Tag: writing

just a person interested in writing stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, writing

I am writing earlier than I usually do because I got hit with pain and I am not sure what is going to happen later tonight. I might be too groggy from pain meds to write.

I’m listening to the same 228 song playlist of country music that I have been listening to for the past few months, if not the past year. It helps to listen to the mix because although I have a lot of country music, I also have Daughtry, Goyte, and Train mixed in. Just recently, I added Martina McBride because I miss hearing her voice. She has some really good songs.

I got an email from a friend of mine today. She complimented me on one of my blogs she saw on Linkin. I don’t know what blog it is as I don’t usually put my blogs on that sight. I think it was the Darkness Short Story but I am not sure. I remember “sharing” a post but I just can’t remember which one it is. It frustrates me when I can’t remember. Anyways, I replied asking if she could let me know what blog it was as I have no clue. I also answered a few questions that she had. She wanted to have a meet up and I think that would be fantastic. It has been a few years since I last saw her. I hope we can meet up, but after my book so I can sign copies.

Still no word from the editor. I am becoming more and more anxious as I wait, patiently, for word that she is working on my book. I have been waiting four months so a few more days should cause me fretfulness. I don’t think I can breathe until this project is done. I have tried working on other things to keep my mind off it, but it has been for naught. Even reading has eluded me. I can’t get into the book I am reading and I used to love reading. Or I do read and I find myself “editing”. I never was this way before. I just want this book to be out and then I will deal with the consequences. I know it isn’t going to be in the New York Times best list or even the Boston Globe, and I am not expecting it to. I just want this process to end and to be done with the waiting. I will feel so much better once this person reads it, gives me suggestions/edits so I can load the thing on to the format template and go from there.

Because of March Madness, a local radio station is having a similar “bracket” except instead of basketball, it is the battle of the bands. I foolishly signed up for notifications so I can vote, not realizing they are posting like every fricken fifteen minutes! In every post, they also want you to go to their website to vote there as well so you can win $1000 (USD). I never win anything so I am not signing up. I spent my last two dollars on a scratch ticket hoping I would win something, and I lost.

My writer friend sent me something on suicide attempt studies last night. She thought I might be able to write about it in my blog. But unless I feel strongly about the article, I don’t really write about it. Most of it is just a “DUH” experience for me anyways. But this week’s SPRC (Suicide Prevention Resource Center) had a call for papers. I might enter one of my papers in the journal they are asking for, though my paper is kind of short by about 3,000 words. I don’t know if they will accept it. And I don’t know if you have to be in academia to enter. I don’t hold a faculty position nor am I a researcher at a facility. I am just a person interested in writing stuff. I might try it, just to see if it gets accepted.

Fears about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Fears about my book

I thought I would write about the fears I have about my soon to be published book. The editor finally got back to me and I am next in line. I am hoping this means a few days. I am so nervous it’s not funny. I know the book is good and just needs some tweaking.

The fears I have for my book is the reaction my family will have when they read it. I didn’t go postal in the book about them but it is more like “how can you write that” type of thing or “why didn’t you tell me”. I am very fearful that word is going to get back to my mother about my transgender issues and that is not making me feel any better about myself. I don’t know what I will do if she does my ultimate fear and kick me out of the house. I am hoping the financial security I bring in is enough to stop her from doing this. But you never know.

Another fear I have is that my book won’t be well received and I will get hate reviews or people will think I am a freak. This in turn might cause me to wish I was dead and make me again think suicide is my only way out. Dealing with my identity has been a struggle all my life. Any type of rejection and I am bound to think about suicide.

Another fear I have is that the book won’t sell at all, just a handful of copies. I know that is unlikely as I am estimating at least fifty in the first month of its release. I know people in my support groups are going to buy my book so that is some consolation. Then I have the opposite fear, that the book will do really well and I am taken off disability because I made too much money. Again, my estimates are no where near the max and I am going to go slow in releasing the book. But I don’t know if Amazon does its own advertising or promotion. It would be great if my eBook is like 0.99 cents. But overall, I really have no idea how my book is going to be priced. I am estimating it to be $15 USD. It could be more or less than that. I just don’t know. It will be the final stages I am guess I find out, when I am close to hitting the publish button.

Another fear I have is about formatting. I did a dry run and found that I had several errors. Fun to find that out now. But I don’t know how to tweak it when my editor is done or if she will help me with this stuff. I haven’t asked her yet. If she says no, I am left on my own. I figured out how to get it to be “clean” text to place in the format template. But I don’t know how the real thing is going to look like. I think you can get a sample copy, which I am definitely going to do before mass production of the book. I think that will be good so I can make changes. I think this process will slow down my publishing date of the first week in April but who knows, the editor and I could still be working on it for that length of time.

Well I guess that are all the fears that I have.

Pink Rectangular Pill

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

It begins with the shakes. The creepy crawly feeling that you hate. You are not shaking but it feels like you are. All the side effects of the one pill that keeps you sane. Small price to pay for if I miss a dose or don’t take it, I end up in the hospital because the psychosis strikes with a vengeance. The voices have gotten worse as I get older. Luckily, there is something I can take to stop the quivering and restlessness that I feel. But I have to wait till it takes effect thirty or so minutes after I take it. Thirty minutes is a long time when you are feeling like you are crawling in your skin. It drives you crazy. Sad part is that I am not even tired despite today being a long day for me. I watched a movie for the first time in months and actually had the attention span to watch it beginning to end.

