Tag: writing

Chronic Pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

researchers have found a link between chronic pain and suicide.

that is something that I have known for sometime now as I am a chronic pain sufferer and have thought of killing myself numerous times to get rid of the pain. it is why sometime this year I plan on killing myself. it is not going to get better. I have a chronic pain condition and I really don’t care anymore. I will go through the motions of getting treatment knowing it is not a cure. just a bandaid and it hurts. But clinicians need to ask the question if they ever want to prevent suicide. I am a hopeless case. I have mental illness on top of chronic pain. it is worse with my condition. I feel like I can’t talk openly with my provider because then he tampers with my pain meds. I will not kill myself with my meds. I have other methods running through my head. but this article is interesting. I hope that people who read my blog that suffer from chronic pain do call the 800 number to talk to someone. I hope that it can work that way but I know that most people will not pick up the phone and call. I don’t know why that is. I know I have called but I am still where I am. I have found it helpful at times but sometimes I feel like they are just pretending to care when they really don’t. Just my experience. but that shouldn’t stop you from calling.

Needs and wants

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, suicide attempt

Every body needs somebody some times… These lyrics from Keith Urban describe how I feel today. Everyone has needs that have not been met and because of that they feel out of sorts. It could be disconnected from the world, feeling left out from a group, or even feeling unloved by those that love them the most. There is summary of the needs that Edwin Shneidman says are the core of suicidal thinking. I know I wrote about this in a previous blog called a little of this and that. But today I think I will write the needs in detail and what they mean.

ABATEMENT The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself

ACHIEVEMENT To accomplish something difficult; to overcome

AFFILIATION To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate

AGGRESSION To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack

AUTONOMY To be independent and free; to shake off restraint

COUNTERACTION To make up for loss by retrieving; get even

DEFENDANCE To vindicate the self against criticism or blame

DEFERENCE To admire and support, praise emulate a superior

DOMINANCE To control, influence, and direct others; dominate

EXHIBITION To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others

HARMAVOIDANCE To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death

INVIOLACY To protect the self and one’s psychological space

NURTURANCE To feed, help console, protect, nurture another

ORDER To achieve organization and order among things and ideas

PLAY To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake

REJECTION To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person

SENTIENCE To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience

SHAME-AVOIDANCE To avoid humiliation and embarrassment

SUCCORANCE To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved

UNDERSTANDING To know answers; to know the hows and whys

You be the judge of your own needs and how they play out in your suicidality. Then work on ways to improving them, if possible.

BASEBALL AND MUSIC

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

Well, I had a good blog going for you tonight but then in the middle of writing, I was bombarded with text messages about my Sox. A couple of players are on the DL so they have had to make some roster changes, the worse of it is that they called up Alfredo Aceves, the pitcher I hate the most because he SUCKS and has a nasty temper and is crazy.

It is going to be interesting tonight because they are playing a rookie on third base. I hope no balls go down that line tonight. Last night they had a brutal loss to the Indians, 12-3. I fell asleep when they were within one, when Big Papi aka David Ortiz hit a 3 run blast. I don’t know what happened after that. I had two beers before the game so I was drunk and sleepy to begin with.

I went out for the first time all week today. I had a different coffee than my usual, called 3 region blend. It seemed no different than the regular coffee they serve. Certainly nothing to write home about. Will I have it again? Yes. I like coffees that are mild and not strong or roasted. Cameroon was the darkest richest coffee I have had and never will have again because it was so strong. But then coming from Cameroon, I should have known better.

