Tag: disability

hyped up and hypo again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hyped up and hypo again

So the past week I have been in a hopeless, depressed mood. Now today, I had my coffee, nothing different, and I am feeling hypomanic. I am so hyped up and I don’t know why. I got done all the errands I needed to do. My foot is thanking me kindly because it didn’t like the extra trip I made to get a few legal pads so I can write. I am running low on my paper. I didn’t get that much sleep last night. I slept maybe 5 hours, if that. I had to get up early for my eye appointment. It went well and as I suspected, my vision has changed and I need new glasses. I got two prescriptions, one for reading and one for bifocals. Don’t know where I am going to get the money for both these glasses. I might not be able to get my sunglasses like I want to. But we’ll see next month how much everything will cost. I will shop around for the cheapest price. I have no choice.

I started a letter to my therapist last night. I really don’t want to read it. I know it started off with the usual pleasantries and then went off the deep end. I was in a real mood last night, which is why I can’t explain why I am in a good mood today. But I will take it. I also wrote about stopping my meds. Whenever I get really hopeless, I think the meds are useless and why bother taking them. I won’t stop the abilify because I can’t afford to become psychotic again. I will need to go in the hospital. Hell, the way things are going, I might be headed there again.

I am not doing anything else today except picking up my prescription later today. And I might get a bag of potato chips. Been craving them but thing is, I will eat the whole bag. I will get a small bag if they have the kind I am wanting. I went to the stationary store today to get a few legal pads. And because I am a pen freak, got two pens. I wasn’t planning on it. I really wanted the Zebra 301 in blue but all they had was black so instead I got the V-Ball black and blue. I am very particular about my pens. I usually just write in black ink exclusively. But lately, I have been wanting to write in different colored inks. I got my JetStream in different colors but will only write when it’s not in my journal, though I have written at least one entry in turquoise. I have a lavender colored pen that I have been wanting to use. Maybe I will write my therapist with that pen.

I really need to rest my ankle/foot. It will flare up on me and if I don’t stay on top of the pain, I am fucked. I can’t wait for my new sneakers to come because the ones that I have feel too small, even though they are my size. It’s probably because my foot swells and then becomes uncomfortable by the end of the day. Hence why I need new sneakers. According to their delivery schedule, they should arrive tomorrow with the mail. I don’t think I will be going out tomorrow, but that could change. I really need a day to chill as I have been going out most of this week. It hasn’t been long hours, but baking those cookies really took a lot out of me and now I am paying the price. I should be ok with my meds and rest, but with me feeling so hyped up, it’s hard to stay still. I want to do things. I want to go out, but I really need to listen to my foot and it is saying stay put or you will die. UGH, I hate feeling this way. Hopefully, my pain meds will mellow me out some.

I wrote a draft to my psychiatrist saying I got the brilliant idea of stopping my meds and gave the reasons for it. Now I don’t feel that way so I am glad I didn’t send it. I don’t feel like that now. I feel too good, a little too, too good. I might take an extra oxcarb tonight to see if that helps settle these mood swings. One thing about bipolar is having to deal with the extremes. It drives me crazy to be at the bottom of an abyss one day (like last night) and then feel on top of the world the next day. I feel like I can do anything, well, except fly. I feel like writing my psychiatrist and telling her I am back up again. I bet she is going to think what the hell is going on, just like I am wondering. But it’s been more than ten years since I have had these mood swings. I have been on the same mood stabilizer for years and sometimes it needs tweaking. I still am like WTF is happening to me. Only because when I crash, I crash hard and become immensely suicidal. Right now suicide is farthest from my mind, but it could come back in the next few days. I don’t think I am cycling, another part of this lovely disorder. The hypo and depression are too far apart. But I have gone through this before where I am hypo, psychotic, depressed, and then the pattern repeats. It has been years since this last happened and I ended up in the hospital because each crash was more serious than the previous one. I think that was when I ended up in the detox unit of a psych ward because there were no other beds available. God that hospitalization was awful. I hated the psychiatrist and boy was she dumb. She thought one of the antidepressants that I was on was an antibiotic. And she thought that Vioxx wasn’t a COX2 inhibitor. I knew more about the meds she was prescribing than she did. And she resented me for it. I should have filed a complaint with the medical board for her treatment of me but I never did. I will NEVER go back to that ward, even it was the last bed on the planet.

Finagling the Bagel 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Finagling the bagel 2

My sister called me today as she set up an appointment with my father for Monday, which meant I had to reschedule my appointment with the NP. Luckily, I was able to have it for Tuesday but that might mean that I have to cancel my therapy appointment for that day. I don’t know how the T is running so I plan on being where I need to be early so I can have therapy and then wait a half hour for the NP appointment. I just hope the damn bus is on time or I am screwed. Never mind about the trains. I think the Red Line should be safe as I have not heard anything about north of Boston being affected by the storms. Least I hope there are no troubles for Tuesday anyways. Will be bad enough that I have to deal with my father Sat and Mon. I think I will take an Ativan for Monday so that things don’t bother me.

My current journal is almost at the end. I will need to start a new one probably by the end of the month. I have to write the “Crisis response plan” in the new one. If it’s the first page, it’s easy to find. Plus I made some changes as my contact person has changed. The other person was/is too busy to return my emails so I doubt she will be available should I be in a crisis. My other friend is much more reliable, and I have her text. I also asked her if it would be okay for her to be my contact if I should need her and she said yes. She is a good egg, weirder than hell, but good.

