Been having a hard time the last few hours. I really want to do some self-harm. I just am disgusted with myself for some reason and want to cut. I feel like I should be doing something but what I should be doing I have no idea.
I have been also feeling a lot of psychache. Every time I feel it I feel like I have to do something self-destructive. I don’t know why I get this way. It’s not like anything happened. I have been listening to Gary Allan and playing my games. I had breakfast and wanted to get back to sleep. My back is bothering me because it’s thirteen degrees out. I thought I would go out but it’s too cold. I hate getting all bundled up just to mail a letter.
My breasts have been bothering me so maybe that is the problem. They are extremely itchy because of dry skin and the cold. I hate it. I hate my chest things with a despicable passion. I just can’t stand how my body is and there is no way I can like it until the things are chopped off. I am starting to save my money so I can get the operation. I figure by the time I get that much money saved, I might be on hormone replacement therapy. I am trying but it’s not easy. I really know I should meet with the special docs that deal with this stuff and maybe my menses would really stop. It’s been a month and a half that I have been dealing with this and I am not liking it!!! I have to wear female underwear because the pads don’t fit well in my boxers. It is so depressing and demoralizing. Just another way for my stupid body to remind me that I am not who I am. I just want to cry.
I haven’t told any other family members about me wanted to be who I am. I just can’t seem to bring myself to tell my mother or my other sister. I am just afraid that I will become suicidal as the sister I told had some reservations about this. It’s making me suicidal anyway. I just am so tired of fighting who I am not. The struggle is unbearable. If I could I would just stab myself right now. That is how bad I feel but the stupid breast would probably get in the way and I would just cause tissue damage than any organ damage. My life just sucks…
midnightdemons7 
Sisters don’t necessarily understand things like that even when they are close. I’m not surprised to hear that the sister you spoke to didn’t quite get it. My daughter’s can hardly confide in her sister about anything even though there was a time they were inseparable. But a mother understands differently because when there seems to be no light, we will stop at nothing to find it or make it happen. I don’t know about your mom, but perhaps you should try to speak to her. If I were there, I would walk alongside you to make things better – this is what keeps my daughter going. She thinks about death everyday. Do hang in there – although I know that these few words may not make much of a difference. 🙂 I hold you in my heart.
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you can …
the best may seem a distant shore, but a day when you will feel satisfied exists. i believe so anyway.
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