Tag: CRPS

making phone calls and being on hold

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Making phone calls and being on hold

I got my new SIM card for my phones and put them in. Unfortunately, I am unable to install the new voicemail feature and it said to call a number. I did and was put on hold. I also called my service provider to take a line off my account and was put on hold. Catheter company called just as therapy was ending so when I returned the call I was on hold. Doesn’t anyone get this lucky when making phone calls? I wouldn’t mind but the catheter company had piano music that was so depressing. I could only bear it for so long and then I hung up to call again. Finally got through to someone at my cell provider and turns out all I needed to do was update the app. I was with the tech for just a minute after spending 20 on hold.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we celebrated out in my backyard. I lasted a couple of hours before the heat got to me. I am so tired and because I was sitting, my ankle/foot is flared up. Going to be a while before it settles down before I am able to sleep. Veins are popping on my foot which isn’t a good sign. CRPS swells up really good. The Suicidal area on my ankle has flared up a few notches. My sister had me go downstairs to check on my mother. I wish I didn’t because now the pain is agony. Foot and ankle are screaming at me. And just like that I am in a suicidal spiral. The pain is causing me to feel so damn hopeless and I am trying to “ignore” it. I am trying to say it will pass and then I will be “fine”. But in this moment I wish I was dead. I just took my BT meds with Tylenol. Hopefully in an hour I will be feeling better.

I am listening to a song by Taylor Swift on repeat. I don’t know what it is about this song but I absolutely love it so much. The melody of the song just draws me in. As many times as I have heard this song I still do not know it word for word, yet. I am getting there with each repeat.

Chronic pain and worth

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS

up early

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Up early

My day started around 530 because I had to use the bathroom. Little did I know it would turn out to be colon blow day. I must have gone to the bathroom three times already. I think I am done as usually three is the magic number of finishing emptying my bowels. I had coffee afterwards. I still have to brush my teeth. I didn’t do this yesterday. I meant to but never got around to it. I should shower today.

I am planning on going to the square as I have a few errands that need to be done. I want to get my lemonade flavor Gatorade at the store there. It seems to be the only place that sells it. I will also get some meat and chicken. My mother wants chicken wings so I will get a package as long as it isn’t too expensive. Last time it was like 15 bucks for a package. Ridiculous.

I went to BJ’s for food shopping. I used the rest of my food stamps for all the stuff I bought. My sister had to put in $25 more. I bought chicken wings, breast, fish, tuna fish, steak, and then little stuff for quick meals. I also bought my favorite ice cream. We didn’t go to the square so I did when we dropped the stuff off at the house. I took the bus and then I got a macchiato at Starbucks as well as a sandwich.

I am so tired. My back hurts. I just took a BT med and some Tylenol. My calf started cramping up when I was going up the hill to my house. I had just gone to the pharmacy to get my meds and the hill was too much. I was only three houses away from my house, too. Seems I did too much as my leg/ankle/foot just flared up on me. I am in so much pain. I spent $127 on food and I just want to eat ice cream for dinner. I think my mother is making supper. If not I am not eating. I am in too much pain to make something.

I haven’t heard back from my uro. I sent a message the day I got results of my urine culture. It still hurts when I pee. Today I had colon blow. My bowels just erupted. Luckily I had no accidents. I haven’t cathed today. I have been having good urges so been voiding on my own.

My sister made the fish I bought. It was good. I am going to have ice cream later once my pain is lower. It really flared up when I went downstairs and sat in a chair. I had to take an Ativan because my right calf and left foot cramped up at the same time. OMG was it painful! I am depressed that I am in so much pain. I am having suicidal thoughts but that is all that I am having. I sent my therapist a message that hopefully she will read before our appointment. I asked her if there was something that could alter the path of SI àplanning date as my thoughts sometimes have been going that way the last few times my pain has been bad. I just got a workbook by Kathryn Gordon PhD on suicidal thoughts workbook. It will take me a week to work through it to see if it will help me. I really, really need to make the time to go to Starbucks with my bag and journal and this book to read it until closing time. I will write a review blog when I finish it.

when morning pain is too much

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

When morning pain is too much

Early this morning I got a wicked bad cramp in my CRPS foot. I couldn’t do nothing but bear it. I couldn’t move it or anything. I knew it wasn’t because I was dehydrated because I was drinking fluids when I was up at 1 am. I drank half a bottle of Gatorade. My foot is still severely sore so I had to take a couple of BT meds. I wanted to go grocery shopping today but that isn’t happening.

I ended up going to PT last night. She worked on my calf muscle which she said had a A+ knot in it. I am to roll a tennis ball underneath it to try and work it out. She said I might need dry needling to get it out but I would be limping out of the office as it is painful. She was just working on it with her hands and it was fucking hurting so bad so I know the needling would be worse. She told me that I could use a book on the bed and roll it. That is an awesome idea because I have a foam topper and the ball would just sink in and not move. My calf is still sore from the massaging she did. I walked up the hill to my house and it hurt so bad last night coming home. My breathing is going to take time to get better, she said. It is the last thing to get better. But I should continue to walk up the hill. I won’t be walking today because of my foot.

I made an appointment with my therapist for the end of the month. I figured if I have an appointment, I wouldn’t stray too much away from therapy. I see my pcp next week, in person. I am going to see if he can order fasting labs for me as it has been a while since I have had them done. I just sent them a message to find out if I should contact uro because I am still experiencing pain in my urethra despite not cathing. I don’t want to take the pyridium tabs because they cause me to retain more as I don’t get the urge to go. Today is the last day I am on antibiotics for this UTI. I haven’t cathed the whole time I was on because the urge was there for me to go. I also haven’t been on a schedule because I seem to be able to go every 3-4 hours on my own.

I am listening to Taylor Swift’s Speak Now album. I love this album so much. I wanted to listen to Fearless and I might later. Or maybe I will mix the albums and create a playlist. I don’t know. I just need to hear good music that puts me in a good mood without causing me to think about things.

I am getting tired. I was up in the middle of the night again and didn’t go back to sleep until around 4am. I woke up around 0730 to pee and I have been up since. I might need a second cup of coffee soon. I want to work on my 2nd memoir today. If I can write at least 300 words that would be good. I don’t really know where this book is going. I have written only around 500 words so far. It has been a slow start because it is so personal.

My legs are killing me so I really think despite taking BT meds, it isn’t enough for me to go grocery shopping by bus. It will be too much for me and I don’t want to hurt more than I already do. Today would be a perfect day for it because the weather is perfect. It has cooled off considerably and is a nice sunny day. The wind makes it cool but other than that it is a really beautiful day.