Tag: suicidality

Broken Routines

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I got an email from TiVo saying that I could get a lifetime product for their new Roamio sets. I would love to upgrade to a new system as mine is over 12 years old. It still works good and all but I think it is time for an upgrade so I can record more shows at the same time. But, alas, I can’t afford the Roamio and the offer is only good until Jan 28th. Rats.

I was reading an old blog that I wrote almost two years ago about clutter. In it, I described my current life situation where I have clothes and papers all over the place without a home. I am unable to find a home because I don’t have a place to put them. So they just stay in piles. I use the piles because I do have to change clothes a few times a week. The reason I don’t go through the piles often is because I don’t shower every day like I used to. I shower maybe 3-4 times a week, if that, and it depends on my mood and pain level. I try to shower at least every other day but some times that is just not possible. Very rarely do I shower on consecutive days. I notice when I don’t shower a lot when my mother does the laundry. I can’t do the laundry because I don’t do it her way. I will have a small pile of clean clothes, which basically means, I didn’t shower too often that week.

I read an article today about how sunshine may contribute to suicide. But in the same article, it said that sunshine for 14-60 days was preventative against suicide. So if you have sun for less than 10 days, you may commit suicide. Makes sense to me because I have found that at the peak of summer, my suicidality goes through the roof with the heat and sunshine. I can’t stand it. Give me cloudy days any day! Luckily in Boston, we don’t have consecutive days of sunshine. Though it may be what is contributing to my suicidality the last couple of days. The study took out the seasons variability factor. Here is the link to the article if you are interested. It is a bit technical and at times confusing but well worth the read. The interesting finding in the study was that women were more likely to die by suicide than men. Usually, the reverse is true. But the authors didn’t mention that at all, least not in the overview. here is a simpler version of the same article: sunshine and suicide

I had therapy today. I wish I could say that it was encouraging but I felt like it was work and a whole lot of bullshit. My therapist was trying to tell me that I need to be validated and that I am missing that because I am so isolated. Her contact is the only human contact I get now a days. I don’t talk with my mother about any thing related to me. I don’t talk to my sisters about what is wrong. My psychiatrist is out in cyberland somewhere and I can’t always get a response from her. So the only people I “talk” with are my Twitter followers, and sometimes, my Facebook friends. And with me feeling wicked down on myself and wanting to kill myself, she feels like I am too isolated and need more contact with people. Trouble is, there aren’t a whole lot of people I talk with, even while I was working. Sure I socialized with my coworkers while working but rarely did our friendship leave the office. Since being out of work, even my closest friends never call me or text me like they used to. I used to text them all the time but when I started getting no responses, I stopped. It’s been almost three years since I have been out of work. And yes, this time of year always sucks for me, but not having social support is hurting me. Sure I have my writing and my blog, but I don’t always get responses to every post I publish. And yesterday, I really was looking for validation on one of my papers that I sent to a clinical social worker. He totally missed what the paper was about. He thought it was more about the song than the content I was writing about. That hurt me more than words can express. And that is the other thing. Lately, I have been having trouble expressing myself either on Twitter or my blog. I don’t know what is holding me back but I just cannot say what I feel anymore. Last night was a difficult night, again, and I all I could do was spout off lyrics of the songs I was playing. The hardest part was trying to keep it within 140 characters and still be able to quote the artist.

My mood is all over the place. One minute I am hanging by a thread and the next I am okay. Right now, there is a heaviness in my chest. It’s almost 2000 and already my mood has winded down. I don’t know if I can stand another painful night of heartache. I don’t know what is causing me such misery. It’s not my anniversary, yet, of my surgeries and when my life changed forever. Granted I was talking to a friend and we were talking about how my ankle is being such a downer. I can’t do stairs and yet I am supposed to do PT tomorrow. I really don’t see the fucking point of going to PT. I know I am always going to be in pain. Any activity is going to hurt me. But I have become so reclusive. I don’t go out, unless I really have the motivation to do so. I still have funds for my Starbucks from my birthday and Christmas gifts but I really haven’t gone out more than once a week. The routine used to be have therapy, get dressed, catch the bus, and then go to Starbucks. Now it more like have therapy and then catch a nap, write a blog, have dinner, then go to sleep. I really have to psych myself up to go out. I don’t talk with anyone human, except for my mother. Some days I don’t really talk with her at all except to make dinner plans. If I talk with my sisters, it is via text message, though lately my sister has been calling me. But outside of family, there is no other communication. I might chat with my Twitter buddies but it’s not instantaneous. And lately, I just haven’t been feeling up to chatting. I just stay in my room because it is quiet and I play my annoying game. So that is what I do all day. Nothing at all. I am really useless.

