Tag: therapy

cabin fever and psychoanalysis

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

I have been feeling cooped up as I have not gone out of the house, with the exception of picking up my prescriptions yesterday. That didn’t take too long, I might have been out of the house for at least thirty minutes or so, maybe less. Today I had no intention of going out but I have been stuck in my room because I really don’t want to eat all the food in the house. My appetite is crazy and I don’t know why that is. I know part of it has to be because of boredom. I am also alternating with eating and sleeping so I know the depression is still kicking around. But I need to get out of the house. The weatherman say a storm might hit tomorrow. He isn’t sure. Guess it depends on the currents and such. I hope it doesn’t as I really want to get out of the house tomorrow and have a jittery latte. I will be a bundle of nerves when I see my pdoc. That will be great! My not having coffee or caffeinated drinks is making me intolerant when I do have them.

I also have been craving alcohol, and not the rubbing kind. I have been having a drink here and there but now I seem to want it every day. I am really craving whiskey and I know it has to do with the increase in seeing my father more. He brings out the best in me. I tolerate him by drinking. Bad habit, I know, but I very rarely drink otherwise. And being stuck in the house is not helping the craving. I also want gin. I actually bought a whole bottle but only have had a sip of it. I like these drinks straight up, with no other liquid or juice, unless it’s other alcohol. Then it’s ok. I am not an alcoholic. I drink infrequently to be one. But when I do, it’s like the flood gates open. I drink until I get sick and then I stop drinking. I am a binge drinker, I will admit to that. I don’t know how I am going to handle dealing with my father’s illness and taking him to the doctors every couple of weeks for his blood test. I just want to drink. If I can’t kill myself, I will drink. I still owe my adoptive father a shot when he passed away. I will drink to his memory too.

Because I was bored out of my tree, I decided to pick up “the Savage God” and read where I left off. It was interesting reading this book when you are not so suicidal. Things actually make sense. Though the author was talking about Freud and his ideas of suicide and some other psychoanalyst I have never heard of, the concepts were valid in a weird way. Now I have not been in the psych field long enough to really give Freud his due. I did study psychology as an undergrad but it has been years since psych 101. I do actually plan on taking the course again so I can refresh my memory a bit. The author was also talking about the ego, superego, and Id. I forget which is which so I was just going by what the author was saying. And that is why I need to take this course again. I will break down and go to the community college down the street from me. I just hope I can enroll as a non-degree student. Or even take it as a, damn I forget the word. It’s when you take a class but you don’t receive credit for it. I know I will remember this at two in the morning. GGRRR.

The gist of what I am trying to say was that Freud had no clue about suicide anymore than anyone else. He used the term death instinct but there was really no basis for this as other people who followed him found out. So the big psychoanalyst couldn’t explain suicide like he could his other theories. I find that a little disturbing but I really want to read his work on melancholia. I am fascinated by Freud. I once read his book on humor. It was dry as all hell and at times difficult to follow but it showed the analytical side of why people crack jokes. It was very interesting. Course I have no idea where that book is today as I would love to re-read it. I think it is my only book about Freud. I hope to own his collections one day. Though I know there are not that many psychoanalysts in the world today. You are more likely to find an eclectic therapist than you are a traditional psychodynamic one. Though there are other modes of therapy. You have cognitive, cognitive behavioral, and then behavioral therapy. There are others, such as humanistic and something that begins with an “ex” that I always forget but they are not so much around here.

I have an eclectic therapist which means she doesn’t focus on any specific form of therapy but knows of the different kinds of therapy. It helps to have this type of therapist because you can talk more freely, I think anyways. And there is less therapeutic interference such as homework and such. Usually, I am bringing material to her more than she brings the material to me. And usually I give her the homework. HA how is that!

awful session with therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

It came! My World Series cap finally arrived today. I hope it would have lifted this awful mood I am in but it hasn’t.

I don’t know where to begin. I had an awful session with my therapist last night. She was asking what to do with her anxiety and how it could be put to rest. I said valium is the answer. She said that wouldn’t make me less suicidal. True but she could zone out about it. I am joking here. I know suicide is not a joking matter but this is my blog and I will say what I want. She talked about how her anxiety revolves around my safety and she just doesn’t think I am safe anymore so how can she simply ignore that when I keep talking about putting a rope around my neck. And that is not to accessorize. (ok, another bad joke.) I think she should consult with someone. I really think that SHE needs someone to talk to about my case. Maybe they could help her. I know you can’t go alone when you are dealing with someone and their suicidality. That goes for client and therapists. I will tell her this on Tuesday when I see her. Or just send her this blog so she reads it and maybe it sticks in her head a little bit better.

