Tag: grief

feeling grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief

The movie of my father’s final hours keep playing in my mind the past hour or so. I have been trying to distract myself by listening to music or playing on my phone. I even watched some episodes of Friends on Netflix to no avail. My heart is just so heavy. I feel really depressed and want to cry but I just can’t. It hurts so much. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t understand this at all. I know my father had been a huge part of my life the last few months, with him having to be hospitalized because of this and that ailment. And I know my writing has suffered because of it. But not having any more contact with him has been so difficult. I am not sure I can get used to his presence not being there anymore.

I never typed up the stuff I wrote while I was in the hospital. I haven’t even so much as removed the notepad from my backpack. I am wicked hot in my room because it’s so damn hot out. I should open the door to let some air in but I hate my bedroom door being open. The ceiling fan is not doing much to cool me off. I am just uncomfortable.

My pain has returned. My foot/ankle has decided to give me grief. I took my pain meds but they haven’t kicked in yet. I haven’t been taking them around the clock because I wasn’t in that much pain. Now I am playing catch up and it sucks. I just want to sleep but I can’t because I am hot and in pain.

I added another book that I am reading to the Good Reads list that I have going. Seems it’s easy to add the books and start reading them but difficult to finish reading the book. I have had Alexander Hamilton on there for a couple years now. It’s a big book and difficult to read so I put it down and have some idea where I put it but am not sure. It is an interesting book but the author has no breaks and the chapters are really long. With the latest book I added, Risk Management with Suicidal Patients, I have six books I am currently reading. This book is a short read as it’s only around 200 pages. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week but it takes some doing. I just need to find motivation to read. Of course, trying to find motivation to do anything has been difficult lately.

I have no idea where the day went. I got my haircut, made lunch, took a shower and have been in my room since. I did watch John Adams and did not like it. It was very boring. I don’t understand how it won awards. I canceled the rest of the discs and I am going to return the disc tomorrow. Then I am going to cancel the subscription so I don’t get charged.

I texted my sister that I missed my father. Today has been really difficult for some reason. I still haven’t cried. I am getting to the point where I don’t think I am going to. I am worried that it might happen around Father’s day.

Sox lost big tonight. I think Buchholz is washed up. And he is a relatively young pitcher. He just hasn’t been pitching well all season. His first game that he pitched was a no hitter and since then he has been on the rocks. Bradley, Jr. ended his hitting streak at 29 games. I was so looking forward to him getting to 30 games but they placed him in the lead off position and I think that messed it up for him. I am so upset over this. I know he has been hitting well, but he is not a lead off man.

I am debating taking some gabapentin for my pain levels. But I am afraid that I will get the munchies all day tomorrow. Since I have bought my groceries, all I want to do is eat. Tomorrow I will be making my Bolognese sauce. Just to get an idea of if I had the right idea about making it, I watched a YouTube video. The one I saw was not made by an Italian. He put nutmeg in the meat sauce and Bay leaves. I was disgusted. He also put cream and wine. That was too complicated for me. He also used two pounds of meat. I am just using one pound for 1 can of tomato sauce. I think that will be sufficient. I know I will be the only one eating it, though I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday. I got to go to Walgreens and get some disposable Tupperware because I don’t think I have them anymore. I will look but I don’t think so, least not the size I need.

I am so damn tired but can’t sleep because my foot is bothering me so much. I know that is in part to me going up and down the stairs to eat something. I really hope I don’t gain back the weight I lost. I will be so mad at myself. I know that I have gained a few pounds back. But that is all that I am willing to tolerate.

Random 150

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I got my haircut today. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same as the one I got last month. I am almost bald. I should have gone to the other guy but the owner was free and I took a chance. Never again. I think I will try the new barber shop that opened in the Square. It’s going to take a month for my hair to grow out. I am kind of upset that my hair isn’t the way I want it.

I texted my therapist for an appointment but doesn’t look like she has time today. She must be busy because she hasn’t even texted me back, yet. It’s not that urgent that I talk with her today. I just feel like another session might help my grief. For some reason, I am really feeling it today. Other than getting my haircut, I have no other plans for the day. I thought about going to Starbucks but it’s really warm out and I know I won’t be able to get a seat. I am not really in the mood for a coffee anyways.

