Tag: hopelessness

I’m the Problem

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I’m the problem

A few days ago, I got a comment on one of my blogs saying that my therapist isn’t the problem, I am. I was bullshit because how could I be the problem when my therapist was the one freaking out over my suicidality. Then I read my blog that was commented on. The commenter missed the point I was trying to get across and was blaming me for my problems because I wasn’t seeing things “her” way. I was “choosing” to stay depressed and suicidal rather than getting my shit together and moving forward. If only it was that easy.

It got me pretty upset. I have been trying to get a hold of my therapist to get her input. I know she is NOT going to blame me for my problems. The whole point of this blog might be kind of stupid but I can’t sleep and it is on my mind. And I know that I won’t be able to sleep until I get the thoughts out.

The fact of the matter is that I have a therapist that freaks out whenever I bring up my suicidal tendencies or thoughts about death. I find it isolating because I can’t talk about these feelings with her. How can I when she becomes so tense and flips out? I feel that therapy should be a place that you can talk about anything in the world that is bothering you. But suicidal thoughts are so taboo that it is difficult to engage in that kind of talk. I have been through this with my therapist for the past 10 years and it is always the same. She starts talking about things that have nothing to do with my suicidality and I am left feeling alone and helpless. So how am I the problem when I can’t talk about how I feel when I know it will be falling on deaf ears?

This commenter also brought out that I am irresponsible, “choosing” to spend my money on coffee and music rather than my bills, which is totally untrue. I can’t make ends meet because I am on limited income and have more bills than I can pay. So some months I buy coffee and my country music because I think I earned that right. I don’t skip a bill payment because I pay for it. It just means that I can’t get to eat out or pay for groceries. I think I am responsible enough to know what to pay for and what is frivolous. I have 5 bills I am responsible for every month and I pay them even though it leaves me with little left over for things like coffee and music. And I shouldn’t have to explain to the internet what I spend my money on. This commenter just has an assumption that is wrong, all because she thinks she is an expert in financial matters.

I use my coffee spending as a reward and my one joy in life. If that is too much for you Ms. Expert, go suck an egg. I am not going to stop spending a miniscule amount of money for coffee just because you think I am being a big spender. I wish I had the money to be a big spender but I don’t. I am on a fixed income every month and have to make do with what I have. I don’t work anymore because I have chronic pain and mental illness that requires at least two hospitalizations a year. But then, if you think that this is all bullshit, try a day in my shoes. I am sure you will topple over the first hour.

My suicidality makes me a “difficult” patient. No therapist wants to see their client die by suicide. No therapist wants to see their client hurting so bad they want to hurt themselves. It is a challenge to the mental health field. I have worked hard on this blog to tell my story and hope that it helps someone. After your bogus comments, I was questioning whether to continue. But fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I am not going to stop blogging because of your ignorance and high almighty attitude. People need to know what it is like living like this, and living through it, though it is difficult, extremely difficult at times. If you can’t understand it, stop reading my blog and go bother someone else.

pissed off therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Pissed off therapy session

I took a nap before my therapy session which probably wasn’t the brightest idea in the book but oh well. I usually wake up just before session but this time I overslept and woke up to the phone ringing. Rats! I really wasn’t looking forward to talking to her today, especially after what “didn’t” get talk about yesterday.

I told her I didn’t see the point in seeing her and she told me this was a “place to process things”. I laughed. Really? Because that hasn’t happened in ages!! She dropped the issue and I didn’t want to pursue it anymore as I could feel my anger rising. I seriously don’t think she has a fucking clue as to how I am doing anymore. We spent the majority of the conversation talking about how many spoons are going to be spent dealing with my father over the next few days. That is all she seems to want to talk about lately: Spoons. “Spoons” is another word for energy spent on stuff. I got it from a lady with Lupus and you can read the article here. I thought that paper she wrote was typical of all that I go through on a daily basis, from getting dressed, to taking a shower, to making breakfast, etc.

