Tag: writing

Do I

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Do I

“Do I” is a song by Luke Bryan, one of my favorite male artists. Every time I hear the song, I wonder if my therapist and I are still a good fit. I think we are as we have been together for so long, but I often wonder if I am too much for her to bear or that I am a burden to her.

I went to Starbucks for the first time in four weeks. All my baristas were gone from the Davis location. I was so bummed not to see familiar faces. I hope they were off that day or just on vacation. I will be super bummed if I have to deal with new people. I will go there tomorrow and see how they make a clover coffee. I won’t order their reserve, just the Pike. I seem to like that better than their regular iced coffee, probably because it is made fresh.

I am still feeling good. Today on Mental Health chat on Twitter, the discussion was bipolar disorder. I have been diagnosed with bipolar as I have had some hypomanic episodes. I have never been full blown manic. I had one episode while I was in the hospital. I was really jocular and upbeat. I was also really racy and despite taking Ativan regularly, it still didn’t alter my mood. This lasted until I took some pain meds and then I crashed, hard over this past weekend. It was fun while it lasted and I wish I still felt that great. I felt like nothing could touch me. Suicide was furthest from my mind and I felt like I was on top of the world, even though I was in a psych hospital. It was very strange. I was expecting to go down, but I wasn’t expecting to be “that” down. I was really tired and just needed to rest but I was too restless to actually sleep. I took a prn to calm down some and finally was able to get some rest. Everyone was telling me I looked tired and down. With my anticipated discharge on Monday, I was thinking that it was not going to happen. I really didn’t want to leave the hospital feeling the way I did this weekend. It was such a major depressive episode that I didn’t want to chance leaving the hospital and then acting on my thoughts. So I had to practically beg to stay one more day. My case manager asked me why I wanted to die. I told her to end the pain and the indignity that I was feeling with my disability. I really just wanted to say “are you fucking kidding me”? This hospitalization, I experienced everything I do when I am home. I crapped my pants, leaked urine, was suicidal more than a few times, and was overall, severely depressed. The hypomania was a godsend. I just wish it lasted longer than it did. But it never does and the longer it lasts, the worse my depression is. I think I had a total of 12 hours of it. Not long enough to do any financial damage or anything, but enough to let me know I was alive again, that something inside me wants to keep going no matter what the suicidal thoughts might be.

My writing partner has suggested that I write a book about coping as a suicide attempt survivor. I have been giving it some serious thought and I think I can write it. I don’t know if I am going to write it in blog form or book form yet. Depends on how much I can actually write. But a large part of what works for me is already out there but people don’t utilize it. For example, I gave the crisis response plan (see this blog about it) to one of the patients because it was less confusing than what the hospital was giving out about distress tolerance. The hospital uses DBT type of works, which is fine for some people but may not fit for everyone. And, who the fuck is going to look at a piece of paper when they are in crisis mode?? I know I am not. I have been there too many times. But I have found that the crisis response plan has been helpful to me since David Jobes uses it in his work with suicidal patients.

One of the mental health counselors was interested in my book and the SSF, Suicide Status Form (see my comparisons of psychological pain scales for more information). I wish I could publish it on my blog but it is not available in electronic form and I would be violating copyrights. I use this in my therapy when I am suicidal. It helps because it gives my therapists some way of knowing which areas are causing me to want to die. I think it would be wonderful to use in an inpatient stay but I don’t get to make those types of decisions. Anyway, this MHC and I were talking about it and it was so good to talk about clinical stuff with someone again rather than just stuff about me. It was like being back in academia again where exchanging ideas is so important for learning. I just wish my treatment team was on board with my ideas for my treatment than just saying that I have to stay away from suicide stuff. I told them that I can’t. It is apart of me like breathing. I am always thinking about what is best for me and I am always searching for an answer to end the suicidal thoughts. Just telling me to stop is not going to work. I read clinical stuff as well as blogs because I want to keep abreast of the latest research. Even though I am no longer a member of the AAS, I still keep up with the suicide research. I wish I could afford their membership but I am on such a fixed budget that I can’t. I also would love to have the archives of suicide research journal but again, I can’t afford membership. It totally sucks. I was hoping that the sales of my book would provide me with additional income but it hasn’t taken off the way that I wanted it to. I have not reached my goal of selling 100 books, though I am half way there. While I was in the hospital, I sold two books. Not my personal copies, just through Amazon. I did bring one with me to give away but I never did. I still have it. My book signing has not gone well. It brought extra income just to buy food and the essentials. The struggles of the writer. I just have to find the right audience to get my book sold.

