Tag: depression

I don’t get nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t get nerve pain

Truly I don’t. My room got freezing cold because I had the a/c cranked because it’s hot outside. My foot gets freezing ice cold, even under the blankets and a pillow so I put a sock on it. Now it is warmed up and hurts like holy hell. I am so sick of this shit. I know I put off my suicidal plan but it is back on again. I am not going to live with this shit. No fucking way. I didn’t do anything to my foot though it feels like someone is stomping on it. I have it up on a pillow and it still hurts. I just don’t get nerve pain. I was doing good all day. I thought today might be a day that I won’t have to take my pain medication but NOOOOOOO. My foot had other plans.

But such is my life with CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). Thing is other than my foot getting really cold and then really hot, I don’t have any other symptoms other than pain. My foot doesn’t change color. It doesn’t swell up like it used to. I just have this exploding pain that comes for no reason. While I am at REST, when I want to go to SLEEP. And the pain isn’t the same. Sometimes it is exploding. Sometimes it is like it is in a vise. Other times it feels like some one is taking a hammer to each individual bone and trying to crush it. It is agonizing. Other times, if it’s not the bones in my foot, it is my ankle bone, the lateral malleolus. This is right where my peroneous tendons are. I have chronic tendonitis of these tendons. And they hurt big time. And when this pain starts it is like someone is driving an ice pick right through my ankle bone. It starts off the same way as my bones in my foot. They get really cold even though to the touch they are warm. Then it gets warm and it hurts like fucking hell. All I know is that I can’t sleep when I am in pain despite taking the meds because then my anxiety creeps in and it’s all over.

See, when my Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) started, way back when, it started in my left leg/ankle. So now I have a bad association with pain in my ankle flaring up and me thinking I am going to get CES again, which is worse than the pain in my foot! I could lose total function of my bowels and bladder, my back could go out, I could lose motor function of my legs and end up in a wheel chair. It’s not pretty. But it is what I fear because I have a disc in my back that can make this happen at any time. I have been living with this fear for the past few years and it especially troubles me that the disc touches the nerve roots that control all these things but the docs won’t do any type of surgery because there is no compression. So I live in fear instead. My anxiety goes up and it takes an Ativan to get me to calm the hell down and music to put me to sleep (sometimes). I usually have my anxiety in check but when I am in serious pain, like now, it takes forever to calm down from it. I have to constantly move my toes or realize they are there and not numb to make me feel better. But sometimes during these flare ups, I can’t move my toes and that just sends the anxiety up to panic mode. But as long as I can move my hip, leg and ankle, I know that I am ok. But living with this anxiety is no fun. It drains you like no tomorrow.

Meds are kicking in so I will stop here for now. For those that read this, know that you are not alone with your symptoms.

everything is a bother

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Should have stayed home

I should have stayed home today than embrace this hot weather just to get an iced coffee at Starbucks. I didn’t think it would be too bad out but I was wrong. Least it wasn’t humid out. I can take the dry heat but not the humidity.

I got my coffee and then contemplated how I was going to get home as there is no bus from the square to my house. I had to finagle things.

I became psychotic again last night. I don’t know why I am having break through psychotic symptoms. I am not stressed to the max or anything. It is weird. I also have been having weird dreams. I fell asleep earlier than usual last night and woke up around 0230. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0430. I don’t know if I blogged another blog or not. I didn’t. I guess this heat is making me crazy even with the a/c cranked. I hope I don’t have another episode before I see my pdoc on Friday. Maybe she can make sense of it. I sure can’t.

I am glad I am home and in my room. I need to take a shower but that can wait for now. I have to do it before tonight as I need to change patches. I hate taking a shower in the heat. Even though we have a cooling fan it doesn’t do much but blow around the hot air.

