Tag: gender dysphoria

Opening Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, chronic physical pain, depression

Opening Day

My mood lifted enough today that I finally was able to watch baseball until the 6th inning. My foot/ankle decided that was enough. Fuckers. My team was leading 4-0 and I just hope the bullpen can keep that score. Buchholz was on his game today. I love him. I don’t particularly care for the catcher, Hanigan. He seems too nervous behind the plate. I don’t like when catchers twitch before a pitch because it can cause the pitcher to lose location. I hope he gets the nervous jitters out of him. Score heading into the 9th now is still 4-0! Yeah BABY!

I slept most of the day today. My therapist finally texted me back with confirmation of my cancellation for the week. I just need some time away from her. I was really shocked she gave in. She usually gives me a hard time, every single time I want to cancel a session. I texted her back that she was a softie. She said should would call me next week at our regular time. I am so tempted to cancel that appointment, too. But I won’t, for now.

My mood appears to be back on the up swing again, even though I feel really tired. I think most of the feeling tired is because I have been battling pain the last few days. It wears you out. I haven’t played my game today, but I did win big on poker. Doesn’t make up for all that I have lost the last few days but it helps. I hope my mood stays up and I still feel invincible. I was reading some of my more depressing blogs last night. I was trying to find a blog to help out a friend who is having troubles right now. I haven’t talked to her today but hope to talk to her later this evening. I know that my blogs help people who are going through some bad times. It always helps to know someone who has been through it.

Today I found out one of my Twitter buddies dog passed away last night. I know that the dog wasn’t in the best of health lately. She was an older dog, I think around 18 years old. It still stinks. Then I found out a friend from my junior high school days cat passed away. I was like what the hell is going on! I don’t have much details about the cat. But I feel bad for both of my friends that lost their pets today.

My sister is going to pick up my prescription that I neglected to pick up today. I was hurting too much for some reason. My left leg was out of sorts and felt like a disc was out but I wasn’t experiencing any back pain. It was weird. I dealt with that most of the morning, which is why I was so sleepy because of the pain meds I was taking. If I don’t keep up with it, I am hurting out of control. I know the pain might be because my calf muscle is tight. I once rubbed out a knot and the leg pain went away. This is, my calf has been really tender to the touch lately so I am not about to be rubbing it until it calms down some. I don’t know why as I haven’t done anything to cause my calf muscles to hurt. But now that I think about it, I went down a steep hill the other day. I bet that is what set off my calf hurting and is now causing my leg pain. Do’h.

I am kind of nervous that my therapist accepted my cancellation. I know I will be alright and I know I can call her if I get into trouble. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Friday so I think I will be alright. I think I have emailed her nearly every day since she has been back in the office. Just been keeping her informed about my mood swings and such. I asked her if going through the change would be causing this havoc I have been experiencing. She said it is possible. Fucking A. Just what I fucking need is another hormonal imbalance. Been having hot flashes at night to the point where either I am undressed and the fan is on or the fan is on and I don’t have any blankets on. It sucks for my feet that have to be kept warm all the time or they will cramp. And it’s not even summer yet so I can’t blame the weather. She recommended I go back to see repro-endo. I really don’t want to see that doc because she is a nervous nelly around me. I haven’t seen her in more than two years. Thing is, I don’t want the blood work. And I don’t know how the blood work is going to be with me taking hormones every day to stop my menses to begin with. Just makes me wish my death date were sooner rather than later. I really don’t want to deal with this shit.

Just had to put on some thermal socks. Feet are like ice. If they don’t warm up soon, I am going to cramp. And that sucks!

TG Issues 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

Fortunately, I had therapy today. My therapist was able to get to her office today, but there won’t be therapy tomorrow because they canceled school again. I know out west got hit harder than we did, where she lives. Just sucks but at least I got to talk to her a little bit today.

I told her about the strange dream I had this morning. In the dream, I went to my friend Chris’s wake. I went there with a mutual friend. He went off being a social butterfly that he was and I was left to my own devices. There was a guy I recognized from way back and so we chatted. He asked me my name and when I told him, he looked at me up and down with disgust. I awoke from the dream feeling full of self-loathing. I couldn’t stand to be my own skin. My therapist calls it gender dysphoria. I don’t care what it is called. I hate myself, no, I loathe myself way too much, to the point where I just want to kill myself. We didn’t discuss that part. I thought it was self-explanatory. She should know by now that anything to do with self-loathing is going to bring up suicidal thoughts.

