Tag: suicidality

piece of glass in the heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Been in a numb mood most of the day. I tried to explain to my therapist what I was feeling and that I wanted to be left alone and she asked what does that mean. I told her I just wanted to deal with things on my own and she didn’t buy it. She wants me to write but I have no interest in writing. I just write these blogs to have something to say and maybe get something going but it hasn’t been working. I have been hoping my blog would open up what is inside of me but for the past few weeks I don’t feel like it has been doing much good. I know that people from around the world have been reading the stuff I wrote about Cauda Equina. Today Germany read my blog. I feel like I am an international writer.

I just feel like crap inside. I can’t really explain it. Today was the memorial service for Sean Collier, the MIT police officer that was shot to death by the bombers last week. There still has been no motive for killing him. I have been choked up with tears. He was so young and I envy him being death. I would gladly take his place if I could to ease the suffering of his family. I have been crying most of the day, and not little sobs. Just big crying for no reason. The news of his memorial service was the beginning and then I just cried. I couldn’t hold it in. Course this was after my therapy appointment. I don’t know why I am crying so much. My therapist says that I have PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the events of last week. I know I have some symptoms of it but I don’t think it is full blown. I just am scared still. I know the people have been caught but there is no guarantee that there is someone else out there planning to do the same thing, or worse.

In addition to the crying, I also have been numb. I just don’t feel anything. I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings but it is no use. I am out of touch with them. I know I am depressed. I also have been thinking about death again, if anything just as an escape of what I am feeling. I feel numb but it is a hurting kind of numb. It’s hard to explain and I know that doesn’t make sense. How can being numb hurt? I don’t know but I do hurt inside and it is wicked deep. If I stop to think about it I can’t breathe. It’s too overpowering. Like Casey James described in one of his songs, it is like a piece of glass in the heart.

cold and rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Just had my session with my therapist and now I feel really down. I thought that talking about the week’s events would help but instead it just brought me down. I am supposed to go out tonight to have dinner with friends. I really don’t feel up to it. I can make the excuse of my foot bothering me but I need to go out. I have to stop spending so much time at home.

I don’t know how I became such a hermit. I guess having nothing to do all day will do that. I need to take a shower today. I have decided that I will take one every other day. I took a pain pill and now all I want to do is sleep.

I finished my paper for the AAS blog. I still don’t know when it will get published. I am hoping it will soon. I am really worked hard on this paper to get the word out on what it means to be in a collaborative therapy.

It’s cold and windy and rainy today. I really don’t want to go out in this weather. I just hate it. And I know it is only going to get colder tonight.

Just read on twitter that the Associated Press’s twitter account got hacked and sent reports that the White House got bombed. People are so fucking stupid. I don’t understand why they have to hack people’s accounts. I just don’t see the fun in it at all. Then I read in my support group, yahoo is still fucked up. They still haven’t fixed their hacking. Only way to do it is by telling them your account has been compromised to change your password to a strong one.

Tonight is difficult. I am in pain emotionally and physically. I got the stupid menses tonight. I thought I was bleeding but didn’t know for sure. Now I know and I hate it. I can’t stand being in this predicament. I hate having to wear women’s clothes again because boxer short just can’t hold feminine products. I am beside myself with anger that this has happened, again. I got to call the damn endo doc tomorrow and be like WTF!!! Just when I thought everything was going back to normal again and I could progress to my transgender issues this sets me back! I am so pissed…

still depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Had a productive day today. I worked on a paper and feel ok with it. My printer cooperated with printing it out so I can go over it for typos not picked up by spell-check (e.g., fro instead of for). I also added a little bit to it so I felt it was a complete paper.

Other than that I have been feeling off. I feel really sleepy since I woke up early in pain and then didn’t go back to sleep with the pain meds. The temperature has dropped so I am again hurting.

