Tag: paranoia

Progress?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Progress?

I finally cleared off my bed of most of the books and clothes that had accumulated on the corner of my bed. I also cleared my “office”. Now I just need the motivation and energy to change my damn sheets. I rewarded myself with clearing my bed by going to Starbucks and getting a cold brew vanilla sweet cream iced coffee. I was then rewarded with my bowels going haywire soon after reaching home. I seriously thought I sharted but it was just air, thank goodness. I am now exhausted and my ankle is giving me grief so no sheet changing. Least not for now. My back has been having cramps since I left Starbucks so I am just going to rest. I still have a little stuff on my bed that I need to clear off but the majority of my bed is clear.

Today’s word prompt is “Playful”. It’s funny how these words that don’t have any particular order have significance in my life. I was reminiscing with the voices the other day about how my father hated any type of play that my sisters and I did around him. During one of his angry rages, he broke a treasured chess set that I got for Christmas one year. I never forgave him for breaking it on me. Still haven’t. He never apologized for breaking it and he knew I was upset over it. I tried fixing this set but it was not really the same afterwards.

Another time, I was at my then little cousin’s house. We were playing and I came out of his room with one of his toys because they were really cool. I forget why I left the other kids, but my father flipped the fuck out, saying I was not a kid and shouldn’t be playing with toys. I was like 12? It really hurt me and I cried I was so upset. I think I went in the bathroom to cry. My cousin’s mother saw this and said it was okay for me to play.

Both times that I have recounted this story, it brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the kindness my cousin showed me that proved that not all parents are bad and mean like my father. I have other memories that are painful but I won’t rehash them today.

I got an email from TSPN (Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network). They apologized for taking my work without my permission. They said they would inform me in the future if they want to use my work for their newsletter. They also encouraged me to contribute more things to them, if I desired. I think I might write up something for them. If you are an attempt survivor and want to contribute your story, contact them through http://www.tspn.org. The name of the newsletter is called “can you hear me” (CYHM).

When I came home from Starbucks, or as I was on my way home, I became really paranoid. It was very scary. I thought people and objects were talking to me. As a bus drove by a van, I could have sworn it was talking to me. I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. I have never been psychotic like that before. I took a trilafon when I got home because I was so agitated. I am feeling a little bit better now. I wish my psych was available. I would page her to let her know this happened. I still feel kind of uneasy. But the trilafon is helping me so I don’t think I need anymore meds to feel calmer. The nice thing about this drug is that it lasts for at least eight hours so I should be covered until I take the abilify tonight.

Speaking of abilify, I was reading a blog today where the blogger was having bad side effects from the medication. She is experiencing agitation, more mental than physical and it’s making her feel suicidal. She carefully weighed this drug over many others before taking it. I guess the Seroquel she was taking was no longer working for her so she needed to switch meds. She is also experiencing insomnia. Not good for someone who has bipolar disorder. I hope her psychiatrist gets back to her about what to do and she seeks help before acting on her urges. I wanted to comment on her blog but I had no advice as abilify has worked well for me, aside from the extrapyramidal symptoms I experience every now and then. I take Ativan to counteract them. Otherwise, I would be so screwed. I have noticed that as I have gotten older, my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse. I used to be able to take an anti-psychotic just when I was having symptoms. But since 2008 when I had a psychotic break, I can’t stop my meds at all. Even missing a dose can send me into a psychotic delusion. I have been on many meds for psychosis but they have had serious side effects. I can make a list but there is no point. It’s an exhaustive list. You name it, I probably have been on it (unless it’s come out after 2009). The only class of drugs that I have NOT been on are the MAOIs. That is because I don’t like the diet restrictions these medications have. I am lucky that the current regimen that I take suits me.

Ramblings 81

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am writing a little earlier than I did yesterday because I decided not to go out to the Square to have coffee. I made it at home again. I did go out to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, the right one this time. Though I am shocked that the pharmacists didn’t say anything to me about taking two NSAIDs. Very strange. Maybe there is no interaction but I know better.

I talked with my therapist today about a diagnosis that was brought to me by someone reading my blog. Turns out there is no such thing. I was happy about it and I am always keeping up with the times. I thought I might have missed something but this person was just making it up to what fits. I find it a little disturbing because although it does fit, there is nothing that suggests it would take on credibility or even be in the DSM or ICD. Those are the standards I hold diagnoses on.

I also told her I am paranoid of writing on my own blog now for fear of criticism. I have had this blog for three years and though there have been a handful of dissenters, it always makes me question what I am writing. I know my blog can be a little dark and if that bothers you, I advise you to read another blog. There is a reason why my comments are moderated and that is one of the reasons. I am already a negative person, I am free to admit it, but I will not tolerate comments that state my writing is shit or questionable. You have no idea what I am going through so have no basis for what you are saying. You don’t like what I write, leave. No one is telling you to stay.

