Tag: psychotherapist

Don’t Make Me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Don’t Make Me

I heard this Blake Shelton song last night and nearly cried. I texted my therapist some of the lyrics but I don’t think it got through to her yesterday. She was so frazzled by her phone not functioning we really didn’t talk about the texts I sent her. Her phone is still caputs as AT&T is doing service in her area and it’s affecting her connection. So instead of talking tomorrow, I have to wait till next week.

I had a bad night sleeping seems I woke up every time the pain meds wore off. Then temp stayed pretty stabled but it’s kind of damp and rainy so I am hurting. I was going to take a shower if I got up before 0700 but I woke up around 3 and fell back to sleep around 4 so set my alarm to wake up at a little after 7. Good thing I did because I was knocked out. I sort of dozed a bit before getting up and then I had to rush. I wanted to catch the 0822 bus and I was cutting it close. After the shower, I really just wanted to go back to bed but had to get going. It wore me out some. I caught the bus to the square and had my Starbucks. I realized on the bus ride that I forgot my headphones. Just wonderful. I think if my brother in law hadn’t scared me, I probably would have remembered to grab them. I was hurrying and forgot. So now I have another pair of headphones. I put this new pair in my backpack in case I forget again. It was raining by the time we got to the Square so I was glad I didn’t wear my Bluetooth set that I wanted to.

I met with my pdoc. I didn’t want to cry but I did. I told her it was my fault that I caused this problem with my therapist and she said that was ridiculous. It made me feel a little better about the situation. But she still doesn’t know exactly why my therapist is pushing for a new therapist. Everything is happening so fast that I don’t even know anymore. Sure I got mad at my therapist and wrote somethings to her that said I had enough, but she heard this stuff all before, why all of a sudden the change? She said she still wants to work with me, so why is she pushing a new therapist? Why do I have to go through that hassle? It just doesn’t make any sense and until I can talk with her again, I am not going to know. Maybe I missed something. And in my depressed mind I can’t figure it out. I am just coming up with reasons why she wants me gone, which I don’t think is totally through after being together 14 years. Sure the phone is a pain in the ass but why is it a problem after three years? Something is going on behind the scene that I don’t know about. That much I am certain. But what it is, I am not sure. I will have to wait until Tuesday to find out.

I told my pdoc that the depression is the worst that I have felt in years. I don’t ever recall a depression where I feel so empty inside. I told her I haven’t been writing and then starting the waterworks when I brought up the writing story. I know I can write about the difficulty but I just can’t find the motivation to do it. I no longer have a writing partner to help me anymore. Not like we were in competition or anything. But she would keep me on track with writing and it was nice to have someone to talk to specifically for writing. Now my partner is moving on to other creative projects like arts and crafts and bag making. Maybe she is burnt out by writing after she got married. I don’t know. Her bags are cute and I am thinking of getting one for my sister or cousin. It would make a nice Christmas gift. My writing is on hold until I can sort out the therapy situation. My pdoc is worried and wants me to let her know when I do.

As I need to send my laptop back to Dell for repair, I took out the old laptop. It works but the battery is dead. I tried finding on the Dell website and they don’t have them anymore. Office Depot has one for like $50. As long as it works while plugged in I won’t get one, though it might be worthwhile. I am just glad I can use the laptop. I just can’t use internet explorer as a browser because it’s old and my stupid hard drive won’t download the updates. That was one of the reasons why I had to get the new laptop because the old one wouldn’t update windows stuff. It’s a bad hard drive, with some kind of compatibility issue. I found this out when I had to get encryption for my work, and that was just when my laptop was a year old! But it connects to the net via the Chrome browser and word works so I am good. Everything else I can use my phone for. It’s just blogging that I need my laptop.

Weird Therapy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Weird therapy day

I am not having a good day. I woke up in the early morning hours in pain and then woke up an hour after I fell asleep. I just can’t get this pain under control. My mother decided to call me when I was just waking up and I didn’t want to talk to her so let it go to voicemail. I waited a little bit before going downstairs as I wasn’t completely woken up. When I did see her, she berated me for not answering the phone, like it was some emergency. She wanted me to let the gas man in the house to fix the meters. No can do as I have my therapy appointment. She wanted to go shopping. Tough shit.

