Tag: psychological pain

Nobody Knows…

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

Nobody knows…

Today was a horrific day. I spent the morning at the hospital with my dad, having his testing done. Apparently they found something and it had to get checked out. Like today. Not tomorrow or next week. Today! I was so pissed. But luckily, I was able to squeeze in my therapy appointment, though we again just talked about how my father takes up so much of my time and that it is not appreciated, at all. And I still got to finagle getting medical records from one hospital to another. I don’t know how I am going to do this, as I know my father needs to sign his release form. I can’t do it. It’s not my records. Which means I got to drag him to get the forms released. And I have a week to do this. Talk about pressure. But I think I can talk my sister into it. He has another lovely appointment on Tuesday and I don’t have to be apart of it. I just get to hear about it.

I had about a half hour before I had to go to South Station to meet up with my friends for dinner. It was a race to the bathroom soon as I got off the bus. Both bowels and bladder decided they were going to race me to the bathroom. I lost, they won, though I didn’t realize it. I thought I had just peed myself but the second race on the way home proved that I was wrong. I changed my underwear, washed up, and now I am typing this blog because no one will fucking care that I crapped and peed my pants. The only ones that will understand are those that suffer from CES, or some other neurological condition that affects the bowels and bladder. I think MS might affect both, but I am not sure.

Nobody understands what I go through on a daily basis. No one stops and thinks that I am disabled. No one enters their mind that I might be in too much pain today to do something. Nope, they just want ALL of me there, right now, right away. Even my therapist doesn’t get it. She could have cancelled the appointment today but instead she kept it. It would have been a weight off my mind so that I didn’t have finagle the bagel to find a spot to talk to my therapist, and then keep my voice low so that people are not hearing what I am saying. I don’t know what I wanted to talk about with my therapist but I know I didn’t want to talk about my father and how he is making me lose spoons I don’t have.

I should have canceled my dinner plans but I am stubborn and I wanted to see my friends’ kids. I haven’t seen them since January. Now I am hurting and frankly, I don’t care. I am not doing a damn thing tomorrow except to eat my fettucine alfredo with butternut squash and chicken. I also have bruchetta and garlic breadsticks. I will have a good lunch tomorrow. And besides, if I didn’t go out, I would have missed the free pasta and tomato sauce they were giving out when you exited the train station. My mother is going to like that, the pasta anyway. A free box of 32 oz. will last us a good while.

But nobody knows that I lost all my spoons today and more that I cannot reclaim. I am in the negative and even though tomorrow I might be eating a good meal, I won’t be able to do much else. Which further adds to my depression. Nobody will know that I messed my pants. Nobody will know that on the way home, I almost couldn’t make the last block. My leg just had enough. But like everything else in my life, everything gets dumped on me when I can barely lift it. I am just so tired of it all. I am tired of crapping and peeing my pants. I am sick that I have to wear diapers if I want to go out of the house for more than 4 hours. And I don’t know where I am going to the money for diapers. It’s not in my budget. I still have two medications I need and I don’t know where I am going to get the money for them.

Nobody cares that my blog can be crap at times, that my writing is just isn’t good enough (by my standards). I am just sick of all the running around and not being appreciated for it. I am sick of being in horrible pain and not having a rest day in between. I am sick of being in pain, period! And nobody cares.

managing out the window

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Managing out the window

The other night, I was having a bad night of pain. I kept texting my therapist that I was having suicidal thoughts of overdosing on my pain medication. The pain was driving me to my wits end. But I some how got through that night.

Today I am in the same spot. I am in pain but am not quite suicidal. I am, however, fighting a migraine that is affecting my vision. AND sounds are bothering me big time. Like my mother who is in the kitchen, playing her dice game. It is annoying the shit out of me right now. I want to scream at her for not watching TV. I rather hear the sounds of the television than the dice game. Plus, to make matters worse, we have a glass tabletop so that just echoes the sounds through out the house. I swear because my mother is deaf, she doesn’t realize how loud she is playing.

I didn’t do anything today. I have been very sleepy for most of the day. Probably because my sleep has been interrupted for the past two nights. Again, all because my father wants attention. Today my sister called me and because the idiot doctor didn’t put her credentials on the prescription, we can’t get it filled. Now I have to call his PCP to see if they can send him the medication. I doubt they will send it off without being seen. And I don’t know how I am going to get him to the doctor’s when I don’t have access to a car. UGH, this sucks.

What sucks more is that I am supposed to be working on this book that I am co-writing but I have no idea what I am going to write. I am feeling pressure to write and the material is there, I just have to focus. But the focus is not there, making it difficult to write. I wrote a page last night but I feel like it is crap. I have to work on it a little bit. Or a lot.

Right now I feel like a fucking cow. My stomach is all bloated for some reason. I feel like the fat around my midsection is strangling me. I hate feeling this way. I never felt like this before, but then, I have gained so much weight the past few weeks. I know it is because of my depression that I have gained weight. Plus, it is not like I am really active with my ankle being sore. I have been a lump on a log, just eating and eating. I don’t know how I am going to manage to keep the weight off when I am so depressed. And I am in so much pain, that I don’t care. It’s a bad cycle.

