Tag: lack of sleep

Lab work is back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lab work is back

I just got my lab results. My potassium is low but it could have been lower had it not been sitting around all day in the lab. I am so mad that I didn’t drop off the bloods myself. But as I am no longer an employee in the hospital, I can’t do things like that anymore. Thing that makes me wonder if the labs were accurate is because my CO2 level was also low, which probably means the cap was off the top for a while before the tube was analyzed. I am not happy about this. But there is nothing I can do, and that pisses me off.

I have been trying to get settled down to get some sleep but my brain is angry. I know nothing will probably get done about the result other than possibly to eat a banana or something. I don’t like bananas unless they are a certain type of ripeness. That is the only way I will eat them. I emailed my psychiatrist about the lab results. I didn’t tell her the labs were sitting around all day. I probably should have. I really miss her though. I don’t know when she will be back in the office. She hasn’t answered any emails from me, but then she is probably busy.

I fee tired but I am afraid that if I go to bed now, I will wake up around midnight or a few hours after midnight. I doubt I will be able to sleep past three o’clock. I never took a nap because I just wasn’t tired or sleepy, despite taking my pain meds. I thought for sure my meds would knock me out but I was wrong. Must have been the espresso I drank that kept me going. I took my night meds so hopefully that will cause some sleepiness. I have been up almost 20 hours. That is a long time. I probably won’t do anything tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to go to my father’s but I have no idea what the stupid VNA is going to do about his meds. They called me again and the nurse from Sunday left no messages for the nurse today. So I had to repeat everything and go over everything once more. Idiots. Then she has to call the PCP to verify what I am saying is true. What the hell you asking me for?? I am so damn annoyed.

I should probably read something. That always puts me to sleep but sometimes it wakes up my brain. I had to shut the music off because it was giving me a headache. It was also annoying me because I didn’t know what I wanted to listen to. I must have skipped several songs before shutting it off, three of them from Bon Jovi and I love listening to them. I am just worried that my potassium is what is causing all this stuff to happen to me because I haven’t been eating right. I ate tonight but now I feel like a cow. I am so bloated. I probably won’t eat anything tomorrow. I seem to be skipping days. The appetite is just not there. I am surprised because I took some gabapentin Saturday so I was expecting to be ravenous. Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. The NP didn’t want to blame it on the depression. She just called it stress. I was too out of it to argue with her. It had been at least 12 hours since I last had something to eat when I saw her so was in and out of being hungry. Surprisingly, my blood sugar was within norms, though it was high for fasting at 92. I have been trying to get my sugar lower to at least between 70-80 but it hasn’t been working for me. I just hope my A1C levels are normal. I don’t think I can handle being a diabetic.

So Tired I Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So Tired I can’t Sleep

I have been taking pain meds for most of the day because my ankle is killing me. I was hoping for a nap but I never got one. Even now I feel like I could lie down but sleep will elude me. I think I need to take an Ativan. I just feel sort of restless. I am nervous that my pain will keep me from going out tomorrow night. I haven’t seen my friends in at least two months. We were supposed to go out last month but my friend got sick and we had to postpone. I will be upset with myself if I cancel the last minute. I want to go out but that is going to be hard for me to walk. I will take my cane, anyways, just in case the pain becomes bad again.

I can’t wait to talk to my therapist. We have a lot to discuss. I really want to talk to her about the last chapter I read in the Suicidology book. It was interesting to me because it stated that by law, mental health professionals are under no obligation to provide decent care. Yet for suicidal care, the standards are lower. I find this interesting and infuriating. The author redeemed himself by stating that “no Harm” contracts are rubbish toward the end of the chapter and may be more harmful than anything. I find it interesting that the author didn’t cite a psychologist that wrote an article about “no harm” contracts. I am starting to think this book is biased toward psychiatry than the mental health profession as a whole.