I tried to have therapy today but my therapist’s phone just wasn’t cooperating. So we had the session via text message as that seemed to be the only thing her phone could do. So half the session was via talk and the rest via text. Interesting. We didn’t get much accomplished as you can imagine, though my therapist is a fast typer, faster than me. She still wants me to try and find someone face to face. I gave her the number for the center I found in my area that might be able to help me. I am not calling. I can’t stand the thought of being turned down or told to be put on a waiting list for months.

I told my therapist I was depressed. I am not eating, I don’t care about anything, and I have no energy. I am just so tired. And trying to find a new therapist in the mix of this is just dragging me down. I see my pdoc tomorrow and she wants me to tell her what I am feeling. I don’t know why I should bother. It’s not like she is going to help. I am getting a headache just thinking about it. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, ever. I have to get up early tomorrow (which shouldn’t be a problem as I am up anyways) to get to this appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I will just be wasting her time, like I am wasting my therapist’s time. I don’t know how they can stand me.

I told my therapist about Jack and Hyde and unfortunately, the phone cut out so I have no idea what she was saying. It was a very stressful session. I think she is going to get a new phone, least I hope she does. I understand why she doesn’t want to get a new phone but this has got to be a reason for getting a new one. I had to get a new phone because my phone was just not working anymore. And if the phone just doesn’t work anymore, what the hell is the point of using the device??

I am in a lot of pain today. The weather warmed up by twenty degrees. I am aching all over. But because I haven’t eaten anything substantial, I can’t take my NSAID pill. I have to have a full meal, not a small bag of popcorn. I just don’t want to make anything. I doubt I could because the gas people are working on the meters so I don’t think I can use the stove. I am so depressed, I don’t care. I just took some pain meds and an Ativan to get back to sleep. If my mother needs help with the damn groceries, I am going to be in dreamland. I just hope I don’t wake up, though I probably will. I didn’t take more than what is prescribed to me. Though I do feel like it. I really can’t because I don’t want to lose the trust of my doctors. That means a lot to me. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to say to my pdoc tomorrow. I know she will want some more information about my therapist and I just hope I don’t break down and cry. That is my biggest fear.

Other than writing this blog, I don’t have anything else I need to do today. I still need to find a quote for tomorrow’s “Quote of the Day”. It’s getting harder to find because the book is almost finished. I might have to start looking into his other books. I am finding it fun to have this type of blog. Once I have exhausted Dr. Shneidman’s works, I suppose I could go to Kay Redfield Jamison. She has a lot of quotes.

Really Spent

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Really spent

I am running out of spoons faster than a kid’s birthday party. I went to my father’s today and had to pick up his prescription, again, because he forgot. That meant extra walking for me and I am still sore from all that I did yesterday. It felt like ages to walk the three blocks from Stop and Shop to his apartment complex. I got there and did what I needed to do but didn’t leave shortly thereafter because the lab was coming by to draw his blood and I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to fight the phlebotomist. I guess the last time they drew his blood the lady drew extra tubes and tossed them. He got mad because he “needed his blood”. Luckily, his levels were ok this week. After the lady drew his blood, my sister came and got us. We went out for lunch because I knew he wasn’t going to eat. So we went to a pizza place. By the time we got there, I was so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. Luckily my sister had to go home for something so I was able to get a ride. I think I would have fallen asleep on the train and goodbye Jack. I would have missed my stop.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my therapist situation. Now my psych wants to talk to my therapist. I told her it is my fault as I am done with therapy and told my therapist I was done with her. I just didn’t think she would take it seriously. I have tried to fire her several times in the past and failed. Why this is different, I am not sure. Maybe she is tired of me and my suicidality. She has said that she isn’t but her pushing me to see another therapist makes me wonder. I also told my psych that the phone just isn’t working for us anymore. I don’t know if she will call her or not. But then, I have never known my psych to say something that she doesn’t follow through on. I just know I am going to get the blame for all this as it was my anger that prompted all this. Thing is, I really don’t care what happens in therapy. I am so tired of the treatment itself, not necessarily of my therapist, just of talking to someone week after week after week. It’s old. I am bored with it. And I am not really finding it helpful. I am not saying that ANYONE should stop their treatment based on what I am saying because therapy has been helpful to me over the years. It has kept me alive when I really struggled with death. I am as my therapist has said, burnt out, in more ways than one.

