Tag: mental illness

baseball and a suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, suicide

I just realized it has been a long time since I wrote about baseball. A lot has been going on in the baseball world, mostly centered on one stupid, arrogant, idiotic player. For those that are in the US, you got it. I am Talking about A-Rod or Alex Rodriguez. I like to call him other things as this F***er is destroying the sport and I am not happy that despite his suspension, he still continues to play. THEN he gets beaned by one of MY pitchers and he gets suspended. Did this pitcher appeal? NO. He took it like a man and that was that. This punk (A_ROID) used PED (Performance enhancing drugs) after the MLB (Major League Baseball) ban on them and is still allow to play because he is fighting his appeal. I really hope that he get screwed big time and has to pay back the money he is getting paid for the games he has played. He is a loser and has been since he became a Yankee. I do not feel bad for him in the least and I hope that he becomes banned from baseball.

On another note, my heart has been heavy since learning of a suicide of one the actors from the TNT show Rizzoli and Isles. He has to be the what fourth actor to die in the last few months by suicide. He was African-American and only 29 years old. I don’t know how they are going to write his character now. I feel for his fellow actors and actresses and the rest of the crew. It really comes to mind the song “how do you get so lonely, and nobody knows”. A fellow blogger posted that song the other day and it reminded me of the lyrics to this song. I can’t think of the name of the person that sings it right now. He was popular for this song only. I don’t think the artist has made an album since this song. He is another one hit wonder.

The actor I am talking about is Lee Thompson Young. He played Detective Barry Frost. I loved his character. I just wonder why he didn’t reach out and get help. I guess we will never know as there was no suicide note found. Not like that makes a huge difference. A suicide is a suicide. He was handsome and talented. And yet he felt, I am assuming, in so much pain. Maybe there was another reason. No one will ever know. As far as I do know, there were no drugs involved. Not like that will matter when you think about suicide. People I think, in my honest opinion, would rather have the drugs or alcohol as a scapegoat to killing oneself to make them feel better. It helps to blame the drugs/alcohol more than anything else because even though no one is to blame for a suicide, people still think it was their fault when it happens. That if they just talked a little more to the person, asked questions, or did something different they could have prevented the person from killing themself. I don’t know if anyone knew he was depressed. I have been going over the suicide blogs on WordPress to see if anyone wrote about this. And one person just chocks it up to the race and the downside of how blacks are killing themselves. I don’t know it is true. I know what the statistics show. So this case fits perfectly within the statistical model of suicide. Yay, does that do anything to help his family? I doubt it.

feeling terrible

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I feel terrible and weak. My menses of course have to drive it up a notch and my doc is on vacation just like I thought she would be *huffing puffing*. I was supposed to meet up with a friend today but I am still trying to catch up from sleep I lost yesterday as I had been up almost 24 hrs before taking a nap for a few hours. By few, I mean 3. It was a hard day yesterday. I didn’t know if I was coming or going and I still don’t.

My therapist and I have tried to work on what to do should Mr. Hyde shows up while she is on vacation. Maybe to text the call for help people or something. But the thing is, other than feeling really suicidal, I don’t feel the need to ask for help. I feel totally normal. I go about my business like I normally do. Except I am writing dark stuff and planning the end of my life. I am beyond hopeless so what would be the point of reaching out? I don’t feel the need to talk to anyone. All I need is a pad and pen or my laptop and I am good. I express all the dark stuff on paper or send off messages to people that I care about telling them I love them and not to worry that I will be in a better place. It seems NORMAL to me but I know it’s not normal when I wake up from this dream/dissociative state. Only when I am out of it do I really feel the sting of the pain because I am still living. I really feel like during these episodes that I am going to die, that I will fall asleep and not wake up. Then I wake up, rested and wonder if I dreamt all that, but then the yellow legal pad or messages I get in the morning are my tell all. That it wasn’t a dream. That I wasn’t in my “right” mind at all. And every time this happens is after 2100 hrs. It starts usually about then and ends whenever I fall asleep which is usually around 0300-0400 in the morning. I use military time because it is easier to write for me.

I am supposed to write something for the AAS blog but other than the piece I did write and was rejected, sort of, I have no clue what this person is looking for. And I am tired of trying to please someone. I wrote a three page blog last night at five in the morning because I was up and had all these thoughts in my head, but apparently, chronic pain and suicide doesn’t fathom her taste either. I am going to hold off on posting the blog for now as I want to re-read it and maybe make some edits. My therapist almost went apeshit on me when she found out that this person was going to rifle through my blogs. I don’t care. I really don’t. If a million people can have access to it, why can’t she. My therapist I have had to throw limits to because there are some stuff I just don’t want her to read. That is limiting just one person. And it’s not like people I know really read my blogs. There is a person in Taiwan that reads them and I don’t know him or her. That is the beauty of being anonymous. But when your therapist reads your blog, you know you are no longer anonymous and that frightens me. I know I post my blog on Facebook and a couple of my real friends have read it. But they don’t call me on it. Some people do. My sister had her friend over the other night and we were talking about Facebook and she called me by my real name (which still shocks me because I never get called that at home except by my mother) and she proceed to ask like WTF is wrong with me. In FRONT of my sisters and her friend. I kind of got embarrassed. I was like WTF. I post what I post and I don’t censor it all. Hell, if I censored my blog, all of them would be private and not available to help someone who is feeling the same thing I am feeling so what the hell is the difference. Just because you think your life is all happy and shit doesn’t mean that my life is. My life is miserable and I know that I can make it better by not being a part of the world but that is not going to happen. I have an eight year old that looks up to me and to tell her that I have died would just break her little heart. And knowing that I would be the cause of that is why I can’t go ahead with killing myself.