My therapist never texted me back on what I was to write on. Bugger. I will yell at her tomorrow when I talk with her. I still have had fleeting thoughts of dying. Today while waiting for the bus stop I am not familiar with, I was hoping someone would kill me. Just slice my throat open or shoot me. I mean those things happen all the time, why can’t it happen to me. It would save me the trouble of trying to kill myself. I once thought of hiring someone to kill me but I don’t think I could ever raise enough funds to do that. I know my life isn’t worth much to begin with but to someone who would end up in jail because they took my life, might mean more than just a few hundred dollars.

I got my annual retirement statement from my work. I don’t know what to do with it now. It’s not like I can touch the money without penalty. And even if I did, I bet the US treasury would want some for my student loans. But I don’t think they can touch it. I hope not anyways or I will have nothing. Course if I kill myself, it doesn’t matter anyways.

I want to read but I don’t know what to read. I have books piled on my bed and around my bed. All I have to do is choose one and I can’t even do that. Decision are so hard when you have a deep depression. I’m so glad I don’t have to work for now because I HATED having to choose my attire for the day. Not like I had to get dressed up. But I hated choosing which color jeans and what socks to wear (black or white, ankle or tube, etc.) My friend just told me to grab the closest one and usually I did that. I would sometimes wear the same jeans all week because I didn’t want to bother with emptying the pockets for another pair. I have to carry my pens, wallet, change (if I felt like it), and money. I never carry my money in my wallet. I don’t think anyone does. It’s just a safety measure I learned while living in Boston.

I feel really down despite having an ok day. I really want to take a nap right now but I am fighting it. I am exhausted from my trip today just to get my coffee but also from not sleeping through the night and waking up at fricken nine. I finally gave up around ten and got out of bed to have breakfast. Then went out of this stupid coffee. Starbucks is coming out with a home iced brewing system. I am thinking about getting it so that on days like today I don’t have to leave the house. Course I don’t know if I can have some counter space in the kitchen. My mother has this coffee pot, Gevalia, that she never uses but yet it has to be on the counter. If I get this brewing system, it could go there. It would be so nice to make iced coffee at home. I have a French press that I use for hot coffee but it’s a pain to clean because it doesn’t have a filter. When you clean it, you get the grounds all over the place except the bucket. Least that is my luck.

Maybe I should go back on antidepressant. Trouble is that I have been on all of them and each one has upset my stomach. After a few months, I get nauseous in the morning and sometimes I vomit if it gets too bad. I thought at first it was something wrong with my stomach but tests have not shown anything wrong. Once I stopped the antidepressant, the nausea stopped too. And I was taking the lowest dose possible. It sucks. I am glad the mood stabilizer doesn’t give me any side effects other than drowsiness. It also helps my appetite in check. I don’t know how but I lost another few pounds. Course I have not been eating that much lately. I mostly just have been eating cereal and sometimes eggs, if I am up to making them. I used to eat eggs all the time until the depression hit me bad. Now it’s too much of a bother. Everything is too much of a bother.

I think I’ll go back to reading Team of Rivals…

psychosis while reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychosis, writing

Just wrote a few pages for my book. I don’t know if it will ever get finished or published but it is a start. I add to it every now and then. I should edit it a little bit to add more to it but then I might want to scrap the whole thing.

I got to my Starbucks and am having my Kati Kati coffee. It’s so good, I might get another one before I go. But I think one coffee per day is my limit. Otherwise I might have a night like last night where I was up most of the night. But it wasn’t because I was restless, it was because I was in pain. The pain finally settled down around three in the morning. I fell asleep shortly there after.

I started writing about my past in the book. And about my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder. I am not sure I can explain it as I don’t understand it too well myself. But it is basically episodes of hypomania and severe depression, mostly severe depression as the hypomania come infrequently. I have had this diagnosis since I was sixteen. I thought it was just due to a medication reaction (Prozac made me hyper and crazy) but when it lingered long after the half-life, I knew that I had it. But I still have the psychosis that is inherent in my illness. I have been having voices since I was five years old. It’s hard to explain how the voices evolved. But they are still with me and they are not my voices. I know because usually when I read, there is a man voice that reads with me. When I don’t hear this voice then I know it is my voice reading. I once asked my therapist if she hears a voice while she is reading and she says that she doesn’t. I find that odd. I thought everyone had a voice that changes with the way that the book’s words go. I guess I am truly psychotic.