Lately my “spoon” supply has been low and I guess dealing with my therapist just drains it lately. By mid session, I am wanting out of talking with her. I can’t stand 50 minute sessions with her anymore. They are driving me crazy when I don’t feel like talking. And I don’t feel like talking not because there is nothing to talk about, but because I am tired of the way therapy is. I thought that after a while, I would find therapy helpful and insightful. That it would bring meaning to my life but those are just fantasies that never get fulfilled. Granted the last 10 years have been tough with my suicidality and such. But you would think by now she would be used to it and handle it better. She doesn’t and it just makes me shut down. I feel more alone with every passing session because the one person in the world that should know me, doesn’t. I kept thinking about the Mockingbid song my Rob Thomas. The lyrics are stunningly close to how I feel about therapy. The Chorus is right on target:

Everybody else is smiling
Man, their smiles don’t fade
You don’t even wonder why
You just don’t think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere
We can’t move on and we can’t stay here
Maybe we’ve just had enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing
Man this life seems hard enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

We have tried everything to keep this therapy going. Consults, different therapy avenues, etc. But they never seem to help. I might get a transference session in where I talk about what is wrong with everything but then the next session is like I didn’t speak at all. Things are back to status quo. It really pisses me off. Now I am just hounded by thoughts of whether I should be here or not and I am again alone in dealing with them because my bozo therapist is too anxious to hear what I have to say. She doesn’t listen and she just talks the talk in circles now. I am not asking her to cure me of my thoughts but not having a place for them is really hurting me. But I understand that therapists have their own shit to deal with. But I just once wish that my therapist of 14 years would take a Xanax and let me talk. Otherwise, I think I will just give up therapy once and for all as much as it pains to be even type these words. There is getting nothing out of it if you cannot share your inner most, darkest, thoughts.

I have been down this road with my therapist for some time. It is a well beaten path. I just wish she would restrain herself some and listen more to what I have to say than get all bent out of shape when I mention suicide, or being gone, or leaving therapy. A seasoned therapist should know how to do this by now and I shouldn’t have to write this blog to get the message across, yet again…

Day 2 of TS

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging

Day 2 of TS

I am on day 2 of listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t stop listening to it. The songs are so good. There isn’t a song I don’t like. And with the song/hit “Shake it off” I can’t stop moving when I am listening to it. I have to bob my head or just dance in my seat. I am really enjoying this album. It might become my favorite.

Last night, I got really depressed. Not suicidally depressed, but enough that made wonder if life was worth living. I don’t know what got me into the funk, probably the sun going down because it happened around that time and the mood got worse as the night wore on. I haven’t sleep more than 3 hours today. I went to sleep at 1 and woke up at 4. Tried to go back to sleep at 6 but couldn’t really get a good rest. I gave up around 10 as I got hungry. I finished off the rest of my Chinese food. Then my sister offered me peppers and sausages so I had some of that. I am planning on ordering a pizza later for dinner. With fries because I haven’t had them in a long time. My niece and I will devour them, I am sure. I still have to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. I think I will do that before I pick up the little one. She is still sick and I am weary of being around her because I really don’t want to get sick. I haven’t decided if I am going to get half cheese and half pepperoni or just get half pizza and then a steak and cheese. I am on the fence. Guess I will decide later. I am not hungry right now so I can’t say what I want.

My legs are hurting me for some reason today. Every time I stand on them, they feel like they are going to give out on me. Weird. So far they haven’t and I hope that continues. It will suck to fall.

I tried to write with my mood being dark last night but being tired interfered with good writing. I think I just wrote a page in my book because I was obsessing over 1989. I had to see if I got the digital booklet on my phone (I didn’t) so had to use the computer to download it. I got all the lyrics to the songs, which would save me a bunch of Google searches. In my search I found an article by Edwin Shneidman about commonalities on a good death. It is a really interesting article but for some reason I read the first paragraph and then I keep getting distracted. Since his death, I have been having trouble reading his stuff. I miss him. I wish we could have had a conversation about psychache and constriction and lethality. It would have been awesome to pick his brain. But my last conversation with him, he was cranky so I never bothered him again. Then he died a month later. I guess I am still devastated by his death. I knew it was coming as he was having major health problems. I just have to move on and be able to read his material. I know I won’t be sorry reading it as I always learn something from it, even if it is my second or third time reading it.

