Tag: DID NOS

Depressing Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depressing Monday

I have been feeling pretty down all day. I woke up early, before 0630. I took some meds and then made breakfast. I went back to sleep because the meds made me sleepy. When I woke up a few hours later, I got some energy to go to Starbucks with the hope of working on the short story that I wrote a few weeks ago. No such luck. It was a story about how my therapist and pdoc are the roots of my tree. Now that my therapist and I are having problems and might separate, I no longer have an interest in writing about it. I have thought about writing about the difficulties of keeping the roots together and how they can irritate me, but like I said, I am finding it hard to concentrate on it. I just look at the blank page and nothing comes to mind. I think I need to print out the copy of the story so I can work on the beginning of it before I get to the difficulties part.

I sprayed my room with Renuzit before I left for Starbucks and I think I am allergic to the scent. I haven’t stopped sneezing since coming in my room. Oi. I have used the spray before so I don’t know why I am sneezing like a lunatic right now. It is cold so I don’t have the ceiling fan running. That’s probably why the scent is bothering me so much.

Last night, I was being triggered by my foot/ankle pain. I was having intrusive memories of my surgeries and being in the hospital recovering from them. It gave me such anxiety that I had to take two Ativan to calm down. Then Hyde and Jack (my mean alter) wanted me dead. I texted my therapist asking if there was an opening in her schedule to let me know. She texted me back saying she didn’t have an opening and I don’t think she will be calling to check in with me either. Hyde usually comes out when I am depressed and in pain. But Jack coming out is unusual. He is one that is attached to my therapist and my anger for her. I can’t explain it more than that. The anger piece goes deeper than my therapist. I don’t express my anger very well and I think Jack is the holder of it. He came out during a letter I wrote to my therapist earlier this year and it shocked me. I thought I only had Hyde to contend with. My pdoc wanted to call him Jekyll but I nor he liked it much. So we settled on Jack.

I usually don’t get triggered with PTSD when I am in pain, unless it is severe. I think I am more vulnerable this month because it is an anniversary month. And it was more than my foot/ankle that was hurting. My leg felt like it had a tourniquet on it and that is always a trigger for me. I tried distraction and ignoring the pain, but I was still very anxious and nervous. Then the memories started and I just wanted to die. Hyde and Jack came out and I knew I was in trouble. I really think I should be dead. I don’t want to work on anything in therapy, nor do I care if my therapist drops me at this point. I really don’t care about anything. I feel wicked empty, like I have no organs or anything inside of me. My reality testing proves this wrong when I breathe. It’s such an odd sensation. I haven’t felt empty in a very long time. I guess that is part of this depressive episode I am going through. I am also tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get. Lately I have been getting around 5 hours straight and then a few hours in the morning between 8 and 11. It’s rare for me to sleep later than 7. Even if I go to bed at 3 I am up around 0630.

Been listening to Luke Bryan all day. There is just something about his music that somewhat puts me in a better mood. Unfortunately, it’s not happening today. Nothing seems to break through this dark cloud that is following me. I wanted to get my AC out of the window tonight but I can’t even bring myself to text my brother in law to ask him. I just feel like I am asking too much or that I will be bothering him. I can’t stand this state that I am in. I know that he will take it out for me. I just have to move two things to give him access to the window but I can’t bring myself to get the energy to do so. The temp is going to drop tonight and it’s already cold in my room. I know it’s cold because in addition to my comforter on my bed, I have my fleece throw blanket on. And I am not hot. I am just so depressed, I can’t get motivated to do the things I need to do. I certainly can’t take the AC out by myself. I might drop it or it might fall out of the window. I am not good at that stuff plus I can’t lift anything heavy any way because of my back issues. It will get out this week. I just don’t know when.

