Tag: hopelessness

random nothingness

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t do anything today but have breakfast. I didn’t have lunch because it was a late breakfast and I am not really hungry.

I had therapy today, on the phone, and my therapist is worried about me losing weight. She hasn’t seen me in months so I doubt that the twenty or so pounds I gained will show up on the phone. I told her I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to go up the next size. I just have to be strict so I had three cookies today. Shows you how committed I am to losing weight. It’s hard not to eat the damn cookies my mother bought. They call my name and I have no will power today because I am hurting. My calves still hurt from either walking up the hill or doing stretches on Monday. I haven’t done that exercise today. I tried the balancing one until my ankle pain exploded and that was the end of that. I did it for about twenty seconds so I say that is an improvement. If I can get to a minute without holding on, that will be a HUGE improvement but I am not holding my breath on that. I don’t like the fact that my foot muscles try and compensate for balancing. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I had to reschedule my PT appointment because of my damn father. I will see him next Tuesday afternoon. I also have to call and reschedule my eye appointment too because my therapist is in the office that day. Bugger. I was banking on her being off that day. Wrong.

I still don’t know what I am going to do about my calf muscles. They hurt and I don’t know if doing nothing is helping or not. I know that my pain level in my ankle hasn’t been affected at all. It still hurts when I do nothing. It is so frustrating being in pain all the time. I still have to go to the pharmacy and pick up my last medication of the month. I don’t know how I am going to finagle that. But I managed to pick it up just a little while ago.

When I got up from the bed, I noticed my vacant spot had a spot on it. Apparently I fucking shit the bed, literally. I am so upset as this hasn’t happened ever to me in my adult life. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing it sooner. I had a feeling I went but there was no loose stool when I went to the bathroom. I thought I was ok but this was just watery stuff. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I am going to have to wear pads. I have been avoiding wearing them because they irritate my skin after a while. I really don’t know what else to do. If I go to the doc, he is just going to refer me to a colorectal surgeon. And I really don’t want a doc poking me there. I am embarrassed more than I can say. This is the second time in a week I have shit myself. I just am not going to fart anymore unless I am on a toilet. Wonder how that is going to last. I really hate myself right now for letting this happen. I thought I felt something my last fart but I wasn’t sure. I feel like an idiot now.

Saturday Blog 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 13

I am wicked sore today after all the poking and prodding the new doc did yesterday. But I persevered and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am supposed to take it only at night but I am in so much pain that I decided to try it during the day. So far, I notice no difference. I will take it tonight and I hope that with my other meds, I get to sleep. I am not sleepy at all from one dose and taking my pain meds. The new doc recommended that I wear a brace so I have that on, though I am ready to take it off because it is hurting me. I have had it on the last few hours so I need a break from it. It hasn’t been helpful for me. Going down the stairs hurts me more than going up with it on.

I think part of the reason I have not crashed is because I had coffee today. I still feel awake and like I can do anything, least mentally wise. I think I am going to write my therapist a letter when I finish this blog. I don’t know what I am going to write. But I will figure something out.

Last night I was in a rough space. The prognosis for my ankle doesn’t look good. The idea that I have to go back to physical therapy after all this time just makes me cringe. I just hope I don’t have a “god” like therapist. I want someone that is willing to work with me, not against me. I don’t know what they are going to do but we’ll see. I start therapy on Monday. I just hope I can find the place. I also hope that the therapist doesn’t treat me for a back injury like the last therapist did. I went to therapy for an obvious ankle injury not because my back was hurting yet I was given exercises for my back.