I am still waiting to hear back from my father’s doctor and my doctor. I am so annoyed I haven’t heard anything. I got to call my father soon and tell him he has an appointment on Monday and maybe that will settle his anxiety some. I will have to explain to him that he has to go to this appointment because it for his pre operation stuff. Without this, he cannot have surgery. He is scheduled for three weeks, though I am trying to move it up the best I can. I am hoping that when the doc sees him on Monday he can do something for my father.

I have not written anything today other than this blog. I am too tired to come up with something. I was hoping to come up with something last night as I had the itch to write but nothing came of it. I got sucked in TS world and that was it.

My mother is making cookies. I hope they are something good.

Ramblings 70

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I didn’t go out today because I had babysitting duties for my sick niece. So I spent the day watching her. I tried to play my games but am getting bored with them. I always have to request stuff and it just gets redundant after a while. I know that if I didn’t get stuck babysitting, I would have gone out today and had a latte. I miss going to Starbucks and tomorrow I will get one dammit!

I didn’t do any writing today. My ankle has been bothering me on and off so I really wasn’t in the mood to write. Maybe later on tonight when I no longer am babysitting.

I no longer have the “favorite books of the year” logo on my Amazon site. It is kind of a bummer not seeing that. I knew it was too good to be true. But I sold a few books on Kindle. It feels good knowing this promotion is helping my sales. I have been promoting it primarily through Twitter, which then feeds into my Facebook page. I am probably annoying my friends about my book by now. But I want the book to be out there.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day, mostly in the sense that I want to sleep. I just can’t understand it. I have nothing to really be depressed about, though I am stressing over tomorrow’s dealings with my father. I have to deal with his drama and I don’t even know what that is going to entail tomorrow, but I’ll find out. I am just so sick of going to every medical appointment with him. I just hope it isn’t an all day affair with him. I really don’t want to be in the hospital all day. And I know I am going to be out for more than 4 hours, I am going to wear the new diapers that I bought just to be on the safe side of things. I hadn’t had any more bowel or bladder problems but I want to stay dry and if I do fart with friends, at least I won’t stain my underwear.

I know it’s not helping my blood pressure being stressed out over him. And I know I have gained a few more pounds as my pants are tight around the middle. Because I was babysitting, I forgot to call my doctor to schedule an appointment and my eye doctor to reschedule. I feel bad that I had to reschedule the appointment for my eye doc twice now but I didn’t look on the calendar when I made the appointment. It is nothing major with my eye, just my annual exam because I have noticed some vision changes.

I am hurting really bad today with all kind of pain in my butt. It is mostly nerve pain that I am feeling. But it is wicked aggravating because there is nothing that I can take for it. I just have to ride it out. Sitting is difficult. I am glad that I have a foam topper on my bed so that helps a little bit. Still feels like I am sitting on glass at times.

Had therapy today. Damn therapist still wants me to do this affirmation exercise. I told her to shut up about it and called her a few names today but she was undeterred. I don’t even think she registered me calling her names. But she shook the Bostonian in me when she started making fun of me when I said “AH” instead of “R”.

I have to renew my anti-virus software program soon. I am dreading it because it is so expensive. But I like to keep it up to date just in case I do get hit with a virus or spam or phish. I used to like it back when they didn’t automate and you could keep the software but it just wouldn’t update your system. Now they just stops working and you are unprotected. I found that out when I let my subscription expire. It was like the thing uninstalled itself because I didn’t renew. It sucked when I did renew because I forgot my password and email that I used when I signed up. I apparently had three accounts for the different laptops/computers I was using. I had to delete the other two and keep just the one, and to do that, I had to talk with a representative. It sucked.