Tag: depression

Exhausting Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting day

I think all the excitement has worn off and left me feeling exhausted. I am still sleeping in four hour increments and I think I am crashing. I don’t feel as “good” or content anymore like I did while I was hypo. I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep. But I did go out today to get my coffee. It went well though I didn’t get as much writing done as I was hoping. The place was crowded and it made it hard to think. Course, I was still fighting the cobwebs in my brain before the coffee got rid of them. And they didn’t. I drank the coffee and then felt like I was going to pass out. I packed up my things and left to catch the next bus home. My mother wanted a coupe dozen of eggs at Walgreens so I bought those for her before I went home.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to blog this afternoon, but I am getting the writing itch and I can’t ignore it. I got some more weird comments on my article. I just laughed. My psychiatrist was right, they say more about the person writing them than my writing. My blog stats are still mad crazy, though not as abundant as yesterday. I had 1,154 views yesterday, a career high. I am glad people read my blog to know more about me and my struggles. The highest read was my page on my book and a few of the CES pages.

I had therapy today and we talked a lot about the comments. I told her someone had said that they thought my treaters were my “imaginary friends”. We also talked about the possibility of my crashing as I feel like I am out of gas. Things are MUCH slower the past day and a half than they were before. I feel depressed. I am not sleeping or eating much. I am tired all the time. Thinking I am slow, it isn’t as fast as it was. In fact, I have a hard time keeping up with fast songs so I know the crash is beginning. I was hoping just to have a normal mood for a while but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I am trying to remain hopeful, that things are still good, but it’s getting harder. Pain has come and I couldn’t walk down the block to get Powerball numbers for tonight’s game. A friend in PA bought me two tickets. If we win, we will split it. That was so nice of her.

I hope tomorrow is cooler. I have to see my father to do my weekly errand with him. I will be seeing him later because I have an early appointment with my therapist. I am glad we have a time to talk before the weekend, as I am not sure how bad my mood is going to change over the next day or so. I hate feeling like this but it is my normal. I rather feel like this than be racy like I was. I hope the hypos stay away. I have been listening to ALL my songs and every time I hear a Bon Jovi song I have to sing along with it. It is my favorite group of all time, next to Pearl Jam. Speaking of Pearl Jam, they are set to come out with a new album soon. I cannot wait. Their last album was very good and I haven’t heard them in years. I love Eddie Vedder, their lead singer. There is just something about his voice that gets me and the music that I can relate to.

I don’t know if I will be listening to the ball game tonight. I am so tired I don’t think I am going to make it the whole game. I might listen to the first couple of innings to see how Kelly pitches. He will probably start trending whether he pitches good or bad. ALL his starts he has trended because he made a prediction way back when that he will win the Cy Young award this year. That turned out to be such a laugher, and still is. He is an overconfident bastard. Just wish his pitching matched his arrogance.

early morning blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up about an hour ago because I had to use the facilities. I slept for about four hours. I am kind of pissed because I was so exhausted, I thought I would have slept longer.

I checked my blog stats, which are still outrageous. I am feeling very excited about this. But I know the numbers will wind down as the article loses favor. I read some more of the comments and they were outrageous, calling me every diagnostic label in the personality disorder department. They are also concerned about when my therapist passes away then what will I do. Really weird stuff. I am laughing at the comments because they are so outlandish. One woman wants to shake me and slap me. That must be a new form of therapy that I have not heard about. I should also “take a break” from my therapist. Yea, I am sure my therapist will love that idea, seeing as she just came back from vacation. One commenter even thought my treaters were my “imaginary friends”. Yes, they are. Fool.

I am handling the comments better and taking them with a grain of salt. I wish I could respond to each one but I can’t. It would take energy that I don’t have. So I am blogging about it because that is what I do when I am upset and need to get things off my chest.

My Kindle sales have gone well. I sold three books since the article came out. There also seems to have 283 pages read but I don’t understand what this is because my book is only 154 pages. I am going to have to ask what these pages mean. I am sure there was an email about it and I just didn’t understand it. I think it has to do with Amazon Prime but I am not sure. Anyways, happy reading!

I think I am finally crashing. My mood has been dull and the excitement has worn off. I see my pdoc next week. I plan on giving her some cake pops as a thank you for giving me the idea to submit to the Times. She didn’t say this out right; she just asked what I was going to do with this paper. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the Times would pick my paper.

I can’t believe how low I have been feeling. I have been trying to “get back up” but I feel so sluggish. I think that has more to do with my not sleeping than anything. Having four hour stints at a time is no fun. I wish the euphoria would come back but I am just happy it is gone. That was a little scary the past few weeks where I was hypo. I did like one woman’s comment giving me an ultimatum: I am to give her 6 months to live and if I refuse, then I am to go to the hospital. No other treatment options were given. I replied but it hasn’t been posted. This rubbed a nerve. She definitely would NOT be a therapist I would see because she is very close minded and obviously doesn’t want to deal with suicidality at all. I pity her and her clients. The hospital is no place for someone with chronic suicidality, Jobes and Linehan have proven that. I would love to send her information on this but she isn’t worth my time. I also put in another plug for Jobes’s work and gave her the title of the book. But the reply didn’t go through. Oh well, her loss.

