Tag: suicidality

blog post 262

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been up since eight. I tried to go back to sleep but failed. Woke up again from a strange dream, which I have been having all week. I don’t know why that is. I have stopped taking my pain meds for the time being to see if that was making the weird dreams but it is not. I don’t know what is causing this. Might be my mood stabilizer. I remember going through a period of this when I first started it. It will phase out eventually but it is disturbing as hell.

I couldn’t write yesterday as I was exhausted and had another headache. So far I have been getting them the past three days at the exact same time. Another oddity. I took some migraine meds and that seemed to put it to a holt for now. We’ll know this afternoon if it comes back, I guess.

I have decided I won’t be going back to group therapy. It is just too stressful for me. The walking is too far and hurts me and after each session I want to kill myself.

I will be going to visual therapy starting next week. For some reason they called me last night to confirm my appointment. That is a week’s confirmation!

I should be getting Lincoln soon. I can’t wait to watch this movie again. It is such a great film.

I have decided, sort of, that I won’t be going out today. I need the rest because last week when I had back to back appointments, all I did was sleep all day Friday because I was in pain most of the night. I’d like to sleep today but I got therapy in about a half hour. And I have stuff I like to talk about while awake.

I think today I will work on my book for a little bit. I have some stuff to add that I have been thinking about. I also found a journal from 2006 that is helping to fill in the gaps a little bit. I forgot that I didn’t really keep a journal. See I would write my therapist letters and they became quite numerous so I started to keep the letters in journals as a way of me writing my thoughts and also to keep track of my therapy progress or regress. Some entries I was mad at her. Others I was tearful. It also documented my back injury in 2006 when I had to have surgery. That was important to me because I had blocked out a lot of what was going on while I was in a lot of pain and I seriously tried to down play it so that no one would now how bad I was hurting, and I was hurting bad. I remember I went to the supermarket to get some food and reached for a can of peas or something on the top shelf and that caused me such pain that I just left my things and went home. I had no idea that my back was in bad shape. Even the surgeon was asking how I could be standing and walking as the chunk of disc they took out was significantly large. I ended up getting the chunks from pathology and have them in my room as a reminder of what I don’t want to go through a third time.

question of interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Interest

I wondered today why I keep telling my therapist I am suicidal when I really want to kill myself. I know that she can stop me with a phone call for the white coats but it is more than that. Maybe I am afraid that if I am no longer suicidal to her, she will lose interest in me and find me a bore. I doubt this is true but I can’t help but feel this way. I also wonder why I am suicidal. I know I am depressed but you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I hate myself. I hate my life. But I mostly just hate myself because I am not who I am.

Then I think maybe I am just suicidal to keep my readers interested. I know that sounds silly. I am not an attention seeker. I really feel like killing myself at times but something always holds me back, from going through with my plan. Lately it has been trying to see if taking the different pills I am on in large doses will be effective in doing damage. I don’t know why I think these things. It just comes to me so automatic that I really have gotten out of touch with what I truly feel and can think about something other than killing myself. The coping strategies I know about I have not put into use, though distraction is my biggest coping skill I use. If I distract myself from killing myself, that is good. Usually music will do it or sometimes writing/journaling/blogging. I write my therapist letters about how I feel and send them to her. I don’t know if she reads them as I usually save them up and when a bunch accumulates, I then mail them. They can be the most depressing things she ever reads. But it helps distract from acting on killing myself. I feel that the interest I have in suicide is also a factor in why I want to kill myself.

Today my therapist and I were talking about lethality. I don’t think I am lethal in my suicidality where she thinks I am because it’s not like I am saying I am taking one aspirin and calling it an OD. I am saying I am thinking about taking the bottle. But then the feeling passes but the thoughts don’t. I don’t know if this is making sense. I have been up since 0600, with weird dreams a few hours before that waking me up every 90 mins, which is the standard dream cycle. I am waking up because the dreams are disturbing but I can’t recall them when I wake up. Even now I don’t remember what the dreams were about. I know one of them had me in my old house I grew up in. But that is all. Frustrating as hell because this has gone on the past three nights and I have been waking up early despite going to bed around midnight. It just sucks because being sleep deprived always gives me a migraine, like I have right now. I want to take a nap but I think that will just make my sleep even more disturbed. And the more my sleep is disturbed, the more suicidal and pain I get.

lack of sleep is a costly thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep but then it’s early for me. I have been thinking about all the nights I have not been able to sleep because of pain, because of worries, because of things that keep running through my head.