Sun Downing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Had a rough time last night. Thoughts were so hopeless and I was filled with despair. I tried tweeting my thoughts but I couldn’t form words to my pain. It was agonizing not being able to express myself. I wanted to read something about suicide that would help me realize that life was worth living but I was paralyzed with fear that if I read something negative, it might push me over the edge on I was on. I was trying to find “suicidal mind” to ease my psychache but I had no idea where to look. Today I know where to look and after I write this blog, I am searching for it. I think it is in my Psychache binder folder. I hope so anyways. If I don’t find it, I will buy another copy when I get paid in two weeks. I texted my therapist to call me if she has a chance. I need her calming voice that things are going to be okay.

I don’t know how things went south. I think it was the sun downing experience I get when I am deeply depressed. My mood gets worse when the sun sets, but unfortunately, the sun had already set when my mood shifted. Usually after 8 pm (2000), my mood goes south, more so this time of the year than at any other time. It usually starts the end of September and ends any where the middle of February to the middle of March. It is when my suicidal thoughts are at their worst. There has been documentation about this in bipolar people. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, Night falls Fast, I think states that is the worst time of year for bipolars to commit suicide. If it isn’t that book, it is the book “Touched with Fire”. Both are very good books and I think are in my Useful Books page.

Right now I am starting to feel sad. I have been listening to a variety of music on my phone to get me out of this funk I am in but it’s not helping me. They say when you are depressed you analyze lyrics more than words to the song. Or something like that. And I have been doing that. If I could have YouTube on repeat for Carrie Underwood’s song “Something in the Water”, I would. I find this song uplifting. It’s on my music to buy list, which is getting longer each month. I hate not being able to buy music when I want to. When I was working, this wasn’t a problem but being on a fixed income, you learn to budget. And you allow certain funds to go towards entertainment. Usually I get a few songs a month but Carrie just came out with her first Greatest Hits CD and I want it! It has all my favorite Carrie songs, and a few I don’t know. The new song, Something in the water is on this CD collection. I just can’t decide if I want the physical CD or the MP3 version. I have a few weeks to think about it. Until then, YouTube is playing my song, even if I have to hit play a few times.

My little niece called me to pick her up but after my doctor’s appointment today, I need to rest my ankle. I have to pick her up tomorrow and if I do too much today, I will be toast. My ankle is starting to throb so I really shouldn’t tax it. She will just have to wait until her mother picks her up when she gets out of work. I feel bad and it only worsens my depression because I can’t do things like I used to. It still amazes me that I was able to work 2 jobs while in horrible pain and now can’t even work one. Course, I passed my breaking point when I had to wear an AFO. I just wished I had chosen the research job over the clinical job. Working 20 hours would have been a severe pay cut but at least I still would have a job and maybe be able to finish school finally.

Throbbing is moving into my foot. I fucking hate when that happens. I won’t be able to go down the stairs, or up, over the next few hours. Least until my pain medication kicks in. Doc I saw today has me on a new NSAID (non-steriodal anti-inflammatory drug) called Mobic (meloxicam). I need to start it tomorrow because I took my last dose of another NSAID last night and you can’t take the two together. I hope it works better than what I am taking now. I hope it helps my arthritis in my hands and that it doesn’t cause GI upset. I left a message with the doc as to when is best to take it. I usually take all my meds at night but I don’t know if that is best or not for this new med. I just hope it helps me and doesn’t cause me any side effects.

Random Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

I think I am coming down with something as I have never been this cold before in my life. I never had to wear double layers as I always have been hot. But the last few days, something has changed. I don’t know if it is my thyroid out of whack or this cold that I just can’t shake, but I am freezing most of the day. I am not running a fever, that much I know, which is good. I know it is cold out, and that doesn’t help my case. But I am not outside! I am inside where there is heat. I am under the blankets of my bed so I don’t understand why I am so cold.

I had therapy today. Nothing new was discussed. She got my letters finally and she was again in awe that I find lyrics that fit our situation. I also told her about a comment my newest blog follower wrote about me considering getting published in academia. I would really love that but unfortunately, I don’’ have the initials after my name to do that. Hell, I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree, yet. I also told her that I plan on submitting my TG piece to a contest that is gearing up soon. It’s kind of like crap but I think the message is that my being in the wrong gender is causing me to be suicidal. I hope I win, but you never know. I had it on my blog but took it down as it was only for my therapist to see. I wanted her opinion on it before I submitted it for a blog post. The blog post never materialized so I am going to submit it for the contest. I hope I win and don’t have to travel to receive the award. It would be so great to see Dr. Quinnett again. He is the guy sponsoring the contest, well his institute is. I will hopefully submit next week when the portal to do so is open.

