Tag: mental illness

Zero Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Zero Suicide

For most of the day, I have been reading on Twitter, “Zero Suicide”. While I believe in decreasing the suicide rate, I don’t ever think there will be zero suicide in any population, in any country of the world. In the words of the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, he stated before his death, “well how many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. So there is a morality. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I am for suicide prevention”. That to me, sums up the notion there can never be zero suicide. To think that one day there can be, is just foolish. Now to prevent suicide, that is another ball game. I believe that there should be every effort to prevent a suicide from happening. But to do that, you will have to do quite a few things. Suicide must be talked about like cancer is talked about. Cancer was once considered taboo. People thought if you talked about it, you could get it. So it is with suicide, that talking about it will lead to someone taking their life. This is a myth. The next is that if you are suicidal, you will be forever. As Shneidman has explained, suicide is a time limited event. It doesn’t last forever. You might, like me, have lingering thoughts of suicide or once your mental pain has decreased, you no longer think about taking your life.

It just angers me when people talk about “zero suicides”. I get the sentiments but I just think it is foolish without serious interventions and preventions out there. Increasing hotlines or having your family doc talk openly about it. All that is needed is usually an open ear. Increasing services rather than taking them away. Decrease wait times for call back services or for psychiatric crisis teams. If there were more people who actually had help that was available to them rather than waiting months for an appointment, there definitely will be less suicides, possibly. This has to be more than words on a sheet of paper. I once heard of a case in the UK that a woman was waiting desperately for a callback from their crisis team, for days. She was begging them for hospitalization. They denied it or there wasn’t a bed available so she ended up killing herself. Her daughter was left to deal with the aftermath. I know things like this happen in the US as well. My friend’s daughter was once in the ER for days before there was a bed available at a psych hospital/unit.

I just think that if more mental health professionals dealt with suicidal people rather than pawn them off to hospitals, there might be less suicides. I am not saying that is the answer to every case, but if outpatient services are afraid of suicide, how is the client supposed to trust them?

Twitter Rant 01.10.2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

People seem to think that my writing of suicide is what leads me to think about suicide. It’s quite the opposite. It helps me to think of ways to control my suicidality and work against the dark feelings by expressing myself in a clinical way. By me thinking of this as clinical, it helps me compartmentalize the feelings so they aren’t so powerful that I do impulsive things. But then I am fighting the stigma that talking about suicide, leads to suicide and that is hurtful. By my writing about coping with suicide I not only free myself of the thoughts, but I may also help someone in the process. That is my goal when I share my papers about Edwin Shneidman and David Jobes. Their work about psychache and CAMS (collaborating, assessment, and management of suicidality) really help me focus on not killing myself. If we talk about suicide like we do cancer survival, maybe we might decrease the suicide rate. if suicide wasn’t a taboo topic anymore, there might be some healing and actually lead to more discussion and openness.

Broken Routines

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I got an email from TiVo saying that I could get a lifetime product for their new Roamio sets. I would love to upgrade to a new system as mine is over 12 years old. It still works good and all but I think it is time for an upgrade so I can record more shows at the same time. But, alas, I can’t afford the Roamio and the offer is only good until Jan 28th. Rats.

I was reading an old blog that I wrote almost two years ago about clutter. In it, I described my current life situation where I have clothes and papers all over the place without a home. I am unable to find a home because I don’t have a place to put them. So they just stay in piles. I use the piles because I do have to change clothes a few times a week. The reason I don’t go through the piles often is because I don’t shower every day like I used to. I shower maybe 3-4 times a week, if that, and it depends on my mood and pain level. I try to shower at least every other day but some times that is just not possible. Very rarely do I shower on consecutive days. I notice when I don’t shower a lot when my mother does the laundry. I can’t do the laundry because I don’t do it her way. I will have a small pile of clean clothes, which basically means, I didn’t shower too often that week.

I read an article today about how sunshine may contribute to suicide. But in the same article, it said that sunshine for 14-60 days was preventative against suicide. So if you have sun for less than 10 days, you may commit suicide. Makes sense to me because I have found that at the peak of summer, my suicidality goes through the roof with the heat and sunshine. I can’t stand it. Give me cloudy days any day! Luckily in Boston, we don’t have consecutive days of sunshine. Though it may be what is contributing to my suicidality the last couple of days. The study took out the seasons variability factor. Here is the link to the article if you are interested. It is a bit technical and at times confusing but well worth the read. The interesting finding in the study was that women were more likely to die by suicide than men. Usually, the reverse is true. But the authors didn’t mention that at all, least not in the overview. here is a simpler version of the same article: sunshine and suicide

I had therapy today. I wish I could say that it was encouraging but I felt like it was work and a whole lot of bullshit. My therapist was trying to tell me that I need to be validated and that I am missing that because I am so isolated. Her contact is the only human contact I get now a days. I don’t talk with my mother about any thing related to me. I don’t talk to my sisters about what is wrong. My psychiatrist is out in cyberland somewhere and I can’t always get a response from her. So the only people I “talk” with are my Twitter followers, and sometimes, my Facebook friends. And with me feeling wicked down on myself and wanting to kill myself, she feels like I am too isolated and need more contact with people. Trouble is, there aren’t a whole lot of people I talk with, even while I was working. Sure I socialized with my coworkers while working but rarely did our friendship leave the office. Since being out of work, even my closest friends never call me or text me like they used to. I used to text them all the time but when I started getting no responses, I stopped. It’s been almost three years since I have been out of work. And yes, this time of year always sucks for me, but not having social support is hurting me. Sure I have my writing and my blog, but I don’t always get responses to every post I publish. And yesterday, I really was looking for validation on one of my papers that I sent to a clinical social worker. He totally missed what the paper was about. He thought it was more about the song than the content I was writing about. That hurt me more than words can express. And that is the other thing. Lately, I have been having trouble expressing myself either on Twitter or my blog. I don’t know what is holding me back but I just cannot say what I feel anymore. Last night was a difficult night, again, and I all I could do was spout off lyrics of the songs I was playing. The hardest part was trying to keep it within 140 characters and still be able to quote the artist.