My therapist has suggested that I find someone possibly DBT structured. I would try and find a CBT therapist that offers brief sessions. I don’t want to do the whole CBT or DBT program. I just don’t believe in it. I am more psychodynamically oriented. There is a place that is west of Boston that I can try and find a psychodynamic therapist but because I am on medicare now, I don’t think they will pay or see me. And I know my co-insurance will most likely be out of network so there is that, too. I don’t need a referral for seeing someone. I might call my insurance when I feel like really talking to someone again. Right now, I have no inclination to do so. Only person I will talk to will be my psychiatrist.

I want to say to my readers and those that have commented on my blog recently, thank you. It means a lot to have positive feedback that is empathic and understanding. I was seriously considering ending this blog because of the troll but you have showed me there is a purpose to this blog and that I do help people, even though I don’t always get feedback on every blog that I post. But my stats help show me that people look to my blog for whatever reason, especially those suffering from Cauda Equina Syndrome. There may not be a ton of people with it but there are a few.

Tired of Dealing with Bullshit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired of dealing with Bullshit

I realized today that since my accident on Friday, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I keep this blog or stop it, that I don’t care if I see another therapist, or continue to see my current one. I don’t care that my family takes advantage of me and thinks I can do things physically that always bring me pain. I think they have accustomed themselves to me being home all the time, forgetting that I am disabled. I am tired of being in pain every single night and being in fear of this pain because I don’t know if I will sleep. Last night I was having one of the bad nights and thought Hyde was going to come out. He didn’t but it was the perfect scenario for him to come out in. And I don’t care that he has gone under, away from my consciousness. I feel like I am out of touch with everything and I am just going through the motions. I can’t think about killing myself because why bother, I’ll just get it wrong.

Since my mother fell last week, she has asked for help with making dinner and then cleaning up. I hate cleaning up. Growing up, we didn’t have a dishwasher so we had to do all the dishes. My father had his way, my mother had hers. And when one of them were supervising, there was bound to be yelling because we were doing it “wrong” aka the other parent’s way. But my mother washes the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I don’t understand this so I just washed the two dishes and put them in the strainer. I don’t see the point of washing them just to be washed again. Doing this causes me pain. My hip acts up because I am standing greater than ten minutes. Then my foot and ankle decide to get ornery. My upper back can’t stand me doing anything so I have to sit down and rest every ten minutes. It takes a long time to get finished doing this stuff. But I have to help her because she is hurt. I did the dishes and pans tonight. I didn’t do the pan she cooked the mushrooms in because there was still a lot of oil in the pan. I don’t do oil. If I toss it, she might be mad so I just left it for her to do. Tomorrow I have to pick up my niece. I hope my ankle is feeling better by then and I can stand and walk to the school and back.

My therapist and I talked today. She was all business and willing to work with me, even if that meant finding another therapist. We walked down this path before and I am sure we will walk down it again. I was going to make a call today to a social worker in my area. I never made the call. I just can’t go through another possible rejection. I hope the business like attitude continues and we don’t really go back to where we were before.

I realized today that I have become my father. When he becomes mad at someone, he cuts all lines to them. He never talks to them again. I realized today, it’s what I have been doing to my therapist the past three or four years. Every time I get mad at her, I want to leave her. Problem solved. But she wouldn’t allow that, never has. I sent her stuff from the Suicide Summit meeting that is going on the past few days in NY City. Some of it had to do with Jobes and others were from other researchers. We talked about it and the airhead thinks that I still want her to be a suicidologist. I think Airhead is going to be her new name. What I find troubling is that she gets the information that I give her yet won’t step outside her box to actually find these places on her own. Like suicide is a one time thing. I can’t be her only client that is suicidal. Maybe I am. I have no clue. And I don’t want her to be suicidologist, just be aware of what is going on in the suicide world because it is so important in the field of psychology and others. Suicide is everyone’s business, least that is the motto of the AAS. She doesn’t have to change her entire way of doing things, just be aware of what is going on around her. I am not at the hospital anymore where I had access to current research. I am only getting tidbits from Twitter because I follow suicide prevention tweeps. And those tidbits turn into my research library. Sure I get the AAS journal, but it’s the only research journal that I get. When I was at work, I had access to all the psych journals and more. It hurts no longer being an employee anymore.