Tag: depression

tired 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Was listening to the baseball game but I can’t listen to it anymore. Sox had a 3-0 lead and they gave it up. They got another run but the Blue Jays came back and are now 4-3, with my sox still in the lead. I hate it when the score goes back and forth. I changed the station to country and now am listening to country music.

I still am tired despite sleeping most of the day. It’s really hot and humid today. I have the A/C cranking and I am just trying to stay cool, even though it means staying in my room. I have to take a shower today but am not looking forward to it with this humidity. I will have to do it anyways because I have to put the patch on.

Since I am feeling tired, I don’t feel depressed. I also don’t feel suicidal. But yet I feel the need to commit it. I woke up with the feelings of dread and wishing I was dead. It has been a while since I woke up feeling that way. I hope it doesn’t happen tomorrow.

Last night I had a hard time going to sleep despite feeling wicked tired. I kept on coughing every time I laid down. I was so congested. I didn’t end up going to sleep until 2 in the morning so I guess that is why I am kind of tired today. I hate feeling so tired. Think I am going to take another nap.

Rambling 44

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Been wondering what to write all evening. Nothing happened today. I have been very tired for some reason. Even my father, who is a narcisstic bastard, noticed that I wasn’t myself. Maybe I am just depressed. I have given up trying to force a smile when I don’t feel like it.

Today was my nephew’s birthday BBQ and graduation party. I stayed for most of it, got some sun out in the yard. But all I wanted to do was go back to my cool bedroom and sleep. I don’t know why I am so tired. I slept pretty good. But my throat is feeling a little sore so I might not be over the viral infection like I thought I was. It has been almost a month now since I got sick. Doc gave me a list of things to do, from drinking fluids to gargling with salt. Home remedies. But I hate gargling with salt because it makes me sick. Least my voice is back and the cough is away for now. I just wish I could get rid of the congestions that I have been having. Antihistamines have helped. But I still sneeze.

The other day I bought Starbucks refreshers for home. I love it. It is supposedly caffeinated but I don’t feel it. I had almost two glasses of the stuff and I am still sleepy. I drank it mostly to keep hydrated. I know I should just stick with water but I have a tendency to go to the bathroom more when drinking water than other types of fluid. I retain fluids better than I can with water alone. I dilute my drink anyway.

I didn’t have my coffee today. I wonder if that is why I feel so run down. I am going to bed now. I have to because I am falling asleep at the keyboard.

Until next time.

Pain is NOT my Friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain

Pain is not my friend

Most people have pain for a good reason. They break a bone, there is an infection, they stubbed a toe. But my pain is not because of that. It is because my nerves were damaged by a disc fragment that I am hurting and even though the disc is no longer pressing on my nerves, I still have the pain.

Tonight this pain is keeping me up. I think it has to do with the temperature change and thunderstorms that have moved into my area. I am like a human barometer. I am so tired that I am kind of falling asleep while typing this but the pain is preventing me from actually going to sleep. I have not had this type of pain in a few weeks. I almost forgot what pain was like. Now I remember and I don’t like it. I want it to go away again and let me live my life even if I was depressed and unhappy. Being in pain is horrible. It drains what ever energy you feel.

