Tag Archives: nerve pain

ankle throbs yet the heart aches

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.

Really annoyed

I’ve been trying to sleep the past 2 hours but every time I lie down, my ankle and/or foot acts up. So I take something and that particular pain goes away only to be replaced by another pain in a different area of my foot or ankle. It is driving me nuts. Right now I have a brace on my foot. I had some medical tape on. That helped some of the pain until I moved my foot upward. Every time I move it, I’m in excruciating pain. It makes me want to die right then and there. I pound my pillow and I moan. No one can hear me. My mother is sleeping and deaf.

I posted a pic on Instagram with the brace on. I posted suicidal. I hope the cops don’t show up at my door tomorrow. I don’t know why I did that. I’m going to take it down. I don’t want trouble. Fuck. I am pointing my ankle downwards and I’m hurting. WTF. I’ve had enough of this bullshit.

I’m canceling my PT appt for today. The weather calls for flooding rain. I don’t want to go out just to get soaked waiting for the bus. I’ll email my PT after I cancel to let her know why so she doesn’t think I’m blowing her off. If I had a car, it would be different. Traveling by public transportation sucks sometimes.

I think the Zoloft is causing me to be nauseous. I had lowered by dose last week and was doing fine until tonight. I had to take a zofran to get rid of the feeling. I really dont want to puke. I’ve been on Zoloft for a year and a half or so. I’m not surprised it is making me sick. That was why I had to come off it. Most SSRIs cause nausea with me. When I see my doc next week, I’m going to ask her to possibly switch to something else, maybe venflexitine (Effexor). It has been the only drug I haven’t been on. I might have to have a break between meds or it could cause serotonin syndrome, which is not fun.

I took neurontin tonight to help with the burning. I hate when the physical pain is gone and it is replaced by nerve pain. I was reading an article about how there are few meds that help with nerve pain. What pissed me off was that it didn’t say what meds worked. Left you feeling like what is the purpose of the damn article. Hate that.

I had to put lidocaine on my big toe because it was acting up. I don’t know why some nights the top of it really hurts like it is being torn apart.

I hate when I am so very tired yet I can’t fricken sleep because of pain. I’ve taken all that I can. Just wish it would let up a little so I could sleep. I can imagine what my sleep study is going to be like. Always takes me forever to settle down to sleep. I even took an extra Ativan and I’m still up. Pain just doesn’t care what I take. Pisses me off. Think I’m going to brush my teeth. I need to go to the bathroom anyway. Stupid bladder! Walking downstairs is going to be fun. I need an immobilizer for my ankle so it doesn’t move. Maybe that will help. I just need it at night because that is when the pain is worse.

Productive Sunday

Productive Sunday

I woke up around 10. I took my BP meds and antibiotic. I should have taken my pain meds but I wasn’t in too much pain. I wanted coffee so I got dressed to go to the store to get some half and half. While I was drinking my coffee, I read some Tom Sawyer. Around noon, I was getting hungry so made something to eat. My foot and mouth were hurting so I took some pain meds as well.

I found out my favorite announcer, Jerry Remy, was going to be on the radio today as NESN, the sports channel for the Sox, were honoring him for his 30 years of service. He isn’t in the booth right now because he had a recurrence of lung cancer. This is his 4th time getting it. He is confident that he will beat it and be back to the booth next year. I listened to the game. They won 5-1 over the Yanks and currently hold a five game lead over them in the AL East standings. I am proud of my boys.

After the game, my foot was hurting me and I was getting drowsy. My mother told me that they would be working on the water pipes this week so the water might be rusty. I decided to take a shower to see if that would wake me up. It made me tired. I didn’t want to nap because I think I am back to my sleep schedule. I took some strong pain meds to try and quiet my foot down but it didn’t make a difference.

I read some more of Tom Sawyer until I finished the book. I feel accomplished as that was one of my goals for the weekend was to finish a book and I did it. I had started a new one last night by Lawrence Block called Sins of the Father. I read it before but forgot what it was about. I read the first chapter and I still don’t remember too much about it. Guess I’ll find out when I read more. I also started Rumble Fish by SE Hinton. I should fly with that book. It is an easy read. When I finish that book, I will read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. It’s the only Harry Potter book I haven’t read. It’s all dialogue as it’s a play. Kind of like reading Shakespeare. I hope it is easy reading.

I need to sleep tonight so I hope this pain goes away soon. I might have to take some more strong pain pills. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. I forgot to take my antibiotic at dinner so I will again be late in taking it. Last night I fell asleep before I took it. I was hoping to wake up before midnight but I didn’t. I woke up around 0330 because my bladder needed to be emptied. Then the pain started. I am getting really despondent about this pain business. I really don’t know how to live like this anymore. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to go back to work or get my degree. But chances of either of those happening is like winning the lottery.

My laptop screen is getting worse. I keep on getting glitches. I need to get it repaired. Luckily I know someone that does computer work so he is going to help me fix it. I really don’t want to send my laptop back to Dell for $300. I need to save some money from now on so I can change my name by my birthday.

I got a busy week this week. I see my therapist tomorrow. I don’t have an agenda of things to talk about. I’ll probably just ramble for 45 minutes and then he’ll say “see you next week”. I honestly don’t know why I bother. If I had any brains, I should have cancelled last week when I had the chance.