I edited some of my blogs when I got home. It took me a long while to figure out what to write and then I get the biggest distraction of the day. Two players on the disabled list (DL), one activated, another called down, and two players called up. I was going bananas. I didn’t know why one of the two players were on the DL because I didn’t see the game last night. I was listening to it on the radio and I fell asleep. I woke up after the game had ended an hour later. I am so mad at myself for missing the game but I was just so tired after having such an awful day yesterday. I was just emotionally and physically spent. Too bad I woke up with my second wind at two thirty in the morning. I was not happy. I did some stuff though, like finishing the letter I had started to my therapist and played my games. I have two now. Pioneer Trail (formerly known as Frontierville) and Candy Crush Saga. I NEVER should have downloaded that game to my phone to find out what it was about. It is a bejeweled type of game but instead of diamonds and rubies, you have different candies you have to match up in threes or fours or fives. But you have a certain task on the levels and it is hard as you are given five lives to start. I don’t know how to request lives and I really don’t want to learn how. The game already drives me crazy because it is not as easy as it seems. But then, the same can be said with Pioneer Trail. You get missions like every three days, even before you have completed the ones they sent you a few days ago. And it is frustrating because you need your neighbors to help you. If they don’t help you out, you are screwed. A lot of players have stopped playing because it is sometimes so time consuming waiting for people to give you the stuff when you have other missions to work on. But it gives me something to do as frustrating as it is. It is a good frustration, if that is possible.

I walked a good distance today. So far I am not in any pain. I walked maybe 1/8th of a mile today. I had to because I didn’t want to wait 45 mins for the next bus. I am hoping if I don’t have pain tonight, I will walk it, if I have the energy, every time I go to Davis Sq. That will be my walk for the day. I have to build up my stamina and walking this distance will be great. The nice thing about this is that the sidewalks are level and not bumpy like other sidewalks in the city I live in. I can walk without worrying if I am going to trip on an unlevel sidewalk cement or not. I still have to watch out for the cars while crossing the streets but other than that I had a good walk, despite the showers today.

After I heard about my Sox, I couldn’t listen to country anymore so went to Pearl Jam, Linkin Park, and Nickelback. While I was setting up my playlist, Rock, I noticed I have only one stinking album for Pearl Jam! What a sin! Now I have to find their CDs and burn them so I can have their tracks on my phone. But the most important songs, like Black, Even Flow, Jeremy, and Daughter on there so I will only have to burn Vitology and Rearview disc 2. I got to have my Pearl Jam when I am in a BAD disgruntled mood.

RAMBLINGS 38

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Listening to Buzzkill by Luke Bryan. Something about this song makes me think. I like the tune and melody of this song.

Been hurting the past few days. I took some pills last night, probably a little more than what I should have but I don’t care. I just took two Ativan and I am still waiting for it to make me crash. I just feel so awful inside it is not funny. I tried getting in touch with my therapist but she hasn’t called me back yet.

I want to go to the liquor store and get some beer. I have been looking forward to getting a new beer that tastes like lemonade. It is supposed to be really good. I think I would like that.

Another reason I am in a bad mood is that my bowels are going crazy. I have gone three times today and I feel like more on the way is going to happen. I just don’t want to go out and have an accident. SO I am stuck in the house once again. I have not taken a shower since Sunday. I keep telling myself today I will do it but not if I am shitting all the time. Make that four times and this time it was a race to the bathroom. Got to love CES. I so wanted to go out today but it just isn’t feasible. I hate it when my body strands me home.

I want to order Chinese food but my mother is making chicken wings tonight. I love her chicken wings. I will put a little hot sauce on mine as I want something a little spicy.

I got one more comment for my blog to reach 400. Maybe I will get one tonight. I really feel like I could pull the trigger and go crazy, take all my pills and see what happens. I am so close to that but it will take a long time to finish what I have and then I won’t have any for a month, which won’t be good. I still have to go to Walgreens to pick up a prescription there. I tweeted a direct message to their care center about their pepsi products in the 12 pk. They charge you sixty cents for the deposit but there is no deposit on the cans! I am so pissed that I am being charged for cans I cannot return. I have to place them in the recycle bin instead of getting money for it. Not that I drink a lot of soda or really care, but my mother cares. To her the nickel for the can means something to her.