Tonight I feel suicidal but I am not going to act on it. I just don’t feel the lethality of my thoughts anymore though if given a chance to actually act on them I might do it. I just don’t care anymore. If I live, if I die. What difference does it make. I still will be doing the same thing tomorrow that I am doing today, nothing. I realized that because I don’t sit down, say in a chair, it has helped my leg get better. I don’t know how better as the pain is less but when I walk or have a long day, it will flair. Even on days when I don’t have long days or walk it will flair up. There is no rhyme or reason as to why this happens. But it bugs me. I need something to do because I am going out of my mind. I have MASH DVDs that I can watch but I don’t watch them. I have other programs I can watch but I don’t. I can clean my room but that just overwhelms me. I try to go out at least once a day but even that seems to be too much of a hassle for me. I am becoming a hermit and I don’t like it. I know tomorrow I will have to go out to pick up my prescription. I probably will get a soda as I have not had one in a few days. I might get a tonic water to avoid the calories of a soda as I am watching my weight. I also might mix this tonic water with some gin and have a drink. I love gin. It tastes so good but I can’t have too much or I will get sick.

I just tried stretching my legs. It felt good. I wish I could remember to do it every day. Maybe then they won’t be so tight. Right now it’s nine thirty in the evening and I am thinking of going to bed but it hold no good dreams for me. I dream about work or killing myself. And this saddens me. I hate trying to go to sleep. Unless I am severely exhausted, I will fight it till the end. No matter how many pills, I take to get to sleep it seems my body always fights it no matter what. It is so frustrating. My lovely Neurontin that I love to take to zone out no longer works for me, even at high doses. I used to be able to sleep a good twelve hours, now I’m lucky to sleep five. That is my interval, four hours maximum. Where I used to sleep till 10 am or later, I am now waking up between six and eight in the morning. I hate this. I need something that makes me sleep longer but I don’t know what to take to let me sleep. Maybe some benedryl. I don’t know…

And this is all if I don’t have pain keeping me up. If I have pain then I am not sleeping at all. I writher in agony until the pain meds bring me some relief. Then soon as they wear off I am in pain again it starts the cycle all over again. The doctors don’t get it. They see me at 2-3 in the afternoon when I am not at my worst pain and think I am doing ok or better than I was the month before and give me my pills and say have a nice month before coming back to tell them the same story of losing sleep because of pain. Pain that wakes me up. Pain that keeps me awake. They don’t care. I am the one paying the price and they don’t care. They think that 2-3 pills a day is an adequate dose to keep me from withering in agony but they don’t see the price it is costing me. Lack of sleep. Lack of ambition, lack of motivation to do things I normally do. I tell them all this and still all I get is lose weight and be more active. I’ll be more active when I am dead…

worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, writing

Just had chipoltle for lunch. Now I am enjoying my Isla Flores coffee from Starbucks. There are no seats at Starbucks so I am typing this is the noisy atmosphere of the Mexican restaurant. There are a lot of people talking over some kind of Spanish jam.

I had to get out of the house today as I was feeling cooped up. Today the coffee if better with a hint of chocolate that makes it takes like a mocha. I love Isla Flores.

I got some disturbing mail yesterday from my Long Term Disability (LTD). I am really upset about it and if it is for real and not some wrong development, I have to repay them. I don’t know how I am going to do this as I am already pushed to the limit with my finances. I have no other income other than my SSD. If I really do have to pay them back I can forget about school. There will be no “extra” now and I will be barely scraping by. I still plan on taking a summer class just to see how I do but I think that will make me want to take more classes. This just sucks.

And of course the first thought that popped into my mind when I got the letter was killing myself. If I were to just throw a rope over my neck and take a dive off the back porch, that will solve all my problems. I know It will cause others but at least I won’t owe the government, Sallie Mae, and now my LTD over $150,000 dollars! I need to win the lottery.

I hate Saturdays. It always reminded me that I needed to work. I would bust my ass getting to work every week just to clean up the mess day shift had left me. Whether it be the MPA or the outpatients there was always left over work to be done.

After waiting almost a half hour in the cold for the bus, I am wicked cold. I am now in my flannel pajamas and under my flannel blanket to try and warm up. The temp was in the thirties, though I swear with the wind, it was colder. Now I am in my room and it still feels cold. I have socks, long sleeves, flannel PJs, and I am still fucking cold. I would turn up the heat but that would mean leaving my cozy bed and I don’t want to.

I really wanted to go to school this summer. I still have the money for it but I am not sure it will be a wise decision to make given the debt that I am facing. Plus I don’t want it to turn to a tease because I know I won’t be able to take another class for a while. This is of course, if I am able to register online without difficulty. This class has pre-reqs so that is the only thing that will hold up my registration, but if I have to go down to the school, that will be cool too. I don’t know if a book(s) are required for this class. But it will be interesting. Oh I really want to say to hell with the consequences and take this class!!!!