The small pink rectangular pill. That is all that makes me sane and crazy at the same time. And it sucks being like this, this crawling in your skin type of feeling. I rather deal with the elastic ball type of feeling where I am being stretched out. That is more tolerable. But I can’t pick which side effect I want. I rather have none but, like I said, it’s a small price to pay. And as long as this isn’t permanent, I am good. I think tonight it started when I noticed the increased in saliva production. I have been drooling a little bit for a while but it stopped too, for a bit. This is the stuff I go through that no one really knows about except for my therapist and psychiatrist. No one else really understands when I say I feel like a rubber ball being stretched out. That I feel like I can’t stand being in my own skin. I have not felt this way in sometime. But then I also have been lax in taking my other white pill to counter act these side effects. I only take them when I need them so if I am not having side effects or feeling symptoms of PTSD, I don’t take it. My doctor trusts me with this judgment. She is not a pill pusher like some docs are. We have a good relationship.

When I feel this way, I can’t help but think bad thoughts. Thoughts that are self destructive. Thoughts of how I wish to be dead. Thoughts that if I only had killed myself before now I wouldn’t be going through this. I still don’t know what my purpose is in my life. It’s not like I am an aspiring country singer. I just am struggling with mental illness. And that is a battle I don’t wish upon no one. It is difficult dealing with these thoughts and feelings when you feel so crummy. It makes the world seem dark and gray. But then my world is dark and gray even on a bright sunny day. It’s hard to see anything else when you have a black cloud trailing you all the time. But that is what depression is. Only dark gray skies can be seen. And within this darkness there is no hope. That is the toughest part of this illness is feeling hopeless all the time. You try not to let it get to you but it sinks into your veins and you have no choice but to accept that things are never going to change. Sure you might be happy that one day but it never lasts. Too bad that pink pill can’t help with that.

Alka-Selzer and therapists

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I nearly just had a heart attack…not a real one just an OMFG YOU GOT TO BE F*N KIDDING ME one. I started word and instead of it loading right away, I got an install thingy, meaning it had to reinstall itself. HUH?? I know I uninstalled office 2013 earlier in the day, but that should not affect 2010, should it? Well, crisis averted because it seems to be working.

I have had a rough day. I again spent most of my session talking to my therapist about writing. Apparently she thinks I should be working on another book, like now. My first one hasn’t even been edited or published and she wants me working on another. Well, that’s a NO. I don’t think she gets that I am not a writer. Sure, I blog and I think I am good at that, but I am not a writer per se. Anyway, all this stress about writing books is making me want to drink. I would actually drink but my stomach is doing flip flops after the burger I had for lunch and my head is spinning because I haven’t worn my glasses for a couple of hours. HELLO Alka-selzer. Because isn’t that what you take when you have a headache and stomachache? I actually like drinking it. It is fizzy and usually tastes good. And it works fairly quickly.

Tomorrow I get to deal with my father. Got to take him for his blood work. I called him today and he was a little irate. Tough shit. I know if I was him, I would opt for a different medication but unfortunately he is (well, will be) 82 and has liver problems so it is kind of limiting what meds he can be on. So I have the aggravation of dealing with him every week for his blood test, unless I hear back otherwise. Did I mention I hate my parents this week?

I usually don’t deal with them on a regular basis. But since I have been getting up early, before 9 am, I have been dealing with my mother. She hasn’t learned that don’t talk to me before I am fully awake yet. So when she tries to have conversation with me that early, I am usually in a pissy mood. I am not a morning person. Today wasn’t so bad because I was actually really awake when I woke up from another weird fricken dream. I don’t remember it but think it had something to do with farms. I made coffee today that was a little stronger than the cup I made the other day. It was good but unfortunately, once I brought it to my room, aka freezer, it got cold really fast and I couldn’t finish drinking it. I had half a cup and that seemed to do it’s magic. It got me working on one of the manuscripts that I have been crafting…and I found that I repeated myself multiple times. UGH. Each time, I worded it differently so that made editing soooo much easier, NOT. I talked about it in therapy. Wrong thing to be talking about. She didn’t understand my dilemma. It didn’t piss me off but it just annoyed me because we were again talking about writing, rather than other stuff.

I don’t know what exactly I wanted to talk about today so I just let her lead me to what she wanted to talk about than what I wanted to talk about. We also discussed writing a book about my therapist experiences. That would be one interesting book. I have had 12 therapists over the course of a ten year span. She is number 12, and she almost wasn’t. After number 11 left me, I wasn’t sure I was going to go back to therapy. I was tired of therapists leaving me. Granted not all 12 left me. A couple I fired, but the majority moved on from their practice and so left me behind. It hurt every time. And that is a big hurt when you are trying to let someone in, you do, and then they leave. Moving on is harder because it just closes you up more. Today, my therapist can’t imagine her life without me in it. And I can’t imagine my life without her, though there are times I wish I could sever the connection. But after 13 years of dealing with her, I think she is a permanent fungus. There is no cure for her.