Tag: writing

In a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

In a foul mood

I woke up early yet again today. It seems that I am not destined to sleep past six in the morning anymore. I woke up with cramps in my foot so took some muscle relaxers. I was not happy. I am now cold and just so angry for some reason.

I played my game and now I think I am going to take a nap. Foot is being a bastard so I might as well pop some pain pills to make sure it doesn’t get worse. I am just so annoyed. For the first time in months I am thinking about dying again. I am not suicidal, just thinking about what it would be like if I were dead. I know I am headed toward the abyss. I have been trying to stave it off as long as possible. I had a good night last night with my Patriots winning their game. Now I just want to sleep. With any luck, maybe I just won’t wake up.

just some words on a screen

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Been up since six this morning. I didn’t wake up in pain, though the pain started about twenty minutes after I was some what awake. I felt energy and my brain was awake so I worked on my second book for a little bit. I wrote a few pages until I ran out of what to say. I then fell back to sleep because by then the pain meds had kicked in. I had the weirdest dream when I woke up a few hours later. I dreamt I was over a Facebook friend’s house and we were playing games because she was looking for something to do. I hardly know this person as she is the daughter of one of my friends. I might have met her twice in real life. That was why the dream felt so strange. I will blame it on the pain meds.

I made some breakfast and then played my game. In no time I was out of rewards and that pisses me off because then I can’t get the stuff that I need from other people. I usually get the stuff from my other account but I just didn’t feel like make a bunch of requests and then logging in the account to get them. It is very time consuming. Not that I had anything to do or something. It just gets mundane after a while.

I then went to get my prescription at the super Stop and Shop and was floored when my prescription was more than it usually is. They raised the price of it by twenty dollars. I didn’t have the money but the pharmacist was kind enough to give me a few pills till my next check comes in. I had to sign up for their savings program in exchange for it so it still is going to cost me money in the end. I might as well go through my insurance, but then I am not going to have it for that much longer. I have decided that I am going to go on the state plan. I think it will be better for me because my cousin, who is on the same medicine as me, pays less for it than I do on my plan. He only pays like ten dollars and I have to pay thirty for mine. And this is just for ONE prescription! I have like seven different pills that I take on a regular basis so it adds up. He takes about the same and his total cost is like twenty dollars. My cost is way more than that. It drives me crazy. He also pays for his insurance but it is less than mine. I just really have to find out if my primary doc takes state insurance. If he doesn’t, I will have to keep it until they kick me off it and I have no choice but to switch. I am really worried about it. As it was, I got so wracked up (mostly due to the coffee I drank), I got the shakes and thought instantly of killing myself. I just hate it when I am this broke. Every month I have to pay at least seventy dollars for my pills. It kills me but I have to be on them or I go nuts. This pill that went up was my blood pressure medicine. I have been on it for a while so I don’t want to stop taking it. I get really bad migraines and of course my blood pressure goes up when I do stop taking it. I think the high blood pressure causes the migraines because since my BP has been normalized, I don’t get migraines that often anymore. I still get them but they are infrequent.

I also have been in a weepy mood today. My sisters were talking and for some strange reason I just felt like bawling my eyes out. It might have had a little something to what we were talking about but, man, I have never cried in front of my sisters and mother ever. I don’t know why I was so emotional and I better not be getting my damn menses again. I will really become suicidal again if that happens. Either that, or I am going into early menopause or something. I was wicked sweaty while we were talking. My shirt became soaked with sweat as I was holding back the tears. I just became really hot all of a sudden.

I keep thinking that if only I could get my book out there I will be set financially, least for a little while. But I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I am still so scared with this book. I am afraid that it won’t sell. I am afraid of bad reviews. I am afraid of what people will think of me after they read it. I am afraid of it being too successful and giving me false hope. I don’t know if any of these fears has any merit. Maybe every writer has these fears. I don’t know. I never got this far along in my writing to actually write a book let alone actually do it. I have the manuscript in my hands so I know it isn’t just some words on a screen. I am also hoping this is the break in my life that I have been looking for. I am not expecting it to go beyond Amazon.com but if it does then I will be grateful.

While I was going through the publishing process, I realized I still need a blurb about the book. I think I wrote it when I was writing to Dr. Michel. I just have to fine tune it some more so it’s at least more than three sentences.

Today is…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Today is…

Today my high school friend is being laid to rest as her son watches idly by. I went to the wake yesterday to pay my respects and to say goodbye. No one knew who I was but that was ok. I had hoped to see some former classmates but I guess I was too early for them. I didn’t cry as it was a closed casket. Seeing her would have made it more real. I hope that she is no longer suffering and that she is at peace. After paying my respects, I left. It was good timing as I was tired from walking down several blocks to the funeral home and the bus came a few minutes after I left. I didn’t have to stand and wait too long. The reception line was long and I had to stand for more than twenty minutes. It took it’s toll on me but it was worth it.

Today is my therapist and I thirteenth year anniversary. I won’t write a “back to history blog” like I did for my niece. I don’t remember most of what we talked about this week let alone thirteen years. It has been a long thirteen years but I wouldn’t have chosen any other therapist to help me along the way.

Today is also my mother’s birthday. I feel bad because I normally get her some flowers on her birthday and then an idea struck of getting her a sub from her favorite sub shop. That scored me points. LOL. Granted the sub isn’t as pretty as flowers but she was happy just the same.