My therapist also brought up the book again. I get disgruntled every single time she brings it up because I have nothing new to add to the book. Sure I can go with what I have and try and make it longer. But I have no energy to do that. Hell, I didn’t even have the energy to walk to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. That took so much out of me that I am ready for a nap. But I got my “big” light on to keep me awake. If I put on my little desk lamp, I know I will fall asleep. And I really want to finish reading the “Tower of Babel” articles sometime today.

Oreos just came out with a new kind, brownie batter Oreos. I wish I didn’t hear about them because they sound so yummy and I want them. Their Reese’s peanut butter cup Oreos were to die for. Only complaint that I have is it was a small box, smaller than a regular Oreos box. I am guessing it will be the same with these brownies batter cookies. Just what I need. Another cookie to conquer. I am never going to lose weight. I have decided that if my doc says anything, I will just tell him I was suicidal and didn’t care about my diet at all, which is the truth. Hard to stick with dieting when you are thinking about and planning to end your life. I just got to make sure my clothes still fit me because I refuse to go the next size up. I swear it was the hospital that made me gain all this weight. I gained it last year when I was in and haven’t been able to lose it. I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds, never anything more than that. I just feel really guilty when I gain because I feel like I am losing my doc’s confidence in me or something. I fucking hate it. I know he has to tell me to lose the weight but he isn’t a thin man either. But I know that if I bring that up to him, he will find some excuse to bring it back to me, like he isn’t the one immobile. It depresses me because I know I am not as active as I used to be. Pain causes me to be immobile. It really upsets me when it is brought to my attention, like I don’t already know this. The best diet I have been on was the cereal diet. You have a bowl of special K for breakfast and lunch and then a reasonable dinner. But it got to be boring and expensive real fast. I don’t know why cereal costs so much. But then so is a thing of sugar. Funny how the prices of these things go up during shortages but never go back down when there is plenty.

My mother is babysitting my niece because she is sick. She has strep throat. I need to fend for myself for dinner. I have no clue what to make. I am thinking something with potatoes. Maybe fish sticks, if I can dig them out of the freezer. I didn’t have lunch today, a meal I have been skipping or having later than I normally do. I might have a bowl of Cheerios so I don’t have to turn on the oven. I don’t know what to make. And I am getting hungry so I need to find food fast!

Random 783

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I wanted to go out for coffee today but decided to make it at home. I was too groggy to leave the house as I didn’t wake up till after 9, which is quite unusual for me. I am usually up before 7 most mornings. I guess falling asleep around 2 allowed me to sleep in. It’s hot and muggy today so I am glad I didn’t go out. I had to pick up my prescription as I am running low on my meds. I was a sweaty mess by the time I came home, and it was a short walk to the pharmacy. I had texted my therapist about an appointment but she is booked. From the sounds of it, she is booked all week so I guess I am not going to have an extra session unless there is a cancellation.

Today is the anniversary of a dear friend of mine who passed away. His kids have been posting remembrances. It also reminds me of the year my favorite aunt passed away. Her anniversary is this Saturday. I had to look it up on Google because I didn’t remember the day but knew that she died the same week as my friends’ father. Both were good people, kind and loving. My aunt always accepted who I was. She always loved me for who I was and I will never forget that.

I am an idiot. I just refilled the wrong prescription and didn’t notice it until I went to take it. It was the wrong pill and that made me question what I was taking. I can’t believe I did this or why the pharmacy didn’t say something when I went to pick it up. You cannot take more than one NSAID because of the risk of bleeding. I am so mad at myself. My doctor still hasn’t refilled my blood pressure med. I am going to run out by tomorrow if he doesn’t call it in soon. I just hope they pick the pharmacy I chose. Last time, he sent it to the mail order company instead of Walgreens. I checked both pharmacies and neither have the order. It’s my fault I didn’t catch it sooner. I didn’t realize I was running low until late Friday afternoon when it was too late to notify the office I needed a refill. Funny how I am on top of my father’s medications but not my own.

I need a writing project desperately. I am working on my book but it’s not going anywhere because I don’t know what to write about. I don’t know where to get fresh ideas. The writing workshop I hope to attend isn’t until the end of the month. I still need to sort out how I am going to pay for it. It will cut into my grocery bill if I don’t get the LTD money. They have a free seminar again next Wednesday that I am hoping to go to. It depends if my therapist allows me to take off as the seminar is during our session time. I am half committed to going because the last one was really not what I was into. I am willing to give it another shot as it could be with another person. If it is with the same person, I will have wasted my time. But it will get me out of the house and in a part of town that is nice. Boston Common is across the street from the place.

Here is something shocking I just read on Twitter: Beliefs are not facts! I had to laugh at this, only because most of my delusions are my beliefs that I perceive are true. For example, I truly believe that ISIS is being controlled by a bunch of alien parasites that want power and destruction if the people they have captured don’t believe their leader is a god. Failure to respect and bow to the leader results in death. I would seriously write more about these thoughts but I am too afraid that the FBI will find me and prosecute me for having these ideas. Or worse, the minions of the leader might find me and cut my head off. The aliens don’t want to be found out.

