Tag: depression

good/bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Made a cake today. I should have transferred it out of the pan before I put the sweetened milk on it. It didn’t tell me this in the directions and I am an idiot when it comes to desserts so it kind of flopped. It was still good though. I think I had so much of it that I probably will be good for a couple of days. It is richly sweet and I think it should be called pumpkin de leche.

I kind of been having a good day today. I don’t know why. I have been listening to Taylor Swift and she always puts me in a good mood. But now I am in pain from standing and running around all day so I am in a not so great mood. I wish my good moods could last all day but I will take them as they come.

I finally could answer the call from Dell. They don’t know if it is the cooling fan that is making the noise and the idiot said it could be the hard drive. He had me run some diagnostics and everything came back normal, of course. The stupid high pitch thing didn’t even come on when I was on the phone with him. UGH. Funny how things become normal when you are on the phone with a tech.

I am going to try and get my sister’s car this week to see my therapist. I am going to try for Wednesday so I can put gas in her car. But it all depends if I have enough energy to get up early and go through the routine to make it to my sister’s work to get the car. I wanted to go Thursday but I woke up too late. I should have set my alarm but of course I am not used to setting it. Why would I when I don’t have to get up early anymore. The only time I will set it is when I have to be up before nine. And that is usually when I have to take my father to his oncology appointments. He gets grumpy if I don’t go with him.

I wrote a few pages in the project I am working with my friend. It is tiring to be writing all the time. I don’t know how writers are able to do it. But then, not all writers write about their experiences like I do.

Tomorrow I have an open day, which stinks. The only thing I have tentatively planned is going to Starbucks but my manuscript is supposed to be delivered tomorrow so I might stay home all day. I really don’t want to go out tomorrow. I just want to stay in bed and maybe watch some TV. I know I am going to be hurting later tonight. I took my father home and wore slippers rather than sneakers. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I do have to get up kind of early tomorrow to cancel my appt with the repro endo doc. I was finally able to get in touch with her via email so she changed my prescription once again. I hope this stupid pill works because I really don’t want my menses again in a few weeks. That will just suck.

Both Boston teams won today. I got to see the ending of the Sox game. I missed the ceremony for Yaz. I am sure they will have it on YouTube or something. They dedicated a statue for him today. I will have to make a trip to the Park to see it. Maybe one of these days.

rambling 50

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have not done much today except to go to Walgreens to pick up a prescription. I have slept most of the day. I am trying to convince myself to take a shower but not sure if my ankle is going to cooperate.

I am very happy that the Sox are now the American League East Division champions. It was awesome watching them play last night and celebrate afterwards. We still have a while to go before the playoffs start but it’s nice to know we clinched the division. There are eight more games in the regular season. They just need six games to win to make 100 wins overall.

I got a tremendous headache today. It is hard for me to think. I am so tired, even though I just woke up from a nap. I needed to rest today because my ankle just wasn’t going to have it any other way. Even with me icing it last night it was still painful.

I am still feeling depressed and a little suicidal. I swear I am never not going to feel suicidal. I came across a blog last night that I thought was very idiotic about suicide. This person really got me going. I thought about purchasing her book just so I could harshly review it but thought better of it and didn’t. I commented on the blog and am waiting for “moderation”. So far I have not had any response, nor do I expect there to be. I like to think of myself as an expert in suicide because I have read extensively on the subject as well as written about it and suffer from it. This woman supposedly does as well but thinks there are neural pathways that cause us to think that way. I never heard of anything like it and I guess if it’s not related to Shneidman or Jobes, it’s all whacked out stuff. I am biased to those that are actually in the field of suicidology and to the researchers that I have read over and over or come across over and over. I don’t know what she is basing her theory on but I have a feeling it is hogwash.

Well baseball game is going to start and I think I want to take a shower before I lose all interest in it all together.

loathing

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Loathing

I feel so much hate toward myself. I can’t stand it. I am in so much pain that it is driving me crazy. I went to see my pdoc because I needed a refill on my prescription. I was an hour early because I got messed up on the time. I really don’t know what my problem is. I am just going crazy. I have ice on my ankle right now because it is so sore I can barely stand on it anymore. I wish I could say that I did too much but I didn’t. I wore my AFO and still my ankle wouldn’t work on me. I am so depressed.

I told my psychiatrist I took a lot of pain medication and she checked my eyes to see if I took too much. Oh well. I had to take eight pills yesterday just to finally be able to get to sleep at three in the morning. There was no discussion about going into the hospital today. I wasn’t up for it. I was feeling too hopeless that she could help me that I didn’t even bring it up. She gave me some tips on being a writer that I thought was thoughtful of her. We discussed the book a little bit. I still am hoping that in a month I will be ready for it to be published, but we’ll see.

I want to watch the baseball game today but I am already exhausted. My head hurts and I am wicked tired. I also didn’t discuss the out of body experience with her. For the first time in months, I was walking with a cane today. I had to. I am pissed about that too. That walking can be taken away from me just like that. I can’t stand it. It is so frustrating. I have to see my PCP next week to get a refill on my pain meds. I really don’t want to. I know I have gained a few pounds since I last saw him but having your menses just makes you gain weight and messes with your appetite. I haven’t been able to stick with a diet or calorie limits because all I have been craving is cookies and sweets. There are some days that all I will eat are pop tarts, three times a day. I might make an egg but I haven’t felt like it in at least two weeks now. Sure I have been buying take out, which doesn’t help. Yesterday I had Chinese. Today my appetite has been limited so all I have had are some potatoes that my mother cooked for supper and a Starbucks sandwich that I had with my coffee. I don’t feel like eating because nothing tastes good except for cookies.

