Tag: writing

rambling 58

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Literally spent the day in bed. I was so tired that I couldn’t be bothered getting out. I woke up with pain again, took my pain meds, and it was lights out. My mother woke me up to say dinner was ready and I just had it now. I hate it when I have days like today where all I want to do is stay and bed and do it. Tomorrow I have to get some editing done as I didn’t get any done today. I didn’t even so much as read. I played on the computer for a little while this morning after having breakfast and then it was lights out. I hope this doesn’t disrupt my sleeping pattern. I was really getting some sleep with me adding the remeron to my regimen. If I am able to get some good sleep tonight, I will ask my pdoc to write a script for it so I can get some decent sleep. I find that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night like I did without taking it.

My biggest thing that I had to do today was take a shower, which I still have not done yet. Last time I showered was I think Sunday. So yes, I am pretty gross right now and smell so rosey, not. I was trying to see if my family members would notice if I didn’t shower or anything and no one did. I wasn’t expecting them to.

I started to re-read Touched with Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison. I finally found the entry I have been looking for regarding Edgar Allan Poe’s letter. I have it practically memorized. It is a good account of what it is like living with a torturous depression such as lucky me, I have. And what makes me all the more special is there isn’t a medication I can take to control all the symptoms. It sucks. I don’t know why I bother taking my mood stabilizer sometimes because I still feel like shit. But I know that if I am feeling like shit now and I stop taking it, I am going to be beyond shit.

One of the other books that I dug out from my stash was Paul Quinnet’s book Suicide the Forever Decision. I have not read that book in years. I have to say it is one of the well known books and it is free online in PDF form if you want it here. When I met him last year at the AAS conference, BOY is he fricken tall. I am like 5 feet tall. He is like at least 6 feet 2 inches. The picture that someone took for me is unreal. It looks like I am next to a giant. If I was good with media, I would place the pic in this blog but I don’t know how to do that. Anyways, when I was talking with him, he was trying to get the book on kindle for free. It’s not yet, but it is a low $2.99 (USD). But go on the website and get yourself a free copy of it. I printed it out and have it in a binder because I forgot where my copy was. It’s not the original that I had because the spine is fairly new. My copy would have been a dead spine. I have read that book so often. It really helped me when I was a teenager and it still helps me today.

You can say that I didn’t have time for suicidal thoughts today. I was too sleepy and drugged to be suicidal. I wish my pain was gone so that I didn’t have to think about what lies ahead for me with it.

The next few months are going to be hard for me financially. I am going to try and save some money so that I can pay the editor to edit my book. Thing is, I have to wait until fricken March for her to take my book. I don’t know if I can wait that long to have my book just sitting on a hard drive. I do hope by then I can have some people read it and tell me it is a good book or if changes need to be made. I might have to ask the people in my support group to help. I just need one or two or three people to look the book over and see if there are things that I missed or don’t make sense. But these people would be someone I have to trust and be able to work on my book without backing out of the commitment. And I know some of the member deal with pain all the time and would really be a challenge for them to read a book in a selected time frame. But I still have lots to do before I get there because I still have no table of contents or introductory passage or a solid ending. The ending that I had, I had to take out because it wasn’t kosher (long story).

I hope I am not getting sick. My throat has been hurting me for most of the day. I hope it isn’t that same virus that I got a few months ago. That was horrible. I couldn’t swallow for almost two weeks. And I really don’t want to be sick for Thanksgiving.

nothing man

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

“she loves him// she doesn’t want to leave this way// she needs him that’s why she’ll be back again”. Better Man, Pearl Jam

This is how therapy goes with me. I need it, she needs me.

****Warning might be triggering****

I was thinking about writing a story about my suicidal thoughts and I think I have it all set. Here goes:

He cuts the length of rope that needs, enough to cover the bed and his neck. He doesn’t know why they don’t sell a smaller rope size. 250 feet is really too long to do the deed for such a small space. All he needed was about 50 or so feet. If they sold it in bulk, he would have asked for that but the Home Depot didn’t. Somerville Lumber did. How he misses working in that store. He misses the people more than he did the regular customers that really kept the business alive.

He figures out the length and then carefully double knots everything so it stays in place. All attention to detail must be made. The biggest fear he has is that the bed will come with him as he hangs out the window. It is a cold day today. Maybe he should put on some heavier clothing, he wonders then laughs at the idea. He hopes God will forgive him as he take the final step out the window. Good-bye world he says, to himself. No one else can hear him. He struggles with the rope around his neck. He wants it off, it is strangling him. He feels like he is going to lose consciousness and finally he does. He just hangs there, lifeless. His task completed. His horror over.

I can’t win and I am tired of losing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Warning this post is really cynical and sarcastic

I have been staring at the blinking cursor for some time now. It has been taunting me with something to write. So here it is:

I had my useless monthly meeting with my PCP for my pain management. He wants me to lose weight and try a cortisone shot. Neither of which is going to happen. One, cortisone actually does more damage than it helps and second I think I might try starving myself as that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. I just texted my therapist that I will be an anorexic by Christmas. I am sure we will talk about it tomorrow if I feel like answering the phone. I love how my PCP conveniently always forgets that I have nerve damage in that foot. That is why I have a tendonitis that won’t go away. That is why I am in pain every fricken night or worse, wakes me from a sound sleep. I haven’t had more than a few hours sleep in almost two weeks. Granted I don’t have much to do at any given day so I can take a nap during the but then it further fucks with the sleep cycle. I can’t win and I am so tired of losing.

I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two appointments by phone and then that is all for the rest of the week. I will start my starvation after Thanksgiving because no use having my mother’s turkey go to waste. I am not going out for coffee. I am just going to stay at home and stay in bed all day or much of the day as possible.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. The ideas were vague but it had something to do with telling a story about being suicidal and how the therapist and client deal with it without resorting to the hospital. If I can get my thoughts together I know this paper will be brilliant.

I didn’t do any editing today. I purposely left the material at home. I don’t want to touch it because I am still in a foul mood, made worse by my PCP and some idiot who really thinks I can starve myself, because yea it is so easy to do. FUCKING MORON. Thanks for the support.

Talking with my therapist today didn’t go good nor bad so I don’t know what to make of it. She kept talking about the blog where I was writing about my suicide attempt when I was sixteen. I honestly don’t even remember sending it to her. It must have been a drunk text. I was drinking during one of the times last week. I would have drank last night but I don’t remember what I did with my bottle. I really want to finish off the bottle. But all in good time.

taking a break

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Taking a break today. Having a hard day and I just want to flip out. Just yell and scream at someone for no reason at all. My psychiatrist asked me today if my fame is making me feel pressured. I don’t know what fame she is talking about. Sure my blog is successful and I have quite a few hundred followers. I am grateful for them. But I don’t think that makes me famous. I don’t want to be famous, well only if there was a HUGE bank account attached to it!

I still feel like crap because I haven’t slept really well. I have no appetite. All I had today was a donut at Starbucks with my coffee. I just don’t feel like eating. I just took a pain pill so I know I will be loopy soon. I should make the bacon that has been left over before it goes bad but I just don’t feel like it. It takes too much of an effort. Just like today I was trying to edit one of my blogs. It was very poorly written, not my best work. Had a whole bunch of mistakes and grammatical errors. I got fed up with it and had to stop working on it. I just felt like scratching the whole thing out rather than work on the mistakes.

I finally got Clint Black’s D’electrified cd. I love this CD. I finally found the song I was looking for, and more. I forgot how good this album is. I am relaxing with it as I am writing this. It was really hard finding this CD because it’s not available as MP3s. But I am glad I got it as I don’t know what happened to my first copy.