Last night while I was reading it was difficult because I didn’t hear a voice. I don’t know if it was because I was too tired to read or that I just didn’t want to get into the book. I finally gave up after reading for a half hour. I am tempted not to take my meds to see if the voices to do come back while I read. It does make for interesting reading when the voice changes when there is dialog in the book. Usually I hear a man’s voice narrate as I read. He wasn’t there last night and I found it odd. I tried to imagine voices while I read but it just took more effort to try and pay attention to what I was reading. It was very difficult concentrating.

sleepless night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Listened to the Sox win the game. I can’t sleep. It is too hot in my room despite the A/C cranked. My ankle is killing me and I just took an Ativan to try and calm down as my thoughts are squirrelly. It’s going to be a long week as the Red Sox are on the west coast this week which means the games are going to be late ones. I have not missed a game all season, though I might have fallen asleep during one or two. Listening to monotone voices will do that.

I miscalculated my numbers for reaching 10,000 views for my blog. Unless I can get 40 views per day over the next two weeks, I am not going to reach it. My average is 20 views per day so I seriously doubt it is going to happen. But, stranger things have happened. I got 143 views in a single day. If that happens again, I will be in good shape. The nice things about knowing the stats is where the views come from. Today I had about 10 different countries looking at my blog. Usually I just have the US, Canada, the UK, and sometimes Australia. Today I had those four plus Bolivia, Belgium, and India. I forget the other countries.

I hate it when I can’t sleep. It makes me really restless and the more I try to sleep the more restless I get. Which is why I am writing. Sometimes writing will calm me down enough to sleep. I don’t feel racy. My thoughts are just going around in circles because my ankle pain is driving me nuts. I had a deep stabbing pain earlier this evening and now my ankle and foot are on fire. I can’t seem to find a comfy position to put my foot. I am a side sleeper and usually sleeping on my right side will ease the pain but not tonight. So I switch and that makes it worse. I can’t sleep on my back because I will have to raise my feet up so my back doesn’t hurt. And I am too lazy to grab my trapezoid foam cushion to put my legs up. I know I am making excuses. But it’s tough being in pain this late at night. If I am not asleep by two thirty in the morning, I will take another dose of my pain meds. I can’t take anymore right now because it will be too early.

Because of my suicidality, I have been thinking of going in the hospital but there is no way that I can. Not with the way my current pain med prescription is written. I will only have one pill every six hours. That is not going to do me any good, especially when I am in this amount of pain. And if I get a flare up in the hospital, which I most certainly will, I will be beyond screwed. I know I did too much today and now I am paying the price. I hope tomorrow will be better but it already is tomorrow.

My mood still sucks. I still feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I hate it. I have tried to get out of it a few times today but it seems every time I try, the deeper I am sucked in. I have listened to good music to try and keep my spirits up but it has done nothing for me. Just made me think more about why I am single and not in a relationship. Made me think of my ex-girlfriend who I know I hurt once again. I have been meaning to try and text her but I know it is probably for the best that I leave her be. I miss her though. I miss talking to her. But she is crazier than I am. Because of this, I broke up with her again. She just doesn’t realize that she is hurting herself in ways and I can’t be around that. I have tried to point it out to her several times and still she goes back to the same behavior so I put an end to our relationship. It was difficult to do but it had to be done.

Maybe that is why I am depressed. I have not told anyone about how I feel about losing her. Everyone has told me to dump her, that she isn’t good for me. But yet I have not told anyone how much it hurts being apart from her. I know she isn’t good for me and I am probably not good for her, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings got hurt in the process. We have known each other since high school. It really hurts to see this relationship end because of differences of opinion and her wanting to be the victim all the time. And she not taking care of herself. That is what killed me. We are 90 miles away from each other and I couldn’t be there for her even if I wanted to. And another reason why I ended it. No long distance relationship lasts.

I guess I will stop here as it is approaching 2 am.