“Haylor”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

“Haylor”

I have been trying to write for most of the day but I have been coming up empty. It all started while reading my blogs a few weeks ago and came across a blog entry about a psychotic episode. It happened the beginning of November 2012. I don’t remember it at all but I wrote about it, briefly. Like a few sentences each blog entry. I even tried to see if I wrote about it in my journal and came up with the same thing, nothing. Voldemort was my “best friend” and all conversation ended there. So I have been trying to fill in the blanks but I am not a bullshit artist. I wrote a few sentences more to make the paper 300 words. That was all that this episode amounted to. I really would love to expand this but I have nothing to go on. I even tried writing to my therapist about my difficulties hoping it would spark something and I would get something on paper, but alas, nothing. I just wrote the difficulty of writing and that was all. What I did learn through looking at my old journal was what set off the psychosis, which is interesting. I apparently misplaced my 8GB thumb drive and it was causing me considerable panic. In normal people, they would have a panic attack and that would be it. Not me. I became psychotic and apparently it took the form of Voldemort’s tweets to set me off. I wasn’t taking my anti-psychotic medicine at the time so I was more vulnerable. Losing this thumb drive was my life. Every suicide research article I ever read was on this drive as well as my papers on the subject. It would have been a huge loss and I was just sick with worry. But I did find the stupid thing. It was hidden under some papers and my “life” was saved. I made a few copies of it just so in case I misplaced it again, I would have it.

I did considerable research into trying to find out what the episode was about and if I wrote more about it. I still came up empty. Apparently Voldemort wrote a thing about Taylor Swift, calling her Haylor as she was dating a Harry at the time of the tweet. I have no idea what the last name of the Harry was. I am sure a Google search will probably yield it but I really don’t care. I tried looking back to his tweets from 2012 but they just went as far back as Jan 2013 and stopped there. I was so close to getting what I needed. He was active on his account but slowly tampered off. No wonder I was becoming so paranoid and thinking he was “tweeting me personally”. He would tweet several times a day. And now it’s every few days. Reading over the tweets weren’t triggering for me because I had no recollection of the psychotic episode. The only proof that I have of its existence is my blog and what little I wrote in my journal, which was only three sentences. For the days that I was psychotic, I didn’t write or blog. I probably was too incapacitated. If the psychosis had commanding voices/tones, I probably was too paranoid to put pen to paper for fear of being persecuted. And the last thing you want to do is piss off is a dark wizard. He might have been make believe to everyone, but for a few days, he was real to me.

The reason I was interested in finding the tweet about Taylor was because he “made me” listen to her songs after the tweet. It usually doesn’t take much for me to listen to Taylor because she is my favorite artist, but the thought that someone on Twitter made me listen was curious. Apparently he had tweeted something from her video “Story of Us”. The only thing I remember was Snape telling the students to turn to page 394, like it did in the Harry Potter book. Whether that was where “Haylor” came from (Harry + Taylor=Haylor), I am at a loss. I couldn’t find the tweet and I didn’t write more about it, which further piques my curiosity about this episode. I had written that my therapist was concerned about my losing reality so this was serious. Of course, any time I become psychotic my therapist panics. I have no idea if my pdoc was concerned because I didn’t write about that. I didn’t go into the hospital so I am guessing the medication helped and I didn’t need further assistance. I think finding the drive relieved some of the anxiety to help the medication work. And once it did, the delusions, paranoia, and voices were gone. He also was “talking to me”, though it was all mumbled according to what I wrote it. Usually voices are mumbled but I can “sense” what they mean.

The reason this is all fascinating to me is because I am such a Harry Potter fan. I have read each book at least three times and am currently read each on another time. I have seen all the movies, which were a little disappointment as they cut things from the book or added things that didn’t occur in the book. I also follow the Dark Lord on Twitter as well as Snape. Snape’s account is wicked funny. But for whatever reason, didn’t have the same psychotic hold on me as the Dark Lord’s. I think because Voldemort’s tweets were really commanding tweets than funny in nature. I am sure the tweets were meant in jest, but for whatever reason, I took them seriously, at the time. There was also a tweet saying to rob houses of Twilight freaks that saw the movie when it came out back then. I had written that I wanted to steal my sister’s sweets and Halloween candy as I knew she would be at the movie. That is probably funny now but it wasn’t then. In seriousness, I was in deep turmoil of acting on a tweet because I was “commanded” to. It was troubling me. I honestly have no clue why I wasn’t in the hospital. All the previous times that I ever had commanding voices, I was inpatient. I must have seriously have had the confidence of my psychiatrist that I wasn’t a harm to myself or others. But then, it was just a few short days and like I said, medication helped tremendously that I have no recollection of these events as they played out. I usually do remember my delusions because they last so long or I am really convinced things are happening as my mind is playing them out. Maybe because I didn’t land in the hospital I don’t remember these delusions and commanding voices/tweets. I wrote that Voldemort was “personally talking to me”, which I can only mean that his tweets were personal. But that is probably because I had his tweets sent to my mobile phone so it acted as a text message to me. In my delusional mind, it was meant for me, and me only.