I am planning on getting my book reviewed by the AAS (American Association of Suicidology). It will be sent out next week along with a book for my editor. I have been meaning to send it out but things always seemed to get in the way. I wasn’t planning on being in the hospital for so long. I really thought I was going to stay a few days and that would be it but they had other plans when I told them I was going to kill myself when I got out. Hospitals tend to frown upon that. I put them in a “bind”. Sorry, but that was how I was feeling. I really was in bad shape and all that I was feeling felt normal to me. Looking back, I see that I wasn’t as rational as I thought I was. I guess that small overdose was the wake up call for my outpatient treaters to put me in the hospital.

Voluntary admission

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Voluntary admission

I had a meeting with my therapist and a few phone calls to my pdoc today. They were not amused with my blog from yesterday. I was kind of hoping my pdoc didn’t read it but she did, and now I am fucked. Tomorrow morning I have to leave the house early to go in the hospital because that is when a bed will be available. I would have gone in today but there are no beds. So I get to spend another night staring at all my bottles, wondering which will do me in and which will only knock me out. I just texted my therapist to call me as it’s urgent. I really don’t know if I can keep myself safe one more night. Then I will be babysat for I don’t know how many days until I get released. Fun! I packed my backpack and it is very full. It doesn’t have my journal in it so I will need to pack that before going to bed tonight. I could have packed another bag but I want something that will be not so noticeable. I plan on leaving the house before my mother gets up so I don’t have to deal with her. I have not told anyone except two friends (and no blog world) that I am going to the hospital. I keep waiting for myself to “snap out of it” but it hasn’t happened yet.

Therapy today was fun. We went over my crisis response and I am supposed to write down alternatives to my thoughts of suicide. I don’t see anything because the damn constriction is making it so I only see one option, and that is death. I would page my psychiatrist right now and be like I don’t need to go in but I think it is a lost cause. She might send me to the ER if I don’t and I don’t want to spend a night in the ER.

I took a test run today to see what bus I have to take to get to the hospital tomorrow morning. I hope the shuttle bus isn’t crowded. I hate crowded public transportation. It gives me anxiety. I just realized that I didn’t pack any socks that I washed yesterday. I am an idiot!

I am hoping to go to the same unit I was on before. I don’t be able to blog like I do as it will be on phone. If I do blog from my phone, please excuse typos and grammatical errors. I might not catch them. Last time, I wrote a really long blog that I typed up after I got discharged to talk about my experience. I might not do it this time because it was an ordeal. I had several pages to type up and handwriting to decipher. So if I go a day or two without blogging, know that I am in the hospital and can’t right now. I would love to take my laptop but I am too afraid of it getting stolen or worse, dropped. I still haven’t decided which pants to wear tomorrow. I hate deciding what clothes to wear and what is deemed safe.

I severely chopped my eyebrows off today. Yesterday there was one hair that was out of whack and instead of plucking it with tweezers, I decided to use my hair clipper. Bye-bye eyebrow. Today I decided to do the same to my other one. I don’t know which looks worse on me. But I kind of like them being this short. I have bushy hairbrows so the trim, although not even, is ideal.