My mood is all over the place. One minute I am hanging by a thread and the next I am okay. Right now, there is a heaviness in my chest. It’s almost 2000 and already my mood has winded down. I don’t know if I can stand another painful night of heartache. I don’t know what is causing me such misery. It’s not my anniversary, yet, of my surgeries and when my life changed forever. Granted I was talking to a friend and we were talking about how my ankle is being such a downer. I can’t do stairs and yet I am supposed to do PT tomorrow. I really don’t see the fucking point of going to PT. I know I am always going to be in pain. Any activity is going to hurt me. But I have become so reclusive. I don’t go out, unless I really have the motivation to do so. I still have funds for my Starbucks from my birthday and Christmas gifts but I really haven’t gone out more than once a week. The routine used to be have therapy, get dressed, catch the bus, and then go to Starbucks. Now it more like have therapy and then catch a nap, write a blog, have dinner, then go to sleep. I really have to psych myself up to go out. I don’t talk with anyone human, except for my mother. Some days I don’t really talk with her at all except to make dinner plans. If I talk with my sisters, it is via text message, though lately my sister has been calling me. But outside of family, there is no other communication. I might chat with my Twitter buddies but it’s not instantaneous. And lately, I just haven’t been feeling up to chatting. I just stay in my room because it is quiet and I play my annoying game. So that is what I do all day. Nothing at all. I am really useless.

Sun Downing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Had a rough time last night. Thoughts were so hopeless and I was filled with despair. I tried tweeting my thoughts but I couldn’t form words to my pain. It was agonizing not being able to express myself. I wanted to read something about suicide that would help me realize that life was worth living but I was paralyzed with fear that if I read something negative, it might push me over the edge on I was on. I was trying to find “suicidal mind” to ease my psychache but I had no idea where to look. Today I know where to look and after I write this blog, I am searching for it. I think it is in my Psychache binder folder. I hope so anyways. If I don’t find it, I will buy another copy when I get paid in two weeks. I texted my therapist to call me if she has a chance. I need her calming voice that things are going to be okay.

I don’t know how things went south. I think it was the sun downing experience I get when I am deeply depressed. My mood gets worse when the sun sets, but unfortunately, the sun had already set when my mood shifted. Usually after 8 pm (2000), my mood goes south, more so this time of the year than at any other time. It usually starts the end of September and ends any where the middle of February to the middle of March. It is when my suicidal thoughts are at their worst. There has been documentation about this in bipolar people. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, Night falls Fast, I think states that is the worst time of year for bipolars to commit suicide. If it isn’t that book, it is the book “Touched with Fire”. Both are very good books and I think are in my Useful Books page.

Right now I am starting to feel sad. I have been listening to a variety of music on my phone to get me out of this funk I am in but it’s not helping me. They say when you are depressed you analyze lyrics more than words to the song. Or something like that. And I have been doing that. If I could have YouTube on repeat for Carrie Underwood’s song “Something in the Water”, I would. I find this song uplifting. It’s on my music to buy list, which is getting longer each month. I hate not being able to buy music when I want to. When I was working, this wasn’t a problem but being on a fixed income, you learn to budget. And you allow certain funds to go towards entertainment. Usually I get a few songs a month but Carrie just came out with her first Greatest Hits CD and I want it! It has all my favorite Carrie songs, and a few I don’t know. The new song, Something in the water is on this CD collection. I just can’t decide if I want the physical CD or the MP3 version. I have a few weeks to think about it. Until then, YouTube is playing my song, even if I have to hit play a few times.

My little niece called me to pick her up but after my doctor’s appointment today, I need to rest my ankle. I have to pick her up tomorrow and if I do too much today, I will be toast. My ankle is starting to throb so I really shouldn’t tax it. She will just have to wait until her mother picks her up when she gets out of work. I feel bad and it only worsens my depression because I can’t do things like I used to. It still amazes me that I was able to work 2 jobs while in horrible pain and now can’t even work one. Course, I passed my breaking point when I had to wear an AFO. I just wished I had chosen the research job over the clinical job. Working 20 hours would have been a severe pay cut but at least I still would have a job and maybe be able to finish school finally.

Throbbing is moving into my foot. I fucking hate when that happens. I won’t be able to go down the stairs, or up, over the next few hours. Least until my pain medication kicks in. Doc I saw today has me on a new NSAID (non-steriodal anti-inflammatory drug) called Mobic (meloxicam). I need to start it tomorrow because I took my last dose of another NSAID last night and you can’t take the two together. I hope it works better than what I am taking now. I hope it helps my arthritis in my hands and that it doesn’t cause GI upset. I left a message with the doc as to when is best to take it. I usually take all my meds at night but I don’t know if that is best or not for this new med. I just hope it helps me and doesn’t cause me any side effects.