Even though I felt ok for a few weeks, I kind of missed the pain. Not in a masochistic sense. Just that after dealing with this for over two years, it felt weird NOT being in pain. Felt like something was missing and I just couldn’t figure out what that was. I had gotten so used to the pain being there all the time that without it, I was lost. Could I walk a little farther than I wanted to? Sure and I did. No pain afterwards. Today I walked a little farther and I think that is what caused the flare up. I don’t know if this pain is staying or going. I hope that it is going because I was really getting used to not being in pain again. Now I have to worry about things, like how long it will take for a shower. Just how many spoons it will take to do my daily routine. Even now I can’t find a comfortable spot to rest my foot without pain. And my foot/ankle is screaming at me. I am not doing anything to aggravate it. It is just resting on a pillow as I am typing this. I don’t have it elevated as I probably should because it will make typing a little difficult. But even then I don’t have relief. I wish the pain was telling me something but it is not. There is no bruising. No redness. Not even so much as a little swelling to indicate to me what I should do to relieve the pain other than to take pain medication as I have done. That is the MOST frustrating part of this whole complex regional pain syndrome. It is a difficult diagnosis to explain and I don’t even know the beginning to try to explain it. Other than my nerves have become so damaged it doesn’t know anything else except to hurt. And you can’t touch it with anything. Socks or even your hand will make the pain worse. I tried putting on a brace to steady it because it just felt like it needed it. It did help for a little while but then the pressure of the elastic was too much and I had to take it off. Soon as I did, the pain intensity increased. My ankle hates me and all I did that set it off was moving my big toe to stretch it out. Stupid I know. But really? Probably not. I am sure lots of people can move their big toe without pain or causing their entire foot to go haywire. But that is what I deal with. Every day. Every night. Pain is not my friend.

Rambling 43

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders

Been trying to get some writing in the past half hour but I have been procrastinating by going on twitter, Facebook, listening to the radio, etc. I haven’t written a blog in over a day. I know I posted yesterday but I wrote that the day before. I don’t know why writing can come so easy sometimes and harder at other times.

I have to pick up my niece in about a half hour. I sometimes get overwhelmed with her because I don’t know what to do with her. We usually watch a movie or TV together. But then she gets hungry and all I really know how to make is scrambled eggs. Lame I know. I know she will be hungry so maybe I will order a pizza or something. I have been looking forward to pizza from Papa Johns the last few weeks. It costs a little more than the local pizzeria but to me it tastes a little better. Plus, I have been looking for a way to reward myself since writing the difficult blog over the weekend. I sent it to my therapist as I couldn’t even read it to her the other day, that’s how difficult it was.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I am laying out my cards to tell her everything that I have been thinking about the past few months. I know I have placed the date off for now but that doesn’t mean that something won’t happen between now and then to change my mind. My friend in Chicago finally read my message to him about my planning and he says that I can’t kill myself. He asked what he can do to help me but there is nothing he can do, other than to be there when I need him to be. I know he will follow through. He is one of my best friends. We have been friends for over fifteen years so I know he isn’t going anywhere.

I got mentioned in a Facebook status today. Normally it is for something silly but this time it was for being who I was. This person that I met only through the mutual game we play, mentioned me as being an interesting person and wanting to keep me on as a friend as she was deleting her friends because she no longer can keep up with this game. I feel honored by this post. It made me feel really good that someone who barely knows me thinks of me as interesting and wants to keep me on as a friend. I know she reads my blog, so I thank you.

Today I was disappointed in one of my apps, InTune Radio on my phone. I was so pissed that I turned into my favorite radio station and all I got was commercials for the first few minutes. Then half way through my favorite song, the damn thing goes awry with buffering and I lose it! I get buffered back in only to lose signal on the way home with another song! I tried shutting the damn thing off but it wouldn’t so I had to manually turn the app off. I went back to listening my mp3 app. So much for listening to the radio. Thank goodness I don’t pay extra for that data that I lost or was attempting to get. My phone then acted up with losing signal. I tried updating my twitter and couldn’t get a damn signal. I said the hell with 4G and went back to 3G. I haven’t had a problem with my phone since switching. So weird. I know I am not a technical savvy person to comment but shouldn’t 4G be better than 3G?? Either that or my phone is crapping out because it needs to be upgraded. But the phone is only a year old so why bother. It does what I want it to do and since I removed the Go Locker app, it has been working fine. It doesn’t freeze up like it did. I liked that it had a Stargate screen but it’s not worth my phone freezing up.

My mood has been back to its baseline the last few days. I am back to being depressed. I knew the ups were not going to last too long. They never do.