My therapist is back today. I was hoping for a time to talk with her but doesn’t look likely that she has an opening for today. I talk with her tomorrow. We have lots to talk about as I had some bad dreams last night about the bombings. I kept seeing the images of the shootout and the bomb going off at the finish line. I just couldn’t get the images out of my head. I guess that is why I woke up so early. Today we were supposed to have a minute of silence at 14:50 but I forgot to set my alarm so missed it. I hope that everyone affected ends up being ok. I still am on guard. Yesterday I saw a hummer and couldn’t help but think that there were armed guards inside. That is the type of week I have been going through, I am afraid to leave my house and go out. I haven’t been out since last night, to go for dinner with my family to celebrate my niece’s birthday.

I also have been afraid to leave the house because I don’t want to upset my ankle. I cannot believe that I still have tendonitis in it. I just want to scream.

This week is the annual conference for the American Association of Suicidology. I so wanted to go but didn’t have the financial means of getting there. I didn’t have a good experience last time I was there so it kind of foreboded me going this year. I hope to attend next year’s but I don’t think I will be able to as it is in California. I can’t wait for the conference to be back in Boston. I think it might be the year after this one, in 2015. Least I am hoping it will be.

I started reading a new book called the Team of Rivals. Part of the book is the base for the movie Lincoln. I had to buy it because I am such a Lincoln fanatic. I have a good library going on Lincoln. He is one of my favorite presidents.

Mood wise I have not been so great. Partly because of what happened last week and partly because I just was down, even though my Red Sox were doing good. I just feel out of sorts. I wish I could say my appetite has suffered but it hasn’t. Not that I am eating more, just not the right foods. I have been eating more junk food because I say why bother. I got to get back to my cereal diet. I need to lose at least fifteen to twenty pounds. That is my goal but it is so hard it depresses me. I then fall into the cycle and it just hurts. What is more depressing is that every time I see my PCP he brings my weight up. I can’t stand it and I am embarrassed by it. I hate being this heavy and I wish I had the will power to not eat junk food but when you don’t care for living, why care what you are eating?

suspects and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

The manhunt for the bombers of the Boston Marathon is over. I should be sleeping but I can’t stay off my twitter feed for updates on the suspect’s condition. He has been bleeding since very early yesterday morning when his brother got killed in the first shootout with the police. I have never had this happen to my city. I am not sure if what I am feeling is normal or I am going crazy. I have been crying, angry, irritable, and at times just sad. Four people have lost their lives because of these assholes. 176 people were injured so severely they lost their legs. Some are still in the hospital in critical condition.

I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid I will have dreams about the bombing and what I saw today on the news. Hearing the gunshots in the second shoot out is still running through my head though I was not there. I just heard it on the news, over and over. It was “exclusive news coverage” because channel 7 had it and no other station did. I understand that 4,5,6,and 7 were covering the story from 22:30 last night until 21:30 tonight. They were really doing a good job of repeating themselves over and over because they had nothing new to report and they had to stay on top of the scene in case something did develop. I seen the mess they made on Cambridge street in Cambridge where the suspects lived and investigators found more bombs. I know I can rest easy because they are caught and I don’t have to worry about more bombs going off but I can’t seem to calm down enough to relax enough to sleep. I just am so hyped up. I am listening to my favorite country artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has such a soothing voice. But not even her voice tonight is helping me sleep.

I know the other reason I cannot sleep is because my left foot is acting up again. It is in the throws of a heated state. It feels like it is on fire and I can’t get it to calm down. I have tried everything I know and still it does not work. And it is wicked painful so I can’t stand on it.

It is hot in my room. 75 degrees. I have the ceiling fan going to cool down the room and see if that help my on fire foot. I hate it when my foot keeps me up. I start thinking of ending my life again. I figure why bother if every night I am going to be in pain. But the sad part is that my days are always better than my nights. During the day, I am hardly in any pain. Unless I stand too long or walk too much. Anything that will activate the tendonitis in my ankle will cause me pain. It sometimes can be the irritation caused by my sneakers. Pathetic I know.

How will I kill myself…many thoughts have run through my head about this. I sometimes think about it and then I am ok and won’t actually think to go through with it. The latest is throwing myself over my hall bannister with a rope around my neck but I am wicked afraid that the bannister won’t hold my weight and I will go crashing to the floor. That will not be good. The other idea I have to throw myself off the back of my porch but I am afraid that my nieces will find me and that is too scary for them. I have thought about pills but I would need a hotel room and I just can’t afford one right now.