I didn’t watch John Adams last night like I wanted to. I was so tired that by 2200, I was toast. I slept till around 0800, which is good for me. I did have a weird dream. It was so weird that I am going to have to discuss it with my therapist on Tuesday if I don’t talk to her today. I think I will watch the movie today. I got to have some Oreos first. I bought Oreo Thins and they are so damn good. They have just the right amount of filling that I like. The danger is that I can eat the whole package in one sitting. Other than chocolate chip cookies, Oreos are my second favorite cookie.

Last night, I was productive before I passed out. I was able to get the forms needed to legally change my name and I finally found out how to go about it. I am so proud of myself. It’s going to cost me around $200 to do it, but I am hoping by July, I will legally be G. Collerone. I don’t know how long the proceedings take. And I don’t know if I need to make a court date or not. I am a little nervous and excited at the same time.

I think I am going to type up the story of the last two hours of my father’s life. I want to finish it so that it isn’t haunting me anymore. I know I will always have the memories but I just want them written out lest I forget a detail or two. I just hope it doesn’t land me back in the hospital.

I am going to see if my brother-in-law can put in my AC tonight. It’s getting really warm and I hate it. I love it when it is cool not sweltering hot. I can’t believe that I have practically no hair yet my scalp is so itchy. I have tried different shampoos and conditioners, head and shoulders, Selson Blue, you name it yet my head still itches. I think I need to see a dermatologist or something.

I just had my amazing cheeseburger with avocados and pickles. I am still hungry. I might have a yogurt. I bought Greek yogurt with honey. I like Greek better than regular yogurt. It has a creamier texture. Tonight I plan on making steak. I haven’t had it in a long time. I am going to make the Bolognese sauce tomorrow so the ground beef doesn’t go bad. I was planning on making it on Sunday but the meat will go bad by then and I don’t want to freeze it then thaw it out in a few days time. I hope it comes out as good as I am hoping. My mother keeps calling it a “dirty gravy”.

No Sleep Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No Sleep Wednesday

I barely got any sleep last night and when I did, my alarm went off. My groceries were delivered early this morning. I put them all away and was savoring making a burger after my therapy appointment. I had some turkey breast deli meat with some dark chocolate almond milk for breakfast. The almond milk was so damn good. I think I like it better than the vanilla with honey.

Therapy went okay. She was late by almost ten minutes but I still had my time with her. We talked about my sleep and about my ankle. I finally found out what the lump is. It’s a bony formation called enthesophyte. It is really painful and will be needing surgery. I am not looking forward to that. There is also the chance my tendon may be damage from it. It is caused by stress. The ankle service called me this morning so I have an appointment in a few weeks. I think I am going to have to have an MRI to make sure my Achilles is intact. Until then, I will keep doing what I have been doing. Staying off it as much as possible so it doesn’t hurt.

I told my therapist I was sending my psychiatrist blogs left and right. I know I wrote one while I was up at 0230. I don’t know if I sent it to my psych or not. I know I didn’t send it to my therapist. There are somethings I will send to her and others I won’t. I did email my psych to let her know about my ankle. I have no idea what time it was. I know I also told her my sleep sucks but I don’t think it’s medication related. I just have a weird sleep pattern. My therapist kept asking me if I had a dream that woke me up. If I did, I completely forgot it. She must have asked me several times. I just woke up at around 0230 and that was it. After I fell asleep at midnight. I was up for a few hours before I went back to sleep around 0500.

Today marks a month that my father passed away. I keep thinking I need to go to his apartment tomorrow to do his meds but there is nothing I need to do. I have the whole day to myself. And Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I need to get a haircut tomorrow so I think I will hold off on showering until then. I hope I get the same barber as I did last month. I got a real nice cut from him.

I ordered John Adams from Netflix DVD. It’s a 3 disc set but they only sent me the first disc. I am going to watch it tonight. I have been looking forward to this movie for quite some time. I hope I am not disappointed.

