I knew it was going to happen and it did. I crashed into the bottomless pit of depression the other day and can’t seem to pull myself out. I go through my daily routine of getting coffee but it’s so hard to do when all I want to do is stay in my A/C’d room. It is wicked hot in the house and even worse outside.
A friend of mine just came back from Brazil and wants to make plans with me but I don’t feel much for socializing. It takes such an effort to get out of bed and do the hygiene of showering and brushing my teeth. I get exhausted so easily when I feel this way. Everything is an effort. Even my writing is an effort.
The quote that I wrote yesterday in my blog about being the most miserable man living is accurate. I do feel that it is impossible for things to get better. I feel I must die as that is the only way out of this misery. But I don’t see how I can do that. I want things to end but have no real clue as to get them done. Well, I mean, I know the hows to die. Drugs, rope, razor, etc. But the thing that is stopping me is that I don’t have a place to do it. I need a secluded place, like a hotel room or some where isolated. I had a spot during my childhood I could go but now they have turned it into a park. I am so mad that my one secluded place on the planet is now a friggen park. They don’t have much there, just a place to sit down and enjoy the water. No fancy playground or anything of the sort. Just benches and grass. It used to be tall weeds and nothing. The perfect place to do the unthinkable, least to me it was.
I have thought of other places to do the deed but without a car to get there, they may as well be a million miles from where I live. So I am stuck here. What got Lincoln through his depression in 1841 was knowing he had a purpose in his life to achieve. I don’t know if he thought of the presidency then. But he definitely wanted to be in his legislation of his times. That is one reason why I love him. He was able to get through the thickest of depressions and though he remained melancholic throughout his lifetime he still pushed on. I know that I will get through this depression. I usually do. But sitting with it is so damn tough. I get impulsive. I get the urge to do something harmful to myself. But I fight it off the best I can with distraction and what little coping skills I have learned through the years. Music to me has been the greatest. I know you are probably supposed to listen to “happy” music but I find listening to the lyrics of sad music helps me get through. It takes my mind off my problems and think of things or helps me to write better because I can focus on something other than my misery.
Just got a tweet from the current prez of the AAS. I haven’t seen him post his unsuicide campaign in a while and wanted to say hi. While it is a worthwhile campaign, I don’t think you can truly stop every suicide. Sure the Lifeline hotline (800-273-TALK (8255)) does help people. But it doesn’t capture every single one that truly needs help. Siri has now added this lifeline to their questions about death and suicide. I know a lot of people have iPhones more than any other but why can’t google/Android have the same. I just spoke “ways to die” on my phone and got directed towards a veteran’s hotline. The rest were truly ways to die rather than seeking help. I think this is useful but not when someone is in a crisis. I know because I have been there and the last thing on my mind was to call for help.
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