I am finding it difficult to write still. I haven’t worked on my book in so long. I should organize some of the documents that I want in the book in a folder so I know which ones I am thinking of publishing. I have it in my mind but I can’t trust it lately. I forget after a while and if I don’t do this, I am screwed when it comes time to put things together. I am still working on my root story. Maybe tomorrow morning I will have a look at it and see if I can write some more. The owl stuff that I was thinking about never materialized. Though, I could put it in the root story somehow. I am percolating a story about narcissism. I just need to do a little more research before I can write it. I’m trying to justify buying a $90 messenger bag with a Pearl Jam logo on it. I think if I can do some writing for the month of February, it can be my writing reward.

I had a cup of tea to settle the queasy feeling in my stomach. I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning. When I got up from not being able to nap, I had some pop tarts. That is all that I ate today. An egg burrito and a couple of pop tarts. I just have no appetite today. I hope it returns tomorrow because I will be going out to eat with my friends. It drives me crazy that I am either really hungry or not at all some days. Either way, it is not a good habit for trying to losing weight.

I was writing in my journal tonight. I started at 0125 this morning so I have had a very bad day trying to sleep. I hope I am not becoming manic again. I don’t see how as I have been taking my meds. I haven’t been taking my blood pressure pills but that is because I am out of them and my doctor’s office hasn’t called it in yet. If I don’t get them tomorrow, I will call the office and see what the hold up is. I should have gotten them last week when I saw the NP but she was running late and I had things on my mind that weren’t medication related so I forgot. I should have written it down or at least put it in my phone to remind myself. I always forget the phone has a memo thing on it. I guess you can say I am old school and haven’t caught up to technology yet.

I feel like watching a movie. Lincoln is a good movie to watch when you are tired. I know the movie by heart so I know when to snooze but I don’t remember where I put the DVD. I know it’s in the Gone with the Wind DVD but I don’t know where that is right now. I would have to get up and look for it but that risks aggravating my ankle. Not going to happen. I will look for it tomorrow.

Sleep Eludes Me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleep Eludes Me

I had about a three hour nap. I woke up coughing for some reason and now my foot has decided to ache again. I guess the pain meds wore off. The weather is to blame for this. I keep thinking I did something wrong with the disability papers, that I wrote something that I shouldn’t have or that I didn’t give them enough of what hell I am living. I wish I could die right now. I hate having this pain in my foot. It is quite severe. But it only happens at night. Never during the day when I am likely to see a damn doctor.

The coughing scared me because I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know if I was choking on my spit or air. It’s all hazy now. I guess I got the rest I needed for the day as I woke up around 0420. I don’t remember what time I fell asleep but I know it was around 0100 or later. I was fighting sleep then because I was in pain. Then it occurred to me that I should probably lay down and maybe I will pass out and I did. Only to wake up three fucking hours later. UGH.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I am still kind of sleepy and know that my pain meds will kick in shortly. I really need sleep. I want sleep. I don’t want to stay up all day with just three hours of sleep under my belt. It’s pissing me off that I can’t sleep right. And all because of fucking pain. I keep hearing Adele’s voice in my head. Her songs from her album are shuffling in my head as if they were playing. I don’t want to listen to music right now. It might wake me up and that is something I don’t want to happen. I don’t know if this music is normal or psychotic. It keep changing and the lyrics are the same so I am guessing it’s normal except the volume is on high. The lyrics are the same. They aren’t twisted as if they are talking to me or anything. I hate when music “talks” to me or has hidden meanings for me. It ruins my appreciation for the music. The last time music had its twisted themes and meanings, I ended up in the hospital. That was when the song “sirens” by Pearl Jam was stuck in my head, and I mean literally. Even if I played it to get it out of my head, it would still talk to me.

My blog about hygiene was posted in a mental health blog. I am either in the “leisure” section or the “entertainment”. This time I was in the “leisure”. I didn’t think that blog was so great, but I guess someone thought it was.