Then we discussed my paper that I am working on submitting for a contest. I think it sounds too depressing, so I added a few sentences about hope. It read okay in my mind but I am still having my doubts. Top prize for this is $1500, though I really would love just to win it for the sake of having my writing mean something. Once the winners are announced, I will post my piece.

But the writing got me self-doubting and it really hurts me to think that is what my life is. I am stuck in the wrong body and it is hurtful. Then towards the end of session, my therapist tells me that she called the LGBTQ clinic inquiring about whether suicidality will hinder transition and if private therapy will have to cease. None of these conditions are true. I just need my PCP to recommend them to their primary care place for evaluation. They are willing to work *with* me on the transition. I couldn’t talk about it anymore as I was drowning in sorrow and relief. This could happen this year and all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

I woke up from the self-loathing dream around 0630 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and then when I came back to my room, I got really nauseous. I thought I was going to throw up so I took my Zofran (anti-nausea pill). I couldn’t sit up so I laid back down and fell asleep. I didn’t wake up till around 11 or so. By then I was really hungry so made eggs and bacon. Now I am feeling sick to my stomach again and I am really tired.

No mail has come yet. I hope it comes soon and my prescription is in it. I need my pain meds or I am going to run out. I haven’t been in too much pain today but then I have been resting for most of the day.

I haven’t showered yet. I think I might do that later tonight, if I don’t get sick. I keep thinking about the TG issues and the self-loathing. I really, really, loathe myself. I find myself despicable. I just am not a good person and I should die. But my therapist would miss me so I can’t kill myself as much as I want to. I’m going to go to sleep after I take some Ativan. I hope I am in a better mood when I wake up.

at least we can say we tried

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, transgender

All too often I get the how is your back, you look good bullshit. I want to strangle the person sometimes, especially when I have had a bad night the night before. No one gets it. My family keep telling me to see this podiatrist or go to this hospital or see this doctor. But they don’t get I am tired of seeing doctors who only want to stick a needle in my back or ankle and then say ok at least we tried, good luck to you and leave me hanging with NO FURTHER TREATMENT. Or they look at my ankle and xrays/Mri’s and find that there is nothing wrong with my back anymore or that my ankle looks perfectly normal. Well if it was perfectly normal why do I have friggen pain all the time?? I had another pain bout last night that I was climbing the walls with. And I didn’t do anything yesterday that would have caused it. I am just so tired of being in pain but I got to live with it and it sucks.

Last night I was in the deep throws of dealing with bad ankle pain. I wrote the above just now in response to an email that a fellow CESSG member wrote. I thought it would give me something more to write on but I just can’t think of anything more to say. I am all tired out from being in pain all night. Sure I had my coffee this morning and it was very good but it didn’t loosen my thought process any. I am struggling right now, really struggling with pain and my menses and the depression. No one understands. These three things make me want to kill myself. There is no one I can talk to about it. I sent off the blog I wrote last night to my pdoc, hoping for a response and still have not received one. Maybe she got mad at me because I wrote that she didn’t get it because she always uses the wrong pronoun with me. I don’t care. In my mind, I am a he, not a she. I think I got to let the group (the CES group) know that I have decided to change my name again. This one is a little more permanent and one that I have used since I was a teenager. I might still use Mike from time to time. I like the name, even if it is a common one. But for now I think I will just stick with GC. I don’t know if I will ever change my name permanently but I know that I like being called this and that is part of the transition.

The depression I can handle most of the time, except when everything I do drains me. It takes such an effort to get out of bed, to do daily living activities, etc. I rather just lay in bed and do nothing or instead I just play on my laptop or look at a blank page of a word document wondering if the words will come.

The menses are just an insult to me. I can’t handle it. I detest it with every fiber of my being. It is the constant reminder that I am not a male no matter how bad my brain thinks I am. It confuses the hell out of me and makes me think instant thoughts of suicide. I think it probably would take a suicide attempt for my treaters to know that I am serious when I tell them this makes me suicidal to the Nth degree. I can’t live like this anymore. And again I am downcasted by the psych profession. Call it what you will Gender dysphoria or transgenderism. I don’t care. I just know that I am in the wrong body and I want to kill myself be that is the ONLY way to solve the problem. Obviously birth control pills are not working. I have been on them for at least two years now and they just are not working. I get a few months break and then I get my menses again. This isn’t right. I don’t think my repro endo doctor care either. To her, I am just another female that cannot tolerate her period. But is it normal to want to kill yourself every time you get the bloody thing (pun intended)?? I don’t think so.