I really hope that I can be safe tonight. My therapist hasn’t called me yet. I just want to say fuck it and do something. But I don’t think that will go over too well with anybody, including myself. I still am wondering how to play it out in the hospital. If I make myself too unsafe, I probably won’t get my cords to charge my phone and I NEED my phone. I will be there a minimum of 7 days. But I am really freaking out on my therapist being on vacation the following week and be being out in the world. It scares me. They could discharge me anyways, they don’t care if you are suicidal and have plans to end your life. I just am so tired of fighting all the time. I really don’t think me threatening to kill myself when I get discharged will be a good idea. That might keep me there longer, which I kind of am hoping for. I just hope that the fire alarms don’t go off while I’m there. It’s an old building and last time, just steam would set them off. It was horrible! Everything is just so sensitive when you are on a psych unit.

Diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Diagnosis

Today I finally learned my diagnosis because my pdoc ordered some blood work to make sure I didn’t mess up my kidneys or liver with the OD the other night. I am bipolar I, currently depressed, severe, without no mention of psychotic behavior. That is a mouthful.

My pdoc wanted very badly to hospitalize me today. She wanted me to “push” her to do it and it wouldn’t have taken much to do. But I told her I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I fought her on it and I am to keep in contact with her the next few days. She is on vacation next week and I don’t see her until the 22nd of Aug. My therapist is on vacation starting Aug 11th. I would most likely be admitted for the whole month of August and I don’t like that. I might go in after I get my narcs for the month from my PCP. I can’t miss that appointment or it screws up the schedule. And the last time I was admitted, he took it as I was going to overdose on my narcs and it just was a mess. I had to pay extra because he only gave me a two week supply. I don’t have the money to be paying double.

I half want to email my doc and tell her I still want to smash my head in with a 20lb hammer. But that might section me as I am already walking a fine line right now. She didn’t kill me like I thought she would but she is very concerned about my welfare. The most she could do was force me to get blood work and an EKG. I hated having both done. But it was better getting them done as an outpatient than as an ER visitor.

Right now I am so conflicted. I want to go in the hospital but I am fearful that the demons will come out like they did in this crazy dream I was having about the hospital. I kept telling them I was going to kill myself when I got out, just watch and because I didn’t have follow up care, they kept me. This went on for weeks, least it did in the dream. I know that if I let myself go, I will hold nothing back. It will actually be interesting to see if they discharge me when I tell them I am going to kill myself. But I don’t think I want to find out. I do know that if I don’t have follow up within a week of being out, they might not discharge me.

But the 20lb hammer thing, it is starting to become obsessive thoughts. I still haven’t figured out how to swing the rope so that it hit me just right. But I keep thinking about it. Or maybe get it square in the forehead and hope it does enough damage. Thing is, I don’t know if I will defend against it. My reflexes are good, I think, so if something is coming at me, I will duck out of the way, which will defeat the whole purpose.

My therapist doesn’t know about this idea either. We haven’t had time to talk about it because she keep doing the SSF (Suicide Status Form) on me to assess how I am doing. That was the other thing my pdoc was asking about, how to keep me safe and what plans are in place so that I don’t do what I did on Saturday again. She knows it will take very little for me to harm myself with the meds that I am on. But both my pdoc and therapist knows I am both careful and smart with my meds. But with my therapist tracking my suicidality, my pdoc felt a little better. Otherwise, I think I would be sitting in the ER waiting for a bed someplace.

I feel really shitty. My bowels are fucked up and I don’t think there is enough senna in the world right now to set them straight. I still feel sleepy most of the time. Exhaustion will just wash over me. I think I am still under the meds hangover. So I think I will skip tonight’s dose too. I will just take an Ativan plus my other meds to sleep. Hopefully, the stupid abilify doesn’t send me into hyper mode. It didn’t last night, I think because I was still harboring some of the mood stabilizer in my system. I slept pretty good, got at least six hours straight, which was better than the night I OD’d. I think my pain meds helped because I was really having zaps and exploding pain going through my foot last night. It literally felt like someone was trying to rip off my big toe and smash it with a hammer. Not a pleasant type of feeling.

