Tag: hopelessness

Pill boxes and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression, suicidality, writing

Just finished filling the pill box for the week. Because I take pills in the morning and evening, I had two to fill. Usually, I just fill one and the other is just take what I want or remember to. I take at least 10 pills at night, not counting my pain pills or PRNs. I don’t know if they help my mood lately but I take them anyway.

I tried writing today. I got a little done, changed a few paragraphs/sentences. But didn’t write anything new. I don’t know what my problem is. The stuff is there, but it just won’t come out. Maybe I am thinking too hard. I don’t know. But I got to get some writing done soon. 2015 is around the corner and I would like to get at least 50 pages done by mid year. Right now I don’t have squat.

I made my coffee wrong this morning. It is way too strong. I don’t understand how I did it as I used the same coffee/water ratio. I drank only a quarter of a cup. It was all that I could stomach. Totally put a dent in my day as I was so looking forward to a nice cup of coffee today. But I knew if I forced myself to drink it all or most of it, I would pay with severe anxiety later on today. But the little I had, took the cobwebs out of my head.

Tomorrow I am getting out the house, even if it kills me. I need to go to Starbucks. I think a change of scenery might be what I need to write what I need to. And unlike my writing partner, I am not bent on page limits or time. She writes at least three pages a day on something and maybe spends an hour or two working on it. I don’t have those restrictions. So why do I have such difficulty writing?? I think it might be that I don’t really want to do it. I have no direction so I don’t know what avenue to write and I don’t want to write one way and then my partner says, no, go this way. Course it is all a matter of interpretation. It is just so frustrating because she is not working on the book right now and I rather have something for when the depression hits and I can’t do shit. It takes a real effort to try and write when I am feeling unmotivated and depressed. That is why my book so long took a year to write. I don’t want the same thing happening to this book.

I guess I should move some shit around my room so my brother-in-law can take my AC out of my room before it starts to rain again. I hear there is supposed to be snow this week so I need to get it out. Sucks having a depression that doesn’t make you want to do things. But mostly it has been my pain levels lately that have determined what I do and don’t do. Which is why my writing is so important to me. If I can’t do anything else, least I can write, but that hasn’t been the case. And it is driving me crazy.

Saturday Blog 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 14

I know I should be watching the OSU game but it’s a tight match between Michigan State and I hate watching nail biting games. I am keeping track of the game via Twitter and my CFB app. It gives me updates of the scores at the end of each quarter.

Another day in which all I did was sleep. I made pancakes today for lunch and I guess the carbs knocked me out. I have been full since and have not had dinner. I just am not hungry.

I have a full week of stuff to do this coming week. Tuesday is a full day. I have PT and then therapy. In the evening, I have my Godmother’s 90th birthday party to go to. I am hoping that PT doesn’t tire me out too much or hurt me. I have a day of rest the following day. Then Thursday I have an appointment with my father that is bright and early. I hate early appointments. I still have to figure out what bus to take to get there. I think I know what it is but I am not sure. And I hate the hospital he is going to. I wish he would just wait and have the surgery where he is scheduled but no. He doesn’t want to wait. Well, the day is coming as we are waiting for these other bozos to evaluate him. It’s so frustrating! Drives me up a wall. Then Friday, I am to pick up my niece. Saturday is my sister’s birthday and we most likely will be going out to dinner somewhere. I haven’t been told where, just to show up, which is typical. I told my other sister that I am broke and she says she got me so I guess that makes me feel a little better. But it still kills me that I have no money to even buy her a card. I feel so bad. But then, I really don’t believe in getting cards for birthdays and such. It is a waste of money as they see them, maybe read them, then they go in the trash. No one saves them. Just a waste.

I still have not thought much about the assignment my therapist gave me the other day. I think she gave it to me to try and combat my negativity toward myself. But I am so pessimistic that I don’t think anything can get through my head but negativity. I still see it as a futile exercise. I guess I am hoping I will get into a hopeful mood and do it one day.

I haven’t taken my nighttime meds yet. I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s getting late and I should take them now rather than wait. I just don’t feel like getting up from my comfy bed. Besides, I want to stay up and listen to the rest of the football game. My meds will knock me out within an hour and I know the game will still be playing. Course, I am tired so taking them now will put me to sleep shortly and I don’t want that.

