Tag: psychological pain

Saturday Blog 8

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Saturday Blog 8

I spent most of the day sleeping. I Just couldn’t get up. Nor did I want to. Last night was a rough night, filled with suicidal thoughts. I wasn’t in physical pain, just was in overwhelming sadness.

I had something to eat and my only trip out of the house was to the Rite Aid to get my donuts. I have been craving them for over a week now. It is the only snack that I like these days. I don’t buy chips anymore because I have to watch my salt intake due to my blood pressure. If I do get chips, I buy a small bag so that I am not indulgent with a big one.

My mother was not understanding and it pissed me off. I don’t understand why I told her I was tired when it was 2 pm. She started off by asking me if my medication was causing me to feel tired. She was looking for answers and then I had to tell her that I wasn’t sleeping which lead to more questions. I felt like I was being grilled. I finally walked away from her to get away. I was so mad. No one understands what I go through, least of all my family no matter how many times I try and explain it to them. They just don’t get that depression is an illness, that I will have it all my life and that really, nothing can be done about it. I have been on medication and I still get the blues. I have been in therapy for years and I am still depressed. I often wonder if it is worth it. Keep having the image of killing myself. It is the only escape I have. Last night, I sent a text to my therapist that she isn’t to blame for my departure. I sent several tweets last night in my despair. I come to realize that for some reason you just don’t get a response on twitter like you do Facebook. I didn’t want to post on Facebook because a friend watches me on there and then says something to me in person weeks later. And because I don’t remember half of what I post on Facebook, I totally have no clue what she is talking about.

A dear friend is coming over tonight. We are set to watch the baseball game. He is bringing yummy beer. I told him to get snacks if he wants them as I don’t have any. Last time he brought a HUGE container of cheeseballs that lasted in my house for months. I like this friend very much. I haven’t seen him in almost a year so it will be good that he is coming over. We generally have a good time and maybe I can forget my depression for a little while. GO SOX!

Blog Anniversary-2nd Year

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blog Anniversary

Today is my two year anniversary of starting my blog. I just gained 500 followers. I guess that is fitting. One of the last two people to become a follower is a clinician. I read her blog about inpatient treatment. We exchanged some comments. That is what I like about the blog world. You never know who you are touching or following you.

Having a rough day. Been trying to write something about coffee and therapy and I am failing at it. I wrote something for half an hour but the flies on my front porch got to me and I had to go into the house. I thought I would type what I wrote but that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know why I am struggling with this piece of writing. Sure it is personal, but all my blogs are. I do have a pain flare going on so that might be one of the reasons why I am struggling. I just can’t get comfortable. Maybe I will work on it later tonight once the pain meds have worn off. And hopefully this migraine that has been brewing will stop.

Today was a good weather day but I was lazy after I took my shower. It sucked all the energy out of me and I had to take a nap afterwards. By the time I woke up from my nap, I had already missed the bus so I was pissed at myself for sleeping so late. I wanted to go out. I still might as I want to get some donuts. I have been craving one for weeks now. Also been craving Chinese food but I don’t have the money for that, least not until next week.

I am also struggling with thoughts of death. Past few hours, I have thought of nothing but killing myself. The pain is driving me nuts and my heart has begun aching, which combined, just kills me. I haven’t told my therapist because I figure why bother. She is out of the office until Monday so it’s not like I am going to get a response. Besides, it’s not like she can do something about it. Most she will do is “contract for safety”, which is stupid. It’s not like she can really stop me from harming myself if I really want to. I just have to figure out how to kill myself as my previous plans are out the window, so to speak. I still have thoughts of hanging but where? I can’t do it in my room as the ceiling is too low and I don’t want to be home when I do it. I just feel so stuck in trying to kill myself too that it just leads to more frustration.

I just don’t want to be anymore. I am tired, so very tired to the point of total exhaustion of struggling all the time with one thing or another. Either I am struggling with myself, or I am struggling in pain. I don’t know what psychological pain feels like anymore because my physical pain has been too great it overwhelms everything else. Yesterday my mother told me that I should see yet another doctor at another hospital. I told her I was done seeing doctors. They can’t find what is wrong with my ankle to do anything about it anyways. I have a vague diagnosis of tendonitis or CRPS or maybe something else. I don’t know anymore. I just know that I hurt almost 24/7. The only time I don’t feel any pain is when I sleep and that is iffy at best. Luckily, today I had around 6 straight hours. But I still woke up in pain. Luckily, the pain was manageable as I was able to finally take a shower. I hate the summer because I sweat more and stink. I usually shower every other day but with my pain levels being the way they are, it is more like every three days tops. Last week, I almost went a week without showering because I was on bedrest and in a LOT of pain.

So I hope to get to the rest of my Coffee and therapy story tonight. But if I don’t, it will make an interesting blog for next week.

Chronic pain and therapist suicide experience

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Chronic pain is a bitch

I woke up around seven this morning in pain. Instead of listening to it, I said fuck it, and went out today after my therapy appointment. I had to get out of the house to get a coffee and write. I am tired of looking at the walls in my room.

While I was up early, I checked my blog stats. Turns out my comparison of psychological pain scales was high at 3 views so I decided to send the link to the psyD I have been following on twitter. I really like this guy, not in a romantic way or anything of the sort, but as a person of interest in my interests. He talks a lot about GLBT issues and also of his dog. He has a basset hound. Though I am not really a dog person (I prefer cats), I do think basset hounds are pretty good. I could be wrong about the breed, as I only have seen one picture of her.

Anyways, I sent him my paper and he favorited it, which I hope in the twitter world, means like. I am so curious to see what he thinks of it. This is the second paper that I sent him. The first was my analysis of a song paper that talked about how to save a life. He blogs and today he sent out a blog about suicide. I read it later this morning after going back to sleep. I was sad to find out that he lost a patient to suicide a few years ago. He wrote about it in such a way that made me feel for him. He also wrote about how it was difficult to write because he didn’t want to violate his ethics of being a psychologist. There are several blogs about how he dealt with this loss. I haven’t had the chance to read them all, but I will because I think it is important to read. Not many therapists have the courage to acknowledge the loss of a patient, especially on the internet. It is such a sensitive topic for any therapist. I have read a lot about suicide and know that there is a 1 in 10 chance that a mental health professional will encounter a suicide in their practice at some point in their career. Out of the therapists that I have known where this guy works, I say he is the one. But I could be wrong. That percentage might be higher. Not all therapist deal with the loss. They may never want to treat a client again with suicidal tendencies. Or if they continue to see someone with suicidal thoughts, they may shift them to another therapist. Often, the therapist feels like a failure as my twitter friend wrote. But they are not failures. Suicide is a personal, private act. As suicidal as I have been over the years, I never wanted to share my thoughts because I was always afraid of being thrown in the hospital because of them. And after a dozen hospitalizations, I finally learned that if I wanted to keep out of the hospital, I had to stifle the urge to tell someone my thoughts. It became a lonely place. That is why in 2005, I shut down with my therapist and almost killed myself. That year was the closest I have ever been in my adult life, outside of the “chronic physical pain suicidal thoughts”. I say that is a distinction because I wasn’t in chronic physical pain then like I am today. I was deep in psychological pain. And I think that if my therapist hadn’t cried when I told her I was ending my life, I might have gone through with it, even though I told her what I was planning. I still had time to say “fuck you” and end it all, but her crying stopped me. It meant that I meant something to someone other than my dysfunctional family. I couldn’t kill myself knowing that I was going to cause her pain. Sure, she might have had a little post partum depression going on (she was finally back from maternity leave earlier that year) and my suicidal thoughts triggered a response I wasn’t expecting and also for her.