I finally got another three hours of sleep. Now I think I am up for the day. I might go to Starbucks early to get coffee. I am going to need it today. I don’t want to make the coffee that I have because I want to go out, even though it’s muggy outside. It’s supposed to be worse today than the last three days. I hope it cools down. I cannot tolerate the heat.

Love, Hate, and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Love Hate and Suicide

Above is the link for my article. It has been a rough twenty-four hours. I have not slept very well because of the weird dreams I have been having over the stress of this publication. For the most part, my article was well received. There were a few dissenters that questioned my therapist’s methods and therapy with me, but they were dispelled by other commenters, which made me feel a little better. I had gotten so upset about the readers “attacking” my treaters, I felt like I made a huge mistake. My psychiatrist was impressed I made such an impression, which made me feel better. Also talking with my therapist after nearly 5 days was such comfort. I thought I was offending her and I wasn’t doing any of the sort. She laughed at some of the comments I was telling her and told me it didn’t matter. Everyone was entitled to their opinion. What really matters is what happens between us not the rest of the world, or something like that. Because I was so sleep deprived and a nervous wreck, I cried today while talking with her. I just got so overwhelmed with the comments. Some of them had them questioning whether my therapist was “real”, meaning did she have the proper credentials and training to be a therapist. It was just so hurtful, to me anyways. So I cried, got upset, and then laughed about it. Before my psychiatrist wrote back, I seriously thought about ending my life. But the feelings passed. Now I just hope I can get a good night’s sleep and I should be able to face the day tomorrow.

I had to go out today. I stayed in all weekend and was starting to feel cooped up. I went to Walgreens to try and get some Pringles and my prescription. I also gave the article to one of the pharm techs I told I write. She was flabbergasted. They didn’t have the Pringles but they did have my prescription ready. When I came home I showered and waited for the time for my therapist.

After therapy, I checked some more comments, my blog stats (which are blooming), and messages on FB. I then got dressed and waited for the bus. I didn’t have to wait as my cousin drove by and gave me a ride to the Square. I was hungry so had a celebratory burrito. Actually, I got a salad with all the burrito fillings. It was just as good but without the flour tortilla. I went to my Starbucks and got a pumpkin spice latte and a scone. I was stuffed at this point. My mother called while I was having my latte wanted to know if I would be home for supper. I said I would be home but I don’t think I would be eating. I was too tired to write so just decided to catch the next bus home, which meant catching the bus with the mentally disabled guy. He was not too bad today, though he did ask some young kids for money. I ignored him, though I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. He just makes me uncomfortable because he has a quick temper. Something doesn’t go his way and he flies off the handle. I am glad the bus wasn’t too crowded today.

Counting Down the Hours

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Counting down the hours

Today is another wicked humid, hot day. Sox are winning at the moment. They just took the lead. I just hope Porcello and the bullpen can keep the lead against the hot Jays. I have decided not to listen or watch the game today. I didn’t sleep very well, again. I just woke up from a nap that had another disturbing dream in it. I had woken from a nightmare earlier so my day has not gone well.

I have been counting down the hours till my article gets published. As the hour slowly approaches, I am again filled with anxiety about it. I have emailed a good friend of mine about this and the nightmare that I had. She is understanding that I have these fears. It’s not so much about the world that I am afraid of, but my family’s reaction to what I wrote. I activated my the blog again so I could show my cousin what I wrote so she could judge if they will react poorly or not. She said it was fine. She is really supportive of my work and a good friend. We didn’t know each other growing up due to my father and her grandmother having a fight when I was little. She was also away to college and I didn’t really know about her till we got invited to her graduation party. She is really pretty and smart, but then, all my cousins are. I trust her judgement and I hope she isn’t wrong. Last thing I want is her mother interfering in my life. It’s bad enough she is on Facebook. She is not a woman to be messed with, and I will just leave it at that.

I wanted to go to Walgreens today to pick up my prescription but when I brought out my recycles, the heat overwhelmed me. Tomorrow is supposed to be a tad cooler so I might go then, in the morning before it gets hot. I should be up anyway with the dealings of my article being published. If my hip doesn’t hurt, I plan on going to Kelly’s to get a proper roast beef sandwich and onion rings to celebrate. I have been getting a roast beef at another place but it’s just not the same.

The plan for tonight is to watch the OSU game (they didn’t play Saturday like I thought they did) and then stay up until 0400 or so. My publication is supposed to be online at 0330. If I do happen to fall asleep before 0300, I set my alarm just in case. I also plan on taking another nap between 1700-1900 so I am rested for the game. Right now, I am not caring much about the game. I just want to sleep, or maybe have something to eat and then sleep. The last 24 hours have been stressful and the next 12 are going to be more so. I have been trying not to think of the consequences of my writing but I can’t. I know it’s good writing and the Times doesn’t accept garbage. I have to keep telling myself this or I just go into a downward spiral of self-doubt. Talking with my cousin helped and so did emailing my friend. Having that dream didn’t help. I dreamt that the article was co-authored and then that person wanted to see me. She sent me a bunch of redundant paperwork I had to fill out and she spelled the word suicide wrong on it. It was a terrible dream.