Morning musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I had a long morning. I kept on waking up from 0430 on till my alarm went off at 0630. I didn’t want to get up but I had to if I wanted coffee and breakfast before picking my father up. His appointment went well. I then scuttled off to my therapist’s office/town. It took me a good hour to get there as I hit every red light from one town to the next. I was traveling the back roads rather than the highway. Once I got to my Starbucks, I tried to edit but my brain was dead. I saw the words but it wasn’t holding my attention. I was too tired from the early morning awakenings and the drive out there. So I just pulled out my journal and wrote. I wrote about how I had to end a friendship because she kept on choosing bad habits and I was tired of seeing her hurt. She wanted someone else to save her but wouldn’t do anything to save herself. At least meet me half way but then she did what she intended to do that last night and I had to cut her off. She is just too toxic and I can’t be part of her injuring herself. I tried my best to help her but she is just too far away from me. I talked about it in therapy. I really didn’t want to, but it came up. My therapist is glad that made a “wise” decision but it still hurts me. I hate losing friends that are troubled. But I guess you can’t save them all if they can’t help themselves. I thought I could but I can’t. I just am not strong enough I guess.

We also talked about my upcoming date. She was pretty anxious about being here for a week and then leaving me to my own devices. With the stuff going on with my friend, I kind of forgot my own troubles for a bit. But leave it to my therapist to bring it up again. We talked about Hyde and how he comes about, or not. We haven’t pinned down exactly what triggers him. I could be writing something grand and then he will come in and write something awful. I have no way of knowing. It’s making me scared to write anything for fear of the white coats being called on me. My therapist asked if one of the journals I had bought was for Hyde. Hell no. He isn’t going to be in a nice journal. He will be in a composition notebook. But the things is, as well as that sounds, there is no guarantee he will use it. He might just use a word doc or email someone in the dead of night. I have warned people that if they should get a message from me late at night to just delete it or ignore it. Trouble is, they have not done so. The best I can describe when Hyde takes over is that I am in a dreamlike state. I am vaguely aware of what is going on. I have intense feelings of pain, anguish, and despair. And I have an agitation to write something, anything, to express these “bad” feelings. I don’t know where Hyde came from. He is a part of me, I know that. But just like cutting is to my friend, so is Hyde to my writing. I have just swapped out cutting for writing and it’s with poison ink! Some day I know I might be hospitalized again for my words. And I am going to have no recollection of this happening. It’s like I stepped out, Hyde takes over, and I write. I am not malicious, except to describe how terrible I feel. My psych wants code words and my therapist wants a notebook. How am I going to satisfy both when I have no idea what is happening until the next morning. Because soon after my/his words are exhausted, I fall into a restful slumber and wake up thinking it was a dream. I am safe as far as I know. Hyde has never taken lethal action against me. I think the writing wears him out and then he is too tired to act on the feelings he is writing about. Either that, or the cocktail of meds that I take finally give in and puts him/me out. But what brings on Hyde remains a mystery, least for now.

Hyde Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

I was literally up all night. I went to pee around 0130 and that was it for me. I was up. I tried to go back to sleep but failed miserably. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 5ish. I am totally exhausted. Last thing that I wanted to do was have therapy but I really needed a session. My days are so messed up I was thinking tomorrow was Saturday. It’s not and I need to see my pdoc.

We talked about Hyde and how to deal with him. She wishes we were meeting in person so we could try and engage him more. Very doubtful as he only comes out at night. Very rarely or never have I “dissociated” during the day with him. It’s always at night, after 2100. I don’t know why he is coming out more. I told her about the email I sent to my pdoc that caused her to call me. I also told her that I am planning on killing myself during her vacation. She said I had to put it off. I don’t think it is going to be that easy. I told her to pick a date and she did. Oct 30th. She thinks that is my new date, but I don’t really know if it is or not. Only time will tell. We talked about the hospital but I am against it for many reasons. Yes it will keep me safe but I am not in danger. I am in more danger right now because I am vulnerable and I am wicked tired. Throw in some suicidal thoughts, and I am in. I told her my thoughts don’t mean actions. She suggested that I create a “Hyde” notebook to write in when I am in that bad agitated space. But Hyde doesn’t want to stay hidden. He writes with a purpose and to someone in particular. I guess you can say he is crying for attention, but the bad kind, or rather the severe kind. The kind that could get me sectioned. I see my pdoc tomorrow and I am going to try to stay out of the hospital. I know that if I don’t stop emailing my pdoc these horribly suicidally, depressing emails, I am going to end up there. It has happened before. That was why I created this blog, to write freely my suicidal thoughts so I don’t “bother” or burden my treaters with these thoughts. But lately, this blog just hasn’t been working the way that I was hoping. Maybe I should just be writing more blogs instead of letters/emails. I don’t know. My therapist knows that Hyde cannot be ignored. I wish I could say that he is harmless but the stuff that he writes makes me believe it. I am usually horrified the next morning. I just can’t believe something so dark comes from me.