Tea time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Tea

I know most of you who read my blog think I am mostly a coffee drinker but there are times, like when I am sick, that I drink tea. If it is too late, like it is now, to have a cup of coffee, I will usually make a cup of tea to give me the caffeine I need to keep going. I like black teas, though I bought oolong tea and find I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. I think it is an acquired taste. I do like herbal teas, lemon, orange spice and chamomile. I usually buy only one brand of tea and that is Bigelow. I find their English breakfast really good. I know it is expensive for 20 bags of tea but I like what I like. I also know that 2 bags of Lipton tea will give me the strength I need that one bag of Bigelow does. I guess I just prefer the taste better. I don’t like fruit teas other than lemon and orange spice, though I have not tried them all. I know I don’t like apple tea. I prefer to eat an apple than drink it, though I do like cider, but I have not had it hot. Starbucks makes a hot cider during the winter months but I never tried it. Maybe I will this season, if I am around.

I still have my bloody menses (no pun intended). It is really showing no signs of stopping, even with the new patch. UGH I don’t know what to do. I hope my doc isn’t on vacation when I call tomorrow. I am not bleeding too heavy but it is just aggravating me at this point and I don’t need the aggravation. I especially hate it when I soil my pants, which is happening almost every fricken day now. And because of the pain in my ankle, I can’t shower every day so that poses a very difficult problem for me hygiene wise. I need to shower and have to force myself to and then pay the consequence of standing for ten minutes. I hate myself so bad. I really get mad at myself and start thinking that if only I had done things differently, I never would have gotten CES. But then if things didn’t play out the way they did, I wouldn’t have made so many online friends and have good relationships with people all over the world.

I really can’t wait for my therapist to be back on Tuesday. There is so much to catch up on. But then she will be on vacation again the week after so I am not happy about that. I wish she would have just taken the two weeks off in a row like normal people rather than take a week here and then a week there. But then she is a looney tune.

I was up most of the night. I didn’t fall asleep till at least 5 or six in the morning. I was reading after a phone call with a friend and time got away from me. I am still reading Team of Rivals and it just got interesting as the Civil War started. I really like this book but can’t believe it took 12 chapters to get to the war. I still have 12 chapters to go as I read almost three chapters last night. I think after I read this book, I am going to go back to the Harry Potter books. I have been meaning to re-read them.

I have to get started on my cauda equina paper. I am getting more and more search term hits on my blog. Though my blog Knackered has many hits, it doesn’t necessarily give the information that people are looking for. I did make my post CES a page, which I hope has been helpful to someone.

Splits

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Splits

Lately I have been feeling like I have been losing what is left of my mind. I have been having some strange symptoms, like when the sun goes down, I turn into a villain. Every thing that is me changes to this wicked gloomy, suicidal, depressive self. Since I have been more aware of it, it has been happening less. I have been trying to get on a sleep schedule but my Sox team is on the west coast so have late games. And depending on how they do, I can get really excited and agitated very easily (as my tweets will prove). I just don’t understand why I get this way. I am not under real stress. My pdoc suggested it is because I am lonely? I find that unlikely as I don’t feel lonely. And the fact that it’s usually in the wee hours of the morning I am writing death letters and such more so than during the day time hours. Night time hours, I become a lunatic. To off set this, my pdoc wants me to take a standing dose of Ativan. I feel like she doesn’t grasp the situation at all. I did ask her if I should take some trilafon, a medication I am more familiar with, but she doesn’t want the side effects of that med with the other meds I am taking. So I will try it tonight and see if this offsets what I have been feeling the last few nights.

I didn’t change my bedding like I wanted to. I just got really tired when I came home and was really hungry as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I will tomorrow as I really have nothing to do except go out for my coffee. I will change my bedding so it can be washed before I leave the house. I wish someone would put the sheets back on the bed for me. Taking them off I don’t mind. That is easy. But wrestling with the sheets to put them back on, wears me out to no end! I figure I will change the sheets in the morning when I get up, take a shower, wash the sheets and comforter, and then go out for coffee. I will then have my jave to juice me up and give me the energy I need to wrestle the bed. I used to love changing my sheets when I was a kid. It would take me a long time to do it because I would play with the mattress first. I would make a fortress and then jump all over the place pretending I was defending my home or something. It went on like this until I made an awful jump down on my bed and misjudged how much room I had with the windowsill. CRASH. I nearly gave myself a concussion. Gave myself a good bump on the head. No more playing after that.

I had a bladder accident today. I should know by now that a venti coffee fills my bladder up completely and that I should go to the bathroom afterwards. Because I am not aware that I am full, thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome, I dribble some urine out due to overflow. The worse part is that I don’t even feel it or that my pants are wet. Very embarrassing. I came home to a nice mess. I texted my therapist, why should I live??

Well as this is my second blog of the day, I will stop here so that I can read some more of Lincoln’s Melancholy. Maybe he can give me some inspiration to continue the fight.