I have a hefty grocery bill this month because my mother wanted some things. My stuff alone was around $200 as I had to order ingredients for the things I wish to bake. Plus her things and it’s like $230, the most I have ever spent on groceries. Guess I won’t be eating out this month. I’m going to try and order Chinese food because I haven’t had it in a while. It all depends on what is left over once all my bills are paid. I won’t know until Friday as that is when everything clears. I just hope I have at least $20 so I can get another haircut. I messed it up again when I was shaving the sides and back. It’s all grown back as my hair grows fast but I like it down to the skin.

I took some Neurontin as my foot is going berserk. The whole thing is burning something awful. I hope I sleep late tomorrow so I don’t spend unnecessary hours at Starbucks like I have in the past. I want to leave my house at 2 so I can have my espresso and a sandwich and write a little bit in my journal before catching the train to see my therapist. It’s supposed to be hot tomorrow, yuck. But I guess it is to be expected. There is also an eclipse sometime tomorrow. That will be interesting. I hope I am indoors when it happens. Luckily, Boston is not in the projected path.

my psych finally called me back

My psych finally called back

My psychiatrist called me back as I was walking home from Walgreens. I picked up my script as I didn’t want to go there tomorrow. We talked about my Neurontin usage. She doesn’t want me to use it as a knock out drug but to get relief from my neuropathy pain. We discussed dosing several times a day, as long as I can tolerate it. She didn’t want me to take more than 1800 mg a day, but I was free to play with how ever I needed to to get to that amount a day. I still am figuring it out as my dose is really dependent on my pain levels. It’s how I have been taking this drug for years. I have to call or email her tomorrow to let her know how it goes.

I am not sure if I am going to go out after my dentist appointment or not. I will bring my bag with me just in case. I need to go to the bank tomorrow so I might go to the Square. My checking account is overdrawn so I need to put in funds before I am charged a fee.

Both ankles are hurting me and I am upset about it. I think I need to buy new sneakers as the ones that I have are really irritating me. I haven’t bought sneakers in more than three years so I am due for some new ones. I just wish they weren’t so damn expensive. Even at the outlet store I go to is the same as online, which doesn’t make sense. Usually the outlets are cheaper than online. I always get the same kind of style, which I might have to change. I wish I could get this stupid lump off my Achilles. I wouldn’t be in pain if I didn’t have it.

I had some chips when I came back home as I was hungry. I wish I didn’t because now my stomach is upset. They were the regular chips not the unsalted kind that I usually buy.

I am really tired from walking around so I probably will be taking my meds early and going to bed early, I hope. The last few nights I have taken my meds later than I usually do, which sucks because I am up late if I do. Thing is, I can’t stand right now so need to wait for the pain to subside a little before grabbing my night meds. I forgot to grab them before getting comfy on my bed. I wanted to shower tonight but that isn’t happening. I will take one tomorrow morning. I’ll need to shave my head again anyways.

I need to change my sheets this weekend. It’s going to be a pain in the ass like it always is. I have to mentally prepare myself for doing the task or it just won’t get done. I need to clean off my office side of the bed. I some how accumulated 4 baseball hats on my bed. Don’t know how that happened. I put away my meds that were on my bed in their respective places. I am set for the month, or should be anyway.

So much for reading or watching STTNG tonight. I just don’t have the brain power like I did a few hours ago. I am feeling really worn down. Pain will do that. It’s an energy sucker, just draining all that you have every single day.

Saturday Blog 83

Saturday Blog 83

I woke up at 4 because my bladder woke me up. I had a hard time going back to sleep so I stayed up for a little bit. When I did go back, I woke up late and didn’t want to get out of bed. I forced myself out of bed, went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I then decided to make coffee. I made the last of Casi Cielo. Coffee was so good. When it comes out next year, I am buying two bags.

It was almost 1130 by the time I finished brewing my coffee. I had to go to the post office to send back my new Bluetooth headset. I brought the coffee with me as I wasn’t done with it and I didn’t want to let it get cold. I then went to a drug store to see if I could get biofreeze for my pain. It was really expensive there so I didn’t get it. The price of the lidocaine had gone up. I think I paid less than $10 for the one I have now. Now the price is over $10 and up for the various sizes. I didn’t buy anything, though I did contemplate buying my mother some flowers that they had. I couldn’t decide which pot to buy so I just left. It was really warm in the store and when I left the store I took off the shirt I was wearing. It was too heavy for the weather.

I came home and read the CBT book. I finished reading the chapter I started the other day. There is a lot of information in this chapter so I might have to read it again when I take notes on it for my review. After reading the chapter I decided to make some lunch. My mother is at a birthday party so I am left to my own devices. I think I might make a bacon sandwich for supper or I might make a PB&J. I haven’t really decided what to make. I haven’t made bacon in a while.

I have been listening to Linkin Park since yesterday. I am in that kind of mood. Their music just hits the feels, if you know what I mean. It’s good music to just get lost in and forget things.

I want to take a nap. I am in a lot of pain, in one form or another and it’s tiring me out. It’s really depressing me because there is nothing I can do for one of the pains that I feel because it’s nerve pain. I am also depressed because I know that I can’t walk to my “suicide spot”. I realized this on Thursday when I had my bad flare up. I’m either going to have to take a cab there or do it at home, which I don’t want to do. I really don’t want to be found by a family member.

I just made a PB&J sandwich and when I said as much on Twitter, a new Indian restaurant in Cambridge tweeted me back. I have been dying to have Chicken Tikki Masala. I might have to check them out. I wish I knew someone that liked Indian food would go with me. Maybe I can have my friend come with me if I can steal him away from his girlfriend.