I had therapy today and my therapist suggested that we have another crisis response plan specifically for my pain cycle. That I should do something other than stare at a bottle of pills. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just happened to count how many were left in the bottle. Then I calculated how much medication I would be ingesting. I don’t think the odds were in my favor. Plus, I really wanted to go to my reunion and I think that saved me from taking the pills. But the texts scared my therapist. I guess I was in a bad place looking back. But when I was in that moment, all I wanted to do was end the pain. And if my life had to end too, I wasn’t going to fight for it. Luckily, wanting to see my friends from the past overtook my desire to take the pills, this time.

Ankle Chronicles 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

area of pain

Ankle Chronicles 7

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her that the pain that I have been feeling is causing the suicidal thoughts to come back, though in passing, nothing concrete. She wants me to call her if they stick around. I told her I would.

This pain has been going on since Labor Day. No matter what I do, or don’t do, I am in pain. Going up and down stairs is the worst. I finally had enough. I called uncle. So I will be seeing an ankle fellow in a couple of weeks because the head honcho doesn’t have any openings until December. This will be doctor number 14 that I will see for the same problem. Luckily, all my records are in the same system so I don’t have to carry around different records with me from different places. I might have to collect records from the podiatrist I saw, but we’ll see on that. I just know that I am in pain, nearly 24/7. And it is draining me. The past week I have been so miserable I don’t want to go out. And if I do go out, I want to go back home and soon. I need to keep my foot elevated to make it happy. But even that isn’t making it happy anymore. I just don’t know what to do except to keep on taking pain medication. And even that is losing its effectiveness.

I am seriously losing my mind over this pain in my ankle. It’s right below the bone on the outside. I forget the name of the bone and I am too lazy to google it. My PCP says it is a tendon. I know it’s a tendon. I have been dealing with this pain for a LONG time now. I know it’s the peroneous tendon and possibly, muscles, too. I don’t care what the names are. I just want the pain to stop. And I don’t want an injection of cortisone because I believe that it damages tendons more than it helps them shrink. I will NOT have another nerve block in that ankle because when it wore off, I was in agony for three whole days. I won’t go through that again.

I told my psychiatrist I was seeing a fellow rather than the chief and also a smartass remark. She came back with a “calm down”. How can I calm down when the very act of walking is being taken away from me?? Really?? I can’t go anywhere unless I walk. Down the stairs, up the stairs, go to the store, the bathroom, kitchen, etc. Each of these activities causes me huge amounts of pain, the stairs being the worst pain. I have to make conscious effort to hold my foot upright while going down the stairs and the same effort going back up. It’s DRAINING!!!! I have no more mental spoons or physical spoons to do anything else, like brush my teeth or shower. I got a haircut today and needed to shower but couldn’t so I just washed my hair. That hurt more than the shower would have. I don’t think my psychiatrist knows where I am coming from. Maybe she is tired of hearing me complain about my pain. It has been going on for three years now. I bet that is it. People are just so damn tired of me complaining about my ankle.

And I have a reunion to go to on Sunday. HOLY FUCK, I AM FUCKED. I will most likely be standing most of the time. SHIT! I didn’t think about this until now. I will have to wear my dreaded brace. It won’t help 100% but it will help some. I will be sore as hell after and possibly the rest of the week. Good thing I have nothing planned. I really want to see my old coworkers. They are the best bunch of people to know. I will carry with me my little book so that I can get their addresses to send them Christmas cards.

I am suicidal because mentally I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. It has gone on too long. I really need to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. Otherwise, I am going to go another night of no pain meds. I just wish I had the fucking energy to get them. I would have someone else go, but you need an ID to get the meds. Just great. I have to go. I guess I will stop complaining about my ankle for another day.

Rest day, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Rest day, NOT

I have been feeling really down and blah the past two days. I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Yesterday, I forced myself to go out and immediately wanted to come back home afterwards. Today, I still was in pain, as I woke up at 0630 with my ankle hurting. There was nothing I could do about it so I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. I am exhausted dealing with pain every day. Today I just wanted to stay in the house and sleep. Did that happen? Nope. My father called me and said that he had to figure out what meds needed to be refilled and picked up at the pharmacy. I told him I wasn’t walking to the pharmacy as I couldn’t go that far. He was feeling lousy and looked terrible. He must have caught a virus and it is affecting him. I made him eat something before I left, after sorting out his medication.

This totally wiped me out and my leg was not too happy with me. I am hurting really bad so will need to break out the stronger pain medication because I just can’t take it anymore. Even going up the stairs, I am just dragging my ass up each step. It’s like my house is filled with mud or something. I just can’t find energy to move. It’s a quarter to six as I am writing this and I could just go right to sleep. Last night, I went to sleep around 1830 only to wake up around midnight. It was good that I did wake up because I didn’t take my night meds. I still have to take a shower and I don’t want to. But I smell and my shirt is dirty as I spilled some stuff on it. I can’t sleep in this shirt.

I think I am tired from all the crying I did yesterday. Damn country music! So even though I know my leg is going to really hate me, I am going to take a shower. Then I will take two strong pain pills and go to sleep.