Tag: depression

Nervous Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been feeling very nervous as the days gets closer to my publication date. All the doubts that I have had about my book are running through my head. Only difference is that I am not the one in control of the publication. Whether I am nervous or doubtful about this, it is going to be published anyways. I can’t stop it if only because the editor in charge is on vacation next week. Not that I truly want it to stop. I just want this nervousness to go away! I have fears that it won’t be well received, that I will be criticized, that people will just be nasty about it. I know in reality that the Times doesn’t publish garbage, so I have that going for me. I just wish I could chill. The next 40 hours or so are going to be nerve racking. I am trying to distract with a baseball game but then I check Facebook and someone likes my post I made about this, sending the nerves back up. I wish this thing wasn’t going to be published at 0330. It is going to mess up my sleep. But then, my sleep is already messed up. I woke up around 0300 today. I had a late lunch and now I just want to sleep. But the game is on and my nerves are shot so I unless I take some Ativan, I doubt I would sleep.

I wish I was working on something, like my book or even reading a book, but haven’t been able to do either. I am still waiting for my “writing itch” to come back so I can work on my book. But as far as reading, I am just too nervous and distracted to concentrate. I haven’t touched Harry Potter in over a week now. I think I might have to read something else until I get bored with that. It’s not that I don’t have plenty to choose from. I have my bipolar book, suicidology, Gaiman’s books. I’ve become a real Neil Gaiman fan. I love his style of writing. I bought his book he wrote earlier this year, “Trigger Warning”. I did start “American Gods”, but haven’t gone back because I got into reading Harry. I also have Dostoevsky’s works. Plenty to choose from, but the focus is just not there. Plus, I am a little indecisive where to go, if I am not going to finish “Order of the Phoenix” (Harry Potter).

I also need to change my sheets but I really need to clear my “office” side of the bed. I have my journals and books, some clothes, baseball hats, etc. on one side of my bed. I just sleep on one side and I usually stay in one position most of the night. I am not one to go all over the bed. But since hurting my hip the other night while vacuuming, I haven’t been able to stand more than three minutes to do anything. I changed my toner on my printer and even that caused me pain. I don’t know what to do to ease this ache. It always flares when I am walking or standing too long. I really wanted to bake today but since I am in pain, that isn’t possible. I really want to make pumpkin cupcakes. It will be all mine as I am the only one that likes pumpkin anything. I will try to make them tomorrow. Maybe baking will give the release I need to take my mind off things.

I just realized I haven’t listened to music of any kind in like a day and a half. Maybe some music will calm me down some or at least distract me. Sox have this game, unless the bullpen comes apart, which is always a possibility.

College Football Starts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

College Football Starts

I am very excited today as college football starts. I will be watching the Nebraska and OSU game today. I am glad they are at different times. I am hoping they don’t overlap. The only thing that does suck is that the Sox game does overlap with the Nebraska game. I will be switching channels to check the scores. I have been waiting for this day to come since the Sox started to really suck and their bullpen came apart. Last night was a good example. The Sox had a 7-2 lead when the starting pitcher left. Then the bullpen came on and brought it within two runs. Luckily, the manager did some maneuvering and we were able to keep the lead and win the game 7-5. It was close because the closing pitcher likes to score inherited runners and they had a heavy hitter up at bat that was the tying run. It was nail biting.

I took a shower and my hip went out. It is still bothering me and I don’t want to take anything for it because I want to watch the games. I really don’t want to be drugged up. I already had a difficult night as I woke up at 0300 because my room was hot. By the time the room cooled down with the AC running, I had a hard time going back to sleep. I finally did around 0600. I am never turning the AC off before bed again.

I keep getting congratulations on my NYT piece, which is nice. What I am having a problem with is people telling me it is “deserved” and I “worked hard” for it. I didn’t set out for this to happen. I really didn’t think they were ever going to respond to my email. In fact, after the class I went to, I wasn’t going to try again. I felt the piece was too personal and that it should stay as a blog. It only took me a couple of hours to write. I didn’t slave over it. Hell, I really didn’t even edit it. The editor just made changes that were so the public could understand what I was talking about better, something I didn’t think of in my writing. I am so used to writing in a “doctor’s” language, I forget that sometimes people might not know what a pdoc is or the word “sectioned” means. This piece of writing came easily to me. I didn’t work too hard on it. Yet the New York Times will be printing it. It has some meaning and it feels great that my writing meant something to someone. But I am not sure it is deserved. It was just on a whim that I emailed them and hoped they would consider my piece. I was talking with a friend in Canada last night. She believes that I will be famous one day. I wish I had her confidence in me that it would happen. She thinks I am going to go places. Exactly where, I am not sure. Maybe it is just my low self-esteem that I feel this way, that I don’t deserve this. But it is happening and I am thrilled it is. For the first time in my life, I am going to be out there in the world, bigger than my book.

Yesterday, I was having a good day, a terrific day in fact. I was on a natural high and I didn’t think I was going to come down off it. Then I got a comment from a disgruntled reader that negatively criticized not only my blog, but my writing in general. I was deeply upset by this. Now I have my doubts about everything. I have tried not to let this person take up to much space in my head because obviously, she has issues. This person left me three comments that were ignorant and rude. They don’t have a place on my blog. So if you are reading this, you have been blocked from further commenting on my blog. I have no place for your negativity and ignorance. If you don’t like what I have to say, find another blog that suits your pathetic needs. No one is forcing you to stay. In other words, leave.

