am still around. Haven’t looked at saws on Amazon, yet. Foot is acting up and my mother is being noisy as hell. Fuck! Had a rough night sleeping. I am tired as fuck. Bowels are exploding. No idea why. Just took meds to sleep the day away. Don’t care because my alternative isn’t pretty. I am sick of being in pain 24/7. Just fucking shoot me now. I can’t go on like this and the weather is going to be painful as hell. So this is how my morning is going. Back in the gutter. Putting plan in motion when I wake up. So tired of insomnia, no pun intended. Ok enough rambling, for now
Never thought I would ever be on so many meds for one illness. If it was for my mental illness that would be one thing. But for chronic pain there are like 4 or 5 plus patches and gels and ointments. I’m tired of taking them when flares hit. And there is nothing I can do but let the pain be a 20/10 and hope morning comes so the hell will be over. A family member once said you are on pain medicine, why are you still in pain? Because it is not the pain it was meant to be dealt with. Nerve pain is different than physical pain. Then you have the pain go away and another pops up in another place on your fucking foot or ankle. Chronic pain sucks and need different things to keep it in check and then there is nothing to keep it in check. It just is. That is what CRPS is. Complex regional pain syndrome. So I am off taking another pill that might work. And if it doesn’t or changes to something else, go through the list. So exhausting. This is why I constantly think of death. I have no strength left
Ankle throbs yet the heart aches
My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.
I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.
I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.
I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.
I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.
The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.
I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.
I’ve been trying to sleep the past 2 hours but every time I lie down, my ankle and/or foot acts up. So I take something and that particular pain goes away only to be replaced by another pain in a different area of my foot or ankle. It is driving me nuts. Right now I have a brace on my foot. I had some medical tape on. That helped some of the pain until I moved my foot upward. Every time I move it, I’m in excruciating pain. It makes me want to die right then and there. I pound my pillow and I moan. No one can hear me. My mother is sleeping and deaf.
I posted a pic on Instagram with the brace on. I posted suicidal. I hope the cops don’t show up at my door tomorrow. I don’t know why I did that. I’m going to take it down. I don’t want trouble. Fuck. I am pointing my ankle downwards and I’m hurting. WTF. I’ve had enough of this bullshit.
I’m canceling my PT appt for today. The weather calls for flooding rain. I don’t want to go out just to get soaked waiting for the bus. I’ll email my PT after I cancel to let her know why so she doesn’t think I’m blowing her off. If I had a car, it would be different. Traveling by public transportation sucks sometimes.
I think the Zoloft is causing me to be nauseous. I had lowered by dose last week and was doing fine until tonight. I had to take a zofran to get rid of the feeling. I really dont want to puke. I’ve been on Zoloft for a year and a half or so. I’m not surprised it is making me sick. That was why I had to come off it. Most SSRIs cause nausea with me. When I see my doc next week, I’m going to ask her to possibly switch to something else, maybe venflexitine (Effexor). It has been the only drug I haven’t been on. I might have to have a break between meds or it could cause serotonin syndrome, which is not fun.
I took neurontin tonight to help with the burning. I hate when the physical pain is gone and it is replaced by nerve pain. I was reading an article about how there are few meds that help with nerve pain. What pissed me off was that it didn’t say what meds worked. Left you feeling like what is the purpose of the damn article. Hate that.
I had to put lidocaine on my big toe because it was acting up. I don’t know why some nights the top of it really hurts like it is being torn apart.
I hate when I am so very tired yet I can’t fricken sleep because of pain. I’ve taken all that I can. Just wish it would let up a little so I could sleep. I can imagine what my sleep study is going to be like. Always takes me forever to settle down to sleep. I even took an extra Ativan and I’m still up. Pain just doesn’t care what I take. Pisses me off. Think I’m going to brush my teeth. I need to go to the bathroom anyway. Stupid bladder! Walking downstairs is going to be fun. I need an immobilizer for my ankle so it doesn’t move. Maybe that will help. I just need it at night because that is when the pain is worse.