Tag: depression

stuck in a black hole

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Well today I thought I had enough spoons to get me through the day of getting coffee and dropping off my return to UPS. Then I decided to be bold to go a little shopping after my coffee to get dinner. I was wrong. I was half way back to the bus stop when my ankle gave out on me. CRAP!! For those that can walk normally, PLEASE PLEASE don’t take this for granted! It is so essential for me to have my own transportation (my feet) that every day that I cannot do something because of pain, makes me so very sad. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus and it took me over twenty minutes to walk home from the bus stop where it normally takes me less than ten minutes. Because I already was in agony, I decided to go to Walgreens to pick up Ocean Spray’s new Cranberry drink, Cran-Lemonade. It is soooo good even my finicky niece loves it!

Dell has been trying to get in touch with me the last two days. If I wasn’t in great pain, I would have answered the call today as my laptop is making a high pitch whine noise that is absolutely driving me fucking crazy. It sounds like a cop car coming but really I think it is the cooling fan starting and stopping. Whatever it is, I did NOT have this problem before I shipped out my laptop. I will try calling them tonight or maybe sending them an email because the morons can’t speak good English. The messages they have left me have been undecipherable. Sorry but if you work for customer service you should have GOOD English speaking skills for an American company!!!

I still am feeling blue. I feel like this huge black cloud is following me every where I go. I don’t “see” colors except for black and gray. I hate being in this world. And I know it is going to pass but that does help for the time being. It sucks being this way. I called my repro endo doc and she is out of the fricken country. Just fricken great. Secretary was able to give me an appointment on Monday, so that is something at least. Hopefully this siege will be over by then. I know that is what is making me feel more miserable than usual. I have decided that I can live with a certain amount of misery in my life. In fact, I expect it. My world has been filled with gray clouds for most of my life so what is the difference if there are black clouds following me. I never see the sun. I am so far away from it that I am just stuck in a black hole.

My battery came close to dying on me today and I had it. It was the last straw. I went back to the extended battery that I have. I just hope it lasts until I can get another one. Damn things are expensive. Sprint has one but it is only slightly bigger than a standard. I got a thicker battery through some website that I am going to have to track down through my Amazon purchases. I buy all my cell phone accessories through Amazon. I love it as you can get really good deals. Too bad I didn’t get a deal on the hundred dollar headphones set I bought. They only work on Apple products. I would have returned them but I didn’t want to go through the hassle so I just kept them. They are good quality headphones but I can’t use the stupid remote it came with. I tried handing them off to my niece and nephew who have iTouch/iPod but they don’t like the earbuds. Kids!

depression and music

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I finally finished my book. Right now it just seems like a hodgepodge of stuff but I don’t care. I will print it out one day next week so I can edit it with a red pen and make changes. I also signed up for Amazon’s self-publish and I think I am going to go with that. It was quick and easy to sign up for. I just don’t know how exactly it is going to work. I know that I will not lose any of my copyrights and will still own my work so I threw in my clinical paper on suicide as the final closing. It know it might be stupid to end the book that way but I really want to get this paper out there because I want people to read it. It has not done so well on my blog sight. I might also put in my most popular blog just as a chapter about CES. Thing is I don’t know how I am going to sell it. But I’ll worry about that when I get closer to publishing it, which I hope will be in a month or so. I have not told my writing partner this. I want to do it on my own first.

Now that I am done, I am sort of depressed. I was depressed most of the day but I think that is because of my stupid menses. Today was a heavy day and it is messing with me so bad. I wish I could just bleed to death and have it be over with it. I did take a shower today, I had to take a shower which meant I couldn’t do anything else today. My foot was too sore already from the last few days. Monday the swelling was so bad that when I took off my sock, I had deep imprints. It took forever for those marks to go away. I also took a lot of pain medication by the end of the night.

I know I should be happy but it’s like when you are reading a good book and you come to the end of it and you are sad…that is what I feel like. I guess it’s a sort of good depression rather than a bad one, if that makes sense. Only thing I am worried about is the editing. I tried it when I was at 50 pgs and failed. I just couldn’t get into it and I know I was skipping words and such, then realized I repeated some stuff and just gave up on the task because it just seemed impossible. I might have a friend that I know is good read it but I don’t know if she would be able to do the 150 pgs. I might have to buy her dinner or something nice as a kind of bribe.

