Tag: psychosis

still inpatient

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

I got a scare this morning when the day shift staff kept on telling me i was gong to get discharged. After the bad weekend I had, I didn’t feel comfortable being let go today. I think it was just too soon. When I talked with my team, they agreed and I will be here another few days. I feel a little bit safer knowing that I am not being let go against my will.

My voice that I always talk to has come back. She was missing a little bit in action last night. I felt so lost without her. I have heard this voice for so long she is part of my thought process. I am not able to read or write without it.

I am feeling a little less paranoid now than I have in the few days. The perphenazine (trilafon) is working for me but it is knocking out all my voices. I hate that because it disrupts my thinking process and makes me more paranoid. I am hoping not to stay on a long term of this medication, I think once I get used to it, it might lessen things up.

I got my first suicidal impulses last night. I thought they were gone for a while because it has been almost three weeks since I have thoughts of killing myself, well active thoughts, not just passive thoughts. I really feel like I can live and have things go on the way they have been going and I am ok with it. I guess MLG’s letting it go has really helped me to let things go. I find that i am worrying less about things and she is not in the least mad at me that I am not writing about the project. She just wants me to get well. She sent me a nice email last night about how she thinks this could be a grief reaction to something regarding my transgender identity. She could be right but I am going through so much grief in other areas of my life that it is really hard to point to just one thing that has caused this psychotic break that I am experiencing.

Just for fun, I did four minutes on the exercise bike just to do something. I thought I was ok but my ankle is now hurting me more than anything. I am walking around with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic) on the unit just to give me extra support and to ease the pain as they are not giving my pain meds like I take them at home.

I just talked with my therapist and it was so good to hear her voice. I told her all my voices have been wiped out and am finding it hard to think. She felt relieved but is a little worried that I might not be functional.

Group is starting soon so I will stop here for now. If I am able to post later I will.

paranoia troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

today has not been a good day. I have been trying to isolate myself from the unit because the voices are really bad today. They are saying anything from the staff is poisoning to me to wanting to cut my arm off with the blood pressure cuff. And of course they are telling me to kill myself. I don’t think the meds are helping and I am running out of hope that things will get better.

I made a friend while here and she is interested in reading my book when it comes out. I will give her all my contact information when I get out of here. She is a real sweetheart. I hope she gets help too.

I don’t know why today is bad. I feel like I am not doing my routine and I am getting out of things. But I had a friend of mine bring in a mocha today so I was happy for a little while. I so needed a mocha fix. Dinner time is almost here but I quickly wanted to write a blog post about how things are going. I haven’t been writing today. I just can’t seem to find the words I want to use to write because the meds have me all messed up. I know this might seem silly but I miss my one voice I always talk to. The meds have made her go away and I hope that she comes back soon. She was a “nice” voice.

I talked about Mr. Hyde today and that sort of got me revved up. I don’t know why. I guess with the voices telling me to kill myself it stirred the pot a little bit.

A Taylor post and an update

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

As some of you might know, I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. I got a tweet today that said her wing of the country hall of fame will be opening tomorrow. She donated 4 million dollars (USD) for this education center. I feel so proud of her. She is the only country artist to have done this. But I think she is also the only successful artist too.

I am still in the hospital. Been having a bad day. Voices have been bad today and I have the feeling of not being safe. I usually feel safe in the hospital. This is the first time that I don’t. It is a little unnerving. It’s nothing to do with the staff or the doctors. It just has to do with my fricken psychosis.

I am typing this on my phone so I apologize if there are typos.

My meds have been increased so I am hoping to get relief by Monday. But we’ll see. I don’t think I will be having visitors this long weekend. It’s Columbus Day, a holiday that my state recognizes.

I have been trying to deal with the voices on my own for so long it is difficult to ask the staff for help. Some of their suggestions are not helpful but it’s better than nothing I guess. I mostly have been listening to music and for the first time in 2 weeks the song sirens doesn’t bother me. I just wish the paranoia would go away. I can’t shake the feeling I am being watched all the time. I know the staff is watching but I just feel like someone is behind me all the time even if my back is close to a wall. It is weird. But it is what it is. I hate constantly looking over my shoulder.

I still have a huge blog that I am writing about my daily routine. I hope you will like it when I post it.

decision has been made

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Decision has been made

I will be going to the hospital today for an evaluation. If they deem that I will be hospitalized, then I am not going to fight them on it. My therapist is still wicked concerned that this hasn’t stopped in over a week. I know that once they talk to her, I will most likely be in anyways.

I woke up kind of late today so I didn’t have my breakfast like I wanted. Now I am on my way to the hospital but will be making a Starbucks run first. I need coffee and something to eat. Consider it my last meal in the outside world! Haha.

I don’t know if I will be able to post while I am in the hospital. It all depends on where I will be going. I am nervous about that because they don’t always know where there is a bed available. I hope there is one available locally so I don’t have to worry about a big ambulance bill if I have to be transferred to another hospital. Don’t know if I will have my cell phone access. Different units, different rules.