played the powerball for tomorrow night as it’s over $400 million. I played my father’s month and year of birth, my birthday, and my cousin’s birthday. I hope the numbers come out. I returned the car a half hour early. There was no place else to go to waste time. I thought about going to my hometown to be by the water but I couldn’t count on getting back in time with traffic.

By the time I had finished wasting time, I had to use the bathroom. I didn’t make it home in time and peed myself. I was already feeling low and this just dropped me to a new level of depression. I had emailed my psychiatrist last night about thinking of going in the hospital. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in today. I responded with I wanted to talk with my therapist tomorrow and then go from there. There is nothing I need to get done this week except have therapy. I have no appointment with my psych because she hasn’t set one up yet. I think going in the hospital would help stabilize me. I am all over the place with my moods.

I haven’t decided if I am going to pack my Red Sox blanket that I have. I already have a bag that is packed with my clothes and writing stuff. I just don’t know which ER I want to go to. I just asked my psych if the psych ED part of the major hospital I go to is open again as it was closed a couple weeks ago when I went. I can’t imagine that it would still be closed after all this time but who knows.

It was close to 70 degrees out today. I thought it would be cold so wore a hoodie. By the time I reached the Zipcar, I was sweating. Even with the AC, it was hot in the car so I had to take the hoodie off. Now that I am back in my room, I have the ceiling fan on and shorts. I am sure the temp will drop tonight but I am comfortable for now.

I called the compounding pharmacy where I got my pain cream. They gave me the list of ingredients and faxed over the request to my neurologist. I tried calling my neuro to make an appointment with her but kept getting a busy signal. I never had a busy signal for a doctor’s office before. They either put you on hold or send you to the answering service. I thought the cream had lidocaine in it but it doesn’t. I just hope it works on the patch of my leg that is bothering me. Oral medications doesn’t seem to be doing shit. I hate the nerve pain that I feel because it’s such a helpless feeling knowing nothing you take helps.

completely worn out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Completely worn out

I had coffee with a dear friend of mine this morning. We talked and laughed for several hours until she had to pick up her daughter. It was good talking with her. She recently lost her husband about two maybe three weeks ago. I forget. Then we walked down to the bus stop. I didn’t think I was going to make it but I did. My legs were worn out by the end of our visit. But it was so good to talk to her. She also lost her father many years ago so she understands what I am going through.

When I got home, my sister told me the check from my father’s insurance came. So I had to go back to the Square to deposit it. I got something to eat there as well. What I ordered wasn’t very good but I ate it anyway. I didn’t finish it as it was much too big for me to eat. I just left it as I didn’t want to bring it home. The bus was late so I had to wait. I just wanted to go home and put my foot up. It was smarting.

My pdoc didn’t call in my refill. I don’t know what I am going to do now as I will be out come Monday. I emailed her several times already. I really don’t want to email her again. I am kind of in a fuck it mood so I really don’t care if my antidepressant gets filled or not. I have been somewhat hypomanic the past two days because I haven’t been sleeping. Last night I was up most of the night. I don’t think I went to sleep till 0400. Then I woke up at 0645 and I have been going since. I took a shower, met up with my friend, came home, went back out, came home and now I am blogging. It’s been go, go, go. I am very tired.

For those that read my last blog (how can I help you say goodbye), I talked about the newspaper clippings my father had in his wallet. My sister found them and gave them to me. Now I feel really sad. Monday I have to get his death certificate translated and found out that the place I got to go to is near my godmother’s house. I might stop in and see her before I leave. It’s not every day that I am in that area.

Interesting Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Interesting day

My sister and I went to the Italian Consulate in Boston today to notify them of my father’s death. We needed to have the papers we brought translated so we weren’t able to do much. Monday I got to go to the lady’s place to have it translated. I reserved the zipcar so I can get there and possibly go food shopping afterwards. The office was nice. It was on the 17th floor and had a beautiful view of the harbor. Too bad it wasn’t a nice day; the view would have been better.

After we went there, my sister and I got something to eat at the train depot where they had a food court. I was familiar with it because I have been there many times, but my sister wasn’t. I had to get a coffee and can’t believe I spent $4 on an iced coffee at their Starbucks kiosk. What a rip off. I won’t be getting my coffee there anymore. They had a McDonalds and I finally had my Big Mac that I have been craving. It was so good. I probably won’t eat anything else for the rest of the day but least I had some food.

On the ride home, the “movie” started to play again. It was because my sister brought up that my grandfather (father’s father) looked exactly liked him when he, my father, passed. My middle sister made a copy of the picture for me. I still remember the ambulance ride to my father’s apartment and what it was like. I feel so sad. Then I remember the stupid clock of his going off and telling him he was home. He died soon after.

This all happened 10 days ago yet it might as well have been yesterday. I just hope the memories fade as time goes on. I don’t want to relive this stuff every day. It’s too painful.

I need to take a shower today. I don’t know when I will but it will be sometime before bed. I don’t have to do anything else today. Tomorrow morning I am having coffee with a friend. Another friend called me to invite me to see my friends that are south of Boston. I am not sure if I am up to going, only because nerve pain has been so bad lately and these trips tend to take a lot of energy out of me. It will be good to see my friends again and my adopted niece and nephew. I’ll have to think about it.

My psychiatrist called me last evening to check in with me. I was in better spirits. I think I am becoming hypomanic as I feel really good, aside from the occasional sadness I feel. I told her I need a refill on my Zoloft, which she still has not called in yet. This is why I wanted to meet with her yesterday because it takes her a few days to call in a refill, especially with the new system. I hope she calls it in soon because I will run out come this weekend. I just emailed her again.