I am going to give the notebook thing a try. There is no guarantee that it will work. It would be easier to just write a word doc and call it “Hyde musings” or something. This way I don’t have to a) read my handwriting and b) type up what I wrote for my therapist to analyze. Something needs to happen. If I dissociate while writing, god knows what I will do. Half the time, I am not even aware of what I am writing. Soon as it is written, it’s out of my memory banks. That is why I wrote the blog with my pdoc’s email. Maybe my pdoc has some ideas of what to do, but I know that medication is not the answer and neither is the hospital.

Dark Moments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt

Dark Moments

My psychiatrist called me tonight after the email that I sent her. Here is what I wrote:
“things aren’t any better. I feel like all I am doing is going round and round on a guinea pig wheel. I am so tired that I can’t stop. Fatigue has hit me hard and fear the demons might come out tonight. I just wish this would all end. I’m tired of fighting the same battle with the same result. Bozo is going on vacation soon, for two weeks. I plan on taking my life the first of the two weeks. I just feel like a failure if I don’t try. Course I might be a failure if I do. I haven’t been too successful in either department. I still am getting heaviness in my chest. It’s like this invisible weight comes out of no where, pushing me down. Sometimes I can’t breathe. It’s not like a panic or anxiety attack. It’s just psychache that is very heavy. I don’t know if I am making sense”.

She wanted to know if I would still be seeing her on Friday. I said yes and I will be sporting a new haircut. This is how psycho I am. I am talking about taking my life and yet I want to get a buzz cut. I feel really anxious and I know it has to do with her call because I am so nervous. If she didn’t get in touch with me, I would be sectioned right now. She really was concerned. I told her something just gets a hold of me and I just write these things. To me, they are just words on a computer screen. They don’t mean anything to me, but when someone reads them, it is cause for concern. I don’t understand it. I know Hyde is responsible for some if it. I know he has been out more. Whenever I am dealing with TG stuff, he comes out more. I don’t know if I will be in the hospital or not. I am hoping not because Hyde won’t come out. I don’t think I am in danger. I just write my dangerousness out. I don’t think I will act on it, as much as I really want to.

These dark moments really get to me, after the fact. While I am writing them, they feel normal and translucent. It’s like I am not really writing them. I vaguely remember them in the morning. This is the second time that my psych has called me after sending her a terrible email of my dark thoughts. I try not to send them to her because I know they are cause for concern but I just can’t seem to hold back. She wants to know how I am doing so I tell her, honestly and truthfully. I know I probably should hold off sending them to her but I always hit send instead of save. I don’t know if I wrote on my laptop or if I sent it by my phone. The phone is easier to hit send than save.

I just feel like I am wasting her time in her trying to save me. I am just so miserable. There are no medications that she can give me to ease my pain, my psychological pain. There are times I just want to overdose on everything that I have to ease this pain, this psychache. But I don’t do it because I don’t want my mother to find me like that. I need to really do something about this. But I don’t know what to do. How do you cope with demons?? These are more than just dark moments. They are pure suicidal moments and they might just kill me.

I just filled in, the best I could via text message, to my therapist. I told her to call me today. I really need her assurance I am not losing my mind. Or if I am losing my mind, what we are going to do about it. I really don’t think going in the hospital is gong to help me. It never does. It sometimes makes things worse because I get frustrated. I just don’t know what to do. I wish there was an easy answer but there isn’t.