I got to do another grocery order. I am down to my last box of cereal. I am also going to try and get the slim fast stuff. I need to try and lose weight so my pants fit me again. I refuse to go up another pants size, especially after I bought three new pairs of jeans. I will try and get salad as well. I like having baby spinach but my damn mother ends up boiling it. It so frustrates me. I also need to get my cream and almond milk. I really like the almond milk, though I don’t think I am going to get the one with honey again. It just has a weird after taste. I should also get soy milk as I like that as well. I like the chocolate one and can suck it down like it’s going out of style.

Just in a Bitchy Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just in a Bitchy Mood

I woke up early in the morning, like 0230 early. I was not happy. I only slept a few hours at that point. Then I go back to sleep about an hour later after I took some more Nyquil and Neurontin. I woke up around 1045 and I was hungover, most likely because of the Neurontin. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had my therapy appointment and I couldn’t blow it off. I got a call from my psychiatrist’s office. She had to reschedule my appointment for Friday. I don’t know why she didn’t call or email me. Now I am worried. I hope she didn’t have a setback. My only other explanation is the red tape the hospital has on coming back to work after being out for a while.

Because my sleep has been all fucked up, my tolerance has been extremely low. I was at Starbucks and the damn sun, which was reflecting off the building across the street, annoyed the crap out of me. It was just too damn bright. I wish the sun came with a dimmer switch sometimes. Then there was a girl that was talking silly to a boy in front of her. It just annoyed me. I just wanted her to shut up so I could listen to my music on my headphones. I really need to get noise cancelling headphones. I had a pair but they broke. I know Bose makes a pair of headsets that are noise cancelling but they are wicked expensive for my budget.

I had therapy today and we talked about things. I found out that she loves me sincerely but it’s not the kind of love like in a sexual relationship, which relieved my anxiety. I still don’t know why she loves me as I think I am unlovable. I asked her if she thought I was special and she goes into a tirade about stuff and I am like does that mean yes or no? She finally answered yes and then went on to explain that she doesn’t know where these questions come from. She still blames it on the trauma that I have been through. She brought up again the reason I don’t accept good feelings or reject good intentions is because of the complex PTSD that I have. I asked her if I have borderline traits and she said that I didn’t. I didn’t think that I did because I don’t have emotional dysregulation that borderline traits or borderline personality disorder have. I used to, but not anymore.

We also talked about my father and how narcissistic he is. I asked about narcissistic injury and she just didn’t explain it well. She basically told me to google it. I wanted to google it before writing this blog but I am not in the mood to google. I might do a separate blog about it. I also told her that I was nervous about the SSD review. I haven’t heard anything for a month now. And she hasn’t gotten any paperwork from them. Makes me think that my case is in limbo.

We talked briefly about my suicide thoughts. I told her I wanted to get some really lethal means and she was shocked about this. It was because of my crapping my pants last night that I have had enough of dealing with this. I haven’t told her about the voices telling me to do things. I’m hoping they will go away on their own. I just have a week until my MRI and then my stress level should level off. I haven’t been feeling paranoid or delusional. Just having voices talk to me all the time telling me to do things. And they are not my “normal voices”. If they were, then I wouldn’t be so worried. I hate hearing foreign voices. I know it’s because I am stressed. I have a lot on my mind. Having a fucked up sleep schedule is not helping either. Most of it has to do with having this stupid cold that I have. I wake up congested and not being able to breathe. It’s getting better but I am not quite well yet.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks. I used my cane because my leg has been bothering me. I am glad I did because on the way home, my thigh really started to hurt me. I haven’t done anything but walk, not too far though. I got my prescription from the pharmacy on the way home. One of them was stuck in limbo because of some computer glitch. My mother called to see where I was and when I told her, she said she wanted the paper. When I came home she said supper is what ever I want to make. I knew I should have ordered pizza and fries. Now I’ll probably have just a bowl of cereal.