Tag: PMDD

Fed up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Fed Up

I am not doing well. I have been hearing voices all day and not my usual ones. I spoke to my therapist about it and she wants me to take medication. I don’t want to take more medication. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist on what to do. Then I made a call to one of my doctor’s offices because I needed a refill only to find out she is no longer in the practice and I need to see someone else because it’s been two years since I have been seen. I have three weeks of medication. There is no way I can be seen quickly. I have to call tomorrow because the office is closed now. The new doc is not going to know the circumstances as to why I need this medication to stop my menses. I am going insane so I took a lot of Neurontin, not enough to kill me but enough to knock my ass out, least I hope it will. I am tired of being conscious. This doctor didn’t have the decency to send out a letter saying that she is leaving. I am so bullshit. I hope I don’t have to go through the new doctor routine because it could be months to be seen. I am just so pissed off. First it was my PCP, now it’s my repro endo doc. I might have to go to my PCP’s office to get a refill if I can’t be seen quickly. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am going nuts and the voices aren’t helping. They want me to kill myself. I haven’t told anyone this. I eluded to my therapist about it today when I talked with her but didn’t get into specific details.

 

I was really tired when I talked with my therapist today. I just didn’t want to talk to her at all. She kept on harping on the fucking needs and shit. That is all I remember about our conversation. She wanted me to take the trilafon a couple days in a row and I knocked her down. I am not going to take it. She asked me why and I told her I don’t need it. She asked if the voices are stopping me and I told her yes. They are scary this time and I am not going to fight them. Let them say what they will. It’s not like I haven’t heard them tell them to kill myself before.

 

I have been hot and cold all day. I think it’s because I am sleep deprived. The Neurontin will fix that. I should sleep at least 12 hours, least I am hoping to. I will have the hungry horrors tomorrow but oh well. I just hope I can get up early late morning to see my father and do what I have to do without too much trouble. I have to go to Stop and Shop and pick up one of his medications. He doesn’t know about it so that is why I have to go. I hope he doesn’t need bread because the last time I went, they were out of it. I went too late.

 

I made plans, tentatively, with my friend for a dinner date at a Thai restaurant. He is busy this week and next so it will be the following week but he doesn’t know when. He will call me. That was the 3rd phone call I had to make today. I will order Thai food tomorrow. I don’t know how fast these pills are going to work. Sometimes an hour, sometimes more. It’s always hard to gauge. I am already sleepy but that is because I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t make coffee or tea like I wanted to.

 

So my nervous doctor isn’t at the clinic anymore. Dammit man. If I had known, I would have called sooner for a refill. I am so nervous about it because the reason I am on the pill is because of my suicidal tendencies toward my menses. Even now I am suicidal. It’s in check, I am not going to do anything drastic but I hate having to deal with my menses. It’s just another reason why I am a woman. I hate being a woman. But I can’t tell them this because they are not TG specialists. I really have PMDD, pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. That was when my suicidal stuff was unchecked and I would be in a suicidal rage whenever it got close to my period. I had no idea why. I still don’t. Then when the bleeding started, I would be “normal”. Since being on hormones, these rages have stopped. But the feelings of wanting to kill myself haven’t. It depresses me that I have to go through this every couple of months. Some months I am okay with it and others I am not. This is one of those months.

TG issues: Suicidal Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt

In my suicidal mind, I think about death because I feel trapped. I feel trapped because I am stuck in a female’s body where my mind thinks I am a male. I feel like a male because it has always been that way. Ever since I was little, I knew I was different. Every night I prayed that I would grow a penis but I never did. This dream continued well into my 30’s. Then I woke up one day and realized it was never going to happen. The heartbreak then began.

I spent almost the entire part of my adult life trying to kill myself because I hated myself that bad. I hated having breasts, female ovaries, and having menses. It wasn’t until I realized that my menses were the real problem causing my suicidal thoughts every month. It was the constant monthly reminder that I wasn’t a male. And it had to be stopped before I took my own life. Not only were the hormones putting me into a pre-menstrual dysphoria, it made me purely suicidal and this in turn made me very dangerous. With each passing month, the suicidal thoughts got worse and my suicidal plans got more lethal. I tried to tell my doctors that I was going to end my life. But then soon as I started bleeding, a switch went off and so did the suicidal feelings. As I realized this, and it wasn’t an overnight “ah ha” moment, I knew the key to saving my life was to stop the menses. Because otherwise, I was going to cease to exist.

When I saw a specialist that dealt with PMDD, she immediately placed me on birth control pills (BCP). Thus began my trial. It took almost six different kinds of pills to find the one that I am on now to stop my menses.. There was a point where I thought it was hopeless, that I was forever to be maimed a female. But since my menses have stopped completely for almost four months now, I feel a freedom. I can now where my boxers every day and not worry my menses are doing to return. They might but I am hoping not. Now if only there was a way to shrink my breast tissue so I can be flat chested.

My breasts are another source of my pain. They really provoke me into a suicidal rage when I see them. How I long for the day when I can be topless like men are during the summer or wear tank tops without fear of boobs coming out. I try very hard not to look at my chest but it is difficult because I always seem to look down. And that depresses me to no end. I hope one day I can afford the surgery so that I can be rid of these things. But then I wonder if I will be sad without them. They are after all, been apart of me for a long time. And once they are gone, I can’t have them back. But they bring me so much misery I think it will be a happy kind of sadness where they won’t provoke suicidal impulses.

I am a male trapped in a female’s body. And it sucks big time. But once my menses were no longer happening and I didn’t have the hormonal shifts anymore, the suicidal stuff started fading. I never made the connection of menses and suicide before and I am glad I didn’t because if I didn’t I doubt I would still be here. Now if only I can get rid of my chest things that will make me even less suicidal.

So if I ever die by my own hand, know that it was due to me being trapped in the wrong body. That it wasn’t because I felt hopeless or abandoned or any other theory on suicide. It was because my psychological pain was too great to bear and unfortunately, there are no pills to decrease this kind of pain. There is no anodyne therapy that exists to decrease psychache.