Due to this prospect, my mood took a hit. I really felt down because I know there is not really much that can be do for tendonitis other than what I have been doing. But the fact that more tendons are involved means that I am not moving my ankle correctly and I know that it is going to be painful to correct it. My stupid brother in law seems to think that I will need back surgery to correct it. He is a complete idiot when it comes to medical stuff. It really pissed me off when he said this because the damage is already done. I am trying to compensate for what I lost and that is why all my tendons are screwed up. And the thought of being in a hinged AFO forever is daunting. The fact that I have to walk with a mobile device is in itself depressing to me. And the fact that this happened almost 14 years ago kills me. I still blame myself for not getting the care I should have. I should have found someone that had experience in nerve rehab. But I was too busy trying to keep my job and stay sane so who had time for that? I didn’t know I wasn’t walking incorrectly. I was also busy fighting the pain of losing what I had and trying to gain it back. I thought, after several years, I was finally going to be okay. I was working close to full time and things were going okay until I got struck with CES again. Then all that I gained back, was lost, this time forever. But I was wiser this time around. I knew what kind of rehab I wanted to get better. And I seriously thought that after 9 months of intense physical therapy, I was better. I had no idea that I wasn’t. But I was too proud to admit that I wasn’t because I found a script from my neurologist saying to be evaluated for an AFO in 2008. If I had followed through, things might have not been as bad as they are today. And I am kicking myself big time for that. It’s my fault because I have no one else to blame.

OSU game will be on at eight on channel 5, least I hope it will. It said ABC so am hoping that is nationwide. I really would love to watch a college football game today. Nebraska killed Rutgers today, 42-24. But watching the game depends on how much pain I am in. Right now I am at an 8 and I am not doing anything but type up this blog. I have my foot up and it still hurts. I know that if I go down the stairs I will be in pain (I don’t have a TV in my room for several reasons). So right now, the game is up in the air, but I definitely will be watching out for tweets on the score and stuff on Twitter.

having a crappy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a crappy day

I was up for almost 20 hours yesterday. I just could not go to sleep. Then I wake up around 0630 so I got 5.5 hours of sleep. Lovely. I had my normal bathroom movements, except this one really hurt me. Sometimes if the stool is hard it aggravates a nerve and I am in pain for hours. So to avoid that I thought I would take some nerve pain medicine and hopefully it would make me sleepy enough to go back to sleep. It did. Though I woke up with a vicious cramp in my foot. It’s raining today so I decided not to go out and asked my mother to pick up my prescription. She did so now I don’t have to worry about it for another month.

When I got up I decided to play my games. No big deal. I felt like I had gas so I let loose. BIG mistake. It was all fucking stool. I couldn’t believe it and I am still shocked and upset about it. Luckily, it didn’t go through my pants and onto my sheets because I would have been devastated. I went downstairs to the bathroom and I shit some more while I was trying to clean myself. This is the third day that I have pooped my pants and I am very upset about it. I would tell my doctors but they wouldn’t understand. I decided to shower after I cleaned myself the best I could. Then I had a decision to make about my underwear. They were full of crap and I really didn’t want to wash them but I did. My first thought was to throw them out but I was afraid that the smell might arouse suspicion and I didn’t want to get caught with literally dirty underwear. Oh the joys of CES. I took a shower after washing my clothes in the sink. Shower felt nice and I was able to fully wash everything and get the shit off me.

For the rest of the day, I have been terrified of farting. I get gas regularly and the pain that builds up if I don’t let loose kills me. I don’t know what I am going to do going forward. I wrote to my group about it and there is a guy that uses protection so I am going to find out what that is so I can use it too. I can’t be too careful when it comes to the bowels. I have gotten used to leaking but I still have not gotten used to crapping myself. It takes a little bit of my self esteem every time I have an accident.

My day was shot after this as I didn’t want to risk losing my bowels in public. Part of the reason I was still home was because my foot cramped up just prior to my waking up around 11. I so wanted to go to Starbucks today. But it just wasn’t in the works after my pooping incident. Thankfully, my therapist called me within a half hour of this happening or who knows what I would have done to myself. I really was contemplating drinking gin until I passed out. Turns out I didn’t need the gin after all as I was able to go back to sleep around 2. I needed the rest as the whole experience just wiped me out. I am so glad my mother wasn’t home. It would have been horrible for her to see me like this.

I made a lot of online purchases today and paid my bills. Now I am broke until my next monthly paycheck. But the stuff I purchased online was stuff that I needed, like diapers and batteries, and my cereal. You can’t go wrong with less than 4 dollars for a box of shredded wheat. I know that the grocery story sells it for at least 5 bucks or more for the big box. I also got a couple of new books. Those will be my writing rewards for when I actually write for my book again.