Depression as struck me hard this week. It happened Monday night while I was in severe pain. It hasn’t let up since. I woke up in pain this morning, which is always “lovely”. It’s more like a cramp that won’t go away. I hate it. Dealing with the pain and depression together is very challenging. The depression just swooped in on me because god forbid the lucky feeling that I was feeling on Monday should last. God forbid if I should have any positive feelings. That is why when I do, I don’t trust them to stay around. I might not be in a pit of depression but I’m close to it. I’m hoping it’s just the grief of the loss of my friend but I was down before I found out she passed away. But at least I am writing again. There were two days this week I didn’t write or blog at all. It was the first time in more than a year that I skipped a blog post for two consecutive days. I just didn’t care. I had no motivation to get out of bed let along write. Usually I force myself to write something everyday as it helps me but I was too exhausted, mentally, to do that. I just said the hell with it. Nothing was coming to me anyways. It would have been painful to pull something out and I hate it when that happens. How is it painful? It’s like trying to pull out a tooth with no anesthesia. To force myself would have hurt me. I hate writing under that type of pressure. I want my writing to be free flowing, not forced.

I wish I could have that feeling back, that feeling of being lucky and happy. It seems so fleeing now. I can barely remember what it was like. I know that I felt good. Seems like every time I have a good day it’s always followed by depression. At least the depression isn’t the “walk in the mud” type. It’s more of a sleep type where I don’t want to get out of bed and all I want to do is sleep. Trouble is that the sleep isn’t restful. It just makes me more tired and useless. Like everything else I do, it takes so much effort and energy to do something. I’m not going to get my coffee today. I really need to rest my ankle today. When I went out to get my mother her sub, I can feel that it didn’t like me walking, even with the AFO on. The AFO is an ankle/foot orthotic that makes me walk correctly. If I had gotten it way back when, I might not have been on the road to disability. Course the way things are now, I doubt I would still be on the road to being an author if I was still working. Those are the “what ifs”.

My pain seems to have lessened since early this morning. As usual, I am wicked exhausted. Pain just takes a lot out of you and you don’t even realize it until it is gone, or at least simmered down. I really want to take a nap but am afraid that I will be up all night if I do.

Ankle Chronicles 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, medical, physical pain

Ankle Chronicles 5

I overdid things today, big time. My foot has been throbbing since I came home at two. I knew after I went downstairs to get the mail it would be the last trip I would make for the day as my ankle just said a big fuck you. I am feeling out of sorts and just maybe going a little nuts as I keep thinking my foot is talking to me. It is really angry at me and I keep wondering why the hell didn’t I sit down more today while waiting for the stupid bus. I had a half hour to kill. I was bored. So I walked to the meat market thinking I would get some steak tips for dinner but they were really expensive. It’s just my mother and I. I don’t need like fifteen pounds of tips. That was all they had and they were like twenty bucks. I suppose I could have frozen them now that I think about it. But I knew I would forget about them and I would be the only one to eat them as my mother doesn’t like steak anymore.

I have been writing in my journal about how angry my foot is at me and I keep thinking why. I know it is because I stood for a long time, but I am wondering why I had to have nerve damage in this foot. Compared to my right, it’s like it is louder than my right. I hardly notice that I feel my foot. My left is constantly screaming hello, I am here!! But that is it. I can’t talk back to it. I can’t tell it to shut up. I can’t tell it to go shove off. At times, I feel like it isn’t my own, that it belongs to someone else. I am not feeling that way now. I just want it to stop throbbing and burning. From my ankle bone down to my toes is a constant, heated throb. And I don’t mean heated as in upset. I mean heat as in hot fire. My ankle and foot feel like it is on fire. It’s not, I can assure you but it just feels like it is. I so want to take some Neurontin tonight and I might. Now the stabbing pains start. Someone is stabbing me with a knife in between the bones on the top of my foot. I can’t breath. The pain is really bad. I can’t move my toes anymore and that has set off some PTSD symptoms for me so I am in a hypervigilant state. I need to take some Ativan to calm me down. I would take some more pain meds but it’s too early. I just took my last dose about three hours ago. I am supposed to take the pills every six hours. I might be passed out from the pain but that is unlikely to happen with my anxiety being high. I have been listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter the past few hours to try and keep my mood even keel. I need to take something but I don’t know what to take. I am so distraught and the hopelessness has started to fill my soul. I need sleep. I need something to distract me from this pain.

I remember what my life was like before pain hit me. I was an active person. I was working. Now I have just become this hobbled person. I just can’t stand it. Every night it is the same thing. Every day I have to put my foot out of the blankets only to put them back in a little while later. No matter what I do there is no pleasing it anymore. I can’t even ice it because it just makes it very cold and screws up the nerve pain even more. I wish it was a clear case of CRPS but no, it’s got to be half a fricken case. A mild case. Or maybe not a case at all. Maybe this pain is all in my fricken head and I am crazy. I just know that I want to stop hurting. I want to be able to do stuff for more than a few minutes. I want to be able to walk without restraint. But that isn’t going to happen anymore. Hasn’t happen in three years and every time I push myself to go farther, it always backfires. Which sucks because the depression is lifting and I have all kinds of energy but no place to put it. I feel like such an imbecile.

Fuck it, I am taking my meds early. To hell with the consequences. I am in deep and serious pain that is driving me fucking nuts and I don’t care anymore.