On a Natural High

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

On a Natural High

Last night, I got an email that was filtered to my junk mail folder. I was about to delete it when I read the subject line “couch”. For the past three months I have been emailing the NY Times my blog post on the love/hate relationship in therapy. I checked the email address to see if it was a real NYT address and sure enough it was. Holy fucking cow, they responded! It was the very first email that I sent back in July! The editor thought the piece was “pretty amazing”. He told me that I should stay tuned with some thoughts. I didn’t think nothing of it other than maybe that was the standard reply to something when an article is in consideration. But he got back to me within an hour with some edits and I couldn’t believe it. This was going to happen. I was going to be a contributor to the New York TIMES! I just finished sending in the paperwork today and the article is set of online publication on Tuesday. I don’t know when the article will be hard print. I just emailed him and asked as my mother would love a copy of it rather than the online version. I am so excited, happy, nervous, and giddy it’s not funny. I had an email conversation with my psychiatrist about this. I sent her the edited version of the article. She said that it was excellent, like she told me before. If I could do handstands and flips, I would be doing them. The editor got back to me today and said out of the 45 articles he has edited, my post is his favorite. He Googled me and my book is going to be listed at the end of the article. I am going to have publicity on my book! I am so damn tickled. I am glad I am an author!

Yesterday was a disturbing day for me and today has been somewhat normal. The past 24 hours have been a rush! I cannot wait to see my piece printed. It might be on the front page of the Times webpage when it comes out. I just found out it will not be in print, as in the newspaper itself. I guess this series is only an online thing. If the hypos I was feeling weren’t happening, I am sure this news would have cured my depression, least for a few days. My psychiatrist wonders what the readers are going to respond to this article. Tuesday cannot come fast enough. It will be in the morning, like 0330! I just checked when other posts have been posted. I will have to set my alarm so I can send a mass emailing. I will also post it on my blog for that day.

Ankle Chronicles 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had to pick up my father’s prescription at the pharmacy today, which meant a lot of walking. It was only about four or five blocks from his apartment to the pharmacy but my ankle decided it wanted no part in it so rebelled. Then I guess the way I was walking to compensate, threw my opposite side hip out. I was not happy. I just wanted to sit and rest but I couldn’t because there was no place to really sit and I wasn’t going to sit on the ground. I get to his apartment and he isn’t there. I started panicking. He knew I was coming over. Then I saw his girlfriend coming towards his apartment. I was really starting to get worried. It’s not like him not to be home when he knows people are coming over. She went to the office while I waited in case he came home. Soon after she got on the elevator to go down, he came off the opposite elevator. I was happy but miffed. He says I should have called him, which next time I will. I see him every week at around the same time so I don’t know why he thought he could leave his apartment.

I had lunch over his place as he cooked and then I left. More walking to the train station. I was a little annoyed with the bus on the way there so decided to take the train home. The bus at the closer station to my house was late, which meant more standing on my already flared up ankle. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk the block and half home. But I sat on the bus and let it rest a little bit. It was a little better by the time I got to my stop but soon as I put weight on it, it flared right up again. I am not doing anything the rest of the day. I got my hair cut this morning and I had lunch thanks to daddio. I should be good for the next few hours until my stomach wants more food and then I will have to see if I really want to eat. I will have to go down the stairs to the kitchen which I know my ankle will just love (saying this sarcastically). I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom.

My father gave me peppers which I handed over to my mother. She loves green peppers. I do, too. She usually makes peppers and eggs which is alright. I used to love to eat them raw but lately, my stomach has been picky with raw vegetables so I have to eat them cooked. I don’t know why it bothers my stomach. I take a stomach pill that should protect my stomach and not cause any problems. But eating raw peppers causes me to get heartburn.

I started getting a little hyper this morning. I know I was really irritable when I was going to my father’s on the bus. The bus driver was being trained so was driving really slow and of course, every stop had a passenger to either pick up or drop off. Then we got to a busy square and there was a lady whose card wasn’t working. Must have been trying to make it work for more than five minutes and to me in my manic brain was forever. It drove me berserk because it held up the people behind her. I just wanted the bus to fricken go. I should have taken the fricken train but the bus stops near the pharmacy that I had to go to so I could do less walking. I was getting very annoyed that even Luke Bryan’s music wasn’t calming me down. I guess it was good that I walked as much as I did just to relieve the stress and agitation I was feeling, even though it caused me pain. I still feel annoyed and I don’t know why. I feel like I drank several cups of coffee when all I had was a cup of tea at like seven this morning. This manic stuff has got to stop eventually, right?

I took an Ativan because I am starting to feel desperate over my situation. I know that if I page my pdoc, she might suggest the hospital and I don’t want to be in the hospital. I am not homicidal or suicidal. I just feel really agitated and I don’t think they hospitalize you for that. I am not psychotic, even though I have been talking to my voices more. But they are my normal voices, not different ones. I am also not delusional or paranoid. I just am irritable and agitated. The most the ER would do is give me drugs to calm me down. I have drugs at home I can take. I don’t need to be in the ER to take their drugs or waste time there. I might take a trilafon if the Ativan doesn’t work. Least I am cooped up in my room with the AC on. I also took my pain meds for my ankle to calm it down. I am just so annoyed that I am in pain. Maybe the pain is what is causing the anxiety to shoot up. Not like that hasn’t happened before. I am just so tired of feeling like I am going out of my mind. I actually would love to be depressed right now because it is what I know best. I am not used to feeling like I am really nervous and agitated and anxious all at once.