Tag: schizoaffective disorder

paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

woke up this morning feeling paranoid. I don’t know why. I am still in the hospital but not meds seem to be helping at all.

I have been writing, on paper, a longer blog on my thoughts but seeing as the computer was available to me today, I thought I would post. I got a comment today about one of my popular posts that I am “boring”. Sorry, but this is what my life is like. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. I struggle with mental illness constantly and if that is boring to you, well then got off my site. Sorry if that seems a little harsh, and I know my writing hasn’t been consistent the last few weeks but I just can’t handle negative comments right now. I just feel out of place enough as it is.

I have been sketching, something I hardly ever do, of the deathly hallows of the Harry Potter series. I have been drawing the mark of the brothers, the elder wand, sorcerer’s stone, and invisibility cloak. I find that it helps to calm me down when I am in an agitated state because it takes some time to draw. I drew several the other night, making them bigger each time but my spatial abilities aren’t that great so it didn’t come out perfect. when I get home I will include the pic in the post. I should have taken a Harry Potter book with me as it probably would be better than Noonday Demon. That book is striking chords with me about my depression and it’s kind of unnerving.

I don’t think I will have any visitors this weekend. It is a long weekend because of Columbus Day. It is celebrated in my state as a state holiday. I don’t know if my therapist will be in the office or not, but i hope she answers my text about possibly meeting on Thursday. I should hopefully be out of the hospital on Wednesday. Least I am hoping to be. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. I need to be out by Friday because I want to meet with my pdoc. It will take a long while to get another appointment with her if I miss this one.

Right now things have been tough because the voices are telling me that no one believes me and that I should just go out of the hospital to self harm because they will believe me then. I keep fighting the urge while i am in the hospital. You would think that it should be easy as you don’t have access to your stuff but because you don’t, every thing becomes something sharp to hurt yourself. I am trying not to think about it too much but the voices are really nagging me. Meds don’t seem to be helping. I just feel like i have to deal with my stuff alone as the staff doesn’t know what to do with me and my agitation. They keep trying to tell me to using “grounding” techniques, which is good if I am having flashbacks but not when I am psychotic!!! I just feel like no one gets me or understands on this unit. It’s turning out to be a bad experience. I rather be on the other more restrictive unit, even though I won’t have internet access. Least then it is cut and dry. I just am not clicking with anyone on the unit, staff included. I just have to distance myself because I don’t want to get close. I really am struggling and when you have an internal battle going on, it is difficult to get help and click with someone. Plus, being paranoid prevents human connection. I am extremely suspicious of others. I just don’t trust anyone, not even my doctors. I have been having trouble eating while i am here. Nothing tastes good. I don’t have an appetite. I just have been eating little stuff, mostly stuff that I know haven’t been tampered with, like bowls of cereal or graham crackers. Dealing with this level of psychosis for this length of time is really exhausting. I thought of killing myself when I got out of here just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I just hate feeling like this.

My sisters texted me last night that one of my cousins is trying to get in touch with me. She wants to get together for lunch. This cousin is my Godfather’s wife. I haven’t seen her since earlier this year after his remembrance Mass. He died two years ago unexpectedly. I really like her and we get along great it is just that I don’t have a car and she lives south, way south of me. I have to take the commuter rail, which I don’t mind but it’s sort of expensive and I am short on funds right now. His birthday is next month. I miss him terribly. He was a good guy.

Interim post

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I got to a unit that has internet access. It is difficult writing on my tablet, but not impossible. I feel really paranoid with being here. No med changes have been made yet, though I think they are increasing my meds tonight. I feel safe but I don’t it’s hard to explain. I have a semi ok doc. and it remains to be seen about my case worker.

I will be typing up a longer post when I get out. But for those that follow regularly, I wanted to write a little something.

decision has been made

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Decision has been made

I will be going to the hospital today for an evaluation. If they deem that I will be hospitalized, then I am not going to fight them on it. My therapist is still wicked concerned that this hasn’t stopped in over a week. I know that once they talk to her, I will most likely be in anyways.

I woke up kind of late today so I didn’t have my breakfast like I wanted. Now I am on my way to the hospital but will be making a Starbucks run first. I need coffee and something to eat. Consider it my last meal in the outside world! Haha.

I don’t know if I will be able to post while I am in the hospital. It all depends on where I will be going. I am nervous about that because they don’t always know where there is a bed available. I hope there is one available locally so I don’t have to worry about a big ambulance bill if I have to be transferred to another hospital. Don’t know if I will have my cell phone access. Different units, different rules.

rough night of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

I am not feeling good today. I had a rough night of sleep. I really want to get to a Dunkin Donuts for their Roasted Dark coffee and a couple of donuts. But I am too lazy to walk there. Actually, I think that if I did, I would be hurting as my ankle is still tender and sore.

I still am feeling like going to the hospital would be best, if only for a few days. I just am feeling really anxious and stuff. The voices seem to have settled down some but I just can’t stand this depression. It is dragging me down like no tomorrow. I thought today I would be able to work on my editing but I am still overwhelmed with it that I don’t want to try. If I didn’t see the blue screen of death today, I might have tried but I can’t risk losing my files. I have to wait for the new laptop tomorrow before I work on it. I should be home all day tomorrow so there shouldn’t be any problems.

Once my laptop is safely in my possession and I know that there are no problems with it, I will make a decision to go into the hospital. I probably won’t go in till Tuesday. I was hoping for tomorrow but now that doesn’t seem likely as the delivery won’t be till after 2 pm. By the time I get to the hospital it will be kind of late and I might not get where I want to go.

I’m still feeling paranoid, just have the sensation of being watched all the time, and not in a good way.