Lately, I have been thinking of things related to death. I wonder what will happen if I were to die. It’s the same thoughts I have been having for a while now. I struggle with not giving in to them. I haven’t planned my death or anything. But I still think about the thoughts I had while I was in the hospital and wonder if I would be able to go through with them. So far NONE of my plans have made it past the thinking and preparing stage. But that is always what I do. I think, I plan, and it goes no where. Usually because I get derailed by my therapist or if my psych is involved, I go in the hospital. It is going to be a rough two months just having contact with my psych via email. And so far, I have been having a one way conversation with her. I send her email but don’t get a response. So frustrating!

I haven’t heard anything about the reviews yet. I keep checking the website and I noticed there were more attempt survivor stories there. I hope my book gets picked.

Idiot PT guy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Idiot PT guy

I went to physical therapy (PT) today. Guy did some strengthening exercises and they hurt like hell. I am icing my ankle as we speak to try and bring down the swelling and pain. We were talking after the torture and he thinks that he can strengthen my ankle. I just nodded in agreement knowing full well he was wasting his time. If I haven’t regained strength in my ankle after 13 years, I don’t think it’s going to come back. I did a whole lot of PT over the years and I just don’t see how this is going to help me. My foot becomes fatigued which leads to the weakness getting worse. I don’t know what he is feeling but even after all the exercises he did today, I was feeling fatigue and I could tell I couldn’t hold my foot up for very long. He kept telling me to lift my foot so I had to use other muscles to lift it. How is that helping?? I really think that he just doesn’t get what I am telling him. I am not hopeful that my strength is going to come back. We can continue to do the exercises but it’s only going to hurt me in the end.

I also had talk therapy today. I don’t know why I asked for another session tomorrow. I must be out of my head. She totally annoyed me today and I bet anything she is going to annoy me tomorrow. She gave me “homework”, which is to write a blog about how I value myself or something to that effect. She is wasting her time on me if she thinks that I am going to write some bullshit thing about me. I don’t know what she hopes I will gain from this exercise. I have no purpose or worth in my life. I am just a sack of chemicals. And I hurt physically more than I ever have in my life. I have no reason for living. Yet I still continue this existence. Why I don’t know. I am a coward. I would kill myself but I don’t have the energy to do it or plan it. I am just stuck and it sucks.

We talked about my book for a little while. I was telling her a high school friend of mine just bought a copy of it and thought my style was “nice”. I didn’t even know I had a style of writing. I also told her that my second book is troublesome. I don’t know what to write and I am such a condensed writer that for me to expand on something is painful. Just like the band that is around my foot right now. The PT suggested that I wear compression stockings and today I found the pair and am wearing it. It is hurting me so they are not going to last much longer. I am supposed to wear this knee to toe stocking to help decrease the swelling in my leg and ankle. I don’t know how this is supposed to help if the damn thing hurts me. Just doesn’t make any sense.

I have been trying to write about my experience over the past year that lead to my decrease in being suicidal. There are days I don’t think about it like I used to and then there are times I think about it all the time, but only for short periods of time. Not days on end like I used to think. And it is all because I became accountable to a person. She basically guilt tripped me into living. But now I have nothing to live for. My work is done. And I am supposed to write a book about it when I have no motivation. I am such a loser. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. I guess the depression is overwhelming me and I can’t see nothing but gray skies. I feel so utterly useless.

Today as I was listening to Pearl Jam, I thought of writing a blog called “Don’t call me daughter”. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any writing pads with me so the thoughts kind of left me. They are there but I think I will have to listen to the song to write it out. I am too tired now to listen to music just to write. I just want to listen to my old country music on Pandora and relax. Going to PT really wore me out. And I hope that I don’t have mega pain tonight because of it.

I felt like this blog was too short so decided to add to it. I am feeling perplexed because I want to “please” my therapist but what she is asking of me is total bullshit and I don’t write bullshit. I have no value as a human being. I deserve to die. But things seem to keep me here. I have no responsibilities anymore, other than financial. But I am broke most of the time so who cares that I can’t pay a bill. I have 0.89 cents in my checking account right now. I am rich! NOT. And this is stressing me out. I hate November because there are a shit load of birthdays. My sisters, my godparents, my cousins. You name the person and they probably were born in November. I don’t even have money to buy these people a card let alone a gift. Every year is the same. I get gifts from these people on my birthday but I never give in return because I don’t have the money. It is a huge stressor on me.

