Tag: disability

Long Day With Little Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

I wanted to blog yesterday but I was so tired from being up early that it just slipped my mind. I took a nap around 1700 and I was toast after that. Course that meant I woke up around 0430 this morning. I had to be up early anyways because my father had his surgery today. Everything went kind of well, though he still is leaking fluid and the docs don’t know why. They put in a drain to suck out the fluid and are hoping for the best. We’ll find out tomorrow whether he will be able to go home. I am hoping not because I know my father is not going to put up with the drain and it will be a disaster at home. It just isn’t going to happen!

I am so tired that all I want to do is take a shower because I didn’t wear a diaper today. That whole concept escape my mind and I ended up leaking, which left me smelling like an old urine cup. I know I also shit myself a little bit because my ass has been burning since my bowel movement. Got to love CES and damaged nerves. Tomorrow I have to go back to the hospital early so that I can talk with the doctor about keeping my father until the fluid situation is taken cared of. It will mean another long day at the hospital and I am just dreading just thinking about it.

My mother kept my dinner but I am not hungry. My sis bought me a tea and I guess you can say that was my dinner. If I get hungry later I will just make some eggs. I haven’t had anything to eat since around noon time when my father came out of surgery. I am so damn beat I don’t feel like eating anything. I just want to shower and sleep.

One positive thing today was that I wrote a few pages for my next book. I was so happy to be writing again. Tomorrow I will write some more, I hope. Depends on if I have the time and inclination while visiting my father. Sometimes it is not easy to write or read with him because he has to bug you while you are doing it. He is just an ornery bastard. I really can’t stand him.

I seemed to have developed a damn dry cough the last few days. It is annoying as all hell and I know it’s because I haven’t been sleeping good and just am run down. I also have the damn sniffles that won’t go away despite taking an antihistamine and Nyquil. Been three friggen weeks now that I have been like this but all the discharge has been clear so I don’t have an infection. It’s just annoying to deal with.

My sister has got my mother’s finesse for shopping. After the hospital, we went to the grocery store for milk. She bought quie a few extra items. I only bought what I went in there for, my Powerade and some half and half for my coffee. I really wanted to get some other items but I am low on cash because of my damn prescriptions. I still have two to get and can only afford one. I am hoping my cousin sends me my birthday card early so that I don’t run out of one before my next paycheck. Otherwise I will have to borrow money from my sis. I really need to find a part time job. When I visited my old workplace while at the hospital, they were begging me to come back. I really wish I could be back. I miss the place so much as much it annoyed me at times with the idiot phone calls we got. But I like my coworkers some of the time. I just can’t work right now, least not there, because I am still not able to walk long distances without pain. Which reminds me, I forgot to call my physiatrist today. Could have done that will all the waiting I was doing with my father. I am an idiot. Oh well, another call for Monday!

serious pain 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain

Back still out

I have been waiting patiently for my back to be normal but I don’t think it is going to happen quickly. It is not hurting me more but it’s not hurting less. I can move a little more, albeit gingerly, but I am moving. I think a few more days rest and I will be okay. I know once I get my pain medication on Friday, things will be much better. Right now I am rationing what I have left because I have so few. If the pain kicks up a bit, I might have to take the stronger pain medication. I hate to do that because I haven’t been moving my bowels the way that I should. Taking this medication basically puts my bowels in a bind, literally. And it is painful to get things moving again.

It is difficult to sit right now, so I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I was in too much pain to sit long enough to type up something. Nothing unusual happened yesterday, except that I couldn’t move without pain, which is similar to today. I did order my burger, which was excellent. I really am glad I had something sustaining as my appetite has been awful the last few days. My mother made cherry tarts today. I hope that I will be able to have one later. I love my sweets. I brought up some skittles to munch on while I am recuperating but they are far from my reach.

I have so much to do yet I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. Course being in pain isn’t helping matters. I haven’t been in the mood to read, though I have put my books on my bed in case I get inclined to do so. My therapist was shocked to hear that I haven’t had any caffeinated drinks in about a week now. I haven’t made it to Starbucks and I don’t have any cream to make coffee at home. Plus, I really haven’t been craving coffee products. Right now, I just been concentrating on how to get well so I can move around better.