I don’t know why but I asked for another session with my therapist today. This is the third week since she has been back from vacation that I have seen her three times a week. I just feel like I need the extra support right now for some reason. She got my letters about grief and I could tell she wants me to talk about it but she is not pushing me to talk about it. Today we were talking about my appearance as I just sent her a pic to remind her of what I look like. I told her I look disgusting and of course she disagreed. What else is she supposed to say? I know that I have issues with my appearance. I hate the way I look. People think I am attractive but if they only knew how bad I felt inside they wouldn’t think that I am attractive.

Never fails, I get half way through Taylor Swift’s sad beautiful tragic song when I want to change it. By then it’s almost over anyways. It’s probably the only song of hers that I dislike. Oh and speaking of music, I hear some new songs by Pearl Jam today that I really liked so I pre-ordered the new album. I saw a video of Eddie Vedder and man did he change in the last twenty years. He doesn’t look old but you can tell that time been good to him. He is sporting a goatie beard, which I think looks stupid on him and has cut his once beautiful hair. He still can sing though! I can’t wait for the CD to come out. I can’t remember the last time I bought a Pearl Jam cd. I think Vitology was the last album I got. Then it got too metally for my taste.

psychosis rebound?

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

My writing partner and I came to an agreement today about writing. I am glad she meant five days and not five pages a day! I would really struggle writing if I had to spew out five pages a day. It would be a worthwhile effort for both of us, but neither of us would be able to keep at it all the time. We can sometimes barely put together two page, let alone five.

I had time before my mock interview today and wrote like three pages. My fricken phone kept going off with email and text notifications so it was hard to write consistently. I wasn’t writing emotionally charged stuff, just my experience but the distractions were enough for me to feel like it was incoherent. I was writing on a legal pad so I am hoping that while I am typing it into a document, it makes sense and that I can add to it.

I almost made it home in one piece. I went to Walgreens for some snacks and while I was walking down the inclined walkway to go home, my foot exploded. It felt like it wanted to flex into a ball like your hand does. It was so painful and I still had a block and half to go before I was home. It was the slowest walk I ever walked. What normally would take me ten minutes took me twenty. It was so bad that normally I have no problem taking off my pants but I couldn’t. I lost mobility in my foot to kick the pants off me. Just glad I didn’t fall because I don’t have good balance on my right foot when I need it.

Got a call from Dell today. My baby has been shipped home and I should get it tomorrow. I didn’t get any calls about the hard drive (not that I thought it was a drive issue) so I am hoping that all my files are intact. It will be so good to be back on the new one, though I know it will be weird at first. I just got used to the old laptop’s keyboard, which is slightly different than the new one. I will be happy when I know she is safely in my hands again. I can’t wait to take her out to Starbucks sometime this week to finish typing my manuscript. I am almost at the 150 mark. By the end of the week, I should be close to 170 and that is where I plan on ending it for a while. My writing partner just advised me to save it six different places and let it stew for a while before working on it. Trouble is that I have a hard time editing a paper on a computer screen. I might have to go to FedEx and print it out to have it safe or go to staples. It might be cheaper there to print out than FedEx. I will have to do some shopping around as I don’t have a working printer at home. I think my sister does so maybe I can save some $$ there.