I fixed the problem with Amazon but they are still shipping my items separately as well as charging me individually. I am so annoyed. At least it’s free shipping. I just have to pay for the tax. I bought a new watch as the one I had is old and I think the battery is going to die soon. If there was a jeweler’s place that had watch repairs, I would just replace the battery but all those places closed in my area. It really sucks. I ordered a psychology book from a seller but it doesn’t look like they have shipped it yet. I expedited shipping on it because I really want it sooner rather than later. I figure I can read it when I go to Starbucks. I can have my study session there. I don’t know what else to do with my time.

can’t sleep 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Can’t Sleep 3

I seem to be making a lot of posts lately because I can’t sleep. I slept for about 2 hours and then woke up due to pain. Now I am having a hard time getting back to sleep. I am tempted to email my psychiatrist but I don’t want to worry her. I know she is already worried about me. It was apparent when I saw her on Monday.

I am tempted to write out the story that I wrote while I was in the hospital. It will give me something to do and hopefully make me sleepy. I just hope that it doesn’t stir things up. I should read but sometimes reading wakes me up and causes my brain to think of things. I do my best work during these hours so I should be ok. I have nothing I have to do today aside from making sure that I am awake for my grocery delivery and then having therapy in the afternoon. I can sleep after therapy, like I usually do. I then can make my delicious burger that I am looking forward to. I hope I have an appetite by then. I am still full over the dinner I had at the Olive Garden. I ate way too much food, but it was so damn good. I had chicken piccata. The capers were mild and I liked it. Usually, I don’t like capers because the taste is too strong but these weren’t so it was good. The zucchini they served with it, OMG it was so good. I love zucchini. It’s one of my favorite vegetables, especially during the summer. My mother will either buy it or my brother in law grows it in the garden. She makes some good dishes with it. I love it when she fries it up like potato chips with bread crumbs.

I had dessert, cheesecake. I have been craving cheesecake for some time now and I finally satisfied my craving. My friend that I was with said they get it from the Cheesecake Factory. I am going to have to check it out now. There is one in the next town over for me at the mall. They also have my favorite limoncello cake. It is to die for, if you like lemon stuff. I haven’t had it in a while because the price for a slice is ridiculous. Last I checked, I think it was almost $10. It is worth it though, if you have the money and the craving. The nice thing is that you can order the slices without having to have a meal. I remember I brought my niece there one time for her birthday. We were so full on appetizers that when our meal came, we hardly ate it and we had to bring it home. We both laughed because the plates were so huge. We just looked at the amount of food and laughed. I think we each had a bite and that was all we could stomach. It was really funny. I think we ordered the same dish, too.

I was just thinking. Yes, that was me with the smoke in the air. Over the last several months, all I have been talking about in therapy is my father. I thought that once he died, I wouldn’t talk about him anymore yet I still am talking about him. Fucking bastard is taking up my life, even in death. The past few days, I have been thinking of his girlfriend. I think, if I am conscious and sensible, I might give her a call to see how she is doing. She loved my father and he loved her. He talked about her all the time and would sometimes call me her name instead of my own. I didn’t think nothing of it because he was old and stuff. He would correct himself and that would be the end of it. As I was thinking of my father tonight, I remembered how much he loved visiting New York City a few months ago when he was well. He went with his girlfriend. They had gone to the casino first and then drove up to New York. He really had a good time there. I don’t think I have ever seen my father more happy. I am glad he went before he died.

I still can’t believe the decline my father had. It was like in January he was in good health and then after his radiation treatments, he just went downhill. There were problems after problems after that. Then during one of his admissions, while he had some clarity, I became his health care proxy. I was really scared about being it because I was suffering under a deep depression and was afraid my mental status would cloud my judgement. But I did okay, with the help of my sisters. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Not that the decisions I made were that difficult. I just went with what my sister told me his wishes were and carried them out to the best of my ability. The most important thing is that the guy didn’t suffer. It was hard, so bloody hard, seeing him deteriorate. He didn’t eat so eventually became emaciated. It was terrible. He lost so much weight and so quickly. He lost muscle tone and became so weak that just putting on a shirt and pants exhausted him. He would go to sleep afterwards. It was really sad.

I placed a big Amazon order and for some reason, my payment was declined. Now I got to go to the rigmarole of retrying my card. It’s so stupid because the payment went in the first time or I would have gotten a decline when I first placed the order. It’s so stupid. I just hope they don’t charge me individually for the items ordered. I ordered 5 things. I will be pissed if there are 5 charges on my card for one fucking order. They have done this in the past so I am weary.