My father canceled his cardiology appointment for tomorrow. I have to be the asshole to actually call the office and tell them he won’t be coming in. So all the stressing over my therapist’s time was for nothing. I texted her asking her if the time was still available to call me. 10 bucks says she no longer has it available.

Been up since four

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been up since Four

I have been up since four in pain. I took something to calm it down hoping I would go back to sleep but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I slept four hours before I was rudely awakened. I then had breakfast with my mother. We both had the same thing, an egg McMuffin. She made hers her way and I made mine my way. I then hoped to get some sleep but I had a cup of tea and that woke me up. I have been going since. I walked to the store to get some half and half for tomorrow’s coffee, but they didn’t have it. I was bummed so I walked a little more to get some exercise.

I have been playing my game since this morning. The only thing annoying is that the mouse seems to have a mind of its own. I can’t seem to place down crops with it going all over the place first. And trying to drag the homestead is torture. I literally have to hold on to something on the stead to move the board around.

I really wish baseball would play tonight. But it doesn’t until Tuesday. I can only figure they planned it that way so it doesn’t interfere with the NFL games (American football for my UK friends). All this rest is no good for the players, in my opinion. They will play like shit once the game starts.

Today has been a cool day but I still have my ceiling fan on. It’s a little stuff in my room as I keep the door closed at all times. I do this so I don’t hear the noise downstairs of my mother playing her dice game or the TV that is on close to full blast. My mother is deaf so needs things to be loud.

Today while on Facebook, it suggested my consultant as a friend. I couldn’t believe it so had to go to the profile to see if it was truly him. It was. I didn’t friend him because of professional boundaries, but thought it really cool of him to be on social media finally. Now if only I can get him on Twitter.

It has been a while since I last talked to him about stuff. I sent him my book, autographed and everything. I felt like he should have a copy as he has a chapter in it. I don’t know if he read it. He hasn’t written back to me about that. Come to think of it, neither has my psychiatrist really. She did say that is was very personal, which it is. Maybe it is too personal. I just know I haven’t sold a book in a month and that means that I will probably get charged a fee on my checking account. I just did some promoting via Twitter and a Facebook group. I don’t know if it helps but it is worth a shot. Self promoting is a big thing and you need energy for it, especially when you don’t have an agent. I emailed one back in September but never heard back so I don’t think she picked me. Oh well. Her loss, right? Right.

I know I should be working on my co-authored book but my ideas are running low and I think they are stupid. Plus I don’t know what to write exactly because there are no guidelines to really help me. And my co-author isn’t being to helpful with her general ideas about things. I need things to be specific. I am a condensed writer so I cut out the heart of the matter and just get right to the point. I already wrote 17 pages, which is a start but when I was editing, I realized I repeated the same thing three times!! So the best written lines stay and the rest get deleted. That is going to be so hard! I think the third set says it best though. I just have to work on the beginning a little more. Maybe if I write like I did my book it will help me. Like write the introduction, chap 1, etc. it will give me some sort of goal. I don’t know how we are going to mesh this. We haven’t talked about that because she has other fish frying right now. She hopes to publish on of her books sometime in 2015 so I have been giving her some leeway on our book. She wants to have it done by 2016 for the AAS conference. I don’t know if I will be able to attend. It is in Chicago and I would love to go as I love Chicago but my finances are nothing. I’m struggling as it is and saving money is not possible. I was hoping my book was going to be more successful than it has been but it’s not. I feel like a failure because it’s not. People tell me that at least I got a book done. Yea, but I care if they read it because what is the point of writing a book if no one is going to read it??

This week is going to be a long one. I have two doctor appointments for my father. I am going to be wiped out by the end of the week. I am hoping to keep my therapy appointment but it might have to be on the bus or at the train station. Those are my only alternatives as I have to be near my father’s house around 12:30 pm to get my sister’s car so we can get to his appointment on time. I am going to have wicked anxiety about this. Course, just thinking about it now is giving me anxiety. I might cancel the appointment just so I don’t stress myself out. Dealing with my father is going to be stressful enough as it is.