The mock interview went fast. I was “seen” for about twenty-five minutes, the shortest time I ever had an interview for. The lady was an older woman, probably in her late fifties, early sixties, and every time she asked a question, I would answer and then lose track of what I was saying so I stopped talking. My pdoc kept calling me a lifesaver, whatever that meant. I did bring up my neurological issues and pain issues. At the end she just recommended that I get compression stockings. The weirdest session I ever had! Even my pdoc was like taken aback. She never worked with her before and I felt bad for her. The guy I had last year, even though he kind of sucked was a better interviewer. He only sucked because he wanted things done on a time limited basis so I felt rushed in answering his questions. Plus we got off on a bad start as I didn’t have an ailment on the top of my head, which seemed to annoy him. This time I was prepared but I am glad I just stuck with ankle pain/inflammation rather than body part dissociation. I don’t think that would have gone over well. She didn’t even seem interested when I brought up my depression. I wanted to bring up suicidal thinking but caught myself. I knew this lady was not going to handle THAT at all. If I was a ball buster, I probably should have but I am not. I think it would have been great but my psych was there and I didn’t want to cause myself to go to the ER with just mentioning it. I so wish I talked about the out of body experience. I could have had so much fun with it. But this lady was so damn dry. I talked about it with my pdoc and she agreed. I hope her day got better. I see her Friday for my regular appointment.

I don’t know why I had such anxiety after this experience or if what I was trying to write stirred some stuff up. I just was really panicky and the voices went berserk on me. They ALL came in on me soon as I was alone, nitpicking everything I did and said during the interview. I didn’t take my antipsychotic last night. I don’t fricken care about side effects but I am taking the full 10 mg tonight. I might even take some trilafon if the stupid door chime I hear before a voice enters doesn’t stop. I know I am exhausted and that just makes it worse but I need to feel like I am in control again.

I’m going to go make myself a cup of Chamomile tea. I need it for its calming effects and to try and get the stupid post nasal drip out of the back of my throat!

Rambling 047

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Not having a good day. I had to make a choice on what to do today again, between getting my coffee or getting something to eat. My ankle was just so angry for some reason today. That in turn made me angry. I hate not being able to do anything more than one thing a day. It is really annoying me but I have no choice but to accept it. I spent the day writing a little bit in my book but could only get a few pages in. I tried a little bit after I took some pain meds and got a few more. So in that sense, I have been productive.

I also am not in a good mood because, as I was predicting, I got my menses today. I don’t know why it is suddenly starting on a Friday like it has the last few times it has started. I will be calling my repro endo doc on Monday to complain to get on something different. I stuck out the patch as long as I could but it just is not working for me. I hate having to go back to a pill but what choice do I have? I felt really depressed before now am feeling worse.

The other day I was carrying a heavy load of groceries and think I pulled some chest muscles. I have been having some muscle spasms in my chest and now I am experiencing pain in the rib area. Just wonderful. Maybe it is a heart attack and I will be lucky to die from it, though I doubt I will be that lucky. It doesn’t hurt when I breathe so that is good.

I really have been trying to lay low today. But I can’t stand staying in my room anymore, though soon as I do leave my room I want to go back. Going up and down the stairs is killing me. I went down to my sister’s apartment today to make my coffee as I needed a cup today. I wanted to try out the K-cup disposable cups I bought, where you put your own coffee in for the Keurig machine. It came out so awesome. I had a cup of my Blue Java that was perfect as if it came from the clover itself. The clover is the individualized coffee maker that Starbucks uses for their premiere coffees. I really have to get the Hawaiian Ka’u coffee now, though I don’t know if I will like it hot. I have not mastered the art of making iced coffee at home. And I have only had this coffee iced. There is a difference in taste between hot and iced. I noticed it the first time I had one coffee hot and the next day I had it iced. I mostly have been having iced coffee because the hot is sometimes too strong. But then that is my preference.

I belong to a baseball group on Facebook. One of the members really pissed me off today. She wanted to have just one thread going for bitching about the game tomorrow as it is not on the regular network. I mostly have been listening to the game most of the time. I have to keep my foot elevated and I find it hard to do if I am sitting on the couch. Least while I am in my room, I can recline on my bed better than I can on the couch. I don’t mind listening to it. Some times the announcers get annoying but so can those on TV.

I watched my niece tonight and we watch Pooh’s Heffalump movie. It was cute. I miss watching it. Then she wanted to watch Bevery Hills Chihuahua 2 movie and I almost fell asleep. Movie was do dull. My niece was narrating the movie as she has seen it a thousand times, which was annoying me. I don’t like Chihuahuas. I think they are a rat dog that are yappers. Soon as my brother in law came home I went upstairs.