Tonight, I was going through my blogs and found the post “when jupiter aligns with the crescent moon”. That was one of my psychotic phases. For weeks the voices were out of control and telling me what to do and kept repeating this phrase 24/7. It was driving me nuts. I don’t know if I eventually went in the hospital or not but I have never been that psychotic before. It got me thinking about how I am taking my abilify every other day because of side effects. I hope I don’t become delusional again. I don’t feel it coming on but the depression is driving me crazy. I am more irritable. My sister just told me my nephew wants to take his mother out for her birthday. I really don’t want to go. It’s like I want to stay trapped in my room all the time now. I haven’t left the house except for doctor’s appointments or PT. I don’t remember the last time I went to Starbucks. I think it was last week or the week before when I bought coffee. I hate being irritable and quick to anger.

Another thing the stupid PT guy said was that it has been a long while since I had foot drop. Well, damn, tell me something I don’t know. I still have scar tissue on my nerve root. He says that goes away in time. Really? Why does it still show up on my MRI? AFTER 8 years??? I also have bone spurs in my back. That is fun. Luckily they don’t cause me any discomfort. I really think that if I had another back issue right now, I will kill myself. There is no way I will be able to handle the pain.

Hate Feeling Like an Invalid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hate feeling like an invalid

My mother needed something that required me to meet her half way down the street. I may walked not even two houses down when my ankle exploded in pain. I just had my flimsy slippers on, nothing supportive to say the least, and I paid the price. I fucking hate this. So much for wanting to go out today and work on my book. So much for wanting to move stuff around my room so that my brother in law can get my AC out of the window. I am stuck in bed with my leg up. This fucking sucks so bad. I hate when this happens. It feels like someone is stabbing me repeatedly, trying to take my malleolus bone out. It hurts very bad and now the pain has moved into my toes. I might have to put an NSAID gel on it to help decrease the pain a few notches.

I started writing in my book and then I got stumped on a word. The flow stopped. I couldn’t think of the name of the word I wanted to use for the life of me. I knew it began with an “A” but that was all my brain could produce. I had to search through emails to jog my brain of the word I wanted to use. After that, my thoughts left me. I wrote small paragraph and couldn’t go on. I planned on writing later but now that is not going to happen because I will be drugged up from my pain meds. I am so upset that this pain has ruined my life.

I am really hoping my therapist calls me today. But she hasn’t responded to any of my texts so I am not sure she will. We will be talking tomorrow so I hope I can hold on until then. I still am upset that I won’t be seeing my psychiatrist for a long time. She is out with a broken hip. I thought I might hear back from her today with the emails I sent her but I haven’t.

I feel so fucking useless. You would think that because I spend most of my time at home, I would get more writing done than I do but between the meds and the pain, I just can’t think sometimes. Most of my thoughts become clouded once I start taking my pain meds or my muscle relaxants. Even writing this blog is difficult and I am trying really hard to stay focused.

In case you are reading my blog for the first time, I have an ankle injury that was originally caused by cauda equina syndrome. I was left with foot drop because my nerves were compressed when a disc exploded in my back. Since then, I have sprained my ankle and stretched my tendons causing serious tendonitis going on. I don’t walk normally, but I compensate by using other muscles and such. I don’t walk with a limp because of this compensation. I have restarted physical therapy for the umpteenth time over the last 13 years since getting cauda equina. It has been a long road. The pain has made me disabled as I can’t walk too far and I can’t stand too long. It fucking sucks because my two feet are my made mode of transportation as I don’t own a car anymore. Which reminds me that I forgot to call the junk yard today. I have been meaning to call for months now and I have yet to do it. I keep saying tomorrow but that has been way too many tomorrows since August. I will try and call tomorrow. It’s the best that I can do. I keep telling myself that the incentive is getting at least $200 cash but that still doesn’t motivate me to call. I am such a loser.