I thought I lost my phone in my sheets but it was downstairs. The trip downstairs caused me to lose some spoons. I can no longer move upright. So I am going to stop here and rest. Till tomorrow.

Ramblings 70

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I didn’t go out today because I had babysitting duties for my sick niece. So I spent the day watching her. I tried to play my games but am getting bored with them. I always have to request stuff and it just gets redundant after a while. I know that if I didn’t get stuck babysitting, I would have gone out today and had a latte. I miss going to Starbucks and tomorrow I will get one dammit!

I didn’t do any writing today. My ankle has been bothering me on and off so I really wasn’t in the mood to write. Maybe later on tonight when I no longer am babysitting.

I no longer have the “favorite books of the year” logo on my Amazon site. It is kind of a bummer not seeing that. I knew it was too good to be true. But I sold a few books on Kindle. It feels good knowing this promotion is helping my sales. I have been promoting it primarily through Twitter, which then feeds into my Facebook page. I am probably annoying my friends about my book by now. But I want the book to be out there.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day, mostly in the sense that I want to sleep. I just can’t understand it. I have nothing to really be depressed about, though I am stressing over tomorrow’s dealings with my father. I have to deal with his drama and I don’t even know what that is going to entail tomorrow, but I’ll find out. I am just so sick of going to every medical appointment with him. I just hope it isn’t an all day affair with him. I really don’t want to be in the hospital all day. And I know I am going to be out for more than 4 hours, I am going to wear the new diapers that I bought just to be on the safe side of things. I hadn’t had any more bowel or bladder problems but I want to stay dry and if I do fart with friends, at least I won’t stain my underwear.

I know it’s not helping my blood pressure being stressed out over him. And I know I have gained a few more pounds as my pants are tight around the middle. Because I was babysitting, I forgot to call my doctor to schedule an appointment and my eye doctor to reschedule. I feel bad that I had to reschedule the appointment for my eye doc twice now but I didn’t look on the calendar when I made the appointment. It is nothing major with my eye, just my annual exam because I have noticed some vision changes.

I am hurting really bad today with all kind of pain in my butt. It is mostly nerve pain that I am feeling. But it is wicked aggravating because there is nothing that I can take for it. I just have to ride it out. Sitting is difficult. I am glad that I have a foam topper on my bed so that helps a little bit. Still feels like I am sitting on glass at times.

Had therapy today. Damn therapist still wants me to do this affirmation exercise. I told her to shut up about it and called her a few names today but she was undeterred. I don’t even think she registered me calling her names. But she shook the Bostonian in me when she started making fun of me when I said “AH” instead of “R”.

I have to renew my anti-virus software program soon. I am dreading it because it is so expensive. But I like to keep it up to date just in case I do get hit with a virus or spam or phish. I used to like it back when they didn’t automate and you could keep the software but it just wouldn’t update your system. Now they just stops working and you are unprotected. I found that out when I let my subscription expire. It was like the thing uninstalled itself because I didn’t renew. It sucked when I did renew because I forgot my password and email that I used when I signed up. I apparently had three accounts for the different laptops/computers I was using. I had to delete the other two and keep just the one, and to do that, I had to talk with a representative. It sucked.

Idiot PT guy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Idiot PT guy

I went to physical therapy (PT) today. Guy did some strengthening exercises and they hurt like hell. I am icing my ankle as we speak to try and bring down the swelling and pain. We were talking after the torture and he thinks that he can strengthen my ankle. I just nodded in agreement knowing full well he was wasting his time. If I haven’t regained strength in my ankle after 13 years, I don’t think it’s going to come back. I did a whole lot of PT over the years and I just don’t see how this is going to help me. My foot becomes fatigued which leads to the weakness getting worse. I don’t know what he is feeling but even after all the exercises he did today, I was feeling fatigue and I could tell I couldn’t hold my foot up for very long. He kept telling me to lift my foot so I had to use other muscles to lift it. How is that helping?? I really think that he just doesn’t get what I am telling him. I am not hopeful that my strength is going to come back. We can continue to do the exercises but it’s only going to hurt me in the end.