I don’t know why I am in such a rotten mood. I guess because I made my therapist cry and I feel bad about that. Another indication that we are too close. I so very badly want to cancel Tuesday’s appointment but I have no where to go that day. Monday I see my psychiatrist. I don’t know how much of this I am going to tell her. We (therapist and I) talked about the hospital but what good will it do me. They don’t have you talk about stuff when you are there. They make you fill out a distress tolerance bullshit form. Like that is really going to help in times of wanting to put a fist through the wall. I don’t feel like doing that. I do feel like finishing off my bottle of whiskey. What would it hurt? Except for writing more “truth serum” blogs? I guess I am feeling hurt because that is really the only time I want to drink. Listening to Lady Antebellum is helping. They have made some their song acoustic and it is really cool. I need music right now to right this wrong I feel that I have done.

No one in my family knows about this. I haven’t talked to anyone. I wrote a friend an email asking what do I do but I haven’t heard back from her yet. It might be a few days till I hear back from her. She is the slowest person to respond to email because she is so busy. So I wait.

Other than a blogger friend, I really have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. But I am just not in the mood for talking right now. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am supposed to go to her party in about four hours from now. I really don’t feel like it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and hide under the covers. I forgot to get her a birthday card but then I think that birthday cards are stupid. All anyone cares about is what is inside. They don’t care what the card says. And they are more expensive now than they were in the past. Some as much as four fricken dollars? For something someone glances at and then junks? Seems ridiculous to me and a waste of money.

I have eaten only small meals today. I am starting to get hungry but I don’t feel like eating. I hate that. I just don’t know what I want. I kind of want Pad Thai but I think I will get that Monday when I see my pdoc as the restaurant is around the corner and it is a late appointment. Even if I wanted to go into the hospital I can’t. Not until I see my PCP for my monthly pain check visit. He is another one that wants me to call him if I feel like acting on something. What is he really going to do I have no clue. Not like I am really going to call him anyways. I have a crazy, lunatic therapist and my pdoc to call first.

quick post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Today I got my new laptop back. It is all fixed up and I didn’t lose any data. All my settings were the same, except now I get a pop up of some kind of Dell monitor thing that I can’t seem to get rid of but goes away on its own. I won’t mess with it if it doesn’t mess with me.

I am getting close to reaching my 150 page goal by the 20th of this month. My writing friend suggests that I save it in six different places and then don’t touch it for a while before editing it. Then print it after I edit it. But the trouble is that I can’t edit on a computer screen, never have been able to. I need the old paper and red pen technique. So I plan on going to Staples or office depot to print it out for me as I think that will be cheaper than going to FedEx as I don’t have a working printer at home to do it.

I talked with my therapist today about what I was writing about the consultant. I don’t remember much about what we talked about so she was trying to help me remember.

I thought I would be able to write more today but I am just too tired. I took a lot of pain meds yesterday because I was in a great deal of pain and I think I am still hung over from it. Plus I have not had a chance to sleep late and I slept so horribly last night.

Rambling 45

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been trying to collect my thoughts to write this blog while listening to my “mood” playlist and keep getting distracted by the songs.

Last night I wrote my therapist a letter. I think I will write one for each day that she is gone. It is some thing that we do. I can’t explain it but sometimes something good comes from it. I have some deep thoughts or something that I want to talk about. Sometimes it is just a bitch letter because I don’t have someone to talk to about something that is going on. I have notice in my old journals, I would write with the beginning of a letter. Each entry started with her name Dear A. and the later journal entries start with Dear Bozo. I started calling her Bozo to piss her off and maybe she would dump me. Six years later, she still has me so it didn’t work. I still call her Bozo. Her middle name starts with a B anyway so rather than call her that name, I call her Bozo. I am such a prankster. I once got a sticky and placed Bozo on her sign in her office where A should have been. She had no clue for three days!! That was and still is hysterical.

I found a clinical paper last night going through my files so I posted it as a blog. It’s about schizoaffective disorder and I think I wrote it for one of my psych classes.

I had the BEST homemade iced coffee today. I am so JACKED right now on it. I am really feeling hyper from it. My brain neurons are firing left and right. I like it when I feel this way. I am able to get a lot of writing done. I am sure that I will probably crash in an hour but this is kind of fun. I already did my shopping. Now I am just waiting for the mail to come to see if my doc sent out the prescription for my pain meds. I have only a few to get me through the next few days.

I have been up since 0800. I woke up and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I don’t know why. But it gave me enough energy this morning to go food shopping. Tonight I will have PF chang’s general Chang. I love their food. I wish I could have gotten some of their appetizers but I had only so much money. I still have some money left over for my meds that I will need in the middle of the month. I know I am going to be hurting tonight because I had to go up and down the stairs to bring up my groceries. It was only a few bags and a couple gallons of water but still. The trips are going to cause havoc on me later.

I am so happy I made my coffee. I also got my donuts like I wanted. I was so craving a jelly donut. I got a ½ dozen rather than a dozen like I was thinking. I was disappointed they didn’t have powdered donuts.

I know the coffee is making me feel hyper and feel good. I don’t trust it. I know the demons will be back tonight when the sun goes down. And I will be in pain. I wish I could feel like this forever. Then I wouldn’t be thinking of killing myself every night.