I still haven’t gotten around to changing my sheets. I keep saying tomorrow and it never happens. I need to wash my comforter, too. I wish I had the energy to do it.

HOF and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

HOF and other stuff

Today was the induction of several players into the Baseball Hall Of Fame (HOF). Greg Maddux and Joe Torre were among the men being honored. I totally respect Joe Torre because he always has class around baseball and totally respects the game. Although I am a Red Sox fan, I still respect the guy all the years he managed the Yankees. I hope that he becomes the next commissioner of baseball. That will really be good.

I overdosed last night. I kept taking my mood stabilizer until I felt it was enough. Today I am sick and have an awful headache. I researched what the symptoms were of an overdose before I did it and seeing as no one died from it, I figured being sleepy and feeling hungover were okay. My therapist and psychiatrist may not think so, but I am feeling better psychologically. I got the “fuck its” out of my system. Question now becomes do I tell my pdoc what I have done. I have texted my therapist all weekend so she knows what is going on. I am trying to get an appointment with her tomorrow to talk things over. But I don’t know if she still has the time open.

I have been sleeping most of the day and feel the need to lie down every so often. My eyes are kind of dilated so I have been staying in my room so no one notices. I made myself something to eat so my appetite has not been affected. I wish I could say the same for my bowels. They have been hurting me all day. I don’t know if that means that I have to go or not but it’s driving me crazy. I know I haven’t gone in the last few days so tonight I will take a laxative to try and get things moving. I hate feeling uncomfortable. Constipation is a side effect of the meds, not only of what I took, but with the other meds I take.

Despite taking large amounts of the meds, I didn’t sleep very well. Every three hours I was up. It made for a shitty night sleeping. I wasn’t sick when I woke up. I just took more meds to go back to sleep. I knew I wasn’t going to die from what I was taking. I just wanted an escape and it gave me that. It made me forget how I was feeling, least for a little while.

I still am thinking of going in the hospital tomorrow. But I don’t really think it is warranted as I am feeling better. But I will discuss this with my pdoc tomorrow when I contact her. I won’t be telling her what I did or I will be admitted, most likely involuntarily. Thing is I don’t know what to tell her. I sent her a message and I haven’t heard back from her but then she may not check her messages over the weekend. The midnight demons were out Friday night. I basically told her that if something were to happen to me, she wasn’t to blame and she wasn’t a failure. I just ended the message at that. This was before I OD’d.

I so need a cup of coffee. I think that will make my headache go away but it’s too late now for a cup as I will be up all night. I will make it tomorrow morning, that is, if I don’t go out first. I would like to go to Starbucks tomorrow and get a cup. I wish they had my Kati Kati brand. But they are out of it. I could order it, but I don’t have the funds to do so. And I really don’t need another coffee to keep me in the house. I bought their Breakfast blend coffee and when I make it, I don’t leave the house. I have been in the house all weekend. Doesn’t help me when I am so depressed. I am not saying that the overdose cured me of being suicidal but the thoughts have been less since doing it, least the impulsivity of acting on my thoughts. I still want to die but it is less intense than it was on Friday. I still wish I could figure out a gizmo that can swing a 20 lb hammer to smash my skull. My only fear is just knocking me out and surviving. Then I will be stuck with traumatic brain injury which won’t be fun.

I washed my socks today, in preparation for going in the hospital as I don’t have any clean pairs. I doubt I will wear more than one pair as I usually walk around the floor with my slipper socks or slippers. I don’t wear street clothes, though I think you are supposed to. I like wearing my PJs all day. I still am conflicted about going in or not. I know that if I say that I overdosed that will be an automatic admission. But the problem will be that they may take me off the drug and that will be disastrous to me. I don’t plan on overdosing on it but the idiot docs don’t want to take that chance again. I don’t know how I will overdose in the hospital as the nurse watches you take your meds and knows when you don’t take them. Plus the med is a horse pill so trying to sneak it off will be very difficult. It just will be easier if they don’t know what I did. Besides, saying that I will overdose on benedryl is always my back up.