I’m starting to feel the effects of my meds so I am going to stop here for now. I just hope that my pain levels go down or I am really not going to be happy. In fact I might just be suicidal.

stuck in misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

It’s after midnight and I am still in a lot of pain. I can’t sleep. My foot is throbbing like there is no tomorrow but alas tomorrow is here. I don’t know if I will fall asleep. I just took some more pain meds. That is four pills within two hours. I don’t care. My pain is a ten and I can’t stand it any longer. I feel like my foot is not even mine, that it belongs to someone else. This is the second time that my foot has been through the roof and I have dissociated my body part. I know this isn’t a good thing. I am meeting with my pdoc tomorrow and will discuss this with her. Maybe she can give me some tips to deal with this crap. But I doubt it. She will just reassure me that I am not going crazy, refill my prescription for my antipsychotic that I need, and set up another appointment with her in two weeks. I don’t know why I am going on continuing to suffer like this. I should just end it all. I just need to place a plastic bag over my head. But I don’t want my family finding me like that. I swear that is the only thing that is stopping me. If I had some other method that was less painful for them I might try it. Or if I could get a hotel room that would be better. Ah Ha, the midnight demons have surfaced and I am talking about death again. Funny, I don’t feel like Mr. Hyde. I don’t have the dread feeling I usually do when Hyde takes over. Maybe I am just feeling so badly because I want this pain to stop and it has been hours and it still has not ceased. I came home around four this afternoon. My ankle gave out on me around three. I remember the time because I wanted to catch the dreaded 15:13 bus. But I missed it when I was off trying to figure out what to get for dinner at the meat market.

I haven’t felt this way in over two weeks. I know last week I felt like taking the bottle of pain killers but this week, the pain has been so bad I can’t think straight to kill myself. thing is I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. But I don’t want to live either, so what am I going to do? I have been writing in my journal for the past hour and filled it up. Now I have to move on to another journal. I started that journal in May. I am hoping the new Journal lasts until the end of December. God I hate feeling like this. I feel so useless and hopeless. I really feel like everything is just so dark and gray. I don’t see any colors except black. It is terrible to feel this way. Part of me knows this will pass but another part of me is unsure. I am tempted to call my pdoc. I know that I will see her tomorrow but I am worried about my safety. I took two ativans to try and calm me down and they have not kicked in yet. My foot is so bad that I can’t move my toes and every time I can’t move my toes on my left foot, I panic. I think that CES, cauda equina syndrome is back. I have to keep telling myself that I am not in severe back pain, that I still have control over my leg even though I can’t move my toes, that I am not numb like I should be if I was getting CES again. I am not saying that this is in my head. I know it is not. It’s just that the pain is making me crazy and thinking all this stupid shit. That is why I take the ativan, to help calm me down and stop the endless thought process. But tonight it just doesn’t seem to help me. I am stuck in misery. I can’t get unstuck.

I bought some pens tonight. I got a temporary “high” from my buying powers. I love buying pens. I don’t need them but I just have to have them. I got different colors this time. I usually just buy black pens but they had these cool looking colored pens so I had to get them. I can’t wait till they come in.

I bought a book that my psychiatrist wrote. I haven’t started reading it yet. It is about child mental illness so I am not sure I want to read it. I feel bad for kids that have mental problems, and I don’t mean just ADHD. When I was in college my psych professor had us read about a kid named Gus. He went through many hospitalizations and foster homes because he was depressed and suicidal. he was also a very abused kid. It was tough reading it. I think child abusers should be shot torturously before finally putting a bullet through their head or they should be fed to hogs alive. I have been abused and would so want my abuser to go through the kind of pain that he put me through.

I have been debating going into the hospital for a few weeks now. I am thinking that I might have to and that now is a “good” time to go. I always get really depressed and suicidal around this time of year and it lasts until February usually. It never fails that the middle of September I fall into the pit of depression and I can’t get out of it. It has been this way since 2005. Thing is, I am too lazy this time to actually pack my things like I usually do. I keep putting it off, saying I don’t need to. But I have my menses right now and I hate having to wear female underwear and then having to change pads while in the hospital. You don’t get a bin to throw the pads away and have to use the main bucket in the bathroom so it is really gross to have to do your business then carry the trash with you. Maybe I will go when the menses stop, whenever they do. But I am hoping I will feel better afterwards and I won’t have to do. I have not been in the hospital for over a year. But I know I need to go in. I need my batteries recharged, so to speak. I can’t quite explain the relief I feel when I am in a locked unit in the hospital. Sure it will suck not having my laptop with me but I am hoping I will have my tablet at least. I also hope I will have my headphones with me. that is all that I want. And of course my journal and writing pad. The only thing that will suck is that I will have a shit load of blogs to type up when I get out. I might be able to type up in the hospital on the tablet but I am not sure about internet connection. Course it all depends what kind of unit I get placed into.