We also talked about my not being able to accept praise. She then brought up the whole accomplishment assignment that I never did. It’s hard for me to write something positive about myself. I rather hear it from someone else because I don’t believe in myself enough to know it is true. All my life and still till this day, I have been told I am a nothing. Even if I got straight A’s, my father wanted me to get higher grades. Then he called me a liar one day and my life went down the toilet. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I tried to kill myself for the first time in my life because he made me feel so small. That is why I tolerate him from a distance. I do things for him only out of obligation because I am the oldest child but I don’t enjoy it. I rather have a root canal than spend time with him.

So anyways, it is difficult for me to come up with some self-appreciation, especially now that I am stuck in the middle of the abyss with this depression that came out of no where. I think I am on the mend but depression has its own way of showing itself. Just when you think you are getting well, you slip and fall back into the hole.

I have an appointment with my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) tomorrow at fricken 1030. I don’t know why I picked an early time. I just hope the weather is fair.

I have been trying to find the “suicide as psychache” book by Dr. Shneidman but haven’t been able to locate it. I know it is buried under some things in my room. But which things, I am lost. I don’t remember the last time I saw it. I should organize all my suicidology stuff one day. I have them scattered between my office and my room. If I could have them in one central place, I think that would help when I want to read something. It’s a shame I don’t know where my “Suicidal Mind” book is. I might have to buy another copy. I wouldn’t mind having two copies of the same book. In my mind, I need two because I am always misplacing one. Things aren’t considered lost unless they leave my house. “Suicidal Mind” is my favorite book by Dr. Shneidman. It “speaks” to me like no other book does, with the possible exception of Dr. Quinnett’s book, “Suicide the forever decision”. I am thinking of writing a review on the Suicidal Mind so it would be nice to re-read it.

Lump of Coal

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just woke up from a nap. It’s almost two in the morning. I am having a hard time going back to sleep. I don’t want to play my game because I know I will be up all night if I do.

I still feel awful. I think that is one reason I can’t sleep. I know I made the mistake of going to sleep before 2000 was wrong. I really was just expecting just to sleep for about an hour, take my meds, and then sleep for the night. That didn’t happen. Luckily my phone was beeping that woke me up to take my meds otherwise I might not have woken up. My battery would have been dead because I was playing my MP3 player. I had Mary Chapin playing. I am now playing Casey James’ new song “Fall Apart”.

I feel like such a loser. I finished my big blog post about CAMS and I should feel proud of that because it took so much mental energy to write it. But I don’t feel anything. I feel like a lump of coal. I hate feeling like this. I can’t say that I wish I was happy. I don’t believe in happiness. Like any other emotion, it stays with you for a little while and then disappears so why strive to be happy. I rather feel content. And I don’t feel that way right now. I have fallen into the abyss of depression. The black dog has returned. I don’t want to do a damn thing tomorrow but I have to go to my father’s to give him something that my sister bought. It’s supposed to be yucky out. I am not looking forward to going out.

Saturday I went over his house to fill his med case for the week. I wish someone would fill mine every week. He is so spoiled. But this way here I can keep track of the meds he is taking versus not taking. It is cold in my room. I just took off my long sleeved T shirt because I was hot and now I am cold. I better not be getting sick.

I just checked my stats for last night. HOLY COW. Before my nap, I was at 34 views of the day. It shot up to 82 after my blog posting. I am amazed at my readership. I thank you all for reading my blog, even though I think I write nonsense sometimes.

I just finished playing my game. I know I said I wasn’t going to play but I had some crops that I needed to harvest for a timed mission. I don’t think I am going to finish by the end. It is going to be very close if I do. I have 5 days to complete this mission and I still need a ton of stuff. Usually, I skip the timed missions because it is a pain in the ass, but this time I thought I would try it, just to challenge myself.

I am getting hungry. I should have brought up the yogurt my sister was going to give me. It’s the rest of the Greek yogurt my niece had for cooking. She made some amazing Greek yogurt sugar cookies that were so good. It was like a biscuit but a sugar cookie. It was very good. She also made some other cookies that were excellent. I don’t know how I am going to lose weight when I am surrounded by cookies. I am a cookie monster. It is my kryptonite. My niece also made a chocolate cake that was very good for my mother’s birthday. She made everything from scratch. She loves cooking my niece! She once made these scones that were out of this world. They were the best scones I ever had. Her boyfriend bought her a huge mixer for Christmas. She was so happy, she cried.

Yesterday, or should I say Saturday as it is now Monday? Anyways, as I was watching the previews to the football game, I was so emotional. I kept on crying. It wasn’t sadness that made me cry, it was sheer joy that the Pats were in the playoffs, again. I hope they are able to beat Luck and the Colts.

Meds are kicking in now so I think I will stop here and try and go back to sleep.