Just got my haircut. Little boy on the bus was staring at me and I was wondering if he was thinking I was a boy or girl and had to stop myself. I am a boy and I nearly wept as my chest was throbbing. The euphoria was finally hitting me. I wondered if I would ever feel it since my mother’s death. I looked at my photo I took and posted on an FTM support groups. A member said they see a grown man, complete with a male hairline. I am losing my hair and the pic kind of looks like a comb over that my sister pointed out. I don’t care. I still think I look good. I have issues with my body. My stomach is giving me such dysphoria since the binders have been off. I haven’t gained weight but I haven’t lost any either, which is frustrating. I have been cutting calories to no effect. I know I haven’t been active either but it’s a slippery slope with my foot. Any big active days such as walking more than 5 blocks hurts me. My limit is 0.4 miles, anything more than that and I am in pain.
Today has been a rough day due to headaches. I woke up a couple times after dreaming with them. I told my psychiatris about it and he doesn’t have answers. I need to see a neurologist. I had one. I need to call to see if I still do. I had a skipped appt with her back when I was catatonic so don’t know if they kicked me out because of it. It has been thundering and downpouring the past couple of hours so my head hurts. Not sure if it is a migraine or not. I need a nap. I am tired.
My internet was not connecting well today so m psychiatrist called me. We talked about meds. He wants to play with my Latuda and I told him we could but I could become psychotic again with a lower dose or stopping it. He wants to bring the Effexor dose up but until I have my neuro appt, he is holding off.
Gonna stop here. My head is hurting too much.
Tag: gender dysphoria
Dcmd
I’ve been out to my family since I wrote my memoir in 2014. I didn’t tell my mother until 2017 when I legally changed my name. She first accepted me and then when the paperwork came, she didn’t want to call me my name and insisted I was still her daughter. Fast forward to now.
In Dec, she was diagnosed with cancer. In the beginning of March, she finally called me son. At first, I thought it was because I kept on telling the medical staff I was her son. But then she really shocked me when she told my aunt, unprompted, that her son was here. We never talked about it. I didn’t know how to feel because she was dying. She died a month ago on Apr 4th. I am proud she finally accepted me. Just wish it didn’t take till her dying for it to happen. I still am conflicted and sore.
Anyways, that is my story
Headaches are back
When I was in the psych hosp in mid-October, I started getting sharp headaches in the middle of the night. They were so bad, I thought my brain was splitting in two. After about 15 mins they would go away. I thought they were migraine activity so I took migraine meds for them but it didn’t help. This morning, I woke up with the same headache. The initial pain went away but now there is this ache around my head.
It’s 6am. I had to go pee as my headache woke me up. I am staying up because why not. I am listening to Taylor’s version of Fearless. One of my favorite albums. I am listening via ear buds as I don’t want to wake up anyone. I am debating on making coffee.
Last night, I got really upset, mostly at myself. I gave my mother dinner and she went to the fridge by herself. I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t watch her. Then as she leaves the kitchen she asks if she took her insulin. Fuck. I don’t know if she took it while she was at the fridge or not. My middle sister reprimanded me when she found out, saying I have to watch her all the time. Uh, sorry I don’t have eyes in the back of my head! I go upstairs kicking myself for not being aware. Then my baby sister calls me and tells me it is important to watch her. WTF. I hung up on her saying I am not going to be reprimanded by the two of you. I already felt bad. I know it is important my mother takes her insulin. I am not an idiot. I am getting burned out taking care of her all the time. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in my room and do nothing but read my book and maybe write. I was able to read my book but I really didn’t write like I wanted to. I had gotten so fed up I wanted to go for a walk but I did curls with weights instead. That helped.
I have therapy today. Definitely going to talk about this, the burnout not so much the incident with the insulin. I care for my mother but at the same time I want to get away from her. Her not respecting my pronouns is one part of it. Just bothers me so much. This weekend I’ve been really sensitive as the gender dysphoria has been in high gear.
Today I’m going to try to just drink Ensure in an effort to lose some weight. I’ve gained five pounds because I haven’t been watching what I eat. Eating a whole pizza didn’t help matters. I want to lose at least fifteen pounds before my surgery. I have to start putting a serious effort into this. It is so hard for me to diet because soon as I say the word, I hit the bad foods. I hate dieting but if I want to lose weight, I have to do something.
I wasn’t sure I was going to have therapy today because my mother was having pain upon breathing and needed oxygen. She was having pain all over and rated it as a 20. Thankfully some ibuprofen calmed things down. I had therapy but told my therapist I needed to have the phone near me in case my niece texted she needed me. We talked about the care my mother needs and again about her misgendering me and not accepting me as a male. I am really trying to not let it get to me but when I have gender dysphoria like I’ve had the past few days, it is harder to let things go.
My sister told my mother if she wasn’t feeling that good that she should go to the hospital and my mother “magically” felt better. She ate lunch and was moaning a little bit but not as bad as the morning. I was glad she was feeling better even though she was still on oxygen. I made some chicken breasts for my lunch and for my mother so she could have chicken salad if she wants tomorrow.
My leg is hurting me for some reason. It keeps cramping when I lie down. Been trying to stretch it out. I just took some more Robaxin for some relief as my chest muscles hurt as well. I am so fucking tired. The added stress of this morning didn’t help matters. Hope I can rest tonight and read a chapter of the cognitive therapy book. Got to keep my intellectual brain working.
twitter rant 07022022
I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.
midnightdemons7 
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