Last night, I found some printing paper and a good article about psychologists needing self-care when dealing with suicidal clients. I plan on sending the article to my therapist. She might need it as a reminder when I am feeling stressed out and thinking my suicidal plans. I sent the article to a few Twitter buddies that are clinicians and my phone blew up with notifications this morning, which didn’t help my headache. Some had retweeted, favorited, or replied. Then there were new people that also did the same thing. I love how the word gets spread on Twitter so fast.

I took a shower today, finally. It was difficult because my back kept cramping up on me. I don’t know why when I am taking a shower my back seizes up on me versus when I am standing waiting for a bus. It’s really weird. Then after the shower, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. So I had to rest a bit before making lunch. I haven’t taken anything for pain because it settled down on its own, thank god. Very rare it does this but I am happy it did. I probably will be hurting later, but right now I am good.

Woke up with a stupid migraine. I planted some crops and then it was beddy bye time. I slept for about an hour and that helped tremendously (along with some ibuprofen). I still feel a little sleepy but a cup of tea helped wake me up. I couldn’t have coffee today because my French press isn’t clean and I was too lazy to wash it out. So tea it was this morning.

thank you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I am overwhelmed by your comments. Thank you. It really means something when people reach out when you are down on your luck.

I sun downed really hard last night. I was tired and when I am tired like I was last night, I often think about ending my life. I was not only tired in the exhaustion sense, but tired of life in general, as you probably already know.

I am talking with my therapist tonight. I hope that I don’t sun down on her as I will be talking to her around 1830. That is the peak of my down experience. I still am feeling tired. I woke up in pain just now (0600) and I had only one pill left of my pain medication by my bedside. I am hurting too much to get up and get another pill. Just hope one pill does the trick.

I am feeling hopeless still over my situation. Being in pain is not helping. Losing sleep because of pain is not helping. Hearing voices because, well, I have no fucking idea, is not helping. The meds do help in this area but that doesn’t mean I won’t have another psychotic break and end up in the hospital.

Aside from taking my bastard father to the docs yesterday, I really haven’t left the house in a week now. I still need to get my one prescription in the Square. Pharmacy probably restocked it by now. It’s supposed to be really cold today, in the teens so not sure if I want to venture out. If I do, I will definitely get my mocha, my one joy in life. My printer finally came last night. I plan on setting it up today but I don’t know if I want to. Everything is just overwhelming me right now. Think I will try and go back to sleep.

Away from the sun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Away from the sun

This is one of my favorite songs that perfectly describes what I feel when I am in the black cloud of depression. The song is by 3 doors down.

I have been feeling down all day because I have been in pain since 0400. I some how managed to sleep for about an hour or so but I have been pretty much been up since around 0800. I have been occupying my time by playing my game and reading stuff on the web. I found an interesting article that Lenaars wrote about Shneidman. My previous blog today had to do with Zero suicide, which is next to impossible to accomplish in reality. I equated what I wrote about Shneidman to my thoughts about having no suicides.

Because I have been in pain all day, I have been taking pain meds around the clock. I have been really sleepy, at times, for most of the day. I also got a migraine early this morning and it seems the world was against me as my mother’s phone kept ringing and someone was using a chainsaw outside. It was either a chainsaw or they were flying a small plane. It was so fricken loud. I really thought my head was going to explode. I took my meds and then I got really tired when my head calmed down. I thought I would have to go to the ER as the left side of my face was starting to get numb. Luckily, when the meds started working, my face went back to normal. It has been a really long time since I got a bad migraine like today. I am just glad my vision wasn’t affected.

So between my foot/ankle hurting like a SOB and my head wanting to explode, I have been in a bad mood. Thoughts of suicide has been floating in and out. Mostly, I have been wanting to do something to my ankle to make it stop hurting. Pain has been between a 7&9 on a scale of 1-10. I have been trying to keep off it but I can’t stay in my room all day. I needed to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. I made coffee to try and keep me awake but lately, coffee has had the opposite affect on me. It’s like taking a sedative. After my migraine attack, I got anxious. Like almost full blown panic attack. My chest hurt and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. So I took an Ativan to calm down. I still am fighting serious sleep. But I will be going to bed early tonight. I counted out my pills tonight so I don’t have to play a guessing game on what pill to take and what not to take. Last night, I just took my hormone pill, my mood stabilizer, and baclofen. I couldn’t bare to take anything else. I was hurting and I couldn’t stand too long to take the 10 or so pills I needed to take. When I was counting my pills, I added vitamin D and Omega 3. I usually take them every other week. I take D because I am deficient, like most of the US. I also believe it helps ward off the cold and other viruses that you can get.

I hope I can make it till 2000. I am so tired and right now I have about an hour to go till I can get to bed. I just hope I don’t wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I fucking hate when I sleep for a few hours and the I am up. I would try and stay up late but I don’t think that is going to happen. I have been taking too many meds to try and stay up longer than 2000.

Because my ankle has been a fuck all day, I didn’t do my PT exercises. There was no way I could do them as just moving it to go up and down the stairs caused me great pain. I hope it will be okay for tomorrow because I really want to get a latte. I also hope that my appt with my therapist goes well. I am kind of nervous because I have told her how suicidal I have been feeling. I let my pdoc know via email, but I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to have to email her soon because I need a refill on my meds, again.