I also had talk therapy today. I don’t know why I asked for another session tomorrow. I must be out of my head. She totally annoyed me today and I bet anything she is going to annoy me tomorrow. She gave me “homework”, which is to write a blog about how I value myself or something to that effect. She is wasting her time on me if she thinks that I am going to write some bullshit thing about me. I don’t know what she hopes I will gain from this exercise. I have no purpose or worth in my life. I am just a sack of chemicals. And I hurt physically more than I ever have in my life. I have no reason for living. Yet I still continue this existence. Why I don’t know. I am a coward. I would kill myself but I don’t have the energy to do it or plan it. I am just stuck and it sucks.

We talked about my book for a little while. I was telling her a high school friend of mine just bought a copy of it and thought my style was “nice”. I didn’t even know I had a style of writing. I also told her that my second book is troublesome. I don’t know what to write and I am such a condensed writer that for me to expand on something is painful. Just like the band that is around my foot right now. The PT suggested that I wear compression stockings and today I found the pair and am wearing it. It is hurting me so they are not going to last much longer. I am supposed to wear this knee to toe stocking to help decrease the swelling in my leg and ankle. I don’t know how this is supposed to help if the damn thing hurts me. Just doesn’t make any sense.

I have been trying to write about my experience over the past year that lead to my decrease in being suicidal. There are days I don’t think about it like I used to and then there are times I think about it all the time, but only for short periods of time. Not days on end like I used to think. And it is all because I became accountable to a person. She basically guilt tripped me into living. But now I have nothing to live for. My work is done. And I am supposed to write a book about it when I have no motivation. I am such a loser. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. I guess the depression is overwhelming me and I can’t see nothing but gray skies. I feel so utterly useless.

Today as I was listening to Pearl Jam, I thought of writing a blog called “Don’t call me daughter”. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any writing pads with me so the thoughts kind of left me. They are there but I think I will have to listen to the song to write it out. I am too tired now to listen to music just to write. I just want to listen to my old country music on Pandora and relax. Going to PT really wore me out. And I hope that I don’t have mega pain tonight because of it.

I felt like this blog was too short so decided to add to it. I am feeling perplexed because I want to “please” my therapist but what she is asking of me is total bullshit and I don’t write bullshit. I have no value as a human being. I deserve to die. But things seem to keep me here. I have no responsibilities anymore, other than financial. But I am broke most of the time so who cares that I can’t pay a bill. I have 0.89 cents in my checking account right now. I am rich! NOT. And this is stressing me out. I hate November because there are a shit load of birthdays. My sisters, my godparents, my cousins. You name the person and they probably were born in November. I don’t even have money to buy these people a card let alone a gift. Every year is the same. I get gifts from these people on my birthday but I never give in return because I don’t have the money. It is a huge stressor on me.

Tonight, I was going through my blogs and found the post “when jupiter aligns with the crescent moon”. That was one of my psychotic phases. For weeks the voices were out of control and telling me what to do and kept repeating this phrase 24/7. It was driving me nuts. I don’t know if I eventually went in the hospital or not but I have never been that psychotic before. It got me thinking about how I am taking my abilify every other day because of side effects. I hope I don’t become delusional again. I don’t feel it coming on but the depression is driving me crazy. I am more irritable. My sister just told me my nephew wants to take his mother out for her birthday. I really don’t want to go. It’s like I want to stay trapped in my room all the time now. I haven’t left the house except for doctor’s appointments or PT. I don’t remember the last time I went to Starbucks. I think it was last week or the week before when I bought coffee. I hate being irritable and quick to anger.

Another thing the stupid PT guy said was that it has been a long while since I had foot drop. Well, damn, tell me something I don’t know. I still have scar tissue on my nerve root. He says that goes away in time. Really? Why does it still show up on my MRI? AFTER 8 years??? I also have bone spurs in my back. That is fun. Luckily they don’t cause me any discomfort. I really think that if I had another back issue right now, I will kill myself. There is no way I will be able to handle the pain.